Friday, March 16, 2007

Dialogue N

The MC is in counselling, some time after the death of his girlfriend.

“And then what happened?” He peered at me over the top of his glasses.

“Do they teach you that look at medical school?”

“What look?”

“I was just imagining, it must be like the first day in the army. You queue up, then shuffle down the line and pick up your white coat, stethoscope, tongue depressors and half-moon, wire-framed spectacles.”

“It’s a little more involved than that.” He glanced back at his notes. “So, you were in the army?”

“No,” I said. “I was just imagining. I saw Private Benjamin, though. That’s how they did it in Private Benjamin. Boots, uniform, kit bag…”

“I don’t think I saw that movie."

“You should, it’s very good. Goldie Hawn.”

Hemming leaned back in his chair. “Did you see One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?” He paused to be sure I got his point. I paused to confirm I did. “So, what happened after the funeral?”

“The usual. Food, alcohol, a fist-fight, alcohol…”

A fist-fight?”

The usual. Me and her younger brother got into it about how if I hadn’t started dating her, and I hadn’t taken her to the movies that night, and I hadn’t tried to play the hero, she probably wouldn’t be dead now.”

“And you said?”

“And I said, did [Do] you think I hadn’t [haven't] thought of that? [Then] I said if you hadn’t filled yourself up with your father’s whisky, and you hadn’t come over here trying to blame me for what happened, you probably wouldn’t have a broken nose.”


“And he said he hadn’t got a broken nose.”


“And I said I hadn’t finished yet.”


Funny and compelling. Very nice.


pacatrue said...

Yeah, really well done, ril.

ril said...

Wonderful. Thanks, EE. This exercise is very helpful and educational.

And thanks for reading, Pacatrue.

writtenwyrdd said...

I liked this. But you might consider making that last line something like,

He shrugged. "So I punched him."

Wonderwood said...

Nice job ril, I liked it. It rings true.

Brenda Bradshaw said...

ril, you do so well with continuations, it's nice to see your real writing. I like it.

whitemouse said...

Although it's not helpful to simply join the chorus, I assume you'll not mind me doing so this time. I really liked this also! Excellent work!

McKoala said...

Yup, nice, only one suggestion really - maybe that you suggest that he picks up the look along with the spectacles? Maybe that's cheesy. But that's how I expected the list to end.

ril said...

Thanks to all for your comments. I appreciate it.


Anonymous said...

Nicely written!

I think I'd be happier with the scene if the shrink was something OTHER than standard-issue type, and if he didn't make a joke that amounts to "Quit screwing around or I'll put you in the loony bin." The Cuckoo's Nest reference really rubbed me wrong, I don't know why. Personal opinion, though!

--Detri (dialogue J)