Feedback Request

A revised version of New Beginning 707 is in the comments there. The author would like your opinion.

Writing Exercise Results . . .

Are in the posts below. The task was to write a scene involving Evil Editor, Marriage Counselor.

EE, Marriage Counselor 7

They entered my office as if they owned the place. Who did they think they were, anyway? Expanding my practice to counseling idiots had seemed a logical step, but as my first clients took a seat on the couch I now realized it meant actual contact with the annoying. Unless . . . unless I ran the sessions from a chat room. It made sense. I'm the kind of guy who develops an immediate hatred of people whose voices I find even mildly abrasive. In a chat room I wouldn't hear what they sounded like. I'd be completely impartial--except I'd see who was a faster typist and who was a better speller. Which might be an advantage; bad spelling is often the root cause of marital discord, as it's one of those things you often don't find out about until you're stuck with the person. And fast typing is nothing more than showing off, unless it's completely free of typos, in which case it's also a sign of anal retentiveness.

I was about to tell my first clients to go home and log onto my blog for our session when I realized it was too late. I'd already seen them. I'd seen the beauty mark on the woman's cheek. I'd seen the guy's tassle loafers. She had fake fingernails; he had an earring. Here in my office these irritants could battle it out until I eventually found one person less unbearable than the other, and rendered my Solomonic decision of who was to blame for their inevitable divorce. In a chat room, my imagination would run wild. Each use of an adverb by him would make his visible nose hairs seem another inch longer. One misuse of the word "literally" by her, and my thoughts would run wild until that run in her stocking was the size of an extension ladder.

I looked at them. Each of them had apparently decided--correctly--that I would side against whoever spoke first. It's the first thing they teach you when you're training in this field, I'm guessing. Whoever talks first is an insufferable loudmouth, and the other one needs compassion, especially if she's good looking.

After twenty minutes of silence, it was looking like I would have to break the ice. But no. The guy was on the verge of cracking. I could hear him sweating. Probably couldn't bear the thought of forking over a hundred and fifty bucks for the kind of session they could have gotten free at the library. He cleared his throat. The sound was almost imperceptible, like a mouse coughing while wearing a surgical mask, but my eyes shot right at him, and he knew the jig was up. So did his wife; her smile of gratitude gave me a warm feeling of satisfaction in a job well done. I made a mental note to contact her about a private session.

"We need to stop now," I told them. "Same time next week?"

--Evil Editor

EE, Marriage Counselor 6

"You're kidding me, right?"

"What do ya mean?"

"What I mean is, you're kidding me, right?" I pointed behind me to the sign on the door. "YOU...counseling women about marriage?"

"Nowhere does it state I counsel only women."

"Yeah, but who do ya think's gonna be flocking to you in droves now that you've shown yourself? Do you think it's the guys? Do ya?"

"What I think is, marriage requires a party of two per contract, thus two people will be attending my marriage counseling sessions. Two people who are married to each other." Sparky gave me a damn good imitation of a stern look, but I had more to say, so while he could stern me up all he wanted, it wasn't gonna keep me quiet.

"Well, what I think is, you'd be better off running writer's retreats, like the ones you said you were gonna run."

"I tried that first, but, interestingly, only female minions signed on, and I had an idea I'd actually have to retreat from my own retreat if I...wanted to save my own marriage..."

"Which gave you the idea for marriage counseling, huh?"

"Well," Sparky hesitated, placing the tips of his fingers from one hand to the tips of the other, considering. "Yes, yes I suppose one could say that. My wife...she...ah...mentioned that if I went ahead with preparations for the...ah...retreats..."

"You'd need marriage counseling?"

"Something like that."

--Robin S.

EE, Marriage Counselor 5

Our marriage was dysfunctional. Our neighbour had recommended a marriage counselor; surprising, since he had delusional feelings for my wife. Yet, here I was, at Mr. E. Editor's door.

I knocked, he yelled, we went in.

We moved big stacks of papers to sit on the sofa. He sat at his desk, going through papers, grunting, shaking his head, tossing them into a pile; are OCD's allowed to be marriage counselors?

I cleared my throat to empower myself.

“What?” he demanded.

My wife watched the guy.

I cleared my throat. “Well, we... the door says... I-”

“I think we can pinpoint your marital problems to failures in communication. Good day. Bill's in the mail.”

This guy had a low emotional intelligence. My holistic agenda was to actualize our meaningful relationship and open channels. I cleared my throat. “I came here because my wife's baggage causes her to project her complexes onto everything I do. She says I'm predictable, repetitive, cliché. If I do something unpredictable or share how I feel, she says 'that's so deus ex machina,' or-”

“Or hold the info-dumps?” He never even looked up. My wife smirked.

“How'd you know that?” That twitch started again. I knocked over a pile of papers.

“Just leave 'em,” he said.

He would tell the other therapists if I left a mess, so I tidied. The papers were manuscripts. I read a title aloud: “'How to Use Your Idiot for Literary Inspiration', by- hey, this woman has the same name as you!” But my wife just crossed her legs and pulled a peanut butter sandwich out of her purse. She's so insensitive. She knows how I feel about peanut butter. For the first time, the guy at the desk overcame his defensiveness. He reached for the manuscript, smiling.

--Mother (Re)produces

EE, Marriage Counselor 4

Brian knocked once on the door, then opened it and peered inside. The man with the whiskers looked up and said, "Oh, it's you. Come in."

Brian came in. "Is Samantha here yet?"

"I wrote her out."

"What?" said Brian. "But the trial separation -"

"It wasn't working. She was too bland. I wrote in Xenia instead."

"Who - ?"

The man with the whiskers pointed. In the corner of the room stood a stunning brunette in a black sequined evening gown that clung to the voluptuous curves of her body. She gazed at Brian through half-closed eyes, and her ruby lips pouted.

"See, Xenia is much more interesting. She's an acrobat, martial artist and assassin trained by a secret order in the Vatican to hunt down supernatural creatures; speaks eight languages and can kill a man with her bare hands in eight seconds flat. You gotta admit, it's an improvement on a legal secretary from Baltimore with bad skin and daddy issues."

"Um," said Brian. "Well, yeah - I mean, I was kind of used to Samantha, though - but, well, I can see, um, Xenia's a real improvement -" He grinned foolishly at his new wife; she smiled back, faintly, enigmatically.

"Yes, well. Wait till you meet Damien."

"Uh - wait," said Brian. "Who's Damien?"

"Xenia needs a proper love interest. Damien's an internally conflicted half-vampire bred for battle, but he's come to doubt his vocation, just as Xenia is sent to kill him, only she falls in love with him instead. I'm telling ya, it's gold. Cut the dead wood out of the story, bring in new characters, jazz it up. It'll work."

"What dead wood - ?"

There was a sound behind him. Brian turned. Damien's fanged smile was the last thing he saw.

--Steve Wright

EE, Marriage Counselor 3

"Papacito says you demand too much in a husband," EE the marriage counselor said.

"After my graduation, Poppie announced that he was cursed with a spinster and wanted a Petruchio. I want a man like my Poppie. Julio was a muscle-bound, hairy body with a Vienna sausage. He grabbed my butt and I slapped him. Then he snuck into the shower and swore that he was the only man for me, that Eros placed him on earth to worship me. I kicked him so hard the doctors told me that his nuts reached escape velocity. They now call him JPS; Julio Positioning System."

"Alas poor Julio, I knew him well."

"Then came Roberto. A wispy, flighty ginger boy with delusions of being chief stud. Hah! More like a skinny carrot with hairy, unkempt roots. He suffered an unfortunate accident with a depilatory that kinda left him with a nubbin and two shriveled raisins." EE covered his manhood and made ouch, ouch noises.

"Last I heard he was a canary at the methane plant," She said putting her finger to her chin.

"Again, no marriage."

"So Poppie started the Petruchio routine again. His assistant, Slim Shady -- Davy Jones chest, chicken neck and pimples on his butt -- showed up. I can't marry a man with pimples on his butt. I know Poppie blames me... but I was on my knees confessing to Padre Esteban the goatherd. Those wood floors are hard."

"Another groom you frightened away."

"Not true. How could I know Slim Shady would run from a twitter about vagina dentata?."

"Bad girl! Bad girl! Whatcha going to do when the bridesmaids come for you?"

"I wasn't born bad. I just grew up that way." she leaned forward and let EE ogle her nipple rings. "You like me, don'tcha?"

--Dave F.

EE, Marriage Counselor 2

Evil Editor glanced through the stiff handwriting of the sheet in front of him. "I've been reading through your description of your marriage and I have to admit, it needs work."

Georgette and Samuel sat stiffly on the edge of the chestnut brown couch, staring at the floor. Neither of them spoke.

Evil Editor leaned back in his leather swivel chair and placed his feet upon his desk. For a moment, the only sound was the soft tapping of his blunt-cut fingernails against the cream leather of the armrest. He could wait.

Finally Georgette burst out in tears. Samuel watched her helplessly for a moment and then reached and began patting the back of her shoulder, rather like he was trying to burp her, thought Evil Editor. "There, there," said Samuel. Georgette took a deep, shuddering breath and turned her tear-filled eyes to her husband.

"Get your hands off me," she hissed. Samuel jumped back, hands raised in placation. She resumed her sobs without further interference.

Evil Editor drummed his fingers. After a few minutes, he cleared his throat and glanced at his watch. Georgette pulled a handkerchief out of her bag and blew her nose with a loud snort.

"I feel better now," she said with a watery smile at Evil Editor.

"Good." He sat up and picked up the paperwork on his desk, brushing off the heel mark he'd left on the top sheet. "Can we carry on?"

The couple looked up at him, nodding.

"So, in 1969, Samuel moved to Marrakesh with a - you wrote "tramp" here, Georgette. It's better to be specific. She was an ex-Rolling Stones groupie, is that right?"

Georgette wailed again.

Evil Editor rubbed his forehead. He was sure that they could succeed if only they would both listen to him. "You've spent over fifty years fighting each other - half a century! - you must see the potential there!"

Samuel looked up at him, hopeful. "Do you really think we can save our marriage?"

"Marriage?" Evil Editor laughed and shook the papers at him. "The marriage is clearly a write-off. But your notes - we could revise these into a memoir that will get you onto the Oprah show for sure!"

--Sylvia

EE, Marriage Counselor 1

Bailey Rumpole entered Evil Editor's Marriage Counseling, Payday Loan, Internet Poker & Novel Editing Emporium.

"Rotten woman, bad credit, desperate for cash, or unreadable novel?" said Evil Editor, before Rumpole could sit down.

"Rotten woman," said Rumpole. "I do have a trunk novel that could be a Hollywood--"

"I don't do trunk novels," said Evil Editor. He took two hand puppets from a desk drawer and put a happy face puppet on his right hand and a frowning face puppet on his left hand.

"Hi, I'm Mister Precious," said Evil Editor's right hand.

"Bite me," said Evil Editor's left hand.

"That's Mister Grumpy," said Mr. Precious.

Mr. Rumpole squinted. "Okay...?"

"What did the ingrate woman do?" said Mr. Grumpy.

"She doesn't understand how a man with a wife and many doting female friends can compartmentalize," said Mr. Rumpole. "How he can 'enrich' young women friends while remaining adequately attentive to the wife, as required."

"I understand," said Mr. Precious.

"Uh huh," said Mr. Rumple. "Mr. Grumpy, could you give me a few working examples I could use, say, from your own life, how you've stayed under the radar of your ungrateful wife?"

"How much is my wife paying you?" said Mr. Grumpy.

Mr. Rumpole started shaking. "Um, not a lot. She said her allowance is debilitating."

"I'll double your pay if your report paints me glowingly," said Mr. Precious.

"Or I'll call the state attorney," said Mr. Grumpy.

"And triple it if I'm thrilled afterword," said Mr. Precious.

"How about my trunk--"

"I don't do trunk novels, " said Mr. Grumpy.

"Mr. Grumpy is a little inflexible," said Mr. Precious, "but he's a good ally in a shooting war, if you know what I mean."

"Deal," said Mr. Rumpole.

--Bill H.

Book Chat

In the comments, starting at 10 AM eastern.

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Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 703

Guess the Plot

The Faerie Knight

1. He may be tiny, but Sir Swinkie is the best jouster in Bramblewood, assuming his opponent also rides a mouse. So when Queen Mab is 1] attacked by an evil cat, and then 2] kidnapped by an evil child, Swinkie leads the raiding faerie troupe into the house of the evil giants.

2. The king wants a human bride so that he can become invincible and conquer the mortal world, so he sends the Faerie Knight to get him one, specifically Christa. But it turns out Christa has a boyfriend, and the Faerie Knight figures that if he's going to persuade Christa to marry the king, he'll have to murder her boyfriend first. Hilarity ensues.

3. Sheathed inside a protective suit of armor the bastard king of England cunningly plots his next thrust into the bedchambers of neighboring kingdoms. He leaps from one exciting tryst to the next. The exciting climax comes to a head during the 1066 Battle of Hastings. Will he reach the pinnacle of ecstasy or will his armor rust from inside?

4. Jousting while holding a fifty pound stick and trying to keep his balance while his wings itch and ache crumpled up inside his coat of armor makes Herbie the Faerie wonder why he ever signed up for the Knight in Shining Armor course at the tech institute, but there's no turning back now.

5. Isabella, a 14th-century Spanish nun, writes poetry and romances for herself. When a strange man appears in her cell, will it lead to her greatest work--or to disaster?

6. Ed Spenser adds a few artistic swirls of tar while repairing the cracks in the road and incidentally summons Britomart, the Faerie Knight. Together they seek the remaining knights who have all disappeared from the Faerie Court. Also, evil slave-mistress Radigund who runs a pet shop.


Original Version

Dear (Editor's name)

I'm seeking representation for my 55,000 word Young Adult urban fantasy novel The Faerie Knight.

Eighteen-year-old Faerie Knight, Simeon Langston, is fiercely loyal to his King, Gregory. So when Gregory wants an envoy to go out into the human world to bring him a human bride, Simeon reluctantly agrees. [Would a fiercely loyal subject be reluctant to obey his king?] The task presented to him, however, involves murdering a young human male, Reginald, and taking on his persona so that he will be in a better position to persuade Reginald’s girlfriend, Christa, to marry Gregory. [Wouldn't your boyfriend be the least likely person to be persuading you to marry someone else? Won't Christa be suspicious? Why not get rid of Reginald and take on the persona of Christa's best (female) friend?] This is because if she marries Gregory before the faerie gods he will become invincible and be able to conquer the mortal world. But right from the beginning things don't go as planned as Simeon experiences difficulty adjusting to life in the human world, and worse [Delete that word.] finds himself falling for the very girl he is supposed to be getting for Gregory. Torn between his loyalty to Gregory and love for Christa, what choice will Simeon make?

I received a BA in English from York University in Toronto, Canada and aim to succeed as a writer of fiction and film projects.

Would you be interested in looking at The Faerie Knight? I thank you in advance for your time, and look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Sincerely


Notes

If Simmy murdered Reggie and moved into his body, hasn't Christa noticed any changes in her boyfriend?

Does Gregory know anything about Christa? Can he conquer the mortal world if he marries any human woman? If so, can't Simeon keep Christa and bring Gregory a different woman to marry?

How is this persuasion of Christa supposed to play out?

Simeon (as Reginald): Sorry hon, but we're through.
Christa: You've . . . found another woman?
Simeon: No, I've found another man. For you. Well, not a man, exactly, but he's male, and I want you to marry him. So he can conquer the mortal world.
Christa: Ha ha. You had me going there for a minute.

I think you need to explain how a boyfriend is well-positioned to persuade a woman to marry a Faerie king she's never met. Or to marry the knight who murdered her boyfriend.

Cartoon 530

Caption: Anon.

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Success Story

Jeanne Tomlin reports that the following version of her query (discussed in Face-Lift 664) garnered a number of requests for full ms and that yesterday she signed with an agent:


Eighteen-year-old James Douglas can only watch, helpless, as the Scottish freedom fighter, William Wallace, is hanged, drawn, and quartered. Even under the heel of a brutal English conqueror, James' blood-drenched homeland may still have one hope for freedom, the rightful king of the Scots, Robert Bruce. James swears fealty to the man he believes can lead the fight against English tyranny.

Robert Bruce is soon a fugitive, king in name and nothing more. Scotland is occupied, the Scottish resistance crushed. Only James believes their cause is not lost. With driving determination, he blazes a path in blood and violence, in cunning and ruthlessness as he wages a guerrilla war to restore Scotland's freedom. James knows he risks sharing Wallace's fate, but what he truly fears is that he has become as merciless as the conqueror he fights.

THE BLACK DOUGLAS is a 95,000-word historical novel, which follows one of one of the heroes of the Scottish War of Independence. Sample pages are pasted below.
I am the author of A WARRIOR'S DUTY published in July 2009 by Swimming Kangaroo Books, and my flash story Guardian Demon appeared in the Editor Unleashed/Smashword Flash 40 Anthology. I also have a BA in English with a minor in history.

Upon your request, I am prepared to send a partial or the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

Feedback Request

The query letter featured in Face-Lift 706 has a new version awaiting your input. It's in the comments there.

New Beginning 709

Every year, at least once a year, I made the trip back to Florida. Mother and Dad understood but told no one; Dad did have one more brief talk with Lady Hippolyta. Everyone assumed it was to visit Disney World, maybe with a brief stop to visit my grandparents. To my social friends I played up an enormous interest in Disney World, professing it to be my “dirty little secret, so don’t tell a soul!” I was emerging as a world-class cellist (thanks to my status as von Braun’s pupil) and as a sophisticate, I was supposed to be above such childish affairs. I didn’t need to wear mouse ears or ride magic elephants! Walt Disney World was for little kids, for the easily and foolishly pleased, thank you kindly, and so I encouraged the deliberate misperception to flourish. Disney’s sojourn was for all to see; the swamp was mine alone for a while longer.

The other, deeper thing I just kept buried, less for family’s sake than for my own sanity’s. James did know there’d been a tragedy in my past; he did not know the truth nor did he want to. Letters still came from Star of the Sea at irregular times, letters James never saw. Not that there was anything secret about them, an announcement of this, a connection for that. Aside from the fact they bore his signature I regarded them as so much foolscrap. Her name never came up, but Sophia was in them. Yet she might as well have been some ancient maiden aunt, or a Victorian portrait, or a plot of land up in northern Minnesota for all it mattered, for all they barely touched on her existence in terms I alone understood. No real details regarding where or with who, no intimate news of her, nothing. At the time I read them and forgot them.

And yet, I had to make myself stop scrutinizing every dark-haired little girl I saw.


“So, what do you think?”

“Well, it’s not bad.” Sylvia looked at John wearily. “But do you really think you’ll be respected as a writer if you keep using that random story generator?”


Opening: Panda Rosa.....Continuation: Nicolette

Cartoon 529

Caption: Whirlochre

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Announcing . . .

The Evil Editor Cartoon DVD!

I put together a film consisting of my favorite cartoons set to music. Then I turned it into a DVD to try out a Mac feature. Now I'm offering it to anyone who wants it. The DVD is almost 40 minutes, with about 50 musical pieces and about 300 cartoons, ads, etc.

Order it at EvilEditor.net


SALE!

I printed more copies of Novel Deviations, volume 1, than I did of the other Evil Editor books. In an effort to reduce that pile to the height of the other piles (and to provide you with the opportunity to give a Christmas gift with a $10.00 cover price for half that much, thus seeming twice as generous as you are), I've temporarily reduced the price of ND-1 to $5.00.

Writing Exercise

The sign on the door reads . . . well, you can see it. Write the scene.

300 words max.

Deadline Sunday, 10 AM eastern.

Feedback Request

The author of Shift (Face-Lift 698) would like your opinion of a new version of the query letter. It's in the comments there.

Face-Lift 702

Guess the Plot

The Tooth of Time

1. After his parents die, Kelvin goes into a cave on an island known as the Tooth of Time. Suddenly he's in a new universe full of fantastical creatures, where he takes magic classes and plays an exciting new sport. Also, a dragon.

2.Billy had long been able to tune in songs from the radio on his dental fillings. But now he's starting to get dire warnings from the future-- and no one will believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

3. All Eddie wanted was an extra quarter for his last baby tooth. Instead he stumbles onto the awful truth: tooth fairies are aliens bent on cloning humans to use as slaves in the ice cream mines of Garglepuss IV. Only the dentists can save us now!

4. Clockmaker Alex Burton prides himself on the company's bizarre, punch card operated timepiece. But when baby Joey starts teething on the punch cards, the true nature of the machine is revealed and they find themselves 150 years in the past. Steampunk ensues.

5. Zelda the Tooth Fairy is dying, but a rare "tooth of time" would grant her immortality. Jimmy has one; will it come out before it's too late? Unaware of his treasure, Jimmy wonders about that voice that keeps goading him into fistfights.

6. Susie lost her first tooth in time to completely ruin her school photo. On the way home she lost it again, this time out of her pocket. All Susie wanted was a fifty-cent piece, but her search for the tooth lands her in Colonial America.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I would greatly appreciate your consideration of my recently completed middle grade/YA novel, THE TOOTH OF TIME.

11-year-old Kelvin doesn’t believe in magic. Why should he? His parents are dead and his relatives have abandoned him and his 9-year-old sister Corly at the Group Home for Troubled Children - but only after making sure they could claim the inheritance..

So it isn’t surprising that, after the siblings escape from the Home, Kelvin is initially skeptical when a homeless man confronts them, claiming to be magical. The man says some other incredible things: that he was friends with their mother who was born in a different universe and that he has been watching over them since their parents died, waiting for the right moment to return with them. [It would have been easier to watch over them as a janitor at the Group Home for Troubled Children than as a homeless guy. Does the Home allow homeless guys to hang around spying on the kids?]

The new universe of Belleterra is a place of magic, fantastical creatures, new friends, and an old and important prophecy made by one of the childrens’ ancestors. The Belleterra government thinks that Kelvin and Corly may be ‘The Ones’ to discover certain secrets that, if the prophecy is correct, will help to prevent a terrible war. Unfortunately the universe is also home to the Ubeltors, an evil society of followers of the late dictator Malificus Ubel, who also want to find the secrets using whatever means necessary. [Have they considered looking in Kel's mother's coded journals?]

Kelvin tries to help the government, but soon finds he has more pressing matters at hand: he sucks in his magic classes, he can’t decipher his mother’s coded journals [He can't? I guarantee he can, and does.] and he really needs to practice his favourite new sport, echolosolo. Then there’s the matter of someone sabotaging his echolator, instructing a dragon to kill him, and kidnapping his sister!

THE TOOTH OF TIME (approx. 107,500 words) is the first of a five book series that will unfold a tale of mystery, magic, suspense and fun. It is appropriate for ages 9 and up.

I would be happy to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

[Author's note: The title (The Tooth of Time) is the name of a small rock-island set in the midst of a river. In the heart of the island is a cave where the children 'cross-over' into the new universe.]


Notes

With main characters who are 11 and 9, this shouldn't be labeled YA.

The name of the island suggests it takes people through time, not to a different universe. And where does the tooth part come in? Is the island shaped like a tooth?

The book may not resemble Harry Potter in any way, but if you bring up plot points in the query that bring Harry to mind (dead parents, magic classes, a prophecy that the MC is "the one," a new sport . . . ) you suggest it's a HP knockoff. How many of these can you leave out of the query?

Try dumping the "Kelvin tries..." paragraph, which is a random list, and just finish the previous paragraph with: ...including kidnapping Carly. This works only if it's the Ubeltors who kidnap her, but the point is to focus on the main plot.

It's hard enough to sell a first novel for adults that's over 100,000 words. Even HP was rejected by a slew of publishers.

Cartoon 528

Caption: Evil Editor

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 708

The reflection in the mirror was reassuring. I sat at the edge of the bed and tapped my left foot. I was calm and I anticipated the unavoidable encounter with my husband. I took in a deep breath and brushed away the nappy curl that caressed my right eyelid and noticed that there were no tears.

I heard the rumble of keys at the front door. I had a direct view from my room and I saw the knob turn. I jumped up. “You better be sure this is what you want, because I’m not coming back this time. I’ve had it!” My husband spoke these words as he stormed toward me with his arms stretched out in an attempt to grab me.

Left foot weary, I shifted my weight, now tapping my right foot in long-awaited anticipation of his arrival at my bedside. "I'm sure that I'm sure this time." My voice conveyed a confidence I did not carry. "I want the bed against the wall by the window; and move the chair into the corner."


Opening: Flory.....Continuation: Wendy

Cartoon 527

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 701

Guess the Plot

Mysterious Gift

1. Ludlow strives to perfect the anti-gravity device despite Pruddy's lack of business sense and the constant hyper-criticisms of his mother. And that is why Charlotte loves him, though, of course, only from afar. Until she receives the . . . Mysterious Gift.

2. The elf left a brightly wrapped package under the sofa just as Edna despaired ever finding true love and happiness. But she never looks under there. After three days the greenie decides to be proactive and tries lots of clever tricks and silly antics -- and gets vacuumed up. Will Edna ever find t. l. & h.???

3. The moment she touches her birthday present, college student Jen is thrust into an ancient war between extraterrestrials and gods. Is she the key to peace after 8000 years of conflict? Can she defeat Seth, the god of evil? Wouldn't perfume have been a better gift?

4. Delbert Toomey answers a knock on his door to find someone has left something on his doorstep. Wrapped in an anonymous brown paper bag, it appears to be on fire. Can Delbert figure out what the mysterious gift is in time to save face . . . and his slippers?

5. Secret Santa is all fun and games, until Hayley opens her package and finds a human hand. Should she report it to the cops or investigate herself? How hard can it be to spot someone who's missing a hand?

6. Partridge, fine. Doves, Ok. But three hens, four collie birds and a squawk-induced headache later, Becca sets a trap for this mysterious admirer. Can Henry get her to accept the remaining gifts and release him from the curse, without telling her about it? Five gold rings might help.


Original Version

Dear (agent name) (Date)

JEN dreams of tomorrow when she graduates as an archeologist and flies to Egypt to begin her fieldwork. [Tomorrow's gonna be a busy day.] Nothing stands in the way of attaining her goals until she touches her 21st birthday gift, an ancient talisman. Jen’s hand jerks up and her mind’s eye opens: as visions of ancient Egyptian gods and goddesses along with alien beings fighting a deadly war fuse together, leading her to question her moral, religious beliefs and her courage. [Who gave her this gift, where'd they buy it, and what's the returns policy there?] With her new extraterrestrial allies, [It's a big step from visions to extraterrestrial allies. Is Jen at war?] family and friends she battles her demons, embraces her newfound inner strengths of courage and sacred beliefs, and undergoes training with the deities, emerging as a warrior queen possessing god-like powers, which she uses against an evil adversary. [I got a better idea. Have her fly to Egypt, meet a hunky archaeologist, fall in love, and live happily ever after.]

When Jen’s 21st birthday gift illuminates a dark room, her dreams begin. She learns to levitate, read and speak any language, see through the eyes of a god, teleport [These aren't her dreams. Her dream is to be an archaeologist.] and kill her enemies. [She has enemies? She's 21. Okay, I had a couple enemies when I was 21, but I didn't kill them.] Her new powers forces Jen to battle her own fears: the horror of killing and the pain of defeat. To lose she knows brings fatality and she knows that death is a coldness lasting an eternity. Also at stake are her religious beliefs. She questions if she is a pawn in a power struggle between gods, or will her actions lead to the resolution of a conflict between good and evil that has raged for 8000 years? [8000 years? Listen, if you can't resolve a conflict within a few millenia, it's time to call in an impartial mediator.] With her family and closest friends, she resolves her personal obstacles, gathers her companions, travels to an alien universe, [How many of the companions she gathers agree to go with her to an alien universe? I mean while keeping a straight face.] and enters a war that is threatening to spill out into the Milky Way Galaxy. Aided by ancient and alien races, early gods, BAST, a protective cat and MICHAEL an intelligent Cyborg [Intelligent cyborgs are such a cliche. Try making your cyborg an idiot.] with a sense of humor—she and her friend’s battle SETH, the god of chaos and evil. Seth’s goals include [but are not limited to] destroying any who oppose him, enslaving all habitable planets and oh yes, taking over as the supreme deity.

My stand alone novel, MYSTERIOUS GIFT, complete at 119,000 words, is a New Adult Science Fiction / Fantasy that takes readers along an avenue of escape and adventure, offering two worlds to explore, one ancient and the other alien and futuristic. The sequel, titled QUEST, is near completion, and the final standalone book is in outline form. Along with my passion for Egyptian, Grecian and Italian archeology, my credentials include a BA in History, participation in archeological field digs and twenty years as a Naval Flight Officer. The above knowledge, sprinkled throughout this adventure, makes MYSTERIOUS GIFT a page-turner. [All books are page-turners; the key statistic is the number of page-turns made before the book is tossed in the trash.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Scrap the whole thing; it's horrible. Just stick to the plot:

On her 21st birthday, aspiring archaeologist Jen Smith-Barney receives a mysterious package from Bubba Ho-tep. It's an ancient talisman, and it plunges Jen into an adventure involving Egyptian gods, alien beings, demons and a protective cat.

That's enough backstory. Now tell us what happens in the book. Make it sound like an adventure. That means leave out the inner strengths of courage and the moral, religious beliefs and the fears and personal obstacles. Focus on Jen and what she does and the stakes.