Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Minions Give Thanks


1. FOOD

I give thanks that Uncle Alan no longer does that trick with his false teeth at the dinner table after his second glass of wine. It wasn't funny the first time.

Football and mayonnaise. Without those two staples of life, all would be lost.

I'm thankful for Evil Editor, whose blog is a staple in my daily diet of procrastination. (((hugs!))) (Pours sap all over you.)

I'm thankful I don't have to measure the oven, then measure the turkey, then argue with my husband over whether the MegaBird he's bound to want will fit, and what's the likelihood of gout...until Christmas.

I am thankful for friends who share the gigantic and delicious spread of food on the table...because we divvy the leftovers and that leaves me room in the fridge!

I’m thankful for Butterball.com. No particular reason. There’s just something about the name.

I'm thankful I'm not a turkey - just a chicken.

I'm thankful that I have a bottle of twelve year old Chivas in the cupboard, and that my favorite beer is cheap.

I'm thankful I live in Scotland and no longer have to worry about cooking turkey for a bunch of greedy relatives. We save that fun for Christmas.

I give thanks that cranberries are not sentient beings from another dimension, that cunningly hide in our stomachs until a signal from the mothership commands them to messily devour us from the inside out.


2. THE BODY HUMAN

I'm thankful that I don't have arms growing out of my bottom. No matter how those pictures look.

I am thankful that I have a body; how else could I keep probing where it aches and why my midriff has gone out of shape and myriad other things? A man has got to pass the time, no?

I am thankful for that luxurious hairstyle I've grown. On my butt.

I’m thankful that, at my age, I still have teeth that don’t need a nightly extra-oral swim in the Polident pool.

I'm thankful nothing sags, especially the middles of my manuscripts. :o)

I'm thankful that my soap is not even semi-sentient, therefore allowing me to soap up in the shower without any niggling fears about inappropriate use of cleaning substances.

I'm thankful that at 60 everything still works: when my stomach is full of puke I throw up, most of what I eat turns to shit, and I can still fight gravity every day.

I'm thankful that women have breasts, men have hairy chests, and never the twain shall meet. Because a guy in a bra with a hairy chest just doesn't work for me.


WRITING

I am thankful that I found someone who wants my books. The garbage man.

Im thnakful four my good spleling and tyop-fre etyping.

I'm thankful that Hawkowl has never reviewed any of my openings. Actually, fear of Hawkowl is what keeps me from sending any openings.

I’m thankful that editors have had the good sense to reject everything I’ve done so far. I’d hate to have someone dredge up that over-written bilge when I’m hawking my Great American Novel on Oprah (wait for it – sometime next year, I figure).

I give thanks that I can wake up wondering if there's anything new on Evil Editor's blog; not whether we all made it through the night.

I'm thankful that Dave understands every reference I make to arts, music and New York, no matter how obscure, and like Bertie Wooster, has an aging female relative who also gets it.


MISC.

I am thankful for all the skills I've picked up at the Juvenile hall. Mainly, how to roll my self in a fetal position and cry.

I am thankful that I have an ex-husband...because the alternative would mean I'd have to clean up after him before the guests arrive on Thursday.

I'm thankful, that my kids haven't found out where babies come from yet. Or else, they'd brick me into the wall, to prevent more siblings from spewing out.

I'm thankful, that despite her threats, my mother did not pull my eye out, staple it to my bottom, and make it blink.

I'm thankful that I only spent $22,000 to earn my business degree, just in time for the mega-corporation that employed me to shut down. Hooray for higher education! Also, a dragon.

I'm thankful, that the roach infestation in my building has officially been reduced. I just stepped on one.

I'm thankful whenever I walk a mile in someone else's shoes, they don't wear clogs.

I'm thankful it's only about 6 months until the Eurovision song contest. In these troubled times the world needs more camp festivities with men in tight pants, a cappella groups wearing all-white outfits and Botoxed songstresses with surprisingly upright boobies.

I'm thankful pterodactyls no longer exist because, um, who wants to get a giant plop on the head? Nah, I'd probably be dead with the size of a pterodactyl's crap. Happy Thanksgiving, EE, and posters!

I am thankful that I live among folks like me, simple folks who look down on those who have bigger lawns and more carports. Ah, I love them as they shred the reputations of whoever's absent.

I'm thankful that cats have no hands, because otherwise I'm sure that my trio would be plotting to overthrow me, the government of the United States, and the world (not necessarily in that order).

I'm thankful for the a$$holes at work that make me want to bite their faces off and the non-multitasking, cell phone-using idiots that almost kill me daily on the ride home from work. They give me an excuse to enjoy that heavenly nectar called gin.

Regardless of what the ladies here think of Johnny Depp, I'm thankful that pirates of Caribbean are not real. Ditto on King Kong, Godzilla, and Pokemon.

I'm thankful for politicians. If the dinosaurs did return they'd eat the politicians first because they're so noisy and prominently visible.

I'm thankful for the mute button on my TV remote. Too bad there's no button to increase the intelligence of the comments and commentators.

Grateful? I'm ungrateful. Here's why. I'm an unpublished genius. Laugh all you want, but one day... Also, I get framed for stuff. A lot. The violence, the pee, the cross dressing... Oh, wait... I didn't mean to include... Huh? What do you mean I can't use the computer? This is a public library! What? No, no police. NO lady, DON'T PUSH THAT BUTTON!

I'm thankful for Evil Editor -- and of course his faithful minion, Miss Snark (I can hear the shriek from here).


HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL

25 comments:

writtenwyrdd said...

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

And now, back to the cooking and cleaning and ironing all the linen and washing all the servingware and running away, screaming, with my hair on fire...

Why do I always invite half vegetarians, half teetotalers and half crazy people? Wait, the crazy people is me, myself and...Dr. Seuss, whom I channel on special occasions...

Ann Onymous said...

Thanks a lot people.

There goes my thanksgiving dinner.

illiterate said...

Thanks for including my sorry comments. Love, kisses and all the sappy stuff.

Loophole: You didn't say 'No sap' in the comments.

But just in case,
word verification: y u (x-rated word)

HawkOwl said...

Hehehehehe. Thanks for the shout-out. :)

nut said...

I'm just happy to be included in this highly certifiable club, lead by a superbly certifiable person... Group hug?

kiss-me-at-the-gate said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you too, EE. And all the minions. I hope it's a great one.

*sends sap and warm fuzzies*

December Quinn said...

I'm thankful that my mother-in-law is here for the holiday to help me, because without her here I'd be wasting my time writing and surfing the internet, instead of going for long walks to buy gloves and watching E! Entertainment television round-up shows all day.

Chumplet said...

I'm thankful I'm not cooking a turkey! And I don't have guests! And I'm sitting with my laptop in my room, ignoring everybody, with cool music from Narnia wafting through my earphones.

I'm thankful I already went through Thanksgiving a month ago. HA!

Verification: tucybtj- Turkeybite?

I'm thankful for my children. And my husband. I guess.

eunuch said...

This is the only day in the year, that I get to chase turkeys, and not wise versa. So I guess I am thankful for that.

I just wish the peacocks would leave me alone.

Anon Imus said...

I'm thankful for the backspace key. Word to ya momma and them.

geniusofevil said...

I am thankful I wasn't the crazy woman on my block who got arrested tonight. (in front of her in-laws)

magz said...

I'm thankful that today, Day-After-TG, my pet turkeys have released me from hostage status, knowing that they're safe for one more year.
Anyone care to share some leftovers? All they fed me yesterday was chickenfood!
(I'm grateful to have the chance to know y'all and be part of the Minion fambly. Happy Weekend All!)

Anonymous said...

232 did a rewrite.
Minions to the rescue!

nut said...

My turkey ran off with some seaguls.

Then, a sqrl poped in. "Buffy! I'm so happy to see ya! Quick, help me catch the turkey..." The sqrl looked at me funny, and I realized it wasn't Buffy... The sqrl ran off with the side mashed potatoes.

Then, a ball landed in my soup. It wasn't Gutterball, cause it didn't get any of my jokes... Plus, it was rubber.

I ended up with pie in my face, but when I heard about a starving minion, I searched, and found...

Loads and loads of cold chicken legs. Baked, not fried.

So, if you're still hungry, just grab a virtual drumstick.

GutterBall said...

Then, a ball landed in my soup. It wasn't Gutterball, cause it didn't get any of my jokes... Plus, it was rubber.

O.o

I'm...flattered?

Kate Thornton said...

Happy Happy you all - I'm glad to see you and know you're all enjoying life this great Thanksgiving!

Keep on writing - and I realy am thankful for Dave!

word ver: vfw (LOL!!!)

Nut said...

Gutterball:

1) my jokes are flat(no pun intended, I swear!), so when anyone doesn't laugh at them, I don't blame them,

2) I only know you from on line, but I'm pretty sure you ain't rubber.

3) Did I mension, that I was deeply disappointed, that it wasn't you?

P.S. I forgot to report, seeing a white mouse with a crocodile briefcase, but by the time I was rubbing my eyes, the mouse disappeared. I suspect there was something evil in that case... like a requested manuscript, or a published book about faeries.

P.P.S. Everything else is really a blur. I know there was some folks draped in black, with "Evil Rocks!" banner, but that was just plain scary, and I didn't have much food left.

GutterBall said...

Did I mension, that I was deeply disappointed, that it wasn't you?

Aw, now there you went and saved yourself. Shame on you!

And no. Sadly, there are no synthetic materials in my biological make-up. I missed out on the rubber android deal by a month. Curse my date of birth!

nut said...

What was Uncle Alan's trick?

My uncle George ate the glass, after gulping down. For some reason everyone found it funny. I wonder how we never ran out of glasses.

nut said...

gutterball, you're killing me.

And what's wrong with soup baths? I love those.

nut said...

See ya next year? I'll make horse head shaped lemon cream pie...

Okay, sorry.

(Sheepish.)

eunuch said...

Someone's been spamming, and its not I!

For shame, nut!

GutterBall said...

Ha! Only if you allow me to dub it the Ass Hat Pie!

Nut said...

Be my guest!

nut said...

EE, how was your thanksgiving? Was it... er... evil? Could we hear about it PLEASE? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

I wanted to ask before, but...