Friday, March 16, 2007
From the dreaded trunk novel: Vampire servant and master discussing domestic problems.
Teasdale opened the door, a flagon and a glass in his hands. [Did he open it with his third hand?] His shoes clicked across the marble floor with the faintest of echoes. "Here you go. Breakfast."
Jack sniffed the tall juice glass after his Sourcer poured. "Pureed liver?"
Al's lips quirked. "Doctor's orders. Tae says you need as much iron as possible right now." Jack eyed the clock: 3 p.m. He'd been up since just after noon. "Why wait so long to feed me, then, Al?"
A dry chuckle. "I thought if you were hungry enough, you'd actually drink this. Truthfully," he added, "it's not bad tasting. The texture takes a bit of getting used to, though." [You might consider: "I figured if I waited till you were starving, you might actually drink it." A dry chuckle. "Truthfully, the taste isn't bad; it's the texture that takes getting used to."]
Jack shrugged, then looked suspicious. "did [Did] she spike it with anything?"
Al shook his head. "She'd tell you herself if she were to medicate you. Don't tell me that this business with Ms. McPherson has you doubting yourself?" [Why would he say that? It doesn't sound at all like Jack's doubting himself. Sounds like he's doubting the woman he suspects spiked his liver goo.]
"I misjudged Marissa's response. She didn't go for Ellie's throat in retaliation like I thought she would. So, what is she really angling for?"
"Personally, I think Ace had it pegged. Marissa wants you. Or, failing that, your name for her child. For the rest, I think that you could lay your worries before your Sire. He is over five hundred…" [We don't know the Marissa/Ellie/Ace background, so ignore this if it's off-target, but: Jack asks what Marissa's angling for. Al says she wants him or his name. Q & A. What's this "For the rest?" The rest of what? If Jack's going to answer another question as well, maybe you should have Al ask it, even if it's something as general as, "What am I gonna do now, Al?"]
Jack made a noise. Teasdale shrugged. "Fine. Just a suggestion."
"We aren't going to run back to mommy and daddy to fix things for us."
All in all, I thought this was well-written dialogue, trunk novel or not.
Posted by Evil Editor at 7:45 PM