Saturday, April 29, 2006

Face-Lift 4

Guess the Plot

Coiled Revenge

1. Left for dead by an unscrupulous rival herpetologist, Dr. Kyle Sloan lays low while he plots to kill his adversary using the adversary's own deadly snakes as the murder weapon, thereby proving the adage that revenge is a dish best served . . . coiled.

2. Queen Cobra sets out to avenge her husband's death by killing the murderer who now wears his majesty as a belt.

3. After her brother Mack leaves the seat up again, Vivian Sloan exacts vigilante retribution with a loaded novelty peanut can

4. Famed hairstylist Garson Liver's elaborate coifs for the epic film, Star Wars MCIV - Return of the Lunch were completely ignored by the Academy. But he hasn't played his last hairpin yet, as the judges will find out.

5. When young women start dying, Tony's estranged wife hires a personal trainer, but the trainer is more personally interested in Tony--in killing him, that is.

6. Fred and Ethel check into a cheap hotel, never suspecting that an ancient mattress has been lying in wait, stuffed with dreams of retribution against overweight travelers.


Original Version

When young women start dying, [Young women simply start dying? Sounds like a job for Dr. House.] lead detective Tony Santos is drawn into a web of deceit and revenge that forces him out of the police department and directly in the sights of the killer.

That’s the basis of my recently completed novel, COILED REVENGE, a 100,000 word romantic suspense set in a small Texas costal town.

Letters carved in each victim's flesh and a string of clues has Tony confused when they point his own daughter’s death. A dead friend and a dead body in his own bed [If this is Tony's idea of a threesome, it's a new low for heroes.] leaves Tony accused of murder and out of his job. [Wait a minute, a cop loses his job just because he's the main suspect in a string of murders? Call the ACLU.] The killer strikes too close for comfort, attacking Marissa Santos, Tony’s estranged wife. [His estranged wife is too close for comfort, but his daughter wasn't?] She escapes death when Tony barges in, using the key he stole from her apartment to save her. [He uses a key to save her? Who is this guy, MacGyver?] [Surprising that a guy accused of murder is free to barge in anywhere . . . of course, this is Texas.] [This paragraph is a list of three separate events. Tie them together or just concentrate on one of them.]

Marissa wasn’t tough before she left Tony, but threats to her personal safety force her to prepare for a fight. She hires a personal trainer, Ally Upshaw, [Ally Oopshaw would be a more appropriate name for a personal trainer--and a darned entertaining one, too!] to help her get in shape. As the case heats up, [He's not actually on "the case," right? He's lost his job, so he has a lot of spare time, which he's using to investigate the numerous murders he's suspected of committing.] questions about Ally's background surface. Ally’s past is connected to Tony’s and she has plenty of reasons to hate him. [Such as?] The list of suspects is long and only narrowed once the plot for revenge is discovered. [The killer attacked Marissa, and Tony barged in and saved her; even if the killer was wearing one of those unsettling Ronald Reagan masks, and escaped out the window, they should easily have narrowed the suspect list by finding out who had an alibi for that time period. But perhaps I'm quibbling.] When Tony and Marissa find the killer’s identity, it is a race against the clock to escape. [To escape from the killer, who has captured them? If not, from what?]

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

A string of murders draws lead detective Tony Santos into a web of deceit and revenge that forces him off the police force and into the sights of the killer, in my recently completed novel, COILED REVENGE, a 100,000-word romantic suspense set in a small Texas coastal town.

The killer's sights seem to be trained on Tony himself: letters carved in each victim's flesh point to Tony's daughter’s death; a dead body turns up in Tony's bed; and the killer attacks Marissa Santos, Tony’s estranged wife (who escapes death when Tony barges in, using a key he stole from her apartment).

Marissa has never been physically strong, but threats to her personal safety force her to prepare for a fight. She hires a personal trainer, Ally Upshaw, to help her get in shape. But questions about Ally's past soon surface. A background check reveals that Tony shot Ally's brother four years ago, in a drug raid that turned violent. When Tony and Marissa finally realize who the killer is, they must race against the clock to survive.

The manuscript is available on request. An SASE is enclosed for your reply. Thank you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Evil Editor has got this one figured out. Tony left Ally at the altar years ago. Seething with bitterness, she began a career as a personal trainer, hoping one day Tony would marry someone else who would eventually leave him and hire her, allowing her to put her diabolical plan for revenge against Tony into motion.

Presumably, somewhere along the line Tony and Marissa realize they truly belong together, and hit the sheets? There is a romance, right? Will it be clear to anyone who reads this query that the romance is between Marissa and the husband she dumped? Who is going to believe that she would take him back, now that she knows the truth about him, namely that he stole her key?

9 comments:

j henley said...

Evil...you are giving me a sad case of the warm fuzzies. I felt this glow, and it wasn't just the chili I had for dinner. The whole dragon thing is a facade, right? You're more like a Ewok.:)

j henley said...

BTW, I just read your profile. Nero Wolfe? Hey! Everyone knows that the primo numero uno sleuth-o-writer is Leslie Charteris.

Evil Editor said...

Leslie Charteris? Who's she?

Sara Thacker said...

Thanks Evil for the sage words of wisdom. But I don't think you're as evil as your moniker suggest.

j Henley said...

evil? You read the Nero Wolfe mysteries and you've never heard of Simon Templar AKA the Saint? (tsk tsk)(Leslie is UK for guy)

Evil Editor said...

That was a joke, silly. E.E. was a loyal fan ofThe Saint. And even if he hadn't been, the mere suggestion that he might never have heard of his old drinking buddy Les, warrants punishment. I've a good mind to make you wait another day for your critique.

Lucy said...

EE, I am a huge fan. I'm an agent here in New York, wish I could take you out to lunch but alas, your identity remains a mystery to me! In any case, keep up the entertaining posts. This blog is one of my absolute favorites!

Evil Editor said...

Now if you were to become MY agent, I'd have no choice but to let you take me to lunch.

Evil Editor said...

I see your boss doesn't accept email queries. I'm guessing you do, and I look forward to a rewarding relationship as soon as I have that email address.