Face-Lift 1536

Guess the Plot

1. In order to inherit, you must never tell a lie. Or was that a lie in the first place?

2. So Marty was involved in a slightly less than truthful archaeological dig some twenty years ago. He was young, practically a kid. That's no reason to keep him tied up in a closet while Arture Thellis hires an excavation team, a film crew, and applies for grant money. The real problem, of course, will be the Mafia he scammed.

3. Tallia just found out that everything she believed about her family is a lie, and they were actually worse than Hitler. Now she must decide whether or not to continue reaping the rewards of her ancestors' horrendous behavior. I mean she didn't do any of that stuff.

The Lie-Bound Legacy

I would like you to consider representing my novel THE LIE-BOUND LEGACY, a dual-pov epic fantasy, complete at 117,000 words. I am submitting to you because….

For eight years, Jaycob has wanted only to find his missing father. But standing in his way is the Rive, the impenetrable wall that divides the continent. When he rescues Tallia, a stranded Elvei ambassador, she offers him a deal: safe passage across the Rive, if he escorts her home to Galinir. [How is she stranded, if she can get across the Rive? How did dad get across the Rive? I'm starting to wonder if "impenetrable" is the best word to describe the Rive.

Okay, I'm just messing with you, obviously it's a magical wall that can be penetrated only by Elvei people and their guests. And it first appeared at a time when dad was on the other side of the continent.]

On the other side, Jaycob finds an empire fractured by war. [When she got him to agree to escort her home, did she mention that it would be through a war zone?] With her family's lives in jeopardy, Tallia is determined to end it - until buried secrets rise to the surface, unravelling everything she believes about her ancestry and her place in the world. [All of this happens as Jaycob is escorting her home? A specific example of a buried secret that rose to the surface and apparently changed her mind about wanting to end the war would be nice.] Caught between the truth and loyalty, she must decide if survival is worth preserving a legacy built on blood. [A lot of legacies are built on blood, aka ancestry. Maybe change "blood" to "bloodshed" if thats the buried secret. Or change it to "lies," which explains the title.] [Are you saying if she survives (the war?) the legacy is preserved, but if she dies, it isn't? It sounds like Tallia's family or ancestors are totally responsible for the war.] 

Drawn deeper into Galinir’s conflict, Jaycob is sure that every risk is worth it, as long as it brings him closer to his father. [Has anything brought him closer, so far? Does he even know his father is on this side of the Rive? And didn't just abandon the family or fall into a crevasse?] But when he finds himself torn between Tallia and the quest that has defined him, he must confront what he is really searching for - and who he might become if he stops chasing someone else’s shadow. 

The Lie-Bound Legacy stands alone but leaves room for continuation. I would position this book next to Andrea Stewart’s The Bone Shard Daughter, Tasha Suri’s Burning Kingdoms trilogy, and Victoria Aveyard’s Realm Breaker.

I live in London, where I work in translation rights for genre fiction. I’ve been reading and writing fantasy since my teenage years, and am especially drawn to emotionally rich, character-driven stories. When I’m not writing, I’m usually getting my fantasy fix from playing Dungeons and Dragons, searching for the next compelling arc. [And orc.]

Notes

This is well-written, and most of my comments are there just to entertain the evil minions. Though I think it could use more specificity. What did Tallia believe about her place in the world? Does Jaycob know what he is really searching for? Instead of confronting it, he could realize that he's really searching for . . . whatever. If he's been chasing his father's shadow, why say "someone else's"? Is this war actually a revolution or are kingdoms/nations fighting? Not that you can address everything in your query, but any generality replaced with a specific is an improvement.

"Bound" has a lot of meanings. Maybe "Lie-based" would be clearer. Or maybe bound sounds better to you. Either way, the publisher will probably change the title to Jake and the Giant Wall.

Is there anything magical/mystical/fantastical besides an impenetrable wall and one character's ability to penetrate it?

Can birds fly over the Rive? Just asking. Is there any communication between the two sides? Can the people on each side build giant towers that allow them to see over the Rive and yell things to each other, like, Hey, anybody over there seen my father?

If you work in translation rights for a publisher, the least they can do is publish your book, after all you've done for them. Tell them Evil Editor said so.

Face-Lift 1535

Guess the Plot

Horizon’s Door

1. Harold Ivaans draws himself an awesome new reality with a purple crayon, then discovers a monochrome fantasy land gets boring quick. With the end stub, he creates a door on the horizon that should get him out. But he should've used a different color for the door, because now he can't find it.

2. A space opera in twelve acts, each starring a protagonist with a unique take on extra-galactic exploration. Also, dolphin-squid hybrids.

3. With an army of savage zombies attacking the kingdom, it's up to lowly squire Wrayn to save us all, but when he peeks through the door to another dimension, hoping for help, all he sees is an ancient evil that wants to inhabit his body. Also: jousting!

4. When a portal opens on the distant horizon, the islanders board their canoes and paddle toward what they think is a passageway to the spirit world. But the faster they paddle toward the horizon, the faster the horizon flees. There's a lesson in there somewhere.

Original Version

Dear [AGENT]:

 

Wrayn is a squire from a backwater corner of the realm who just wanted to joust in the lists one day. But that was before savages from the other side of the world began unleashing fires that grew closer and closer to home. In the last three weeks, Wrayn has learned three key survival tips:

 

1 - Dead bodies smell bad. Real bad. They smell even worse when you figure out that they are barbarian pawns being manipulated in a conspiracy by the richest noble in the land to seize the throne for himself. [Not clear how this is a survival tip. To me, the survival tip when dead bodies are coming for me is to outrun them. And stopping to figure out whether they're being manipulated by a rich noble is likely to ensure my failure to survive.] 

 

2 - Jumping into a magical doorway, although tempting, especially when it is the only way to save your own skin with cavalry lances seconds away from impaling you, is a pretty bad idea. [Especially when no one has seen any magic in the world for millenia. [millennia] [Another terrible survival tip. You either jump through the door, or you don't survive. Jumping through the door is a fabulous idea. I'll be surprised if this guy lives past chapter 3.]

 

3 – Do not, under any circumstances, look directly into the eyes of an ancient sorcerer hovering above a battlefield, no matter how grim things may look on the ground. That kind of thing could get you killed. Or worse. [A better tip:  Do not, under any circumstances, look at anything other than the dead barbarian pawn swinging his sword at your neck.]

 

Wrayn only wanted to serve his lord well, and maybe even earn a knighthood one day. But deadly games are playing out above his head. [Literally? Like the sorcerer hovering above the battlefield?]  Soon he is charging with cavalry headlong into a siege, uncovering bloody clues of a decades-long ploy to take the crown, and peering into a parallel dimension, where an ancient evil is looking for just the right mortal vessel to inhabit. [I'd change those first two commas to semicolons so we don't think he's doing all three things at the same time.] If Wrayn does not master his fears and survive long enough to solve the mysteries threatening the realm, he will not only never make it back home, but [and] the kingdom will descend into irreversible chaos. [It kind of goes without saying that he won't make it back home if he doesn't survive.] 

 

Given your taste for epic fantasy and representation of [INSERT GOOD AGENT COMPS], I thought C would be a good fit for your list. A standalone fantasy novel with series potential and three points of view, it is complete at 104,000 words. Influenced by my love for fantasy with genre-blending twists and political intrigue, Horizon’s Door will appeal to fans of James Islington’s The Will of the Many and John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga.

 

I am a construction lawyer living in Charlotte, North Carolina, where I enjoy hiking in the Blue Ridge Mountains and eat way too much BBQ for my own good. Horizon’s Door would be my first published work.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Not clear why it's up to this squire to solve the mysteries threatening the kingdom. I suppose if  the ancient evil inhabits him and gives him the power to stop an army of zombies, that would be a start. But then he's stuck with an ancient evil inside him.

The survival tips are taking up a lot of space, and it's not clear how he learned this stuff. Did he look into the sorcerer's eyes and jump through the door? And survive? Or did he see someone else do it and die? Maybe it's better to show us what's happened than to tell us what he learned from it.

Maybe you should start something like:

Wrayn, a squire from a backwater corner of the realm, just wants to serve his lord well, and maybe even earn a knighthood. But when dead savages from the other side of the world lay siege to the kingdom, Wrayn realizes that magic and sorcery, not seen for millennia, have returned. And an ancient evil from a parallel dimension is looking for the right mortal vessel to inhabit.

Now you have room to cover the mysteries and clues and how Wrayn plans to save the kingdom from irreversible chaos.

 

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1534

Guess the Plot

We the Brazen

1. Ever-expanding robot hive mind Izkssisst runs out of materials for their next generation in a rocky asteroid belt. They resort to using brass, which leads to a splintering of the commune. Can we new Tissizks branch off on our own, or do we truly wish to be a part of the them?

2. When Clam gets tasked with cooking for a diplomat, she has no idea he'll turn out to be a young child. On the bright side, it means she'll only have to make pizza and chicken fingers.

3. It takes a lot of gall to march into the governor's mansion, take paintings off the walls, and burn them, but that's what the new tri delta pledges have to do. It's hazing, 2025-style.

 

Original Version

WE THE BRAZEN is a high fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 76K words. Fans of Deeplight by Frances Hardinge may enjoy the focus on friendship and the underwater setting.

Clam swore she would kill the next master she could get her hands on, [She must've been really steamed. Get it? Steamed clam.] and they heard her. [Not thrilled with "Clam" as the name of a main character, though I'll allow that it's better than "Lobster."] [Who is this "they" that heard her? The masters?] For twenty years she was condemned to kitchen work, never to serve an Exalted again. [Is serving an Exalted a cushy job? Because I think I'd rather work in a kitchen than serve some highbrow snob who considers himself exalted. Are the Exalted masters?] ["Condemned" is a pretty strong word for kitchen work, a job millions of people choose, and billions do in their own homes. Judge: I find you guilty as charged, and condemn you to 20 years as a personal chef.]

When she’s put to work under a young, disabled diplomat named Asran, she begins to suspect she was sent to him because of her threat, not despite it. Her home is a eugenicist dystopia, [Do you mean Asran's home? She was sent to him, right? I assume she works in his kitchen.] and does not take kindly to people like Asran. [Meaning disabled diplomats?] As much as she wants to make good on her promise, she's unwilling to kill a sweet child. [If "they" want Asran gone or dead, why don't they just banish or kill him?] [Wait, Asran is a child? And a diplomat?]

Her suspicions only deepen when she’s sent an unsigned letter that instructs her to give him foods he’s deathly allergic to. She must try to keep him and herself alive in a hostile world, and find out [identify? expose?] Asran’s would-be-murderer before they can finish the job. [If they were willing to finish the job, they would have done it already, instead of trying to get Clam to do it.]

___________ is [I am] a first reader for The Colored Lens and has [have] an affinity for the strange and the fantastic. They are [I am] autistic like Asran, and enjoy staying up too late talking to their [my] friends.

Notes

Does this sweet child, Asran, have parents? If so, I think they would be interested in finding whoever sent the letter. Why is Clam the one investigating?

If I want Asran to eat deadly food, I think I'd sneak it into his food myself, rather than tell someone else to do it, which leaves a a paper trail.

I'm not clear on what the eugenicist dystopia is. Is that Clam's homeland? The home she lived in before she was sent to Asran's home? Is she working in Asran's home, even though the people in this home don't take kindly to people like him?

My problems are with the plot, as much as the query, unless the query is giving me the wrong ideas about the plot, in which case you need to clarify the plot points I brought up.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1518 would like feedback on the follwong version of the query.

Dear Evil Editor,

ADAM & EVE is an adult 99,000-word LGBTQ+ thriller set in the Scottish Highlands and Islands, complete at 99,000 words. Combining the style of Everyone in my Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson with the speculative themes [evocative] of My Murder by Katie Williams, ADAM & EVE will appeal to fans of the dark humour in AppleTV’S Severance.

42 year-old solicitor Cat Cowan goes home [to Scotland] for the first time in a decade—but only for the sperm. She thinks pricey artificial insemination from the controversial specialists at The Clinic will fill the hole her ex-girlfriend left behind.

Cat’s thrilled when The Clinic delivers, but at the 6 week scan a whistle-blowing nurse tells her she received IVF instead of IUI.

No sperm; just an embryo. [Move this sentence to the end of the previous paragraph.]

Someone else’s embryo.

Devastated, [Enraged?] Cat takes a blood test and launches an investigation. She tracks down the offending clinician’s ex-wife, Tasha. With a shared enemy, they grow close as they dig into The Clinic’s sordid history: eugenics, questionable practices, exploiting a devastated population after a disastrous chemical spill that caused miscarriages, birth defects and cancer. And, after Tasha’s son hacks their servers, historic footage of strange tests performed on two children: [they called] Adam and Eve.

The footage is so old Adam and Eve must be adults by now, but there’s no trace of them. The investigation pivots to exposing embryo theft—The Clinic has an airtight retention policy that suggests they kept and raised two babies for developmental study—but before Cat and Tasha can expose them, Tasha’s son disappears. [is found dead. Or is he? Tasha's adamant the body in the morgue isn't her son.]

Then they find him dead on the beach. It’s ruled an accidental drowning, but Tasha’s adamant it isn’t him: he had braces as a child, and the teeth are wrong even if the rest of him matches.

Cat’s convinced he was killed because they’re close to exposing The Clinic, but Tasha won’t budge: her son is missing, not dead, and who—or what—ever is in the morgue, it’s not him.

As they search for Tasha’s son and confront the growing evidence that The Clinic isn’t just selectively implanting embryos, it’s cloning them, Cat realises the real question isn’t whose baby she has [is] inside her.

It’s who’s in there at all [what's inside her]. [The options being someone else's embryo/ baby or the clone of someone else's embryo/ baby, right?]

Notes

This is a big improvement, but is longer than ideal. Maybe that won't matter, but getting rid of the red words wouldn't hurt. 

Feedback Request

 The author of the book featured most recently here would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Public defender Shukari does a lot between [has many responsibilities, from] hunting plant-monsters and [to] investigating dark magic in eco-cities. It’s tough, but she believes everyone deserves safety and justice. Now, if only she could find a cure for a spell that has trapped numerous civilians in their own, fossilizing bodies, her parents included. Without a cure, death is certain. And though her leads keep hitting dead ends, Shukari refuses to give up.

So when she finally tracks [down] a [the] culprit, she’s overjoyed. Her target? Crime lord Tyris, notorious for his lethal magic weapons, including a [the] prototype behind her loved ones' condition. The [Her] plan[:] becomes strike key operations until his little kingdom collapses. Maybe then he'll talk cures. But Shukari soon crashes into a major hurdle: Tyris shook a lot of hands. Partners cover his tracks, traitors look the other way, and his empire fights back. As losses pile [up] and time runs short, Shukari makes a desperate play.

She steals the prototype. Pity it, too, [Sadly, it] doesn’t have the answer she seeks. The sensible thing, then, would be to destroy it before Tyris can make final versions. Instead, she plans [offers] a trade he can’t resist: give her a cure and he gets his weapon back. Neither side plans on giving the other what they want, so it’s down to who can trick whom. But [And] if Shukari can’t outwit a [the] master dealmaker, she’ll be handing over [saving] the lives of countless people.  

Notes

I think this is what you're after. Good luck.

Face-Lift 1533

Guess the Plot

Love Entombed

1. When Yondell's fiancé disappears, she searches high and low, until she finally finds him . . . in his coffin. Luckily, he's a vampire, so he's not dead. He's undead.

2. Maurice and Heather are convicted of adultery. Their sentence: being buried alive. Pretty harsh, but at least they're buried in the same casket.

3. Collier and Bertoll thought it would be romantic to make love in a cave. Then a landslide blocks the entrance, trapping them in darkness. And what's that growling?

4. Rumpelle has had it with her husband's nagging, so she tells him his Valentine's Day gift is buried in the woods behind their house. Little does he know, as he tries to unearth it, that he's digging his own grave.

Original Version

I’m pleased to submit Love Entombed, a 93,000-word Gothic novel with a dual timeline, where passionate love and dark family secrets converge in the wilds of northeast Florida. [I googled a map of northeast Florida. The only things converging there are so many highways and beaches and cities it looks like a giant spider web. Change your setting to the wilds of Borneo.] The story will appeal to readers who enjoyed the lush, shadowy atmosphere of Mexican Gothic as well as fans of the rich prose and obsessive love found in Dowry of Blood. (Some fans perhaps will be reminded of the cult, 1960s soap opera—Dark Shadows.) [Most people who were watching soap operas 60 years ago are now 90+ years old.] 

In the main timeline, twenty-eight-year-old Yondelle Dixon returns to her family’s home, where her estranged father, Gilbert, is caretaker of the El Fuente mansion. [Is this mansion her family's home?] She reconnects with her father who is in hospice. [How can he be in hospice and still be caretaker of this mansion?] Yondelle insists that Gilbert reveal why their family is bound to the El Fuente and why her fiancé, Ambrose El Fuente, mysteriously disappeared. Yondelle agrees to take the Vow to serve the El Fuente, in exchange for the information she desires. [I can't imagine her agreeing to that, unless she's not planning to keep her end of the bargain.] Unfortunately, her father dies before revealing the answers, so Yondelle must unravel the mystery herself. Since Ambrose disappeared, whispers plague Yondelle, and they’ve only grown stronger since her return. [The strength of a whisper is limited by the fact that it quickly becomes talking, as shown by this depiction of the range of human voices:

You can do without that sentence anyway, as it's not clear who, if anyone, is whispering.]

Yondelle enjoys the support given by her cousin Reina, with whom she shares a shotgun-style house on the estate. It’s eventually revealed that Yondelle gave birth to Ambrose’s son, and Reina passed him off as her own, since Yondelle was too young and heartbroken to raise a child.

Led by Nadira, a sea witch and housekeeper of the mansion, Yondelle realizes that she is the reincarnation of Ambrose’s wife from the 1500s. [When you called her a sea witch, I immediately thought of Sea Witch in Popeye, who had a vulture familiar, but then I Googled it and discovered she was called Sea Hag, not Sea Witch. Another example of why the internet is so valuable in modern times.] [If I'm in the mansion where my father is the caretaker, and the housekeeper pulls me aside to tell me I'm the reincarnation of a woman who lived 500 years ago, I'm slowly backing out of the building.] Whispers lead her to discover Ambrose, one of the Undead, in a sealed coffin under the chapel. [Pssst, Yonny....look in the coffin under the chapel.] Ambrose is one of the Royal Vampyre, second in line to the throne of the El Fuente dynasty. He has waited for Yondelle to reincarnate for five hundred years. [Wait, Ambrose, her fiancé, goes missing from wherever they were living, so she travels to this mansion in Florida to ask her dying father why Ambrose went missing, as if he would know, and it turns out Ambrose is right there, sealed in a coffin under the chapel, and has been, for 500 years?] [If he's been in that coffin for 500 years, how did he get Yondelle pregnant? Is their son 500 years old? Or does Ambrose come out of the "sealed" coffin at night?] [When she opens the coffin and finds her fiancé, the guy whose son she gave birth to, does she recognize him? I think if I'm her, and I open a coffin that's been sealed for 500 years, and the body in there opens his eyes and says Hi, Honey, I'm running like hell.]

A conclave of Royal Vampyre Houses meets on the El Fuente estate. Yondelle is desperate to conceal her son, since being in the line of succession is dangerous. Despite Yondelle’s best efforts, Van is discovered. A battle ensues. In the end, [Spoiler alert.] Van is saved. Ambrose and Yondelle are reunited. [The guy waits 500 years to get back with his wife, only to find she's been sleeping around . . . with his son?] [Since Ambrose is 2nd in line to the throne, Van is 3rd, which makes me wonder why anyone's trying to kill Van.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

It's a bit confusing, which explains why I probably got some of the facts wrong. It's undoubtedly less so in the book, but we don't want any of that in the query. Fewer characters would help. We probably don't need Nadira or Reina in the query. The first plot paragraph could be shortened to:

Twenty-eight-year-old Yondelle Dixon returns to her family’s home, to ask her estranged, dying father, Gilbert, why their family has long been bound to the El Fuente family. Yondelle's fiancé, Ambrose El Fuente, has recently disappeared. Unfortunately, her father dies before revealing the truth, so Yondelle must unravel the mystery herself.

When her investigation reveals that Ambrose, one of the Undead, lies in a sealed coffin under the chapel, and that she is the reincarnation of Ambrose's wife from the 1500s, she's in disbelief--until she opens the coffin. 

Something like that provides more room to clarify what's going on and who's who.

I don't see why Yondell is quizzing her father about why her family is bound to the El Fuentes, when she's agreed to marry one of them. 

Face-Lift 1532

Guess the Plot

Canticle of Rot

1. Biodegradation is an important part of earth's environmental ecology. But when it leads to mutant zombie fungus engulfing the planet, it's up to one teenager to save us all. Think "Canticle for Lebowitz," but with recycled, composted themes, values, and media.

2. The planet is rotting from within, and only one person can save us: farm boy Alvin, and his magic gloves.

3. When the congregation turns in their hymnals to Hymn 666, they little suspect that singing it will open the door to hell and doom us all to servitude to Satan.

Original Version

I'm seeking representation for my first book CANTICLE OF ROT that came in at 83K words and is a adult cosmic horror fantasy in the vein of T. Kingfisher’s What Moves the Dead and Christopher Buehlman’s The Blacktongue Thief, with the slow-building existential terror of Simon Jimenez’s The Spear Cuts Through Water. [TLDR. Here's a shorter sentence: CANTICLE OF ROT (83K words) is an adult horror fantasy with the slow-building terror of Simon Jimenez’s The Spear Cuts Through Water.] [Note that I left out the comp titles that your book is "in the vein of," which is almost as vague as saying My book, like The Blacktongue Thief, has words.] It is the first in a planned series with standalone arcs and character-centered storytelling. [If you put this stuff after the plot summary, when you've already hooked us, it won't matter that we haven't read any of these books.]

Reality doesn’t break cleanly. Alvin knows that better than most. [Because Alvin has broken reality many times, and each time the break was jagged.]

Once a lowly child from a farming town, turned demon hunter. Alvin now wields gloves that let him tear through the seams of the world [Is Alvin Wolverine's real name?] —but every use risks dragging him deeper into the rot that’s unraveling it. The power feels like a gift. It isn’t. [I'm not clear on why the ability to tear through the seams of the world feels like a gift. Possibly because I don't know what you mean by tearing through the seams of the world. A more concrete example of what his gloves can do might help.] 

A corruption older than empires has taken root in the marrow of cities. Children vanish. Towns twist into parodies of themselves. Eldritch hymns hang in the sky. [The only item on that list that doesn't need explaining is "Children vanish."] Alvin joins a small band of outcasts, each scarred, violent, or barely holding together, to investigate the source. They follow rumors, ruins, and nightmares through crumbling kingdoms and haunted forests, toward a truth that should never be found. [Do these other people also have magical clothing accessories? Because they sound like they're just gonna hold Alvin back like a big iron ball chained to his leg.] 

Alvin wants to protect what he couldn’t before. [What couldn't he protect before?] But to do that, he’ll need to master a gift that burns him alive with every use, [Does every use of the gloves drag Alvin deeper into the rot, or burn him alive? Both, I guess. Wait, is it like the one ring to rule them all, and it corrupts the wearer?] and hold together a group on the edge of collapse. Worse still, something in the rot calls to him. It knows his name. [At the risk of dating myself, I keep thinking of David Seville calling ALVIIIIIIN!!! to Alvin the chipmunk.] And if he breaks first, the world will follow. [Is Alvin breaking first a callback to reality not breaking cleanly?] 

I am a 35 year old stay at home dad debut author with background in psychology, mythology, and criminal justice.

Notes

Here's what I gather from your plot summary. A "rot" is "unraveling" the world. Alvin, a farmer who fancies himself a demon hunter, has somehow acquired magical gloves that let him tear through the world's seams. He joins a band of misfits to find the truth about the rot, a truth that shouldn't be found. And the rot calls to him. I'm guessing the rot has something to do with demons? 

Basically. it's the end of the world, but Alvin can prevent it.

I believe you'd be better off telling us what happens in your book, so we know you have a story. Who is Alvin, where'd he get the gloves, and what's his goal? To kill a few local demons, or to save the planet?

What's his plan to accomplish this goal? Will using the gloves kill him? Turn him into a demon? Are demons trying to kill him? How does he deal with this?

What's at stake? In other words, What will happen if he fails? If he succeeds?

Once you've got that down, if you have room you can try to fancy it up with the marrow of cities and hymns in the sky and seams of the world.

If the rot is a metaphor for the Trump administration, who is Alvin?

Face-Lift 1531

Guess the Plot

The Long Now: Aldin

1. After time becomes obsolete, the only thing holding reality together is causality. But Aldin plans on changing that so he can get what he wants: the heart of Minnie Mouse. Also popsicle trains.

2. When unemployed Aldin Graham realizes he can stop time, he decides to become a private detective. Weeks later, he still hasn't figured out how the ability to stop time is in any way useful in the private eye biz.

3. Sentenced to death for an unauthorized pregnancy and birth, Aldin and Claire go on the run. But can they prevent a coywolf from eating their baby?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I hope you will enjoy THE LONG NOW: ALDIN, [is] a 65,000-word adult climate fiction set one hundred years in the future about a naïve but resourceful newlywed banished with his pregnant wife to an American Southwest ravaged by desertification. [I'm not sure what ": Aldin" is doing there. It's like Dune: Paul or Casablanca: Rick.] 

 Like Dustborn (Erin Bowman), this is an odyssey across sand. It’s as grounded as The Water Knife (Paolo Bacigalupi) with a subtle hint of Western–more The Postman (David Brin) or Young Ones (Jake Paltrow) than Firefly (various authors). [Blue words are reserved for Evil Editor. The person to whom you're writing undoubtedly knows this, and will wonder who the heck you think you are, using blue words.] [Also, there's no need to offer a comp title for the fact that your book is grounded, or three comp titles for anything your book has a subtle hint of.] [Also, I'd rather you tell me all about your book before you bring up other books that I may not have read, so put this at the end of the plot summary.]

Climate change has devolved North America into a feudal version of the Wild West. Every life depends on water owned by the few, and the sentence for an unauthorized pregnancy is to wander the desert until dead. [So the Republicans are back in power.] [What does it take to get your pregnancy authorized?]

Sixteen-year-old ranch hand, Aldin, idolizes eighteen-year-old Claire. Even after Balder splits her lip at a general assembly of the ranch's workers, Claire defiantly refuses to name her baby's father. But rather than allow Balder to strike Claire with his cane, Aldin steps forward tacitly admitting fatherhood. [At which point Balder strikes both of them with his cane.] [I think you said "'idolizes" when you meant "knocked up."] [Claire: You couldn't have admitted fatherhood before Balder split my lip?] Four months after being forced off their ranch, Claire gives birth to her son in The Long Now, a real-world, eighty-foot monument to generational responsibility. ["Real world," as opposed to the fictional world in which your book is set?]

Despite their death sentence, Aldin promises his involuntary bride [Involuntary, meaning she didn't want to marry him? I don't see how or why she would be forced to get married after she's been sentenced to death.] he will stand by her and see her to safety. To keep his promise and win over his reluctant wife, Aldin battles baby-stealing coy-wolves, wife-stealing fundamentalists, soul-stealing parents—and thirst—the omnipresent predator that prowls this arid land. 

Because this manuscript won the 2021 Arizona Authors Novel contest,  two of its chapters were published in Arizona Literary Magazine. (All rights reverted to me.) This story was a finalist in the fiction category for the Tucson Festival of Books Literary Awards. I heavily revised this manuscript after a developmental edit by Stuart Horwitz (author of Book Architecture). [An entire history of this book is far less important than a more detailed report of what happens in it.]

I've been an editor of a weekly economics blog, taught a year-long writing course, and run several critique groups. Currently, I am the founder of my local writer's group, Flagstaff Writers Connection, and one of two liaisons for the state writer’s group, Arizona Authors Assn. I volunteer for the Northern Arizona Climate Change Alliance. [These activities show a certain devotion to writing, but I think we all can agree you do them because no one else wants to do them.]

Notes

The kids were apparently sentenced to death by desert because of an unauthorized pregnancy, but it appears that sentence was reduced to a split lip, a caning, and banishment from the ranch where they work. They manage to spend four months traveling to this Long Now place without being executed. And now that the baby is born, the authorities who want to put them to death aren't even listed among the many threats you say they're facing. It feels like there's a missing piece of information. Are they constantly on the run? Or are the ranch workers the only ones who know about the pregnancy, and didn't inform the authorities?

You call this an adult book, but  your main character is sixteen. Young adults can handle books in which pregnancy and death sentences occur. And young adults are more likely to identify with teen characters. Plus, calling it YA won't deter adults from reading it.

Maybe some information about the four months between their banishment from the ranch and the birth  at the Long Now would fill some gaps.

Face-Lift 1530

Guess the Plot

Beauty of the Star's Destruction

1. Between the stars and the Earth dwell many gods. But enough about them, for this story is about what happens when the king summons a star. Hint: we don't all burn to a crisp.

2. Everyone loves those Hollywood icons, especially when they crash and burn. This biographical collection catalogs the horrifying fates of various actors, most of whom die of drug overdoses, but also plane crashes, murders, etc.

3. Mary Murgatroid is filled with jealousy after her more famous and gorgeous sister, Karenna Murgatroid, wins an Oscar. Mary, fueled by rage, swears to get her revenge, no matter the cost.

4. When Beauty's father returns to their small moon base with rose seeds and a harrowing story of a planetside monster, Beauty knows she must investigate. Also, star-eating space wizards.

5. Beauty of the Star's Destruction: Delta Scorpii is going supernova in the next century, but as Moro's population flees, the Bundi family stays, growing in power on the doomed planet. Their dynastic and incestuous struggle for control seems futile--until Oidol discovers the secret behind it all.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Many gods dwell beneath the Wandering Stars, yet Holger offers his prayers to none of them. Through the kind words of a priest from a far away land, Holger has accepted the love of the god known as “the Mother” into his heart and ostracized himself in his community.

Across the Bison Plain in Suuthia, a kingdom of horse lords and sea-born giants, [Are horse lords like centaurs, with horse bodies and human heads, or like Bojack Horseman, with horse heads and human bodies? Please tell me they're not just guys with horses.] the King has also listened to the teachings of the Mother…and twisted it [them]. King Spargapathes has received good omens for war from the Mother and turns his bronze-clad horde, and his star-summoning artifact, to the borders of Holger’s home.

Holger and his friends race to stop the coming invasion and King Spargapathes’s heresy, only to fall into the gods’ game. [What is the gods' game?] [Giants and horse lords and a bronze-clad horde are invading, and this Holger guy recruits his friends to repel the invasion? And his friends agree? We need an explanation, like that Holger is the newest member of the Avengers.] He hears whispers of “champion” in his head, but the voices are not always the same. When Holger gives in to the voices and ascends the power structure, he finds his own people do not like his humble beginnings or his god that favors the invaders. [No surprise; they didn't like him to begin with.] Holger must ask himself, “How can you love god, if god loves your enemy.”

Complete at 118,000 words, BEAUTY OF THE STAR’S DESTRUCTION is an adult, high fantasy that explores how far faith can be stretched when god may not be on your side. Set in an ancient america inspired bronze age world, these characters will witness the first signs of the coming collapse as mortals try to harness the power of the Wandering Stars. This book will feel familiar to readers of John Gwynne’s Shadow of the Gods and gritty and personal like Bernard Cornwell’s The Saxon Stories series.

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Notes

So there's this Holger person, who's been ostracized, and his land is being invaded by a land with giants and horse lords, and he wants to stop them. That's about all I got out of your plot summary. What's his plan? What will happen if he fails? Tell us the story. The whispering voices and humble beginnings and deep thoughts aren't needed in the query. We want to know Holger's goal. Is he hoping to convert everyone to Mother by saving them?

He's ostracized in his community, but apparently he has enough friends that he can take on an army?