Our hero, recently released after 20 years in a rather nasty prison, is hoping his ex-girlfriend will give him the address of a former friend; fantasy, not present day.
"You came back, did you?"
"Know how to make a man feel welcome." Despite the coldness of her welcome, he walked over to the table. Two days of constant walking had made his knees ache, and it was hard not to limp.
"Owen will be home soon for lunch." Annes returned to cutting the carrots. "I'll don't think he'll be happy seeing a, seeing you in our house." [I'd replace the comma with an ellipsis to show a longer pause.]
"I understand." He went to put his hands on the back of the chair, then thought better and shoved them behind his back. "Where is Roland?"
"I said no."
"How can you protect him?"
"Protect him?" She stopped, with the knife up in front of her. With its pointed end, it looked like a dagger and she held it as if she wanted to stab someone. "You think that?"
"Don't understand?"
She resumed chopping the carrots, each stroke of the knife thudding into the board below.
"Annie?"
"What will happen if you, if you hurt him and get caught?" [Another comma that I'd make an ellipsis.]
Does it matter? Jenn shrugged. "Maybe they send me back to Blackmarsh?"
The knife went still. "You want that?"
"I know rules there. Can play their game."
"More like they'll hang you."
"Then all be over."
The carrot cutting resumed, but this time each chop was weaker, not even making it through the carrot.
"Your Owen, is a good man?"
Annes nodded. "He is a very good man. He's a loving husband and father, and we've had sixteen mostly wonderful years together."
"I am glad." Sixteen? Her daughter had to be older than that, nineteen at least or twenty. Did it matter? "He is not," what was her name? "Elyn's father, is he?"
Annes' hand froze for a moment. "No." She looked frightened, like a child caught stealing apples from the bin.
--Xenith
[Nice tense scene.]
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
Gee, this so needs the context. These two know so much and say so little that every word is packed with meaning. It's a long scene too, since their dialog must go on.
Like EE, I'm a big fan of the em dash, and I think it would go very where he suggests. I like the tension here, but I was thrown a bit by the male character named Jenn. (I'm sure that's not a problem in the context of the larger work.) It took me a second read to get the "Don't understand?" as coming from him. I think that's mostly because I didn't pick up on his unfrozen-caveman-lawyer way of speaking at first. Again, in the context of the larger work, I'm sure that problem wouldn't present itself.
I like the subtext of her actions and the unspoken tension about her daughter's age. I found his speaking style confusing, though. It seemed odd, contrasted with the narrative --Sixteen? Her daughter had to be older than that, nineteen at least or twenty. Did it matter?)-- that shows him thinking in a completely different syntax.
I like the scene. It maybe loses a little out of context, but that's the nature of the exercise. Kind of agree with Ali on the syntax - couldn't tell if it was dialect or typos sometimes. Again, probably lack of context in the exercise.
Good, though. I like it.
Thanks, guys. Encouraging comments. I'm trying to cut down on elllipses & em-dashes though :|
I should added to my note, one side effect of his imprisonment is a tendency to speak softly (to not cause offence) and he keeps being told to speak louder & slower, which is very frustrating so he uses the minimum number of words. Tricky to write though, because it's hard to get the right emotional tone at times. (Probably some typos too. I thought I got them all though.)
I hadn't picked up on the name: Jenn is a shortening of Jevan, which is a variationon Yevan, which I think I saw somewhere is sometimes shortened to Yenn or Juenn but I can't find that now). I'll have to check my pronoun use at the start to make sure that's not a problem :)
I like this; particularly the way she uses the knife to reinforce the dialogue. Although, a knife just is a kind of dagger, so perhaps you over-explain slightly there.
This is good but I was distracted by the continual resumption of carrot chopping - especially the 3rd time.
Give her something else to chop with the dagger.
Nit-picking, Xenith.
I agree with Dave--this is good, tight writing, but I was having a hard time without more context.
There's a lot to like here, but out of context the guy Jenn's speech is a bit confusing until I figured out he always talks that way.
The stage business is very good, serves to underline the tension of the speech. However, without the intro I wouldn't have picked up much tension around asking for the other person's address. I was more focused on who was the father of the child.
Even out of context, I really like this. So much hinted at in the conversation, I'd read on for sure.
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. I could always provide more context ;)
I shall have a closer look at the tension around the name (and the carrots). :)
Post a Comment