Sunday, January 27, 2008

Fake Query 17 (The Last One)

Twinkie Thompson thought his fortunes had changed the night old Mrs. Billiard traded a Holstein for his magic beans. He was so happy he ran to the Smith's and got engaged to Maryanne. But in the morning he discovered that beast in the barn was no banal bovine, but . . . a zombie cow. (One Wrong Move)


Dear EE,

I am seeking representation for Stalk: Tales of a Gremlin Milk Cow, my 86,000 word adaptation of the classic fairy tale, Jack and the Beanstalk, with a little bit of Gremlins and 24 thrown in for good measure.

When Twinkie (Jack) Thompson manages to trick old Mrs. Billiard into trading her prize-winning Holstein (Voodoo Baby) for a handful of dried beans he thinks he may soon be able to stop sleeping in the barn and build himself a real house. Jack barely listens to Mrs. Billiard when she says, “Never milk her after midnight, don’t ever let her get wet and always be sure to add the juice of three blood oranges to her mash each day.”

On the way home, a sudden summer rainstorm drenchs both Jack and the cow. Back home, Jack realizes that Baby is sorely in need of milking. Jack tugs and squeezes on the swollen teats. And even though he’s heard the tales, he’s surprised to count a dozen pails full of creamy golden milk. Unaware of the time, Jack climbs into the loft for some well-deserved sleep.

Before dawn, an eerie red glow permeates the barn and awakens Jack. His barn is filled with hundreds of strangely lathargic cows with glowing red eyes. He grabs a pitchfork and visciously stabs the nearest animal. Blood gushes and pools in the matted straw. Before he can attack again, an enormous bull with blood-red eyes emerges from the carcass of the dead cow. Desperate, Jack reaches deep into the pocket of his overalls and finds one last dried up seed. In his haste, he drops it into the coagulating pool of blood where it takes root, shooting skyward. Jack grabs ahold of a rubbery frond and heaves a momentary sigh of relief. But Jack’s troubles are just beginning. The next 24 hours of Jack’s life playout like a demented version of Disneyland meets the Island of Dr. Moreau. Jack battles demon crows and vampire geese, all the while pursued by a viscious pack of meerkats. Finally, Jack realizes that reality is just a state of mind. With a little luck and the seeds from his wet dream, he is able to return home and kill that old bitch Mrs. Billiard.

If you have any interest whatsoever in reading more of my novel, please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Meri

8 comments:

Sam said...

Old Mac Donald goes to the dark side, lol!
Love the zany plot - espeically the vampire geese.
:-)

Sarah said...

Dark humor indeed. I think this would be a great one from the new and improved Brother Grimmer.

Dave F. said...

I like it. Jack Bauer water-boards the wicked witch of the fugitive emissions.

Robin S. said...

Oh, Meri. You go, girl.

pjd said...

It seems to me that "a vicious pack of meerkats" is going to become the next in our long line of recurring characters. Or maybe vampire geese. But I like the vicious pack of meerkats.

By the way, Firefox' spell checker doesn't like "meerkats" and prefers marketeer. A vicious pack of marketeers is far scarier but a lot less fun to read about, I'm reckoning.

This one is amusingly twisted, for sure.

Xiexie said...

I love when old fairy tales become dark and humorous. This makes Jack and the Beanstalk much more fun.

Church Lady said...

I was thinking the same thing as Sam--Old MacDonald goes evil...

who cares what my fake name is said...

This has more than a hint of the Roald Dahl black surrealism about it. I like it a lot. it's fantastically visual.



(I love zombie cows)