Saturday, July 21, 2007

Bad Analogies, Part 3

She was thrilled but it was short lived, like a bride who catches the groom with the maid-of-honor in a bathroom stall at the reception. --stick and move

The streaks of mayonaise around her shriveled lips resembled maggots, eager to assist the process of decay. --ME

Even though it was months since she left, her memory lingered, tantalizing at the edge of his perception, familiar yet vaguely discomforting, like when you sniff your fingers and you can't quite remember where you put them last. --ril

Going on a vacation he couldn't afford was a pleasure and pain thing, like a roofer up there roofing away on your house and getting a good long hard-on kinda look at the naked sunbather chicks sunbathing around the pool in the next yard and falling off the roof and breaking his leg in your yard ‘cause you didn’t have a pool to fall into. Like that. --Robin S.

His mendacity was so bad; it was like sticking your dick out a car window on a hot, humid day and calling it a blowjob. --Dave

Being 30 pounds overweight and dripping chocolate ice-cream on your yellow blouse then running into a hottie someone you haven't seen in 20 years and pretending you don't remember him and you also pretend to not speak English because it's the only way to save face and later get another chocolate ice-cream because by then it's just what you have to do is like my life. --takoda

The gravy on the hospital's entree of Salisbury Steak looked exactly like the meconium in her baby's diaper. --ME

She was rattled, like the time she was eating luncheon at her best friend's house and found a hair in her cucumber sandwich, and it looked too curly to have come from her friend's head. --EE

With scarlet red lips painted over the lip line, she reminded him of that strange liver dish he ate in the Chinese restaurant – the dish served with strawberries and red peppers on top of a bed of brown-green seaweed. --Dave

She was shocked and befuddled, like when you try to get money out of an ATM machine and it tells you there are insufficient funds in your account, which can't be true because you deposited a check just the other day. --freddie

Professer Mullen was ecstatic: it was as if he'd been sexually propositioned by Jenni Partick who always sat at the front in his Renaissance Art lectures, only this time he didn't need to break into the Dean's office and hack into the ORBIS system to alter anybody's transcript. --ril

11 comments:

not a grammarian said...

familiar yet vaguely discomforting, like when you sniff your fingers and you can't quite remember where you put them last. --ril

discomfiting

sorry, but you know how it is

Anonymous said...

dis·com·fort (dĭs-kŭm'fərt) Pronunciation Key
n.
Mental or bodily distress.
Something that disturbs one's comfort; an annoyance.

tr.v. dis·com·fort·ed, dis·com·fort·ing, dis·com·forts
To make uncomfortable; distress.

ril said...

No, I really meant discomforting. Thanks.

Robin S. said...

These first three posts reminded me of the time someone called EE on the word-usage carpet for using
"related". He was corrected, told he needed to use the word "relayed".

Yeah. I just love this correcting crap.

The fingers thing. Good stuff, ril.

Rod the roofer said...

...like a roofer up there roofing away on your house and getting a good long hard-on kinda look at the naked sunbather chicks sunbathing...

Damnit! I've been a roofer for twenty-five years; I served my time, mastered my craft and built a business to be proud of. Yet every time I talk to someone it's "yeah? Bet you get an eyeful of those naked sunbather chicks!"

This is a cliche, it's highly offensive, and it's an attitude we in the profession are just thoroughly sick of. And yeah, I got the "hard on" quip as well. Ha freakin' ha.

You people just don't know what we go through, risking our lives up there, clinging to the sky. Well I hope your flashing degrades and your soffits rot. I'm outta here.

Cute picture by the way -- if you ever need your gutters clearing...

Scoot said...

Chocolate ice cream and meconium--dis-kum-farting!

Robin S. said...

Rod, huh? There's a picture for me.
Rod.

Well, ummm, Rod, you made me laugh out loud, which would've been really good but I'm at work right now so my voice echoed on out of my office and down the hall because not many people are in here yet and the cleaning lady came in to check on me to see if I was OK and, and...

Here's the thing. You can either bite me, or clear my gutters.

Do any work in Virgina?

(Oh, and Rodney, I just love your website, baby.)

rod the roofer said...

Ah, slight misunderstanding there, ma'am. I was actually talking to the gentleman of the house, the young man with the glasses. But if you do have a guttering problem, I could have my boy pop round to take a look, maybe week next Thursday.

-Rodford

Robin S. said...

Ah, Rod boy, you DO have a case of slight misunderstanding, don't ya. I really meant it when I said you had only two choices, to bite me or to clear my gutters.

We're having roof work done right now. I thought having those gutters shaken out at the same time might be a nice thing.

There is no nice young man with glasses in my house, honey. I'm not much moved by nice young men. They bore me. You must be thinking of that little wimp, Homer Hornby, next door. You know, the little wimp with the pool.

There's a very athletic older man in my house. That's how I like 'em - older, athletic, and very.

I see you've changed websites. You're just something else, aren't you?

rod the roofer said...

No, no, no. I'm not being clear, am I ma'am. I'm talking about the gentleman of this house. The cute young chap with the spectacles and sideburns. I'm truly sorry to have taken up your time, ma'am.

Virginia, eh? My wife was a Virginian before we were married. Well, that's what she said, but I always got more of a West Coast impression, y'see. Anyway, that was before...

Well. Good day to you ma'am; may your shingles stay firm and your gables dry.

-Rod

Robin S. said...

I can't believe I was just, as my daughter would say, poned. Smooooth, easy set-up, smooooth and patient delivery. I'm impressed. Having poned many a person myself well before that quasi-word ever came into being, I recognize a master at work. My hat, if I ever wore one, would be off to you.

And if by some miracle of the gods you look like this:
http://abenchpress.blogspot.com/
- it was worth it.

I have my own idea about your sterling self, however, old-timer. And this picture ain't 'it'.

Night, night.