Friday, March 16, 2007

Dialogue G

Three women walk into a bar. No, really. Anyway, it's in play format:

Holly has dragged Vanessa and Jessie (female name) into a bar. Two attractive men, Caleb and John, have approached to hit on them. The rampant teasing between the women is in good humor, not so much towards the men.

Caleb: You girls don't have any drinks yet. What can we get you?

Vanessa: Depends on whether you are [you're] going to stay or not while we drink them.

Caleb: Of course, we are. This is the table with the prettiest girls in the room.

Vanessa: In that case, I'd like something very small. (Holly kicks Vanessa under table)

Holly: I'll have a margarita, frozen, or one of those berry ones - something like that.

Vanessa: Tell Jimmy I want a single malt scotch, and Holly'll like the raspberita. Do not get her a double hurricane and pretend it's what we ordered.

John: And you?

Jessie: Oh, don't worry about me. I'm gay. (Holly kicks Jessie this time) Ow! Ok, fine, I'm not gay and very intrigued at the opportunity before me. Please hit on me.

Holly: It's just a drink, Jessie.

Jessie: Well, then, water.

Caleb: Anything more?

Jessie: Lemon slice?

Caleb: That's all?

Jessie: Two lemon slices? You're a hard man to please.

John: I'll be right back with drinks.

Holly: Thank you, John! It was John, right?

Caleb: (to Jessie) Are you designated driver tonight?

Vanessa: No, she's designated prude.

Jessie: At least I'm not designated skank.

Holly: No, that's me tonight. I am so putting out.

Vanessa: Holly!

Jessie: You're not supposed to say that when the guy's already here.

Holly: It's OK; he doesn't think I'm serious.

Vanessa: You're not serious.

Holly: I could be.

Caleb: I don't know if you are [you're] serious or not, [but] Can we change the subject before I get blamed for it [in trouble]?

Jessie: Oh, blame. See, [I'll bet] he'd do you in a heartbeat, Holly.

Holly: Would you?

Caleb: (whistles) No way I'm touching that one.

Jessie: You wouldn't?

Holly: I knew he wouldn't.

Caleb: Not answering, not answering.

Holly: Why not? (John returns with the water)

Caleb: Because there's no good answer. I'm not that dumb. If I-

Jessie: Thank you, John.

Caleb: -if I say yes, then I'm a jerk who only wants one thing. If I go with [say] no, I'm saying you're [calling you] unattra[c]tive. Lose-lose for me.

Vanessa: Well, (pause)that was the point of the conversation.

--Pacatrue

Funny. Keep it progressing. In real life, conversations bog down. Leave those parts out. Your characters will seem much wittier. Based on Holly dragging the others there, I wouldn't have expected her to be the indecisive one when ordering a drink, while Vanessa takes charge. But then, I don't know them like you do.

4 comments:

whitemouse said...

I agree; this zips along nicely (especially with EE's suggested deletions). It's very funny and the almost-nasty verbal sparring gives the scene a nice tension.

Bernita said...

Frankly, it's a hoot!

writtenwyrdd said...

Paca's being funny again! I liked this. It's good before EE's edits, but the cuts tightened it up tremendously.

McKoala said...

Read well to me.