Friday, March 16, 2007

Dialogue G

Three women walk into a bar. No, really. Anyway, it's in play format:

Holly has dragged Vanessa and Jessie (female name) into a bar. Two attractive men, Caleb and John, have approached to hit on them. The rampant teasing between the women is in good humor, not so much towards the men.

Caleb: You girls don't have any drinks yet. What can we get you?

Vanessa: Depends on whether you are [you're] going to stay or not while we drink them.

Caleb: Of course, we are. This is the table with the prettiest girls in the room.

Vanessa: In that case, I'd like something very small. (Holly kicks Vanessa under table)

Holly: I'll have a margarita, frozen, or one of those berry ones - something like that.

Vanessa: Tell Jimmy I want a single malt scotch, and Holly'll like the raspberita. Do not get her a double hurricane and pretend it's what we ordered.

John: And you?

Jessie: Oh, don't worry about me. I'm gay. (Holly kicks Jessie this time) Ow! Ok, fine, I'm not gay and very intrigued at the opportunity before me. Please hit on me.

Holly: It's just a drink, Jessie.

Jessie: Well, then, water.

Caleb: Anything more?

Jessie: Lemon slice?

Caleb: That's all?

Jessie: Two lemon slices? You're a hard man to please.

John: I'll be right back with drinks.

Holly: Thank you, John! It was John, right?

Caleb: (to Jessie) Are you designated driver tonight?

Vanessa: No, she's designated prude.

Jessie: At least I'm not designated skank.

Holly: No, that's me tonight. I am so putting out.

Vanessa: Holly!

Jessie: You're not supposed to say that when the guy's already here.

Holly: It's OK; he doesn't think I'm serious.

Vanessa: You're not serious.

Holly: I could be.

Caleb: I don't know if you are [you're] serious or not, [but] Can we change the subject before I get blamed for it [in trouble]?

Jessie: Oh, blame. See, [I'll bet] he'd do you in a heartbeat, Holly.

Holly: Would you?

Caleb: (whistles) No way I'm touching that one.

Jessie: You wouldn't?

Holly: I knew he wouldn't.

Caleb: Not answering, not answering.

Holly: Why not? (John returns with the water)

Caleb: Because there's no good answer. I'm not that dumb. If I-

Jessie: Thank you, John.

Caleb: -if I say yes, then I'm a jerk who only wants one thing. If I go with [say] no, I'm saying you're [calling you] unattra[c]tive. Lose-lose for me.

Vanessa: Well, (pause)that was the point of the conversation.


Funny. Keep it progressing. In real life, conversations bog down. Leave those parts out. Your characters will seem much wittier. Based on Holly dragging the others there, I wouldn't have expected her to be the indecisive one when ordering a drink, while Vanessa takes charge. But then, I don't know them like you do.


whitemouse said...

I agree; this zips along nicely (especially with EE's suggested deletions). It's very funny and the almost-nasty verbal sparring gives the scene a nice tension.

Bernita said...

Frankly, it's a hoot!

writtenwyrdd said...

Paca's being funny again! I liked this. It's good before EE's edits, but the cuts tightened it up tremendously.

McKoala said...

Read well to me.