Friday, December 15, 2006

Rod Carpenter . . .

. . . the unscrupulous lawyer who never loses a case. Here's his story.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Rod has led successful litigation to ban motorcycles from all state parks.

He has also prosecuted several Hell's Angels. -JTC

Bethany K. Warner said...

Rod, AKA, Rod the Bod, delivers all his opening and closing statements as operatic arias. He is also known to ask his of witnessess in opera recitatives.

Marissa Doyle said...

He has an astounding collection of silk ties (never polyester!)featuring tiny predatory animals that he chooses depending on his mood and how he plans to "perform" in the courtroom that day--sharks (subtle but deadly), tyrannosauri rex (all-out attack), wolves (for when he's working with other attorneys) and so on.

However, his secret vice is reading traditional Regency novels, which he keeps in a large wall safe. He owns everything Georgette Heyer ever wrote.

Bernita said...

The legal secretaries and court stenographers
call him Hot Rod.

Anonymous said...

His hairline is receding, and he must arrange his hair to hide this fact. Rod did not in fact attend Yale law school, not was he at the top of his class. In fact he never attended law school at all -- he (unscrupulously) faked his resume, and is so convincing in the courtroom that no one has checked. He wears boxer shorts with little red devils on them. He has wives in three different states, as well as two provinces of Canada.

Anonymous said...

Rod Carpenter has red hair and blue eyes. He feels good anyday he can leave the opposition in chains. If he can also leave his own clients in tears, he feels better.

When Kohrlach, god of the dark realm, is sued by the demure Alexandra Dimsbury for breech of promise, Rod's her man. He swears to protect and justify her innocence before the court.

Rod wins the case, giving Kohrlack a chance to leave the innocent in London to return to his dark realm.

Rod may or may not wish to win the heart of the demure Victorian Alexandra, but it doesn't really matter. It's not like they would marry for money. He and Alex can live together because she has supportive friends and he has always patronized the bordellos of Victorian London.

ozviaaz said...

Not only does he have everything Georgette Heyer ever wrote, he has a secret shrine to her, lit with candles.

He visits the shrine on a nightly basis and seeks inspiration for his next summation in front of her immense portrait.

Anonymous said...

Rod Carpenter is not his real name, but a sentimental holdover from when he worked his way through law school by starring in adult movies.

He can still go for ages before making his closing statement.

Wonderwood said...

I see Rod as a southern boy, crafty, clever, resourceful, ruthless. The lawyer in "My Cousin Vinny", but not as much of a caricature, he's the real deal. He'll take on Kohrloch, thinking he can outwit him, and he has an exceptional vocabulary.

xiqay said...

Rod is a sleazy lawyer. He delivers his papers at the last minute, sometimes by fax that is blurred in transmission. Sometimes he doesn't deliver legal papers at all, but has a process server who owes him swear under oath that the papers were delivered.

Rod is willing to cite cases in his legal briefs, but he'll twist them to mean whatever he needs them to say. He knows which judges are too lazy or busy to actually read the cases, so he gets away with this deception.

Rod also has many "friends" among his former clients. When he needs an "authentic" document, he calls on Sledge, the forger who can duplicate any era in paper. When he needs defective car parts or other broken machinery, his "expert" Dupont Reed certifies pre-existing cracks and ginks and other glitches that contributed to the damage for which Rod will recover huge sums. When money in his client trust accounts goes missing, or his clients discover that they were double-billed, Rod conveniently blames a secretary who just moved to another state (or country) or possibly died.

He's an original "teflon" man, where nothing sticks to him.

xiqay said...

I forgot to mention, Rod's got a boat, a very huge and plush yacht, that he takes judges out in for cruises. He always has a bevy of young lovelies (of either sex), or a stash of something illegal, or some other fix to entice the judge he's wooing. He's got insider information about each judge and is willing to use it.

When he can't get to a judge, he mingles with the court staff, the judge's clerk or anyone else who can swing things his way.

And rumor has it that Rod himself is willing to swing any way, for kicks and profit.

His favorite type of case is land speculation, but he'll dabble in products liability, other personal injury and tort recovery, and criminal defense. (His days in the state's attorney general office, where he sued to ban motorcycles from state parks and prosecuted Hell's Angels are in the past-but he's got connections from them that he still uses.)

writtenwyrdd said...

They call him Hot rod, but the sad fact is, he does a lot more chasing than catching.

rod doesn't worship Korlach, he worships money. The fact that representing Korlach's many and varied interests is better than the proverbial money tree is even better.

When Rod is faced with represeing Korlach and Miss D on a case however, the whole time travel part of it makes for hilarity all around. Because 18th century misses and sleazy 70s lawyers? That's a comedy--yeah, baby!

magz said...

(iPod) Rod is a devoted trend chaser, always a year or two behind the cutting edge. He's memorized every iota of Hef's Playboy Philosophy, and the bachelor pad he inheirted from Uncle Slick when Slick Willy Carpenter was convicted of attempting to bribe the Supreme Court remains an homage to the tackiest of 50's passion pit bach pads. He's a serial dater as few women wish to see him twice.
He's an extreme type-A personality with many annoying tics; the sort of overamped soul who's never yet heard the 3rd ding of a microwave oven.
His successes before the bench are due in part to his rentless use of the most trivial and insignificant details of each case, combined with his somewhat nasal and extremely strident fast talking voice which gives many judges a migraine type headache within a short period of time.