Author's Note: The fighters are Reynard de Tromper vs. Duke Gabriel, a werewolf, just to clarify who I'm talking about at certain points below. This is a duel to the death performed before their king.
Gabriel dropped heavily to the ground, rasping in great gulps of air, he struggled to remain conscious and held a hand to his bleeding gut. [As I said in your previous piece, you'll make a better first impression if your scene begins with a sentence.] Stepping up to him, Reynard drew back his knee and kicked Gabriel in the abdomen so hard he howled aloud his pain and rolled away. Gabriel rolled onto his back, blinded by pain and choking on blood.
“Up, dog! Up, cur! Come on, you flea-bitten bastard! I’ve not had my fill of fun out of you yet!” jeering Reynard strode forward and seized a handful of Gabriel’s sweat-dampened hair. De Tromper pulled the other man [Man? I thought he was a werewolf. Then again, I'd expect a werewolf to put up more of a fight.] painfully to his feet before shoving him away again. Gabriel staggered and hissed in pain. [So far Gabe has howled his pain, been blinded by pain, been pulled painfully to his feet and hissed his pain. I think he's faking.]
Reynard turned to the king, “Care to name a new champion now, milord? I’ll let the whelp live if you do,” he suggested brightly.
The king would not look up. Reynard was busy sneering at him as Gabriel plummeted headlong into his side and began to lay into Reynard freely with his knee and the hilt of his sword. [I think I see Gabriel's problem; he doesn't know which end of the sword to lay into his enemies with.] Winded and annoyed at having his moment of triumph interrupted, Reynard shoved Gabriel off and turned again to face him.
Gabriel righted himself with an effort and then, blearily trying to focus, he swung with a mighty heave, aiming a killing blow at Reynard’s left shoulder. At the last moment Reynard’s free hand shot out and, faster than anyone could follow, he had seized Gabriel by the wrist and, twisting it ruthlessly, brought the other man crashing to the ground. [Could you define "killing blow." Also, is the shoulder the best place to aim a killing blow? Also, could things have gone any worse for Gabriel if he hadn't been a werewolf?]
--Moth
Gabriel dropped heavily to the ground, rasping in great gulps of air, he struggled to remain conscious and held a hand to his bleeding gut. [As I said in your previous piece, you'll make a better first impression if your scene begins with a sentence.] Stepping up to him, Reynard drew back his knee and kicked Gabriel in the abdomen so hard he howled aloud his pain and rolled away. Gabriel rolled onto his back, blinded by pain and choking on blood.
“Up, dog! Up, cur! Come on, you flea-bitten bastard! I’ve not had my fill of fun out of you yet!” jeering Reynard strode forward and seized a handful of Gabriel’s sweat-dampened hair. De Tromper pulled the other man [Man? I thought he was a werewolf. Then again, I'd expect a werewolf to put up more of a fight.] painfully to his feet before shoving him away again. Gabriel staggered and hissed in pain. [So far Gabe has howled his pain, been blinded by pain, been pulled painfully to his feet and hissed his pain. I think he's faking.]
Reynard turned to the king, “Care to name a new champion now, milord? I’ll let the whelp live if you do,” he suggested brightly.
The king would not look up. Reynard was busy sneering at him as Gabriel plummeted headlong into his side and began to lay into Reynard freely with his knee and the hilt of his sword. [I think I see Gabriel's problem; he doesn't know which end of the sword to lay into his enemies with.] Winded and annoyed at having his moment of triumph interrupted, Reynard shoved Gabriel off and turned again to face him.
Gabriel righted himself with an effort and then, blearily trying to focus, he swung with a mighty heave, aiming a killing blow at Reynard’s left shoulder. At the last moment Reynard’s free hand shot out and, faster than anyone could follow, he had seized Gabriel by the wrist and, twisting it ruthlessly, brought the other man crashing to the ground. [Could you define "killing blow." Also, is the shoulder the best place to aim a killing blow? Also, could things have gone any worse for Gabriel if he hadn't been a werewolf?]
--Moth
11 comments:
I have to agree with EE -- Gabriel needs to work on his strategy. I mean, when you manage to catch someone off guard, you don't hit them with the hilt of your sword, you use the blade and at least hack open their leg so they fall down. And unless you're fighting Achilles' half-brother, a man whose weakness is his shoulder, that ain't the best place to aim a killing blow.
Make Gabriel more of a werewolf.
"Gabriel dropped to his haunches. Each breath sending waves of through pain from the knife wound in his gut through his furry body. his tongue lolled over his elongated mouth"
Rather than hissing in pain make him try to bite with his fangs.
I'm of the opinion that a character shouldn't monologue in a death match. What happens is just what you've described. His opponent gets his strength back and attempts to kill. That seems to me to be completely unreasonable.
Unless you set up the rules of the fight that the King gets to decide the final, fatal blow, then the winner of the match shouldn't monologue. With no expectation of mercy on either side, which of the two men/werewolf would wait for his death while the other brags about beating him?
Not me.
I'd never stop fighting if I were them. If I'm going to die, then I'll make the other bastard work for it. You gimme a chance, I'm going to kill you. That's what DEATH match means. Dead, dead, dead, dead...
But that's my opinion.
This needs tightening: kicked Gabriel in the abdomen so hard he howled aloud his pain and rolled away. Gabriel rolled onto his back, blinded by pain and choking on blood. You only need one reference apiece to rolling and pain.
I agree with Dave F. that Gabriel needs to be more werewolfish. Howling and hissing work to this effect, but his fighting strategy is human. Why is he trying to knee the guy when he has fangs and teeth?
But Reynard's speech to the king did make sense to me. He's a pompous, self-obsessed fool. Also, Gabriel is, I believe, the king's pet, so it might not be in Reynard's best interest to slay him.
You don’t have to show every piece of the action – like stepping up, drawing back his knee and then kicking him. I’m assuming Gabriel is in human form here with some wolf-like attributes. Does seem a bit stupid of Gabriel to not try to lop off Reynard’s head when he’s not looking.
My suggestions:
Gabriel dropped heavily to the ground; a hand held to his bleeding gut. Rasping in great gulps of air, he struggled to remain conscious. Reynard kicked Gabriel in the abdomen. Gabriel rolled away, howling in pain. He lay on his back, blinded by pain and choking on blood.
“Up, cur! Come, you flea-bitten bastard! I’ve not had my fill of fun yet!” Reynard strode forward and seized Gabriel’s sweat-dampened hair. He pulled Gabriel painfully to his feet before shoving him away again.
Gabriel staggered and hissed in pain.
Reynard turned to the king, “Care to name a new champion, milord? I’ll let this whelp live if you do.”
The king did not look up. Reynard sneered at him. Gabriel plummeted headlong into Reynard’s side. He laid into Reynard freely with his knee and the hilt of his sword. Annoyed at having his moment of triumph interrupted, Reynard shoved Gabriel off.
Gabriel righted himself with an effort. Blearily trying to focus, he swung his sword at Reynard’s neck. At the last moment, Reynard’s free hand shot. He seized Gabriel by the wrist and twisted it ruthlessly. Gabriel crashed to the ground.
Wow, Sarah - do you edit for a living? Good ideas there!
Hi Author, The only thing I'd change from what Sarah did is to take out the word abdomen. For some reason, this bothered me when I read it in your scene - it just seems too clinical, too formal, for the action surrounding it. Just my opinion.
Isn't Gabriel the man turned into a werewolf by the man who's fighting him? If so, and I were Gabriel, I'd go werewolf in a nuclear explosion kinda way, as long as I knew I wouldn't be punished for it by the king. And maybe even then. That jerk (not the king) deserves to die.
Author here:
Gabriel is in human form. No wolfy attributes to speak of. He can't go all werewolfy on Reynard's ass because there will be some bad consequences if he does. He has to fight and win as a man. (I more mentioned the werewolf thing so people wouldn't be thrown by all the "dog" insults Reynard's hurling.) Reynard's bigger than Gabriel, though, and more experianced. He also hasn't spent the last two years living as a wolf in the woods. He has a bit of an advantage.
Sarah, thanks for the tightening. I'll use it if I don't end up rewriting the whole fight. :D
1. All traditions and legends about lycanthropy insist that one of the attributes of the condition is more-or-less instant healing, unless the wound is inflicted by silver. Why doesn't Gabriel show this?
2. Isn't a character named Reynard the Trickster a werefox? If not, why not? I was assuming you took him from the medieval French Reynard cycle.
Author, there's a lot to like about Sarah's rewrite but I think it takes away the punch (sorry, Sarah). Things like "so hard he howled aloud his pain," and "Reynard was busy sneering at him" contribute to the original voice of the piece, which I liked.
I'd keep, "At the last moment Reynard’s free hand shot out and, faster than anyone could follow, he had seized Gabriel by the wrist and, twisting it ruthlessly, brought the other man crashing to the ground" as one sentence. Chopped up into three sentences, it loses it's flow.
Hey, in what world is Reynard the fox a wereanimal? I read that medieval cycle in college. He's just a fox. Just a regular ole fox. Sly and tricksy like.
Maybe you have him confused with a weredingo?
Oh yes, and reread the blurby at the beginning of the fight the baddie's name is Reynard de Tromper, not the Trickster.
No werefoxes here as far as I can tell!
Author: cut out some of your adverbs. I was a little confused about who was doing what to whom and when. Oh yea, and Gabriel should just chop Reynard's head off two sentences in. That'll make it better. Yup.
My tightening suggestions do tend to have more of my voice. That's why they're only suggestions. :-)
And Robin - I sometimes edit technical documents at work. I am thinking of starting an editing class. Mulling that one over as I don't have an official 'writing' background.
'howled his pain' is a great description, but somehow the POV seems a bit confused just there. The changing of names from Reynard to 'de Tromper' is momentarily confusing.
Again 'pulled the other man' confused the POV again. I'm assuming it's Gabriel's POV for some reason, maybe I'm wrong, but if it is, then Gabriel should feel the pulling of the hair, his legs flailing as he is yanked to his feet, we should stay with him. This happens a few times. But maybe I've got it wrong.
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