A few minutes later, all the girls sprawled on their backs, panting.
"Truth time," Julie said. "In our class, who do you like?"
"Ah, no, Julie. Not that!" Arlene hid her face under a pillow.
Julie nudged Marion who lay next to her. "You first."
"I think Bruce is okay," Marion [she] muttered. [With this many characters, you don't get to use pronouns often, but here it's clear who's talking.]
"Bruce? Bruce Dogget?" shrieked Dawna. "You've got to be kidding me. He's just a Billy wannabee."
Arlene nodded. "Yeah. They think they're so hot. But look who broke Billy's nose."
"Peter, a ballet dancer! That sucks." Julie gave a nasty laugh.
"We already know Sheryl likes Peter," Marion said. "What about you, Melissa?"
Melissa visualized each boy in her class. She didn't know any very well, except Peter. "I don't like anyone that way."
Julie and her friends razzed her, insisting she had a "secret love."
Melissa protested. "No, guys. I haven't been here long enough."
"Dawna?" Julie sat up to look at her.
Dawna's face reddened. "You first."
"If you insist." Julie tossed her hair. "Mike Smithe." Mike [always] sat slouched in the back of their class, scowling.
"That's who I was going to pick," Dawna squealed.
The two tittered.
"Who here has ever kissed a boy?" Julie said.
"Does your brother count?" Marion looked hopeful.
"No." Julie snorted. "I mean, kissed a guy for real."
"Ew." Arlene wrinkled her nose. "That's disgusting."
"Not to mention all the germs you can get." Sheryl's eyes twinkled. Melissa chuckled.
"We should make a pact. Each of us must kiss at least one guy 'for real' before sixth grade starts." Julie lifed her chin.
Melissa gasped. "Sixth grade? That's only six months away."
"Who's going to join me [in]?" Julie stretched out a hand.
--danceluvr
[My extensive experience hiding behind curtains during slumber parties led me to believe a few comments didn't sound fifth grade, but mostly well done; not easy writing a conversation for a lot of people. How come Arlene gets out of choosing a boy?]
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8 comments:
The 'does you brother count' bit made me grin.
I can see this kind of kissy conversation going on - works for me, for realism.
It mostly sounds like real girltalk, although not quite as young as Grade Five.
The given names are associated in my mind with a substantially older generation. I haven't met anyone under 45 named Marion or under 30 named Melissa. But maybe they're coming around again?
Meanwhile the boys are trying to decide if Mighty Mouse can beat Superman or if SPiderman can survive a fight with the Silver Surfer. Important stuff, yanno, important stuff.
This line was a bit tell-y:
Julie and her friends razzed her, insisting she had a "secret love."
Might better be shown with dialogue? Just a couple of lines, wouldn't take long.
FWIW, I know an 11-year-old Melissa.
There's a huge change that happens between 5th grade and 6th grade, and this sounds very much like 6th grade talk to me and not so much like 5th grade talk. Mike sitting slouched in the back of the class, scowling, also sounds more like 6th grade. Considering that kids generally like to read up (a year or two older than they are), it might work better to make this a group of 6th graders aiming to be kissed by the end of 6th grade instead of the beginning. It'd broaden your audience considerably.
I always have trouble with a lot of people in one scene. That's me though, and not you.
This is good with EE's edits.
I'm a little confused by how many girls there are here, but appreciate what you're saying.
EE's red text is instructive - there's a lot of uneccessary facial business going on. I'm prey to this one too and if you're like me, you'll find it everywhere now. That's good.
Thanks, guys, for your notes. And EE, of course. I especially appreciate the male readers. Not many of them would pick up this work due to its topic.
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