An ice storm has had your electricity off for four days. You can't cook, watch television or use your blender. Worst of all, you can't get online. Write a scene describing the lengths you go to to find out what's happening on Evil Editor's blog.
"Sears Corporation, can I have your name please?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Okay, Miss Fifty, may I ask who you're calling?"
"I'm not sure. Could you just page the whole company and tell them that 150 is on the phone?"
"I...can't do that unless you specify a location."
"Okay, just do one at a time. Where do you think I should start?"
"Ma'am, I'm going to have to transfer you to--"
"Wait! I'm just looking for minions."
"Sears is the ninth largest employer in America, right?"
"Would you like me to put you through to employee services?"
"Yes--no! I only have fifteen minutes left on my cell phone. Could you please just get on the PA system and tell everyone that 150 needs to know about Evil Editor? It's been four days."
"Ma'am, I'm hanging up now."
"Wait! Tell them weredingoes! Weredingoes!"
"You've reached the corporate office of JC Penny's, how can I help you?"
"Hi, this is 150. You're the tenth largest employer in America, right?"
Journal [ed. note: like a blog on paper]:
Tuesday, Dec. 26. I've sawed off my foot and used a wrench to grind it up in my blender for lunch. What's next? Oh yeah, what's happening on EE's blog? Hmmm . . . smoke signals. I must first teach the receiver of my signals a language since there is no standard smoke signal language. I'll start by sending something universal. The structure of a hydrogen atom . . . or maybe pi . . .
Friday, August 15. Someone finally understood my message and called me on my cell phone . . . Cell phone? Dammit!
Mother phoned tonight. She said: "Remember that package of frozen Calamari I said I had in my refrigerator?"
I said: "Yes Mother." Being the dutiful son that I am.
She said: "Well, it's really a package of Sauerkraut for New Years Day. Would you go buy the Calamari for Christmas Eve?"
Now I'm allergic to fish. Deathly allergic. Bleed to death allergic. But I HAVE to stuff the calamari on Christmas Eve, sew them little bodies shut and cook it into a red sauce ...
... Tis the Season ...