One seat left. A middle seat, of course, between a feller with muttonchops you could stuff a piller with and a blue-haired broad who wuz already loosening her belt and tuning up her pipes for the non-stop story of her non-life. Suddenly, I didn't want to go to Trenton.
Before one wheel was off the ground, the broad was telling me about her hysterectomy in '69 during the Nixon inaugural. I put on my fake iPod to shut her up. She sneered and began chewing her nails. The feller nexta me popped...I'm not kidding...twelve pills from an egg-carton-looking thing, and sucked down three mini-bottles of rum and one of blush wine. It wasn't two minutes before I had muttonchops and blue hair in my lap. I wish aircraft had emergency cords a feller could pull, like teevee trains do.
Fine. I do identity theft. Quick pickin's. The broad had $280 credit on her Discover card. I used the card to buy time on the air phone to spend the rest. Really pisses me off how much they charged me for the call. That's about it for her. The muttonchopped gent had six hundred dollars cash and a Sears card. How'd he get a plane ticket? He had a lifetime pass to the **** Ranch in Las Vegas, a WalMart gift card, a punch card from Creamy-Cream Ice Cream Parlor in ******. Just one more sundae and he's home free. Green Stamps. Haven't seen them since I was twelve. He had score cards for some chicks: R***n, K******n, P*****x, and a half-dozen others. He lives in ******, if you believe his photocopied passport. I've had better days. [Ed. Note: some text edited for national security purposes.]