Thursday, December 27, 2007

Writing Exercise Results

An ice storm has had your electricity off for four days. You can't cook, watch television or use your blender. Worst of all, you can't get online. Write a scene describing the lengths you go to to find out what's happening on Evil Editor's blog.

1.
"Sears Corporation, can I have your name please?"

"150."

"I beg your pardon?"

"150."

"Okay, Miss Fifty, may I ask who you're calling?"

"I'm not sure. Could you just page the whole company and tell them that 150 is on the phone?"

"I...can't do that unless you specify a location."

"Okay, just do one at a time. Where do you think I should start?"

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to transfer you to--"

"Wait! I'm just looking for minions."

"We don't--"

"Sears is the ninth largest employer in America, right?"

"Would you like me to put you through to employee services?"

"Yes--no! I only have fifteen minutes left on my cell phone. Could you please just get on the PA system and tell everyone that 150 needs to know about Evil Editor? It's been four days."

"Ma'am, I'm hanging up now."

"Wait! Tell them weredingoes! Weredingoes!"

...

"You've reached the corporate office of JC Penny's, how can I help you?"

"Hi, this is 150. You're the tenth largest employer in America, right?"

--150


2
Journal [ed. note: like a blog on paper]:

Tuesday, Dec. 26. I've sawed off my foot and used a wrench to grind it up in my blender for lunch. What's next? Oh yeah, what's happening on EE's blog? Hmmm . . . smoke signals. I must first teach the receiver of my signals a language since there is no standard smoke signal language. I'll start by sending something universal. The structure of a hydrogen atom . . . or maybe pi . . .

Friday, August 15. Someone finally understood my message and called me on my cell phone . . . Cell phone? Dammit!

--Bill Highsmith


3.
Mother phoned tonight. She said: "Remember that package of frozen Calamari I said I had in my refrigerator?"

I said: "Yes Mother." Being the dutiful son that I am.

She said: "Well, it's really a package of Sauerkraut for New Years Day. Would you go buy the Calamari for Christmas Eve?"

Now I'm allergic to fish. Deathly allergic. Bleed to death allergic. But I HAVE to stuff the calamari on Christmas Eve, sew them little bodies shut and cook it into a red sauce ...

... Tis the Season ...

--Dave F.

12 comments:

Dave F. said...

Best present of 2007. Thanks, EE, Thanks.

~Nancy said...

That first one killed me, just killed me. :-)

The others were also quite good and funny.

What a fun way to be ending 2007.

McKoala said...

150 and Bill; both very, very funny. Dave, call me an idiot, but I didn't understand yours!

Evil Editor said...

I wasn't sure that was an exercise or not, but this was the only exercise Dave hadn't tried. Maybe it was just a comment.

talpianna said...

I think Dave is on another planet. But you KNEW that...

Dave F. said...

EE got it right. I did make a comment about a real phone call. It does kinda fit. Think of it this way, if you could get web access by eating Fugu, would you? That was the exercise.
From Wikipedia:
Fugu (河豚 : ふぐ?) or pufferfish and is a Japanese dish prepared from the meat of pufferfish or porcupine fish. Because pufferfish is lethally poisonous if prepared incorrectly,

All fish is poisonous to me. I'm not swell up and turn red allergic. I'm bleed to death internally allergic.
But, my Mother did call in a semi-panic. Supermarkets sell out of the stuff.
I stuffed squid with bread stuffing, sewed their little tubular bodies shut, and made them into tomato sauce. Then had someone help me to the sink to wash the juice from my hands so I wouldn't get an allergic reaction. I also fry flowered smelts and whitefish fillets and never put my hands near my mouth or face.

I buy myself a nice steak and eat it. We make two different pasta: one with the calamari sauce and a second with a plain tomato sauce.

Now why would anyone do that? To post on the internet - possibly.
(psst... because the entire family wants it and shows up and that pleases my Mother. It's Christmas Eve and traditional for some Italian families.)

Dave F. said...

Now as to the entries by 150 and Bill, Both are very good and quite funny. These were my morning laugh.

lizr said...

Very funny! The first one really cracked me up, and I'm glad Dave explained his because I was also confused :D.

talpianna said...

Pssst! Dave!

Latex gloves....

Word Verification: djpubist

The rapper name used by Pubert the Disco Clam:

http://www.elizabethlowell. com/boardpics/jhg_dancinggeoduck.gif

(Close up the space.)

Sarah said...

Loved these. Loved all the exercise results. You guys are the greatest. Hope you all have a happy and safe new year's!

Dave F. said...

pssst Tal - latex allergy!

bummer!

Church Lady said...

150--HAHAHA! Brilliant! You slay me!

LOL! Good one, Highsmith!

Dave, holy cow! You're Italian?

:-)