Saturday, December 22, 2007

Writing Exercise Results

We all know what happened when the little "Who" discovered the Grinch taking all the presents; she bought his lies and went back to bed. Write a scene in which one of the following characters discovers the Grinch stealing Christmas: Columbo; Rambo; Chief Wiggum, Chris Hansen.

…And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to push when he heard a strange sound like air leaving a tush. He turned around fast, and his foul mood went sour. Chief Wiggum stood staring, fresh out of the shower. The Grinch had been caught by this naked wet copper who'd been making his armpits make noises improper.

"Er," said the Chief. And the Grinch knew he'd blown it. Don't burgle a cop. Rule one, and he'd known it. Fooling Whos and Who Daughters was easy as pie, but cops here in Springfield might detect a bald lie. His only option was truth, so he gave it a try.

"Look," said the Grinch. "Please let me explain. I've got a good reason. I may be insane. Those Whos drove me crazy with their mirth and their fun. After ninety-six days I was back to square one. All that singing! Hand-holding! All those random high-fives! And that tasteless roast beast made me break out in hives! Oh, I tried! How I tried to be part of their lives."

Chief Wiggum stared blankly, blinking once now and then. Cop silence was deafening so the Grinch spoke again.

"I'm sorry to say, but it has to be said. I nearly emptied a Who-gun into my adopted Who head. So I left. I skipped town. I high-tailed it to here. I wound up in Moe's bar and Moe gave me a beer. And that's when, Chief Wiggum, that's when I knew. I could live here in Springfield, among all of you. Because you guys are yellow and I am quite green. So we must be related, share some skin tinting gene."

The blinky Chief Wiggum blinked blankly some more as the Grinch inched clandestinely toward the front door. "Whaddya say?" said the Grinch, slowly turning the knob. "Let bygones be bygones? I didn't technically rob."

"Hold it right there!" the naked Chief wailed. "You don't fool me with your tearjerker tale. Sure, I make arm farts. I walk around with no clothes. But I smell a big rat with my rat-smelling nose. Red hat and red coat? White beard and big sack? You must think I'm retarded, think I don't know jack. It's clear from your outfit you didn't run here on legs. So spill it, Easter Bunny. Where'd you hide all the eggs?"



Rambo Finds the Grinch


The End



Cindy-Lou Rambo

And the Grinch shoved the Christmas Tree right up the to the sky when who should appear but little Cindy Lou Rambo, not so little and wearing a fake wig and a pair of blond pigtails.

"Yo, fur-face," he said, "Where ya goin' wit dat tree?"

Taken aback, the Grinch prepared a bare frontal lie. "There's a burnt out bulb on this tip of this tree, Santa sent me to retrieve and repair."

"Oh HO HO HO," Cindy Lou Rambo laughed, a deep laugh unseemly for a maid, her night coat threadbare and reseamed too often. "It's got dose new-fangled LED light. Deys don't burn out. Ya wanna try another lie before I zap your ass with the Christmas TASER?"

"Santa does keep a naughty list, little Swiss miss," the Grinch smiled a wickedly, awfully, mendaciously convincing smile.

"Yo, I ain't your little Swiss miss. I'm da bouncer at Festoon Bar in da Hilton Dew Drop Inn. Don't let my nightie fool you. My parents here in Whoville wanted a girl. So every year, I dresses up to make 'em happy. It's my Christmas present to 'em, da memories last all the New Year."

"I'm positively vaporous with delight. The Dew Drop Inn, you say. I know it well, corner of Paulowna and Herron? It has pink flamingoes outside? Now Santa merely wishes to fulfill the wishes of young and old alike. He sent me here to fix an imperfection so nothing, big or small, can spoil the confection you so assiduously propose." The Grinch made a flourish with both hands and bowed.

"Put da tree and da gifts back old man or I'll deck my hall wit your boughs of holly."

--Dave F.


I was telling Mrs. Colombo about you and she thought that you just needed a big ole hug. I . . . I . . . just can't do that. Sorry. I'll just let you go now. Don't tell the chief, okay?

--Bill Highsmith


The Grinch patted little Cindy Lou Who on the head. "Now, my dear, tell me, which way is your bed? Time to go sleepy-bye, small sleepy-head."

Suddenly all the lights in the room went on, and a tall, fair-haired man walked in from the kitchen. Startled, the Grinch leaped to his feet. Only then did he notice that there was a camera crew in the corner of the room, behind where the tree had stood, busily filming.

The tall man strode forward. "Do you think it's normal for an adult Grinch to sneak down a chimney at four o'clock in the morning to have an assignation with a two-year-old child?"

The Grinch thought fast. "It is hard to determine the age of a Who. I thought she was grown up--now you tell me she's two? I swear to you, stranger, I meant her no harm--just to tuck her in bed, where she'd be safe and warm."

Cindy Lou, suddenly sounding much older (and somehow taller) remarked, "You knew all right, Grinch-boy, despite what you speak. You've been sending me e-mail for over a week. When I asked for a photo, you thought me a gubbins, and sent me a pic of Bartholomew Cubbins!"

The Grinch stared at her in horror. "Just who are you people, and what do you mean? Never mind, just forget it, I'm blowing this scene!"

"Let me introduce you to Detective Cindy Lou Who of the Whoville Police Special Victims Unit, a mistress of disguise. And I'm Chris Hansen of Dateline: NBC, and this is is To Catch a Predator.

"Book him, Cindy."

With holiday wishes for joy and not distress
From Tal, who is putting the Chris back in Christmas!



Church Lady said...

McKoala got McLazy with this particular exercise!

McKoala said...

I deny lazy. I claim clever. Anyway, aren't you supposed to be on holiday?

Dave F. said...

There's two takes on Rambo - the silent John Rambo and the talkative John Rambo.

Mine's the talktative one. McKoala's is the silent one.

I really like Chris Hansen one.

talpianna said...

Thanks, Dave. I was sort of inspired when he was on with Leno and they showed a clip from an SNL skit in which Chris ambushed Santa Claus.

ME said...

My year would not have been complete without that I had read about little "Miss Cindy Lou Rambo"! Thanks Dave!