Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Evil Editor's Bio, Part 2

Before I get to the cathartic event that led to my becoming an editor, a few little-known facts about Evil Editor:

1. I believe in reincarnation, but only of inanimate objects. For instance, I believe that in a past life, I was Shirley MacLaine's carry-on luggage.

2. Each night when I get home from work, I inhale a few breaths from a tank containing a mixture of helium and laughing gas, and then work out in the nude on the uneven parallel bars. Then I spend the rest of the night working on my long-term project, digging a secret passage under the house, connecting the lounge to the conservatory.

3. I have a bad habit of screaming, cursing, and ranting at bad drivers, especially when I'm riding the city bus.

4. I am a virtuoso pianist, and yet I've never touched a piano. I learned by reading books.

5. I have an irrational hatred of people who always request chopsticks in Chinese restaurants.

6. I look like what you'd get if you superimposed the faces of J.D. Salinger, Miss Snark, Zorro, and The Blob.

7. I will never accept the claim that if you put a monkey in a room with a typewriter for eternity, he'll eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare. I say he's lucky to finish two or three of the plays before he makes a mistake.

8. My most embarrassing moment ever, came just a few weeks ago, when I discovered that someone I've long considered to be my closest personal friend is actually a giant marionette.


The Later Years

Once it became clear to Evil Editor that writing was not the road to steady income, I tried my hand at other occupations. One year I toiled on an ant farm, cleaning mud out of the grooves in little tiny tractor tires. The following year I taught a course in Mime Appreciation at The Braille Institute. And later I threw myself into promoting worldwide use of the binary language, a new language I developed that uses only two words: bolo and bongo. Times were hard until I started my own business, manufacturing specialized ladders with holes in the rungs so that people with peglegs don't slip off. I made a small fortune, sold the business for another fortune, and finally had the opportunity to embark upon my life's mission: making the world a better place by providing its inhabitants with my opinions.

At first I thought I could do this as a critic, but critics have no effect on the quality of a product. Critics don't see a work until it's too late to change it. And until Siskel and Ebert came up with their thumbs up and down routine, no one ever knew whether a critic liked anything anyway, as their reviews consisted entirely of references to obscure European artists, many of whom existed only in the imaginations of the critics themselves:

Critic: "The film exists on a plane with the earlier works of Lombardi and Minoso."
Listener: (Stares blankly.)
Critic: "Zizima in the Dark Rain was the last film to move me this way."
Listener: (Stares blankly.)
Critic: "I give it three stars."
Listener: (Smiling and nodding): "Ah. Three stars."

One night the ghost of some writer, I think it was Theodore Dreiser, appeared to me in a dream and suggested I try editing. I asked why, and he said, "H.G. Wells once said, 'No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft.'" I asked what editors do. He said, "Pretty much nothing. Oscar Wilde once wrote, 'All morning I worked on the proof of one of my poems, and I took out a comma; in the afternoon I put it back.'" I asked him why Oscar Wilde and H.G. Wells weren't appearing to me in my dream. He said they were both drunk.

19 comments:

BuffySquirrel said...

The ants say...well, actually, you can't commit pheromones to a webpage.

Brenda Bradshaw said...

You scare me a little.

I'd still have your baby though. Ya know, 'cept that uterus part.

krw3b said...

How could possibly not make a steady income by writing?

You are superb.

Giant marionette? OMG.

Dwight The Troubled Teen said...

To paraphrase former Texas Gov. Ann Richards:

"Any old jackass can kick a barn down! It takes a craftsman with vision to build one UP!"

Read into that what you will.

S. W. Vaughn said...

EE, you definitely have the stuff of a writer. I'm kinda glad you're an editor -- this is stiff competition, and it's only a blog post. :-)

bunnygirl said...

Theodore Dreiser talks to you? Can you send him my way? I have a lot of questions for him.

Love your blog!

PJ Parrish said...

Maybe instead of stars, you could rate manuscripts using the Mendoza Line. (Rejection: "Your novel never rises above .200"). Not to be confused with the Minoso Line (Acceptance: "Your novel is .500. Three-book contract enclosed.)

Thanks for my morning fix.

Sophia said...

Bolo bolo! Bolo bongo bongo bolo, bolo bongo bongo. Bongo!

kis said...

Ah, only the visually impaired can truly appreciate the art of mime! And speaking as someone who works in a Chinese restaurant--at least until the literary world discovers my genius--the hatred you feel for those who request chopsticks is anything but irrational.

Now, seeing as how it's already past 9:00 am, I'm off to get drunk with the ghosts of Oscar Wilde and H.G. Wells. Ding ho!

SpecRom Joyce said...

Each night when I get home from work, I inhale a few breaths from a tank containing a mixture of helium and laughing gas, and then work out in the nude on the uneven parallel bars.

I know. You should close the drapes.

Pics on eBay.

Jessica said...

Hey, EE, have you heard about all this Barbara Bouer and the shutting down of Absolute Write stuff that Miss Snark's been ranting about? Are you going to get involved with Jim Hines plan at http://www.sfwa.org/beware/twentyworst.html

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, did you just say Zizima? Are you at all familiar with Runescape or was that a happy accident?

-A, who reveres Zezima

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on #3. I scared the $hit out of a kid the other day when he almost killed me. I practically stuck my head in his lowered window at 70 mph(I was on my motorcycle and, yes, he was that close) and yelled, "What the fu** are you doing!" The look on his face was almost worth almost dying for. -JTC

Anonymous said...

Evil Editor: One night the ghost of some writer, I think it was Theodore Dreiser...

Evil Minion: (stares blankly)

Anonymous said...

I have an irrational hatred of people who always request chopsticks in Chinese restaurants.

Right there with you on that one. Heck, if they've gone to the trouble of laying on a virtuoso piano player, you gotta believe he can play something better than that!

Writerious said...

::quickly hiding chopsticks behind back::

Um... what about when I'm eating Pad Thai? With my Thai or Korean or Chinese friends?

Rei said...

[quote]. Then I spend the rest of the night working on my long-term project, digging a secret passage under the house, connecting the lounge to the conservatory.[/quote]

I'd like to make an accusation. It was Evil Editor, in the Study, with the Pen that nearly gave my partner and I a heart attack.

lottery ticket said...

Aha! I knew the picture on your page looked familiar. Despite your claims to being the hybrid of Miss Snark and The Blob, you give the game away in item #2...
you're Colonel Mustard, aren't you?

Anonymous said...

Bolo bongo! Bolo bolo, bongo bolo.

Bongo.