St. Louis, 1821
“Now, Manuel, let’s do a little business,” Kincaid said in Spanish. They entered a stately looking bank with granite pillars beside the door. After a while, an officious young man, slightly older than himself, approached.
“Might I be of assistance…..sir?” he asked painfully.
Kincaid felt his stare as if he was saying, “Well, state your business. I’m a busy man.” Prissy little bastard, Kincaid thought. Not much of a man. “I need to talk to the head man.”
“Indeed,” came a cold reply. “Do you have an appointment?”
“Uh, no.”
“Then I’m afraid that is impossible.”
“Impossible? That’s a fiddle-faddle word.”
“Mr……what is your name?”
“Kincaid. Joshua Kincaid.”
“Mr. Kincaid, the Merchants Bank and Trust does not conduct business in impromptu discussions. You will need an appointment.”
“Then I want an appointment.”
“What does this affair concern?”
“I’m looking for backing for a trading trip to Mexico.”
“Oh, is that so,” the clerk drew out his words. “First, Mr. Kincaid, we are in the business of lending money, not investing. Second, we are prudent and lend to trustworthy gentleman with sound endeavors such as stores, quarries, tanneries, and the like. We would certainly not risk a wild adventure in Mexico.”
“But I can double your money.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Kincaid. We do not speculate. Furthermore, there is the matter of your age. Good-day, Mr. Kincaid.” He closed emphasizing “mister”. [Mister in italics will do.]
Kincaid felt ashamed for his clumsy approach. But he couldn’t let on. Can’t let Manuel see I can’t get past the door, he thought.
He paused and abruptly put out his hand. “Thank you, sir. I will consider all you said.” The clerk hesitated, but Kincaid kept his hand out, until the man reluctantly took it.
Outside Manuel immediately asked, “What did he say?”
“He liked the idea.”
“Bueno.”
--Wes
[If they don't speculate, they don't speculate. No reason he would continue with other reasons they won't do business with Kincaid.]
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8 comments:
Interesting exchange in with a bank employee. Easy to read and appreciate.
I really like the ending of this scene. The character comes to life for me in the last few sentences. Agree with EE's suggestions.
Not sure about "he asked painfully". Or the repeat of "man" in the third paragraph.
Nicely done.
LOL, the last line. How tough is Kincaid? Would he really say 'fiddle faddle'?
Yes - 'fiddle-faddle' doesn't seem to fit.
Like the tone of the bank employee.
I like the scene. I like how much it conveys a lot about Joshua Kincaid without stopping to explain it.
My experience with disgruntled (or too busy) employees is that they are short and terse. They may simply state policy and don't feel the need to explain themselves. They may even have some curt "apologies" about wasting my time or not being helpful.
Kincaid judging the manhood of the bank employee and finding him lacking doesn't jive with his use of "fiddle-faddle". I did like the scene, though, and aside from that one phrase it was a smooth exchange.
fiddle-faddle might be the correct term historically. It doesn't have the same weight today that it did then. Perhaps it's one of those that you have to modernize a bit or find a different term that fits both historically and with what you're trying to say here.
Liked this exchange!
Thanks for the comments, and yes, you are right. Repeating "man" was an oversight after I cut out some stuff to meet the 300 word limit, and "fiddle-faddle" definitely does not work. I'm learning to use the period stuff sparingly.
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