Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Face-Lift 142


Guess the Plot


Short Timer

1. The dynamite set, Eleanor Priddle ponders the meaning of life in her remaining two seconds.

2. It is Garrett McCarthy's lifelong dream to be an official timekeeper for the Olympic marathon, and he is determined not to let his dwarfism keep him from achieving it.

3. The story of Sid Charles, sentenced to three to five years for armed robbery, whose records get mixed with those of a death row prisoner.

4. Detective Grant has only a short time before retirement when the biggest case of his career falls into his lap--someone has murdered the Loch Ness monster.

5. Celebrity chef Drake Cutter accidentally uncovers a scheme to assassinate the first female U.S. President. Can he and his sexy sous-chef save the President, armed only with a creme brulee torch and an egg timer?

6. She's a six-foot-six center in the WNBA. He's the home team's five-foot tall clock manager with a giant crush. Will he fudge the timekeeping of the championship game to win her love?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Detective Sergeant George Grant just wanted to mark time for ten more days. He and the Missus had a nice little Guest House all picked out for their retirement. The last thing he wanted for his final case was the murder of the century. [Murder of the century? Who's the victim? A movie star? A senator? The Pope?]

An elephant-sized reptilian carcass with flippers and a long tail has washed up on the banks of the Loch at Inverness. And its head is missing. [The victim in the murder of the century is a fish?] [How do they know it didn't die of natural causes, wash ashore, and then someone cut off its head?]

Trapped in a media frenzy, DS Grant is as shocked as TV viewers the world over to discover that the creature is not a hoax. Every byline in the literate world shares the same lead: Where is the head of the Loch Ness Monster?

The mystery will lead DS Grant to Veterinarian Gwynneth McInnes. Her doctor, and the police, dismissed her semi-conscious ramblings about being abducted by an elderly local bridge club as a product of her recent concussion. But Dr. McInnes’ story is supported by one crucial bit of evidence: DNA at the bridge club’s hostess’ house matches the creature.

[Cop: Open up. Police .
Bridge club hostess: Yes, what is it officer?
Cop: We have a search warrant. We'll be collecting DNA samples, ma'am.
Bridge club hostess: Goodness. What are you looking for?
Cop: The severed head of the Loch Ness monster, ma'am.]

[Gwynneth: I was abducted by some bridge players.
Officer #1: We don't believe you. If only you had proof.
Officer #2 (bursting into room): Joe, DNA from the Loch Ness monster has just turned up.
Officer#1: Where?
Officer#2: In the home of a bridge player.
Officer #1: Hmm. This can't possibly be a coincidence.]

[It's obvious what's going on. The elderly bridge players caught the Loch Ness monster and were keeping it in the hostess's swimming pool. After the monster ate the pool boy and three neighbors, they decided people would get suspicious, so they abducted the veterinarian, drugged her, and forced her to sever the head of the monster. They then dumped the carcass in the Loch, and are keeping the head alive in a hot tub, in hopes of attaching it to the body of a more manageable animal, say a giant panda.]

[If Gwynneth's story was dismissed by the police, then why are they taking DNA samples from the bridge club's hostess's home?]

The angry American-émigré daughter of one of the elderly card sharps cannot account for her whereabouts on the night of the “murder.” [They know when the carcass washed ashore; do they actually know the day and time it was "murdered?"] [Killing the Loch Ness monster isn't murder, even if you put quotation marks around it.] If DS Grant can discover the motive for this bizarre act of mother-daughter rebellion, [What bizarre act of mother-daughter rebellion? All you've said is that the daughter couldn't account for her whereabouts at whatever time they think the monster's head was cut off.] he will solve the highest-rated TV news mystery of all time, locate the head of the monster, and unveil the face that has frustrated and fascinated conspiracy theorists and novelty-hunters for hundreds of years. [Actually, the monster's appearance has been known for some time: Loch Ness Live Cam.]

Short Timer is a completed 90,000 word speculative murder mystery, [Does a human being get murdered in the book? Because mystery fans may not care who killed a giant crocodile.] and my first novel. I am ready to work as hard as necessary to build a platform. [Are you starting a political party, or taking up high diving?] A partial or full is ready. Thank you for your attention.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Detective Sergeant George Grant just wanted to mark time for ten more days. He and the Missus had a nice little guest house all picked out for their retirement. The last thing he wanted for his final assignment was the case of the century. An elephant-sized reptilian carcass with flippers and a long tail has washed up on the banks of the Loch at Inverness. And its head is missing.

Trapped in a media frenzy, Grant is as shocked as TV viewers the world over to discover that the creature is not a hoax. Every news report on three continents leads with the same story: Where is the head of the Loch Ness Monster?

When evidence unexpectedly leads to a local bridge club, Grant fears he's reached a dead end. Can he solve the highest-rated TV news mystery of all time and locate the head of the monster? If so, he'll unveil a face that has eluded scientists, fascinated conspiracy theorists and beguiled curiosity seekers for hundreds of years.

Short Timer is a completed 90,000-word mystery. A partial or full is available upon request. Thank you for your attention.

Sincerely


Notes

Much of the plot seems improbable, but we'll trust the author to have logical explanations for everything in the book. Those plot points that cry out for explanations in the query are often best left out of the query if those explanations aren't included.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

This mystery is off-beat enough that I'd probably read it. (I agree that it does need an actual murder at some point, though.)

...being abducted by an elderly local bridge club as a product of her recent concussion. Next time I get a concussion, I'm staying away from the local bridge club.

EE, that Loch Ness live cam is the funniest thing I've seen all... well, all morning.

Anonymous said...

A mystery this wacky needs a better title than "Short Timer." Like "Who Killed the Loch Ness Monster?"

M Harold Page said...

Heck. I'd buy it. Need a new title though.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but I would have to file this one under "who cares?". A murder mystery without a murder? -JTC

Jenna Black said...

I like _Where is the Head of the Loch Ness Monster_ as a title. Yes, it's long, but it's attention grabbing. _Short Timer_ is way too bland for such a quirky story.

Unknown said...

It sounds like it might be interesting, but you might want to do a little more research on Nessie and related subjects. Then you might learn that:

conspiracy theorists=People who think the government killed JFK.

cryptozoologists=People who chase after Nessie, Bigfoot, and other cryptids (hidden animals).

Anonymous said...

It needs zombies. Think about it. The monster awakes, in the middle of the media frenzy. "The monster's alive! Run for your lives!" "Where's my head?"

Oh, and the elderly kidnapers... Was that inspired by EE's blog?

Okay, actually it sounds fun. I do agree on the change of topic though.

Anonymous said...

I'd pick it up for the off-beat factor, though agree with the posters who've suggested a new title.

My niggle is the 'DNA evidence,' insomuch as matching the two samples would most likely require specific knowledge of Loch Ness monster DNA. If they've just discovered the first sample (the carcass), then I highly doubt enough research has been done on the beastie's DNA that a conclusive match could be made with the second sample (blood from the bridge club hostess) in what sounds like a relatively short timeframe.

I'd suggest the author have them find a different sort of evidence at the bridge club hostess's house, rather than invoking the Holy (and surprisingly limited) Power of DNA Analysis.

none said...

Erm, with regard to the dead monster and its severed head...what crime are the police investigating, exactly?

Anonymous said...

I wonder why Gwyneth McInes got the assignment? Wasn't Abby Clum the next in the rotation of detectives?

Daisy Bateman said...

I agree on the DNA thing. In order to do that kind of analysis you need to start with some knowledge of the sequence, you can't just hold up two samples of DNA and say, "yep, these match".

Anonymous said...

An actual Zombie Deathfish? My niche has been usurped by a headless pleisosaur.

*sob*

Anonymous said...

How useful is the head of Nessie really going to be? It'll give you clues on how the creature sounded and what it ate, but you can get the latter from the stomach contents. I have a feeling that even half a carcass would be enough to, say, match it to an Ichthyosaur, and probably the number of vertebrae and size/orientation of fin bones would suffice to solve the mystery of what it is. The best reason to find the head is that soon it's going to start to stink.

Do you have cryptid- or dinosaur-related credits?

Stacia said...

Totally agree, it sounds off-beat and fun, but needs a title to reflect that. I vote for "Who Killed the Loch Ness Monster?" or "Where is the Head of the Loch Ness Monster?"

If I were an agent/editor, I'd probably be really tempted to reuqest more based on the title alone.

Unknown said...

Agree on the title change...but how about something short and off-beat?

Nessie's Head

The Cryptid's Head

Monster Mash

Nessie's Last Hand (bridge club reference)

The Strange Case of the Cryptid in the Night

And also, not to borrow too much from Mr. Evil, but how about playing with the words 'face lift'....cuz really, Nessie's face has been all too lifted, right?

Anyway...fun...quirky...I can see a national examiner type cover...Big flashy headline of a title...

Headless Monster Washes Ashore...

(can you add anything about a vampire cat? or an apparition of the virgin mary?)

Anonymous said...

And "veterinarian" is a US term. If Gwynneth is a British (or Welsh-Scottish, judging from her name) vet, then she'll be a vet or a veterinary surgeon (like me..)

McKoala said...

Also in the interests of authenticity I've never heard Loch Ness described as the Loch at Inverness, mainly because it isn't at Inverness. 'the missus' is a very English term, but maybe he is an English detective.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, all. "quirky," "fun," "off-beat," -- you got it.

Thank you for the specifications, as well. Like the chimps in Will Self's Great Apes, or the werewolf in American Werewolf in London or some of the phenomena in some of the stand-alone episodes of X-Files, Nessie is there as a trope. She is niether a fang-toothed killer, nor does the story care to examine theories of pelagic morphology (folderol!). It's really a story about what makes mysteries so necessary.

mckoala: yes, and kinda

A local place conversation might sound like,

"on the loch."
"Where?"
"At Drumnadrochit"
or
"At the inver."

The open Loch proper does not touch Inverness, no. That is where the Great Glen police office is, and it is at a point just souht-west of the Ness Castle Hotel on the River (Ness) where she actually turns up, indicating she had somehow moved against the current for several miles. But figuring out how to squish all that detail into the query is EE's second value--after entertainment, of course.

magz said...

"Bring Me The Head Of LochNessie Alfredo!'

(Sorta sounds like Gwinnie McGinnie just might be able to, I like this sorta quirk!)

Anonymous said...

*cackles*

Branching off on what Daphne said, I think "Nessy's Face Lift" would be a perfectly charming title--and fitting.

Sounds like a fun read (once all the kinks are worked out, of course).

Anonymous said...

This premise sounds intriguing, but if it's a comedic, wacky mystery, rather than merely unintentionally funny, shouldn't the query mention those qualities? Is the Loch Ness monster reference enough? Because we minions want guaranteed laughs.

Anonymous said...

I guess I'm the only one here who is tired of the mystery formula. I like the idea of a "murder" mystery about Nessie, without a dead human. Nessie is instantly recognizable, so its death has the same quality as a celebrity murder, doesn't it? And the bridge club thing sounds like wacky genius to me.