Friday, January 04, 2008

Fight Scene 5


When he opened the door, I was sitting up in the bed with my back against the wall and I wouldn’t have cared if he killed me right then. But when he strolled towards me I realized he was holding a bundle against his chest and my heart lifted. She was still alive! He handed the bundle to me and I frantically tore at the blanket wrapped around it. It was doll, a male baby doll with a penis and everything. [If you're expecting a child and you find a doll, do you really remark on whether it has a penis?]

I threw the doll to the side, hurled myself at his chest, and began hammering on it. With every blow, I repeated, “You sick fuck, you sick fuck, you sick fuck!” He gripped the upper part of my arms, lifted me up, and held me away from him.

Like a demented alley cat I tried to claw at his hands. “Where is she?” Spit flew from my mouth. “Tell me right now, you bastard. What did you do with her?”

He actually looked hurt as he started to whine. “But I brought you a—”

“You brought me a doll? A doll? You think that’s going to replace my daughter? You idiot!” [He is an idiot. If you're trying to trick a woman into thinking a doll is her daughter, at least have enough sense to use a doll without a penis.] Hysterical giggles bubbled through my lips and turned to laughter.

He let go of my arms, my feet hit the floor with a thud, and I staggered forward. Before I was able to regain my balance his arm cocked back and his fist slammed into my jaw. [Obviously he was annoyed that she didn't at least feign appreciation for his efforts.] As the floor rushed towards me, the room turned black.

--Anonymous

9 comments:

Church Lady said...

Is this Chucky's backstory?

The clipart for this one is lame.

Dave F. said...

Holy shades of Bobby Ewing...

I'm not sure that I like the POV being the person going to be knocked out.

I think once she sees it's a doll, she beats him with it. That's when the blanket falls off and she sees that it's anatomically male.

It might be nastier if he glued a fluorescent green dildo on the doll. That's a really sick sense of humor. Even nastier if it was battery powered and vibrating. Like Rob Zombie and that kinda stuff.

I want to know more about her going into the giggles. I want it to be more serious than giggles - like hysteria.

He's taken her child and then he mocks her with a doll. "I brought you something to hold dear." he said all sweetness and light. "But this is nothing but a doll!" she says as she opens the swaddling clothes. "It will assuage your broken heart and calm your motherly instincts."
"Assuage my ass, you bastard." She beats him over the head with the doll and notices it's a boy. "Ant this foul thing has a penis, you idiot. What woman would mistake a doll for a baby. Where's my daughter." whap, whap, whap! "What have you done with my daughter." whap, whap, whap!

You'll never see your daughter again! Bitch." Now that's when she starts to laugh and goes ballistic, hysterically attacking him. Make him evil and stupid. he could punch her, but it might be better if he throws her on a filthy floor and leaves her crying, sobbing, half mad, half despairing.

Bernita said...

Other than small things, like "tried to claw" rather than just "claw"( which to me is more active) - I thinks it's a very interesting set-up.

Robin S. said...

Oh, come on, now, CL. I like the clipart. Reminds me of a broken dolly at the bottom of a chest found up in an attic in a haunted house...

Anyway, I agree with Bernita that the premise is good, author, but I really think stepping away for a bit, and then editing, would be good. It could be much more effective if tightened up:

"When he opened the door, I was sitting up in the bed with my back against the wall and I wouldn’t have cared if he killed me right then" could be (in my opinion) better served as:

When he opened the door, I was sitting up in bed with my back against the wall. I wouldn’t have cared if he killed me right then.

And, "He handed the bundle to me and I frantically tore at the blanket wrapped around it. It was doll, a male baby doll with a penis and everything" would, I think, be better this way:

"He handed the bundle to me. I tore at the blanket wrapped around it. It was a doll, a male baby doll, with a penis. It wasn't my baby girl." or something like that.

See? it needs an edit to make it stronger and sharper, but it's good, I think, underneath there. You just need to carve it out, I think.

Evil Editor said...

Finding a photo of a doll that's male is hard enough. Finding one that looks like it's been thrown against a wall, instead of smiling for the camera, is impossible. So I hire a photographer at my own expense to get the perfect shot, and I have to listen to an art critic's complaint?

Ali said...

This really intrigued me, I wanted to know the rest of the story. He actually looked hurt as he started to whine. “But I brought you a—” adds so much depth to this bad-guy character in just a few words. And the fact that this guy managed to get his hands on an anatomically correct male doll (those are hard to find!) to replace the woman's daughter is hilarious. (In fact, how about calling it "an anatomically-correct male doll" in P1, then add the penis to her diatribe: “You brought me a doll? A doll? You think that’s going to replace my daughter? It has a penis, you idiot!" Which makes the hysterical giggles follow more naturally, because the reader will be giggling along with her.

Also, I really like the demented alley cat reference. I want to tweak it, though, so we're not looking at the p.o.v. character from the outside. Inside her head, the emphasis would be on her ineffectiveness and helplessness, not her clawing strategy. "I clawed at his hands, as ineffective as a demented alley cat held by an animal catcher." (Not exactly that, but you get the idea).

By the time he lets go of her arms, I'd forgotten how he was holding her. Maybe it's because Saturday cartoons are on at my house...or maybe a reference to her feet swinging around as she tries to fight him is in order.

Anyway, nice work, Author. Have we seen a query for this one?

Sarah said...

What I’m seeing here is telling when you could be showing. Then the whole scene becomes more active.

My suggestions:


I sat in bed with my back against the wall. He opened the door. I didn’t care if he killed me. But he strolled towards me holding a bundle against his chest. My heart lifted. She was alive! He handed me the bundle. I frantically tore at the blanket wrapped around it. It was doll, a male baby doll with a penis and everything.

“You sick fuck!” I threw the doll to the side. “You sick fuck!” I hurled myself at his chest and hammered on it. “You sick fuck!”

Gripping my arms, he lifted me off the ground and held me away from him.

Like a demented alley cat, I clawed at his hands. “Where is she?” Spit flew from my mouth. “Tell me right now, you bastard. What did you do with her?”

He looked hurt. “But I brought you a—,” he whined.

“You brought me a doll? A doll? You think that’s going to replace my daughter? You idiot!” Hysterical giggles bubbled through my lips.

He let go of my arms. My feet hit the floor with a thud. I staggered forward. His arm cocked back. His fist slammed into my jaw. As the floor rushed towards me, the room turned black.

Church Lady said...

Hahaha!

Quote: So I hire a photographer at my own expense to get the perfect shot,

So.....is this what you do in between writing and blogging--beat up on your dolly collection?


Actually, I'm loving all the clipart. :-)

McKoala said...

Definitely an eerie scenario.

I liked this one, although 'the penis and everything' really leapt out at me - there aren't that many dolls that are anatomically corredct and the 'and everything' seemed out of place compared to the tone of the rest.

Robin managed to use potentially dodgy material in a perfectly innocuous way. Wow. Dave, on the other hand...