Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Face-Lift 134

Guess the Plot

The Minotaur and the Ho

1. Sick of his stressful job guarding a labyrinth, the Minotaur applies for a position pulling a sleigh. Can the taurine recluse learn to be jolly and get the job before Theseus finds him?

2. Lost in the Labyrinth, Helen of Troy climbs to the height of passion with its inhabitant, who is, literally, hung like a bull.

3. When Santa lost his way, Rudolph saved the day. Now Santa has lost his voice. Can the Minotaur help him rejoice?

4. Ferdinand Turnbull, nerdish Minotaur, postpones his search for his father in order to pimp for all the hos in Bethlehem.

5. When a serial killer nicknamed "The Minotaur" slips up and allows a single syllable of laughter to be recorded on a victim's answering machine, will detective Dan Malone recognize the voice--and overcome his heroin addiction--in time to save the next victim?

6. A couples Scrabble contest gets tense when Lenore scores a triple-word bonus with "MINOTAUR" but her husband scores minimum points on the crucial final turn. Can their marriage survive?


Original Version

Dear Miss Snark,

I am seeking representation for a fantasy/farce set in the future.

It is the year 2036 and a rough beast slouches towards Bethlehem, PA. Ferdinand Turnbull is a Minotaur in search of his cloven roots. He's looking for his father, Abelard, who's rumored to be in with a herd of Herefords on an Amish farm.

At a bus stop in the gritty steel town he meets Maggie, a teenage ho with a heart of platinum. She and her best friend Lilith are also on a quest. They are trying to find the perfect pimp, a man who will respect them and treat them like the working professionals that they are, and balance the books at the same time. When they spot Turnbull's pocket protector and he shyly admits that his nickname in college was Ferd the Nerd, they know they have found their man-bull.

The three form a consortium. It is so successful that all the women of the night are eager to be represented by Turnbull. He holds a series of checkbook-balancing seminars. Brought together by a sense of community, the hos form a union and revolt against their former masters. The other pimps are furious at the invasion of their turf and the loss of their booty, and begin plotting to do Ferdinand in.

The socially inept Ferd is oblivious to all this. Although he's traded in his plastic pocket protector for one studded with diamonds, the mystery of his father continues to haunt him. He spends his days tooling around the countryside in his Explorer, stopping at every barn and bellowing out his name.

But the sweet taste of wealth turns to ashes in his mouth when Lilith is found gored to death. Turnbull's been framed. On trial for his life, it looks like he is headed for the Big Barbeque when Abelard appears. Armed with quiddities and quillets and a leather briefcase, Abelard gets his son off on a technicality. Freshly sprung from jail, Ferd decides to make Maggie an honest woman. His mother, a New York literary agent, flies in for the wedding and falls back in love with the bull. They all live happily ever after.

The book is done, approximately 86,000 words, and I can send you the first 3 chapters, or a synopsis. Or both. The title is either Come Again? or The Minotaur and the Ho – I can't decide which is more catchy. What do you think?

Breathlessly awaiting your reply!

Sincerely,


Notes

Please. I realize this is fiction, but even Evil Editor has his limits. Do you really expect anyone to believe a New York literary agent would fly to Bethlehem, PA, when she could hire a limo to get her there in 90 minutes? While flying would require getting to the airport at least 90 minutes before takeoff, and sitting amongst riffraff in the terminal and next to a fat guy with a cold on the plane? A plane which, considering its destination, would probably be making a few crop dusting passes along the way?

Up till then, it was fine.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's a really weak effort, EE. There's so, so, so much to make fun of in this ridiculous story, don't pull any punches.

Zombie Deathfish said...

I'm hard pressed to decide whether I think this idea is genius or madness.

scxqkmq: the sound of a minataur climaxing?

Anonymous said...

The unrealistic part isn't the man-cow. It is the pimp story.

Real pimps, the good ones, don't give their hos a single dime. They take all the money.

And if you do anything to the pimp, the hos will attack you.

Illegal prostitution is about emotional exploitation, not business sense.

Anonymous said...

"The other pimps are furious at the invasion of their turf and the loss of their booty . . . "

What a hoot. It doesn't matter if this is a prank, I would read the book if it weren't. -JTC

ello said...

EE is brilliant. He recognizes a joke when he sees one and isn't going to waste his valuable time critiquing it. But DAMN this is funny shit! THe only thing missing is Eddie Murphy from Saturday Night Live as Velvet Jones selling his book "I wanna be a Ho."

Anonymous said...

I think the minotaur should move to Colorado, go on a pasta diet and start a blog. Then he should marry a neurology resident at Mt. Sanai. Finally, he needs to learn to file union grievances in elevated diction.

Then, I'd definitely buy this book.

Precie said...

*snort*

I went to grad school in Bethlehem, PA. How very droll!

kis said...

Zombie deathfish, there's no reason why this idea can't be genius and madness. And JTC, if the book exists, yeah, I'd definitely read it.

JerseyGirl said...

EE's absolutely right about not flying to Bethlehem, PA; just take a limo from Manhattan, and (eventually) hop onto Rt. 78 West. 90 minutes? As long as there weren't any accidents or rubbernecking (yeah, it's a fact of life for me on 78 going to and from my day job).

And I'm not so sure about the "steel town" thing either. I've gone to Celtic Fest in the fall (September, I think), and there weren't any smokestacks a-belchin'.

But it was a funny read anyway. :-)

~Nancy

Hmm...uqbakd for verification...

Precie said...

One more thing...apparently I never spent enough time in the seedy sections of "the gritty steel town." I would swear Bethlehem doesn't have pimps...or prostitutes. There are enough in nearby Allentown. But I could be wrong.

Precie said...

Nancy--That's true too. It's pretty much a defunct steel town that's been working to repurpose the old steel mills for years. The discrepancies make this, ahem, query that much more amusing!

Queen Victoria said...

I was not amused.

Nick said...

My last doubt disappeared when it got to "which is the catchier title."

-Nick

December Quinn said...

It's like Night Shift with a bull instead of morgue attendants.


(BTW...Queen Victoria said "we are not amused.")

Zombie Deathfish said...

Kis - I think you're right. And I would read it either way. I'd pretty much have to.

Queen Victoria said...

(BTW...Queen Victoria said "we are not amused.")

Off with her head!

Anonymous said...

Whether the author really wrote this book or just the query, it was terrific. Finally, someone with a sense of humour that doesn't take himself/herself too seriously. Finally, a minion whose book I would want to read!!

Minion #1555 said...

Hahahaha!!! I love it!!! I love it!!!

If I ever see this in the book store, I will buy it!!