Friday, March 16, 2007

Dialogue A



From the dreaded trunk novel: Vampire servant and master discussing domestic problems.

Teasdale opened the door, a flagon and a glass in his hands. [Did he open it with his third hand?] His shoes clicked across the marble floor with the faintest of echoes. "Here you go. Breakfast."

Jack sniffed the tall juice glass after his Sourcer poured. "Pureed liver?"

Al's lips quirked. "Doctor's orders. Tae says you need as much iron as possible right now." Jack eyed the clock: 3 p.m. He'd been up since just after noon. "Why wait so long to feed me, then, Al?"

A dry chuckle. "I thought if you were hungry enough, you'd actually drink this. Truthfully," he added, "it's not bad tasting. The texture takes a bit of getting used to, though." [You might consider: "I figured if I waited till you were starving, you might actually drink it." A dry chuckle. "Truthfully, the taste isn't bad; it's the texture that takes getting used to."]

Jack shrugged, then looked suspicious. "did [Did] she spike it with anything?"

Al shook his head. "She'd tell you herself if she were to medicate you. Don't tell me that this business with Ms. McPherson has you doubting yourself?" [Why would he say that? It doesn't sound at all like Jack's doubting himself. Sounds like he's doubting the woman he suspects spiked his liver goo.]

"I misjudged Marissa's response. She didn't go for Ellie's throat in retaliation like I thought she would. So, what is she really angling for?"

"Personally, I think Ace had it pegged. Marissa wants you. Or, failing that, your name for her child. For the rest, I think that you could lay your worries before your Sire. He is over five hundred…" [We don't know the Marissa/Ellie/Ace background, so ignore this if it's off-target, but: Jack asks what Marissa's angling for. Al says she wants him or his name. Q & A. What's this "For the rest?" The rest of what? If Jack's going to answer another question as well, maybe you should have Al ask it, even if it's something as general as, "What am I gonna do now, Al?"]

Jack made a noise. Teasdale shrugged. "Fine. Just a suggestion."

"We aren't going to run back to mommy and daddy to fix things for us."

--Writtenwyrdd

All in all, I thought this was well-written dialogue, trunk novel or not.

13 comments:

Brenda Bradshaw said...

I love how you rephrased the fourth paragraph.

This is GREAT. I like seeing how you edit it. Thanks for doing this.

WW: I like the tone of this story, and I grinned at the pureed liver! Disgusting and perfect at the same time.

writtenwyrdd said...

This is so cool! Thanks, EE! It's so educational to see how you edit. I hope we do this again.

McKoala said...

Very interesting to see EE input. I thought this read OK, but the sharpened up version was even better.

Bernita said...

Pureed liver?
Ack! Ack!
Nothing else could emphasize their strangeness quite so well. Nice choice.

whitemouse said...

Shouldn't "mommy" and "daddy" be capitalised? They're being used as proper nouns.

Nifty idea; I'd like it to move a bit faster however.

phoenix said...

Don't know if this says more about you or me, author, but when I read "His shoes clicked across the marble floor with the faintest of echoes," I thought, I wonder if this is Writtenwyrdd's work. Scrolled down, and sure enough... Nicely done!

writtenwyrdd said...

phoenix, I'm either flattered or concerned... (You aren't that guy who's been leaving boquets on the doorstep and giving me all those, um, breathy phone calls, are you?)

I don't know about capitalizing mommy and daddy, whitemouse. In my mind, Jack was being generic, so I didn't capitalize. Bet you're right that I'd be gigged on that during an edit. But EE didn't mark that, so I don't know.

Evil Editor said...

I wouldn't capitalize. Presumably he's referring to the vampire who made him, not to his actual mother or father.

writtenwyrdd said...

In this case, it actually IS his real father, who also made him a vampire.

Evil Editor said...

Still, you meant it generically.

Margaret said...

What I don't understand is, why doesn't he drink a glass of blood? He's a vampire, right? Blood contains a lot of iron.

writtenwyrdd said...

In my world, vampirism is not like Dracula. They eat, too. And they are mostly born that way, but there is a thing they do to finish the process and gain more power.

Jack doesn't have to drink blood yet, and prefers to avoid it most of the time because of his political beliefs (humans aren't food.) He thus needs liver because he needs food.

Does that help?

phoenix said...

Not that I don't send out lovely bouquets every so often or breathe when I talk on the phone, but you'll have to look elsewhere for your bouquet-leaving, extra-breathy phone caller, Writtenwyrdd. Besides, I'm female (although that certainly is no defense in and of itself!).

In all, I've probably read fewer than 1000 words of yours, and I'm not one to generally recognize a specific author's style, so that I recognize yours must mean you have a distinctive style, at least to my mind. And that's a good thing!