Sunday, March 18, 2007

Dialogue KK

Our heroine is preparing to check out of the hospital, but not before meeting the hockey player whose life she had inadvertently saved. It's a 'thank you' lunch date.

Heather sat beside her and gently placed an arm around her. "Sweetie, I know the last four years have been hell, but are you sure that trying to bag a hockey player is the right solution?" [After four years of hell, even I might consider bagging a hockey player.]

Christina sighed. "Heather, don't you know me? I haven't been trolling for husbands since Reggie died, and I'm not about to start now. It's just lunch. I owe him at least that much." [If she saved his life, I'd say it's he who owes her at least lunch."]

"But why now? [Why not wait another four years?] You haven't been remotely interested in dating anyone, much less a hormone-stuffed hockey player. [It's just lunch. Weren't you listening?] Why this guy?" [Why him? Because he's the guy whose life she saved. Also, he's stuffed with hormones. Heather can be so dense.]

With a wan smile, Christina said, "I think it was the way he looked at Mishayla. He looked at her with respect, and she's only six years old. [You better hope that was respect.] It was as if he saw her future."

Her sister laid a reassuring hand on her cheek. "Whatever you do, just be careful." [You know how untrustworthy hockey players are.] She stood. "Speaking of [the] future, if Mr. Wonderful doesn't show up soon, I'm driving you home now." [If he doesn't show up soon, I'm driving you home now? Is this character supposed to be hilarious?] She headed for the door.

Too much "As you know, Christina."

Heather seems over the top. Agreeing to have lunch with a hockey player whose life you saved is hardly the same as trying to bag him. And Heather's too protective, considering Christina's had four years to recover. And she doesn't pay attention to Christina's side of the conversation. Not sure if the problem is with the character or her dialogue.

6 comments:

Brenda Bradshaw said...

Bigtime info dump going on.

EE - I cracked up at your comments. Priceless! I almost lost it on "You better hope that was respect." HA!

Noted you didn't do any cutting though.

writtenwyrdd said...

yes, this conversation is an info dump. It is also two conversations, seeing as each person is talking to themselves. Christina is NOT listening, Heather is ignoring that christina is not listening.

If you are trying to point this behavior of christine's up, you might have Heather say something pertinent, such as "you haven't heard a word I've said, have you?" or similar.

Also, the logic seems skewed. Why would someone feel obliged to have lunch with the person they did the service for? It sounds like she is in denial about wanting a true date when she says, "I think it was teh way he looked at Mishayla." Sounds like she's looking for father material to me!

Anonymous said...

To create real-sounding dialogue, try imagining TV characters saying it. I hate "Sex & the City," but you've got a very SATC-feeling to this dialogue. Now, imagine Carrie and Samantha, or Miranda and Carrie, saying this.

Omit everything that's repetitive, even though people do speak like that. You've got Heather calling him a hockey player twice in two statements. Even if people echo themselves, or you're trying to show her disdain, it doesn't work.

This doesn't sound like two women talking, let alone two women who know each other intimately.

Anonymous said...

Bad Ice! Sorry, I just love saying the old title. :)

I don't know--this seems like you're trying to insert tension into something that maybe doesn't deserve it. You could probably fix a lot by making sure C focuses on her first point, i.e. It's Just Lunch.

I wasn't fond of the conversation, but I thought your words were pretty good--like, individually the lines sounded realistic, even if the conversation didn't really hold. If that makes sense.

Good luck!

-Detri (dialogue J)

whitemouse said...

You've got a nice flow, but I have the same problems with the content that everyone else did. Sorry!

Keep working on it. I quite like the bits of the story I've read over on Elektra's Crapometer.

Word Veri: zipods

Self-locomoting iPods?

Chumplet said...

Thanks, you wonderful people! I've been cooking this book so long, I think it's getting a bit overdone. I'll take everyones comments into account.