Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1514 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Hello [So and So],

How do you teach courage to a borderline narcissistic incel? [I'm not an agent, so take this with a grain of salt, but at this point I'd be thinking, Hmm, this author wants me to convince a publisher that they'll make a profit if they publish a book that'll appeal to anyone who wants to teach courage to a borderline narcissistic incel. I've personally met a couple narcissistic incels, and I was more inclined to avoid them than to teach them courage. In fact, it wasn't courage they lacked, it was empathy, tact, kindness. Big no.] One answer is in this book, a completed 70,000 word autobiography, “Dearest Dad” (working title). It details how to discover courage from cowardice.

My mother vanished after a separation when I was 8. My father excised every ounce of my courage through starvation and beatings. I learned to never question authority lest there be more beatings, and navigated the world purely through fear. In adolescence, toxic groups like pick-up artists offered easy answers to achieve the happy life I pined for, but I was too scared to practice their ideas and only internalized them in secret. I became a spiteful, judgmental, incel-adjacent loser in the 2000s, long before the manosphere existed. [I should point out that your book will have to pass through the hands of your agent and a couple editors, most of whom are likely to be women, and any of whom may have had bad experiences with spiteful, judgmental, incel-adjacent losers. This is not going to improve your odds. They'll be thinking, This guy sounds just like Phil, who ruined my life and upon whose grave I will spit if he dies before I do.] 

Through college and grad school, my spiteful nature attracted toxic friendships. I unsuccessfully tried to trick people into dates, [For instance, I'd sit down at a table in Starbucks where a babe was reading, and say, "Sorry I'm late. Did you order that scone for me?" Still can't figure out why that was unsuccessful.] which made others less likely to date me. My excessive criticism of others’ work invited excessive criticism of mine. I cursed the world for being so unfair, all the while not realizing that my cowardice was the root cause. [Actually, the root cause was that others were thin-skinned and couldn't handle legitimate criticism of their work, while they were envious of your work, which was beyond reproach.]

During my first postdoc, I wanted to leave the lab to pursue a different academic career. My advisor exploited my conditioned fear. They knew that I was terrified of questioning authority and making mistakes. They said I would fail if I left their lab and claimed that no one else knew how to support my career. [What terrible advisers. It sounds like you were so brilliant they couldn't bear not to have you around, but they should have offered you a reward to stay instead of threatening you with ruin] For the first time, I was forced to stand [stood] up to an advisor — someone with absolute authority — and fight against the fear that was so meticulously woven into every fiber of my being. I chose to leave anyway, fully expecting to fail. 

My reckless decision put the importance of courage into shocking relief. Sometimes, decisions are criticized as harshly as they lead into the unknown. But by facing the unknown, my life improved at a bewildering rate. The more I was willing to make mistakes and learn from them, the more the world transformed to be kinder and more supportive. I expected failure, but my career blossomed as part of a deeply fulfilling life.

This story is primarily written to show incels how to heal (if they are so willing). [Why should incels spend 15+ years in therapy? They can just read my book, which shows that they can heal by courageously changing careers.] Readers of Incel by Matt Duchossoy and The "Supreme Gentleman" Killer by Brian Whitney will find this story helpful.

Best regards,

Notes

You've decided to focus on courage here, but I don't think that aspect is coming across as it pertains to incels. A person who had loving parents and wasn't ever an incel would still be likely to experience fear when deciding whether to switch careers after finishing grad school. Some would succeed and some would fail. 

I think you should switch careers again, this time to become a novelist. Your main characters will be yourself and your therapist. Be sure to include your therapist's inner dialogue as you're telling your life story. Each chapter will be another session. For instance, chapter 1 might start:

Therapist: So, tell me a little about yourself.

You: In the 2000s, long before the manosphere existed, I was a spiteful, judgmental, incel-adjacent loser. I blame it on my father.

Therapist: I see. Hmm. Twice a week, $150 per session, yes, if I string him along ten years I can get that yacht. Then Marlene will finally regret divorcing me.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1509 would like feedback on the following revision of the query:

KEEPERS’ VALLEY is a 118K-word adult low fantasy adventure set in a quaint post-apocalyptic village. The novel combines the magic-entwined war setting and lost family themes of The Book of Thorns by Hester Fox with the reimagined science, anti-colonialism threads, and stomach-turning villain of Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. [I see you've decided to talk about your comp titles before you talk about your own book. In a way, you are talking about your book. You're saying, My book has a quaint post-apocalyptic, magic-entwined war setting, lost family themes, anti-colonialism threads, reimagined science, and a stomach-turning villain. Whether the agent would rather you start with that list or with your main character and her situation is for you to guess.]

Allie Francoeur’s courage has always outpaced her judgment.  She’s been told her impulsivity is dangerous—especially when her magical healings push the boundaries between life and death—but Allie has never been one to listen. 

When her home in a plentiful [lush] valley is invaded by the neighboring empire, Allie predictably throws caution to the wind and dives into the fray. [Maybe change "home" to "village" so no one thinks it's just her house being invaded.] Her plan: 1. Allow herself to fall into enemy hands. 2. Organize her fellow captives in a daring escape. 3.  …she's going to figure that part out when she gets there.

Allie’s “plan” goes awry in an ill-advised display of magic that catches the eye of an ambitious general.  He sees enough to believe he can grow [expand?] her skills from mending bodies to influencing minds. Determined to use her as a tool in his domination of her people, the general will go to [employ] any means necessary to force Allie’s hand.

Her one sliver of hope lies in the general’s second-in-command, Thomas Landen.  Allie saved Thomas’s life when they were children, and he appears inclined to return the favor. Unfortunately, trust takes time to develop, and with the general tightening his control over both Allie and her homeland, time is not a luxury she can afford.  The right move will give her a new ally and her people a chance at freedom.  [But should she trust him?] If she reveals too much or if  Thomas’s offer of assistance is another [one] of the general’s ploys, Allie will be playing directly into enemy hands.  Rushing ahead this time could give her captors exactly what they need to claim the valley for their own.     

Bio and close

A Couple Notes:

Reminder that the "Keepers" are guardians of a surviving post-apocalyptic library that houses human accomplishment from before the fall. Hence the title, Keepers' Valley.  Just as not everyone in a hospital is a doctor, not everyone in the valley is a historian. [That's like saying, Just as not every Wonka bar has a Golden Ticket, not every Almond Joy bar has almonds. Which doesn't necessarily follow. But I digress. I assume your point is that there are people besides historians here, and they are capable of giving the invading empire a good fight.]  Also, they do have all of the knowledge of humanity to assist them.  Greek fire can be handy...  [That's true, especially if your quaint village has been stockpiling the ingredients, and the legions of the Roman Empire aren't already overwhelming your lands. What you need, is magic! Have you got enough? Do some people have powers other than healing?]

The library is not detailed in the query letter because it is not the heart of the story, just the reason the uncaptured people of the valley have to be careful about how they manage this invasion. It is motivation for the general, but that seems outside the scope of the query as well, as we are not delving into any of his motives.  Staying with his cover story about invading for resources shortens my query [The general's immediate goal was stated as domination of Allie's people. If his ultimate goal is to capture the library why is he invading this quaint village? Is the library here? Is this a tiny valley between two mountains, being attacked by forty soldiers, or a vast valley the size of California's Central Valley, with towns and cities where other people are independently working to drive out armies of invaders? No need to answer that in the query, I'm just wondering if Allie has the ability to protect her village and the library and the valley.] and (hopefully) minimizes confusion. Happy to consider trying to add it in if you think it is absolutely necessary or helpful. 

Sadly, Thomas is not an undercover agent (it was a good guess, though!). It would be much better for Allie if he was. 

I think this is much better. It's clearer, simpler. It does kind of give the impression that Allie is the valley's only hope. 

You can ignore my annoying questions about the plot. 

You could combine the first two plot paragraphs into one:

Allie Francoeur’s courage has always outpaced her judgment, especially when her magical healings push the boundaries between life and death. So when her village is invaded by the neighboring empire, Allie predictably throws caution to the wind and dives into the fray. Her plan: 1. Allow herself to fall into enemy hands. 2. Organize her fellow captives in a daring escape. 3.  …she'll figure that out when the time comes. 

Face-Lift 1517

Guess the Plot

The Spontaneous Separation of Cake Batter, the Carotid Artery, and the Way Things Were

1. An old man has a reputation for complaining about how things were better in the past. His pacemaker explodes spontaneously during his birthday, leading to unexpected but inevitable hijinks at the nursing home.

2. 19-year-old Noa teaches a baking class based on the Great British Baking Show. Which is how she meets Sam, who becomes first ever boyfriend. But what if he finds out she bakes magical wishes into her pastries? Includes recipes.

3. After a supremely obese chef's cake batter splits, he gets a revelation about his life. And the depression that comes with it.

4. The Halloween episode of Bake It Live! goes weird when the undead chefs (a vampire, a zombie, and a ghoul) get into an argument about something that happened at a garden party they all attended 352 years ago. Also, croquet and croquettes.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

 

As you are interested in [PERSONALIZATION], I’m hopeful you will consider my YA contemporary novel, THE SPONTANEOUS SEPARATION OF CAKE BATTER, THE CAROTID ARTERY, AND THE WAY THINGS WERE. [That title may work when they make a movie of your book, and there's a big screen to put it on, but, as this illustration shows . . . 

 

. . . there's no room for the name of the author. And I don't even want to think about fitting that title on the spine. A better title would be:

Not only is there room for your name, but there's a picture of an irresistible cake. It could even be a cake you made! This is a cookbook, right?]

Nineteen-year-old Noa Strauss is doing fine. Sure, she had to turn down her acceptance to Oxford after her dad had a devastating stroke, but she’s getting her Associate’s from community college and it’s fine. And yes, taking care of her disabled dad is stressful and heartbreaking, but that’s why she’s teaching a fun Great British Baking Show-inspired baking class to seniors at the local rec center and it’s fine. [I've watched enough of the GBBS to know that it, too, is stressful. Though rarely heartbreaking.] Her mother got a job in another state leaving Noa all alone to go a little crazy because she’s starting to think she can bake wishes into her pastries and affect the people who eat them, and that’s fine too. [You keep saying that. I'm not sure you know what it means.]

 

But when ten-year-old Jesse starts hanging around Noa’s baking classes, they strike up an unusual friendship that will change her life. Through Jesse, she meets his serious and soft-spoken older brother, Sam, who Noa feels an immediate connection with. [Not a stickler for who/whom or ending with preposition, but changing "who" to "with whom" sounds better to me.] As someone who thinks sexual attraction is a conspiracy theory and has never met someone like her, this connection is both frightening and exhilarating. [Who are we talking about? Apparently Noa, but then that should be "someone like Sam."] However, when Noa’s aunt decides to contest guardianship for her dad, Noa’s it’s-all-fine mask cracks. She is forced to deal with the grief she feels for her still [-] alive father, the terrifying nature of falling in love for the first time, and the mystery of figuring out if she’s a little bit magic. [Has she tried feeding her father a piece of cake in which she baked the wish that he'd fully recover?] When Noa finally hits her breaking point, will she be able to face what has happened to her it’s-all-fine life?

 

Interwoven with recipes, THE SPONTANEOUS SEPARATION OF CAKE BATTER, THE CAROTID ARTERY, AND THE WAY THINGS WERE combines the family-driven coming-of-age exploration of Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl, a touch of magic (and food) from Laura Esquivel’s Like Water for Chocolate, and a love of baking from The Great British Baking Show. This is a stand-alone novel, complete at 90,000 words.

 

[BIO]. While this novel is not autobiographical, Noa’s father is inspired by my father and her struggles with grief and identity come from my own experiences.

 

Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Notes

A few things I'm not sure about, and it wouldn't take more than changing or adding a word or two to clear them up:

Is the aunt an evil person? Because if I were 19 and someone else wanted to take over care of my disabled father, I'd be all for it. This is dad's sister, right? If she can be trusted, I'd be off to Oxford.

Has mom abandoned the family, or is she working this out-of-state job to pay the medical bills, and comes home weekends? I assume the former, as auntie wouldn't be trying to get guardianship otherwise.

Do we need Jesse in the query? He seems to be there only to explain how Sam and Noa meet. You could remove "for seniors" from the baking class description, and say they met through the class. You could even remove "for seniors" in the book, as plenty of young guys compete on the Great British Baking Show. Sam would surely take the class, especially if he knew the instructor was a hot babe like Noa.

You won't spoil the book for the agent if you reveal that Noa does have a bit of magic. That may prove to be a selling point. 

Are the recipes your own? And are magical wishes among the ingredients?

Face-Lift 1516

Guess the Plot

Gospel of the West

1. Sequel to Journey of the West, another group has yet another set of scriptures to deliver to Buddha. Though this time, the group gets lost. A lot.

2. The mayor of a western American town has an ingenious plan for getting rid of migrants: He'll hire a foreign superpower to come in and build a dam that will drown them.

3. A singing competition showdown between the top gospel churches east and west of the Mississippi goes awry when Jesus Himself descends from the heavens and proclaims everyone to be losers. A particularly belligerent group of singers from the west discover Jesus's resonant frequency, and sing until He bursts.

4. Jesus is everywhere, yet in the traditional Gospels, he appears only in lands east of the Mediterranean. In this new Gospel, he appears in the West, specifically the Wild West, where he teams with Wyatt Earp.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

[Reason for Agent]

A racially fractured town falls into chaos when its mayor, Arthur—frustrated by his inability to quell the rampant crime at his gates—signs a pact with a foreign superpower to build a dam that would drown the city's entire migrant district, potentially killing hundreds. [Because dams are expensive and take years to build, they are usually constructed to provide electrical power, control flooding, and store water for irrigation or consumption. Rarely would it be cost effective to build one for the sole purpose of drowning migrants. It's so much cheaper to just deport your migrants to a mega-prison in El Salvador. Also, I googled "Can the mayor of an American town make a pact with a foreign superpower?" and the answer, provided by AI, was: "No, the mayor of an American town cannot unilaterally make a pact with a foreign superpower. The authority to enter into agreements with foreign nations rests with the federal government, specifically the president, with the advice and consent of the Senate." Note that I didn't even include the part about drowning migrants. I suppose you could argue that if the superpower were Russia, Trump would okay the pact, and his sycophantic Senate stooges would go along, but then they'd have to clear it with DOGE, and Elon Musk would declare that while drowning migrants behind a 30-billion dollar dam would be fun, deporting them would be more efficient.]

Teen justicar Jean organizes a protest, ignoring warnings from Tocalone—his fearful friend who dabbles in forbidden blood magic to resurrect her mother. Unbeknownst to them, gangster Mikhail hijacks the demonstration for his own gain, injuring dozens and demonizing the protesters in the eyes of the people.

Refusing to abandon his people, Jean vows to burn down the construction site. [The construction site of a proposed dam is probably a river and an area that needs to be cleared of vegetation. The river wouldn't burn, and the dam builders would appreciate having the vegetation burned so they could start pouring the non-flammable concrete. Even a dam made of wood wouldn't burn; ask any beaver.] Terrified she might lose him like she lost her mother, Tocalone gambles everything on a ritual that just might shield him from harm...or consume them both.

Gospel of the West is a YA dystopia infused with subtle magical realism, complete at 85,000 words. It blends the moral grittiness of Sabaa Tahir's An Ember in the Ashes with the rebellious spirit of Marie Lu's Legend. At its core, it asks how far one should go to protect the ones they love.

 

[Bio] 

Thank you for your time and consideration

Notes

Your plot summary is only five sentences, which is probably why it feels disjointed, more like an outline. Give us nine or ten sentences with cohesive connections between them.

Even if the mayor wanted to hire American companies to build a dam, it would have to be cleared with authorities to protect communities downstream from losing their water supply or having their water tainted by corpses of migrants that get snagged on branches as they float past.

Face-Lift 1515

Guess the Plot

Lujain

1. A simple shopping trip becomes a fight for survival when terrorists take over the local big box store. And then the elves arrive.

2, Archaeologist Rebecca has searched for the lost city of Lujain for years. So did previous generations in her family. Her exploits in India involve con artists, a Pakistani spy, and a determined white cow.

3. A woman discovers alchemy and accidentally transmutes her blood to gold. She dies very quickly and her heirs fight over who inherits the corpse, which is more valuable than the rest of her estate.

4. Lujain, her parents, and 15 other immigrants are labeled by the current administration as Palestinian terrorist sympathizers and are deported on a boat to El Salvador, but before they arrive, armed men board the boat and kill everyone except Lujain, leaving her adrift in the Pacific with no food or water. She survives for months thanks to a helpful dolphin.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

"LUJAIN is a 92,000-word literary novel that combines the isolated survival narrative of Yann Martel's 'Life of Pi' with the political urgency of Héctor Tobar's 'The Last Great Road Bum' and the lyrical exploration of identity found in Yaa Gyasi's 'Transcendent Kingdom'"

When fifteen-year-old Lujain Al-Masri witnesses her father, a respected Palestinian-American dentist, arrested for allegedly killing a police officer at a protest, her orderly Philadelphia life implodes.

Despite his pleas of innocence, a viral video appears damning. The administration, eager to make an example, strips him of his citizenship and targets his family under a controversial executive order against “homegrown criminals.” [Nothing like this could ever happen in real life.] 

With the stroke of a pen, Lujain and her mother are labeled as “terrorist sympathizers and a threat to national security.” They are summarily deported to El Salvador—a country they’ve never set foot in and have no connections to. [Either you wrote this 92,000-word novel in the past month, or you're remarkably prescient.] Their unexpected journey takes a deadly turn when armed men board their vessel, leaving Lujain the sole survivor, adrift on the vast Pacific Ocean with no food, water, or means of communication. Just when all hope seems lost, Lujain forms an unexpected bond with a curious bottlenose dolphin she names Najma. 

Their connection becomes her lifeline through months lost at sea. With dwindling resources [Dwindling? She had no food and water to begin with.] and mounting injuries, Lujain clings to one purpose: surviving to expose the truth—that the murder of her mother and 14 others was not a simple robbery gone wrong. It was an assassination. That her family was targeted not for a crime, but for their voice. 

Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

If you get deported from Philadelphia to El Salvador, you're traveling by plane. Including a layover, it wouldn't take more than half a day. To make the trip by boat would take more than a week, and would be costly and dangerous. Thus we must assume they went by boat to make them vulnerable to the killers, who were also sent by the government. It seems unlikely the government would okay the killing of the crew of the boat they used to transport the deportees, but who knows?

If the government sent the killers, it's unlikely they would wait till the boat was in the Pacific to attack it. The Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico America have vast convenient areas. Once they're in the Pacific after going through the Panama Canal, the route to El Salvador is right up the the coast of Central America, not through the middle of the Pacific. 

Also, your vessel wouldn't be a rowboat, it would have an engine, and built-in means of communication that the attackers wouldn't bother destroying, as they think everyone on board is dead. I'm surprised the killers didn't set the boat on fire and sink it to get rid of evidence.

A boat that carries that many passengers in the ocean should have a lifeboat. Lujain should get in the lifeboat and tell Najda to tow her to land, preferably in Costa Rica or anywhere other than El Salvador.

Most of this may be satisfactorily dealt with in your book, but if the agent you write to wonders whether you could possibly manage to make it all work, she may assume you don't. Maybe they should go by plane, and it crashes in the jungle and Lujain is the sole survivor, and she's befriended by a toucan.

Face-Lift 1514

Guess the Plot

Dearest Dad

1. I used to hate women and treat them like dirt, but after 15 years of therapy I've finally realized it was my dad's fault. Hey, wanna go on a date?

2. Mikey intended to write a thank-you letter to his father for fathers day. After it passes 60,000 words, he decides to publish it as a novel instead.

3. When twin men adopt a child, it can be confusing to the kid, especially when one dad acts like Mr. Rogers, and the other acts like a demon from hell, but the demonic one is good at faking that he's the other one.

4. Jen's father was the best man she ever knew, and she's writing a book to honor his memory. But should she leave out the times when he came home at lunch to have sex with her nanny while mom was at work? Or the murder she witnessed that he tried to tell her was a bad dream?

Original Version

Hello [So and So],

How do you rehabilitate a narcissistic incel? [That reminds me of a riddle: How many narcissistic incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to manipulate a woman into doing it, and two to tell her she's doing it all wrong.] One answer is in this book, a completed 70,000 word autobiography, [memoir?] “Dearest Dad” (working title). It demystifies the manipulative habits, depression, and misogyny that plagued my abused mind, and details the journey to overcome them.

My mother disappeared when I was 8 and my father imposed a mortal fear on my impressionable mind through starvation and beatings. [I see why your mother left, but not why she didn't take you with her. Unless . . . are you sure she isn't buried in the woods behind the house?] He puppeteered my emotions at will and damaged my will to live. In adolescence, these hardships pushed me towards toxic groups like pyramid schemes and [assholes like] pick-up artists because they simply offered easy answers [avenues] to achieve a happy life that didn’t exist under my father's care. These groups [This], combined with my father’s treatment, taught me how to be manipulative: I used cheap psychological tricks to make friends and get dates, and I lulled men and women into opening up emotionally — making them think I was a close friend — then abandoned them. [If I'm interpreting this correctly, whenever you met someone you did not want to be friends with, you consciously decided that instead of dumping them immediately, you would, just for kicks, lull them into opening up emotionally. And then dump them. At this point, some agents will be thinking, Who would want to read this guy's autobiography? And the anwer is, only someone who hopes in the end you get your comeuppance. 

Only after starting therapy in college did I start to realize just how warped my perception of reality had been. I had discarded every compliment and kind act out of suspicion that they were manipulative tactics, and believed that I was dumber than dirt despite a blossoming academic career. Well into adulthood, at 36, and after 15 years of therapy, I finally found the courage to stand up to my father's manipulation and disown him. [Your therapist's thoughts after ten minutes in your presence: Hmm. Do I tell him to disown his father, thereby solving all his problems in one session, or do I string him along for the next fifteen years, by which time he'll have paid for my summer house in the Hamptons? Easy decision.] In turn, his missing influence freed me from a life-long conditioned silence, enabling me to document my experiences as both the abuser and the abused. Writing about them, combined with continued therapy, enabled me to fully excise all toxic traits from my personality. This concrete transition from narcissism to humility is the most important part of this book, because it shows incels how to heal, if they are so willing. [If you want to convince the person reading this query letter that you have completely transformed from narcissism to humility, it may be best not to boast that you've fully excised all toxic traits from your personality.]

Incels have extremist views and have caused at least 12 known mass killings since 2014. Self-reported surveys show that over 93% of incels have depression or anxiety. This book is my attempt to show the public how incels become indoctrinated, from a deeply personal perspective. [Is that what you're attempting to do? Because you just said your purpose was to show incels "how to heal if they are so willing." Is your audience incels or the public? ]

Readers of Scarred: The True Story of How I Escaped NXIVM, My Life After Hate, and The Gift of Our Wounds will most immediately find kinship with this story, while readers of Understanding and Treating Incels, Men Who Hate Women: From Incels to Pickup Artists, and The Incel Rebellion may appreciate the less clinical and more personal perspective. [You have so many comp titles, the agent is probably wondering if the incel book field has already become oversaturated. Two books that focus on the personal perspective is plenty.]  

Best regards,

Notes

Out of curiosity, did your shrink suggest it would be therapeutic to put your story in writing, and did you block out the second part of their suggestion: and then burn it? I ask because thanks to Google, people you want to date or befriend will be able to find out what you were like before you excised your toxic personality traits, and may unfairly abandon you.

Have you considered converting this into a novel? One where the incel is trying to mend his ways, but dozens of women he wronged band together to take revenge on him? The book might not sell, but the screenplay would go for six figures.

Face-Lift 1513

Guess the Plot

The Journal of Emily Davis

1. Emily Davis’s journal has the spirit of her great grandmother trapped inside of it. Her great grandmother becomes her mentor & teaches her important life lessons.

2. When our universe and another universe are simultaneously attacked by monsters and zombies and mages and demons, it's up to one teenaged girl to defeat them and save us all while also cleaning up the environment of several worlds, struggling with personal and mental problems, trying to get through high school, and writing it all down in her voluminous journal. Her friends help.

3. Emily Davis keeps a journal that is not completely factual, which isn't a problem until her (now former) best friend posts "selections" on the internet. She becomes a pariah at school, a subject of mockery on the web, and garners a 6 figure book deal.

4. Emily Davis's journal wakes up after a devastating earthquake. Buried beneath tons of rubble and only able to communicate by generating written words on its pages, it must find a way to the surface and seek its plain-named creator Emily Davis for answers that it may never find.

Original Version

Dear

The 90,000-word novel, The Journal of Emily Davis, is about a teenage protagonist named Emily Davis and her friends who live in a fantasy universe separate from the human world. Emily tries her best to balance her life as a warrior tasked with protecting the fantasy universe and its citizens as well as her life as a normal teenager trying to adjust to differences in the human universe. [You seem to be saying she lives in two universes. Which universe was she born in? If the human one, who tasked her with protecting the fantasy world, and why her? Did they give her super powers or weapons?] When danger suddenly threatens the citizens of the fantasy universe, Emily and her friends will answer the call to help those in danger whether it is against demons, dark mages, or zombies. [What if danger suddenly threatens the fantasy universe while Emily and her friends are in school, taking an important test? Do they ask the teacher for permission to go fight zombies? Does it  go:

Teacher: Yes, Emily?

Emily: May I skip the test to go fight demons in a fantasy universe?

Teacher: Not again. Christ. All right, go.

Emily's friends: We wanna go fight demons too.

Other students: Hey! What about us? Can we go fight demons too? Can we? Can we?]

 

When legendary dark mages, long-thought to be gone, attack Emily’s school, Starhaven, Emily is tasked with not only protecting her school from the menace, but also many other worlds throughout the fantasy universe as monsters once thought to be dormant or defeated return. [Who is tasking her with all this? How can Emily protect multiple worlds? Even Superman and the Avengers have to work 24-7 just to protect a couple American cities.] Along the way, she will also strive to help the inhabitants of the worlds who are struggling with many different problems including environmental damage and trauma from war. 

 

Opposing Emily and her friends are multiple enemy factions ranging from the cursed order of mages, and a demonic army who wants nothing more than the complete destruction of the fantasy universe. [You continue piling on obstacles to Emily's success without ever revealing what she has going for her. We have no reason to believe Emily could defeat one zombie, much less accomplish what you task her with.] If Emily and her friends are defeated, the many worlds of the fantasy universe will either be annihilated, or subject to the oppressive and destructive rule of the dark mages. [The fantasy universe is doomed. We're all doomed. And Emily will never complete 10th grade.] Emily and her friends will also struggle with personal and mental problems [Of course they will. Otherwise their task would be too easy.] due to the distrust they face in the fantasy universe, a universe that has long faced wars and other catastrophes. [In other words, it's no different from our universe.]

 

I have written as a hobby for years now, and my interest in writing has long stemmed from my enjoyment reading both fantasy and sci-fi. Inspirations of my novel include Silver in the Bone by Alexandra Bracken and The Dragon’s Promise by Elizabeth Lim

 

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Notes

Do the parents and teachers know about the fantasy universe? Are they all okay with these kids protecting it?

Why is it called The Journal of Emily Davis? She's so busy saving everyone in the universes, I find it hard to believe she also has time to keep a journal. She might have time for a brief journal entry, something like:

April 26. Today I cleaned up the environment of all the planets in our galaxy, quashed 3 zombie invasions in the fantasy universe, and made it back in time for fifth period phys ed.

One thing you might try: Instead of having Emily protect and save numerous worlds in two universes from multiple enemy factions, have her protect her BFF from a high school bully.

Face-Lift 1512

Guess the Plot

Bogshephards of Elmbloom County

1. Rowena is sick of being a bogshepherd. She dreams of opening a bed and breakfast, preferably one no one comes to so she can live in solitude. Then she meets Kal, and love is in the air. But is Kal a friend, or has he infiltrated her life solely to destroy her dream?

2. A story of sheep, told by sheep.

3. The annual competition between the bogshephards of  Elmbloom County and the moorshepherds of Westmeath County is in danger of being cancelled. Only one 14-year-old girl can save it, and she's gone missing.

4. Peat bogs were sentient long before mankind took its first bipedal steps, but no one noticed until a 100-year old retired bog farmer realized the bogs had been slowly spelling out words in his dreams. The farmer becomes the first bogshephard and fights a losing battle trying to convince the world of his discovery.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Rowena, pointed-eared Sylph and dedicated bogshepherd, [I was thinking that should be pointy-eared, so I looked up the difference, and apparently "pointy" is more informal than "pointed." More playful. So when applied to the ears of a sylph or an elf, I'd go with "pointy." When applied to the ears of a Vulcan, "pointed."] [When applied to the ears of a bogshepherd, it's not clear.] [When you spell "bogshepherd" two different ways between the title and the first sentence, someone's gonna think one of them is a typo.] wants nothing more than a few seconds [day] of peace, alone. But operating her late grandmother’s rural farm keeps her on the tips of her wind-affinited toes every day of the week. So when her business partner (and only friend) proposes a new venture that could allow them to make enough coin [That settles it, "pointy."] to afford them time to relax, Rowena accepts. The idea? Turning the working farm into a charming, countryside inn. But they’ll need a helping hand, and not just from each other. Between finally meeting the townsfolk she’s so purposefully tried to avoid since her grandmother died and training the mysterious newly-hired help, Rowena might be deeper in the muck than she thought. 

Kal, a half-blooded pyro-fae, desires nothing more than a life free from his pureblood, faerie family’s business: a rural bed and breakfast. [The things your main characters want "nothing more than" seem remarkably attainable.] So when he’s recruited by two strangers to help open a rival inn he takes his chances in hopes of a new start. [He wants nothing more than a life free from his family's bed and breakfast business, so he starts a new life . . . at the bed and breakfast across the street?] But so does his family, who ruthlessly desire to come out on top in Elmbloom County’s hospitality market. They make him a deal: infiltrate and disrupt the enemy, and they’ll work their magic to get him the far-away city job of his dreams. But his plans rapidly halt when he meets Rowena, [If Rowena was one of the two strangers who recruited him, they'd already met.] a prickly, jaded Sylph that, despite what she argues, might be the first person that has ever truly accepted him as his true self. [She's arguing that she doesn't accept him? Or that she's not the first person to accept him? Or neither? Is "argues" the right word?]

As the two of them bond over hosting fantastical overnight guests, stubborn swamp animals, and endearingly peculiar townspeople, Rowena begins to question her beloved [desire for a] future alone [--until she learns of] Kal’s initial intentions[.]  right before [With] the inn’s Equinox Festival [approaching, she] retreats into the [withdraws into an earlier] version of herself when her grandmother died: broken and alone. But with the success of the festival on the line, Rowena has to make a decision [must decide]- does she leave her new passions behind, returning to a familiar life of stoic isolationism [solitude], or does she finally risk being vulnerable enough to enjoy a future of friendship, belonging, and love?

BOGSHEPHARDS OF ELMBLOOM COUNTY is a 65,000-word cozy fantasy novel. It combines the fantastical, small-town slow-burn of The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst with the enchanting, dreamlike world of Water Moon by Samantha Sotto Yambao.

[Reasons for choosing this agent here.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Is Kal the the "mysterious newly-hired help"? If not, no need to mention the the mysterious newly-hired help, as you don't bring them up again. If he is the the mysterious newly-hired help, he can't be that mysterious, as they recruited him, and he shouldn't need a lot of training, having worked in the business already. You also don't mention Rowena's business partner again after they suggest turning the farm into an inn. As the query is a bit  long, we could cut the first paragraph down to:

Rowena, pointed-eared Sylph and dedicated bogshepherd, never gets a day off from operating her late grandmother’s rural farm. Her solution: convert the working farm into a charming, countryside inn. But she’ll need a helping hand, as she has no experience running an inn.

This takes us into Kal's paragraph:

Enter Kal, a half-blooded pyro-fae, who desires nothing more than to escape his pureblood, faerie family’s business: a rural bed and breakfast.

This is where you deviate from the tried and true plot in which Kal has always wanted to run a farm, and they live happily ever after. Your Kal wants out of Elmbloom County and into the city where he'll be eaten alive. Oh well. You need a villain, and who better than the ruthless elderly couple running a quaint family-owned bed and breakfast?

I'd like a better idea of what the fae magic can do. Apparently it can get Kal the job of his dreams in the big city, but they need Kal to infiltrate the enemy because their magic isn't able to disrupt the new rival business. It seems like this story would be the same if the characters were all human. 

There was a time when one's attempt to beat the competition involved improving your service or lowering your prices. Sending in a spy to figuratively or literally burn the other business down was a last resort. No longer. I blame it on Trump.

Face-Lift 1511

Guess the Plot

Fatum

1. The Bachelor meets The Hunger Games on this reality show where dozens of women vie for one man's ring, with the winner becoming a star, while the losers . . . you don't wanna know. This is the story of one woman who bets it all on being the sole survivor. 

2. A middling student comes across this word and googles it, only to slowly realize through oddly powerful pangs of deja vu that she is Marcus Aurelius incarnate. She discovers that Pompey has been reincarnated as Trump and she now must find a way to dethrone him before civil war begins (and without getting sent to a psych ward).

3. Regular fatso, Tatum, acquiesces to joining weight watchers per his wife's request. But when he finds out his wife has begun an affair with her trainer, Tatum takes on the title of 'Fatum' & owns his identity as an obese man.

4. When Elsie goes to fat camp, it's to please her family, not to lose weight. When she sees the personified spirit of impending doom, it only encourages stress eating. When she returns home 200 lbs heavier, her family sues the camp.

5. When an oracle informs Fatum of his pre-ordained fate, an early death, he refuses to accept it. He kills the oracle. Now he's on the run from a lot of people intent on locking him in a small room with no window on death row. 

                              

Original Version

Dear [AGENT NAME],

Thank you for considering my query. Because of your interest in [PERSONALIZATION], I suspect you might enjoy meeting antiheroine Belén Kabar and following her journey through the glittering dystopia of Fatum, where The Bachelor meets The Hunger Games. [Italicize titles.]

Twenty-seven women enter Fatum in pursuit of one man’s final ring. Some want love. Some want fame. Belén Kabar wants out: out of her rotting country, out of obscurity, and into the heart of Tyche, the world’s entertainment capital. She’s betting it all on one goal: become the show’s next lead.

She knows how the game works: cry at the right time, kiss like you’re in love, and make the audience root for your happy ending. Because Fatum, Tyche’s number one reality show, isn’t just a TV phenomenon. It’s a cultural machine. A ratings juggernaut. A tool of soft power so influential, it shapes fashion, politics, and the very definition of desirability. Contestants are stripped of privacy, rewritten in editing rooms, and hunted for tears by moiras (producers) whose job is to break them open. The ones who play along can be made into stars. The ones who don’t vanish into obscurity. [Wait, the losers don't die? What about The Hunger Games? This is more like The Bachelor meets Top Chef.]

Belén arrives with more than just ambition; she has a secret connection to the show’s production, relentless discipline, and a mind built for strategy. But the deeper she gets, the harder it becomes to tell where the story ends and where she begins. Her scripted romance with the golden-boy, the show’s Destined, becomes both saccharine and sour. An old flame behind the scenes resurfaces. A magnetic rival starts to look less like an enemy and more like something far more dangerous. [Finally. An enemy. I hope she's formed some trustworthy alliances.] And all the while, the people at the top (the faceless, all-knowing “Powerfuls”) are watching. Pushing. Rewriting the rules.

Fatum (95,000 words) is a novel of dystopian women’s fiction that will appeal to readers who enjoyed How to Be Eaten by Maria Adelmann and Annie Bot by Sierra Greer. [See, now if you'd italicized the titles, I wouldn't have thought you were comping one title by Sierra Greer: How to Be Eaten by Maria Adelman and Annie Bot.] Fans of reality TV might also appreciate this novel, but only if they’re willing to look behind the Wizard’s curtain.

I was born, raised, and am currently based in [SOUTH AMERICAN CITY], where I work as an [BORING JOB]. Fatum is my debut novel.

You will find the first [XX] pages of my manuscript in the body of this email, below.  [Don’t give your page count in Roman numerals.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,

Notes

I have no complaints about this. The TV show would probably be a hit. I've noticed a couple agents putting books based on reality TV shows on their wish lists and they'd probably want to check this out. It's longer than ideal, so if you think that's a problem, here's a slightly shortened version of the plot summary, which might include a minor change or two that you like.:

Because of your interest in [PERSONALIZATION], you may enjoy following antiheroine Belén Kabar into the glittering realm of Fatum, the number one reality show in a dystopian world. Fatum isn’t just a ratings juggernaut. It’s a cultural machine that shapes fashion, politics, and the very definition of desirability. Contestants are stripped of privacy, rewritten in editing rooms, and hunted for tears by producers whose job is to break them open. The ones who play along can become stars. 

Twenty-seven women enter Fatum in pursuit of one man’s final ring. Some want love, some want fame. Belén Kabar wants out: out of her rotting country, and out of obscurity. She’s betting everything on becoming the show’s next lead, and she arrives with more than ambition; she has relentless discipline, a mind built for strategy--and a secret connection to the show’s production. She knows how the game works: cry at the right time, kiss like you’re in love, and make the audience root for your happy ending.

But the deeper she gets, the harder it becomes to tell where the story ends and where she begins. Her scripted romance with the golden-boy, the show’s Destined, becomes both saccharine and sour. An old flame resurfaces. A magnetic contender starts to look less like a rival and more like a dangerous enemy. And all the while, the people at the top (the faceless, all-knowing “Powerfuls”) are watching. Pushing. Rewriting the rules.

The plot summary feels like an exposé of a show like The Bachelor. If the losers are subjected to worse than obscurity, like death, or if a contestant gets murdered, that's worth working in.