Tommy started and spun sideways.
“Jumpy.” Garth sneered. “So you found us.”
Tommy saw things moving above him. He looked up. [Maybe he should sense movement rather than see things moving, since he wasn't looking up.] Bats fell from the ceiling, popping to human form as they landed around him. He squinted at the ceiling. More bats hung from wooden bars in the rafters. Garth crossed his arms.
“Yeah.” Tommy straightened up. He was three inches shorter than Garth. “No thanks to you.” Tommy gulped. He hadn’t meant to say that last part out loud. Too late to back down, he puffed out his chest.
Tommy was sliding across the floor before he realized Garth had punched him in the face. He touched his upper lip. Blood trickled down from his nose.
The rest of the bats fell and popped to join the crowd around him.
Garth leaned closer, the smile disappearing from his face. “That’s human blood!”
The closest boys jerked away from Tommy. [Why?]
Garth grabbed the front of Tommy’s shirt and hauled him to his feet. “Who have you been feeding on?” He shook Tommy hard.
“No one.” Tommy grabbed Garth’s arms. If he could lean into the motion, he might be able to fight it.
“Liar!” Garth threw Tommy back to the ground. “Humans will find out we’re real. The Dean will expel you for that.”
“No, he won’t.” Tommy struggled to his feet. “It’s mine.”
The background murmuring stopped. All eyes were on Tommy.
Garth turned his head to the side and looked at Tommy. “What?” he asked.
“The blood. It’s mine.” [Except for this line, every time anyone says anything he's sneering or straightening up or leaning in or punching or struggling or throwing or grabbing or hauling or gulping or shaking. People often speak without doing anything worthy of note. Leave out the less important actions and the conversation will move along faster and be easier to follow.]
--Sarah L.
“Jumpy.” Garth sneered. “So you found us.”
Tommy saw things moving above him. He looked up. [Maybe he should sense movement rather than see things moving, since he wasn't looking up.] Bats fell from the ceiling, popping to human form as they landed around him. He squinted at the ceiling. More bats hung from wooden bars in the rafters. Garth crossed his arms.
“Yeah.” Tommy straightened up. He was three inches shorter than Garth. “No thanks to you.” Tommy gulped. He hadn’t meant to say that last part out loud. Too late to back down, he puffed out his chest.
Tommy was sliding across the floor before he realized Garth had punched him in the face. He touched his upper lip. Blood trickled down from his nose.
The rest of the bats fell and popped to join the crowd around him.
Garth leaned closer, the smile disappearing from his face. “That’s human blood!”
The closest boys jerked away from Tommy. [Why?]
Garth grabbed the front of Tommy’s shirt and hauled him to his feet. “Who have you been feeding on?” He shook Tommy hard.
“No one.” Tommy grabbed Garth’s arms. If he could lean into the motion, he might be able to fight it.
“Liar!” Garth threw Tommy back to the ground. “Humans will find out we’re real. The Dean will expel you for that.”
“No, he won’t.” Tommy struggled to his feet. “It’s mine.”
The background murmuring stopped. All eyes were on Tommy.
Garth turned his head to the side and looked at Tommy. “What?” he asked.
“The blood. It’s mine.” [Except for this line, every time anyone says anything he's sneering or straightening up or leaning in or punching or struggling or throwing or grabbing or hauling or gulping or shaking. People often speak without doing anything worthy of note. Leave out the less important actions and the conversation will move along faster and be easier to follow.]
--Sarah L.
8 comments:
How about starting out with:
"Sensing movement, Tommy spun sideways and saw nothing. A disembodied voice laughed.
"Jumpy," Garth said. "You found our meeting place." Tommy looked up to see bats swooping down from the ceiling and transforming into his classmates.
Why does Garth punch Tommy? “No thanks to you.” doesn't seem like it deserves a punch. But then, maybe the rest of the story explains that.
Awww...but I love Stellaluna.
Hisarah- I finally had some space here at home to sit dowm, think, and read more tonight. I was looking forward to reading yours, as soon as I saw the bat/vampire thingie, because I thought it would be about your half-vampire boy, and it is. Cool.
I like the idea that his blood smells human to the others - they can smell his human half.
While I agree a few tweaks would be good (EE pointed out the looking bit in the second para.)
this reads really well.
As usual with your writing, I like so many of your narrative sentences - they move the action forward in a very tangible way - ex:
"Bats fell from the ceiling, popping to human form as they landed around him." and
"The rest of the bats fell and popped to join the crowd around him. These are so good because they're just right, just enough, to paint a picture.
Wow, thanks Robin. What wonderful words to give another writer.
And thank you, EE for the great suggestions. No wit, no puns, but great suggestions.
CL - this is the zit boy you don't like, though the zit part is only in the beginning.
And yes, Dave, they've had several encounters already. This is the first time it gets physical.
Oh, I remember zit boy!
My biggest comment would be that, assuming this is the first time he's seen this, as the bats pop to human form Tommy doesn't seem to notice how it happens, who they are, or what they look like. If he knows them then I would think he would recognise them, if not then I think he would be vaguely interested in the process, who pops up and how. This isn't something you see every day, yet he seems to just accept it!
Did Garth just pop to human too? Even more detail on how that happened would help.
I really liked the bats popping into human form (much better than zits popping...), and the drama of the moment at the end when Tommy admits the human blood is his own.
I didn't really understand Garth's first comment (Jumpy) but I assume that would make sense in context.
Tommy pops, too, so that's not new to him. There's a very long description of the process that happens a few chapters before this scene.
It's his first day at V-Tech the vampire school. He doesn't know any of the kids - except he's had a few run-ins with Garth already.
I had to cut the lines leading in to this scene. I think Jumpy works in context, but I'll take another look at it.
Thanks everyone!
Yes/ Agree with Robin and the others.
Bats popping into human form is a wonderful image.
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