The last thing I need is to hook up with Steph again. "Could we not do this?"
"My parents are out. It's about time we said a proper goodbye, isn't it?" She kisses me more and I let her.
"Look, I just don't want this right now, okay?" Even though I do want exactly this and we both know it. The trouble with an ex-girlfriend is, she hasn't forgotten what happens when she kisses your neck while her fingers roam all over you like a breeze.
"Don't tell me you gave up girls along with everything else," she teases. She never truly knew me but this, she knows. The patterns in my breath, she knows. My hands have found their way to their favorite parts of her without consulting my brain for permission. Damn.
I remind myself how to pull away. "You're engaged, remember?"
"Pre-engaged. And you, sir, don't get to lecture me about cheating."
That's when I should've left.
"I never cheated. We were through."
She grabs my head by both ears. Her voice is low and serious and on the edge of bitchy. "You ran—straight to her. Holly-fucking-Cohen. Maybe your dick never cheated, but your mind must've."
Peeling her hands off my ears, I force my legs to stand up. But she's not through. "And now that she dumped you, you're hitting on a sweet, innocent Northside chick with bigger tits. Cute."
I'm frozen with my hand on the door knob. "Don't."
"She's such a pretty baby, I bet you'd do anything to—"
"Jesus, Steph, leave her out of it! She's nothing to do with this."
"Prove it."
I stare at her. "What?"
"I dare you." She puts on her teasing voice again. "I just want proof it's still you in there." She reaches for my hand.
--Ali
[Very nice. I wasn't sure what "She's nothing to do with this." meant. The Northside chick isn't the reason I don't want a roll in the hay with you right now? But then what does Prove it mean? Prove she's not the reason by succumbing to my charms? That wouldn't prove it. Straighten me out.]
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6 comments:
I really liked this one; the dialogue sounded true to my ear and it progressed the scene steadily.
I agree with Evil Editor, though. There's something missing-- probably explained earlier/later, but this tidbit leaves me scratching my head. It's like overhearing a conversation in the grocery store aisle. I know there's more, but what?
But still nice dialogue writing.
I had to cut out the earlier part where Steph assumes he's dating the other girl (the "sweet innocent Northside chick"), he insists she's just a friend, and Steph doesn't believe him. So, "prove it," meaning, if you're not tied to anyone, there's nothing stopping you from getting it on with me for old times' sake.
I like this, but the third paragraph felt like the voice of a female narrator.
I liked this, very evocative, good details.
I'm frozen with my hand on the door knob. "Don't." I didn't know who was speaking here. Juxtaposition implies it's him; but it sounds like her.
And I also didn't follow the 'leave her out of this' and 'pretty baby' references. I wasn't sure if she was talking about his dick as a girl or about the girl, to be honest.
This is good - esp paras 3 & 4. Having an ex around can be excrutiating when slumbering synapses recall how once they flailed. Arghhh!
All runs smoothly until 'I force my legs to stand up'. What? Independently of his torso?
'I force myself to stand up'?
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