Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Guess the Plot
Bye Bye Bluebird
1. After 26 years, Blueville's local high-school basketball team, the Bluebirds, finally have a shot at the state title. Coach Matheson is thrilled—until he learns his star forward is screwing his trophy wife. Can Coach Matheson keep his cool and win the game of his career? Or will it be . . . Bye Bye Bluebird?
2. When the world's birds come under the influence of the super-villain known as the Albatross, and strive to wipe out the entire human population with bird flu, little Jimmy Thompson must decide whether to sacrifice his pet bluebird to prevent a pandemic.
3. When the bluebird of happiness becomes depressed and suicidal and is kidnapped by the Illuminati, the Government turns to Master Sergeant Algernon Bottomside to free the bluebird and return humor to the world.
4. The mascot of the Sioux City Bluebirds minor league baseball team is nowhere to be seen, and the championship game's about to start. Everyone figures he's drunk again, until the relief pitchers head out to the bullpen and find it full of blue feathers. Looks like baseball fan/detective Ron Dixon will miss the game.
5. Jessie throws aside her childhood nickname "Bluebird" when she embraces the occult and joins the Children of the Night as "Raven". But will passionate sex, unlimited power and endless chocolate make up for the loss of her innocence?
6. After encountering a man known only as the Vulture in her mirror, Ceah starts seeing bluebird feathers. Is it her imagination? Apparently not, as she also develops the ability to fly. Then she takes a cruise, but her ship sinks and she ends up in a strange new world where her parents are wanted criminals. Didja ever have one of those days?
Dear Evilest of Evil Editor:
Ceah Chordata expects to be dead when the cruise ship she and her friend Lea are on sinks in a violent August storm. [If only there were lifeboats. That's what she gets for taking the cut-rate cruise.] [If only she knew how to fly like a bluebird.]
But her situation is a tad different. [From what?] In the week before the cruise, Ceah has encountered a man in her mirror who calls himself the Vulture, [If I encounter a man in my mirror, I'm not hanging around long enough to find out what he calls himself.] [But if by chance I do hang around long enough to find out what he calls himself, and that turns out to be the Vulture, I'm taking a sledgehammer to my mirror.] been locked in a room that materialized out of nowhere, and discovered a stone called the Lis. [How does she know it's called the Lis? Is that pronounced Liss or Liz?] She is sure her parents know something but they absolutely refuse to say a word. Her dad has been acting strangely. She is seeing bluebird feathers. To top it all off, she saves herself from falling off the stairs and breaking her neck by flying [Aha! She can fly. Why doesn't she fly away when the ship is sinking?] and is very shocked despite the conspicuous connection between this avian ability and her last name. [Wait a minute. Even though her last name is Chordata, she's shocked to discover she can fly?
1. When a person develops flight ability, it's shocking news, no matter what their name.
2. Chordata refers mainly to vertebrates, which includes fish, amphibians, reptiles, mammals, birds and a few others. That's over 100,000 species of which no more than ten thousand are birds. Or bats. So even if your last name determined such things, I would expect no more from someone whose last name was Chordata than a backbone.
3. Maybe her last name should be Aves. But even then I wouldn't consider her shock at discovering she can fly to be worthy of remark.]
Indeed, when the ship sinks, Ceah and Lea leave this world and enter another. However, it is not one filled with fluffy clouds or flames of damnation; instead, the friends find themselves in a world called Sialia, where the treachery of Ceah’s parents lingers heavily in the air. [Ceah, Sialia . . . Please tell me her father's name isn't Cialis.] It doesn’t take Ceah long to realize that this unspeakable crime her parents once committed seems to curiously boil down to two things: the Lis Stone and herself. [Clever. You don't want to tell us what they did, so you call it unspeakable, figuring that gets you out of talking about it.]
Meanwhile, dark forces are at work. V.E.D., an illicit organization with ties to the black market, is also after the Lis Stone. Jackie Lato, who is strangely obsessed with possessing it, is beginning to be suspected (correctly) by other members of personal, ulterior motives. [In my opinion one is either not suspected or suspected. It's not a progression from not suspected to beginning to be suspected to somewhat suspected to full-blown suspected.] V.E.D.’s pursuit brings them into Sialia as well, where Ceah, calling herself Raya Lye, is stepping on some very thin ice. [Which surprises her, even though her last name is Lye.]
Bye Bye Bluebird is my first fantasy novel with a word count of 134,000.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
We should know how old Ceah is.
I hope there's more to your title than the fact that Ceah sees bluebird feathers. If not, she should see blackbird feathers so your title is the same as the song.
Doesn't the story really begin when Ceah gets to the new world? Stuff like the Vulture and the mysterious room and the bluebird feathers is taking up space that could be used to tell us about this world. Where is it? Can she get out? How did the V.E.D. get in? What's the unspeakable crime? Most importantly, what's the Lis Stone and why does everyone want it?