Guess the Plot
Flash
1. Baylie Richards has trained as an ice skater since she was five. With the junior nationals approaching, she desperately wants to bring some new style to the competition. Can she convince her coach to let her perform to "Hollaback Girl"?
2. When the partially eaten body of celebrity photographer Marc Austin is discovered in Griffith Park, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the cougars who stalked the handsome Austin aren't the type with fangs and claws; and he'd better not forget his son's birthday at the zoo on Wednesday.
3. In the high stakes world of celebrity photo-stalking, Flick was the best around. When he catches starlet Lola Linguard in a compromising position, he knows he's hit paydirt. But after she begs him not to publish the photos, he begins to wonder--is the money worth destroying someone's life?
4. All Bart wanted was a wife and family and a happy life in the country. Instead he's stuck in a studio apartment in New York City, and he can't stop flashing people at the corner bar. When he's arrested, he meets a beautiful cop, and they fall in love. She makes Bart promise: no more exhibitionism, or they're finished. Can Bart stop himself, or will their relationship be over in a . . . Flash?
5. Red Spandex grows old on a superhero after a while. Especially when the red fades in the wash and you're a winter person with brown eyes that clash with red. The Superhero spandex fashion world is just so unfair to guys with olive complexions and an above-average package.
6. Kidnapped by thugs from a major industrial corporation, Sarah Johnson is ordered to help them by using her ability to see flashes of the future--or she'll face brutal consequences. Things get complicated when she finds herself falling in love with one of her captors.
Original Version
Dear Evil,
(Personalized info here) I hope you'll be interested in my 76,000 word YA novel Flash.
You'd think a girl who can see the future would be able to [could] avoid being kidnapped. But eighteen-year-old Sarah Johnson hates her flashes--painful glimpses of what's coming triggered by trauma or touch--and is trying desperately to suppress them. [Painful because they show bad news, or physically painful?] [What do you mean, triggered by touch? Touching people? Objects? Men's underwear? Is this like when I touch a Cheesecake Factory menu and get a painful glimpse of the heartburn I'll be suffering in a few hours?]
However, when she is recruited at gunpoint by Keane Industries, she has to figure out how to use her flashes for their benefit or face the brutal consequences. [What does Keane Industries do? Manufacture torture equipment? What are the brutal consequences?] Imprisoned in a secluded house, she meets intelligent and caring Will. He's in charge of her development, but she's seen him before--every night in her dreams for the last three years. Devastated to finally find him under such horrible circumstances, Sarah is nonetheless drawn to him, unable to resist the love she knows she'll eventually feel for him.
But the trust she's slowly placing in Will shatters when she flashes on a cruel conversation between him and Phillip Keane, president of the company. [A cruel conversation? Are they discussing the most effective way to torture Sarah?
Keane: I need to know what our stock value will be next month.
Will: I had her touch a stock certificate, but all she flashed on was comfortable business shoes. I strapped her onto the rack and stretched her, but then she flashed on playing pro basketball.
Keane: Make her read the Wall Street Journal. Then--
Will: Hey, even I'm not that cruel.]
James, the gorgeous, charming, and calculating heir to Keane Industries is there, ready to sweep her away. [He's there in the flash, or he's there with her when she has the flash?] [Sweep her away meaning rescue her from her captives?] Her future hangs on one choice: accept James and her fate as the pawn of powerful men, or risk losing everything to find out if Will really is the man of her dreams. [What do you mean by "risk losing everything? If she's being held captive, how does she have options?]
My novellette, Tangle, was featured in the May 2008 issue of Leading Edge magazine, and I attended the BYU Writing for Young Readers conference in June of 2007. I would be happy to send you a partial or the full manuscript of Flash. Thank you so much for your time.
Sincerely,
Notes
Does anything that happens in Sarah's flashes ever not happen in reality? If not, she should know Will is the man of her dreams.
What makes Keane Industries think they (or even Sarah) can exert control over Sarah's flashes?
I don't think it needs to be much longer to be made more specific. Instead of "trauma or touch," say "touching zombie meerkats." Instead of "the brutal consequences," say "Borgo the Disemboweler." Instead of "her development" say "training her to control her flashes." Instead of "a cruel conversation between him and Phillip Keane, president of the company," say Will and Phillip Keane, president of the company, laughing about what Borgo the Disemboweler will do to her." And be specific about her options. What is James offering, and what happens if she turns him down? Right now I think it's too general. I may have guessed wrong about your specifics, but any specifics will be more interesting than generalities.
34 comments:
"Sarah is nonetheless drawn to him, unable to resist the love she knows she'll eventually feel for him."
I don't understand this at all. Maybe it works (I hope!) in the manuscript, but for the query, I just don't get it. If she's not immediately head over heels for him, I would think she'd be repulsed. It's hard to imagine that anyone being held hostage would know they're going to find romance in their captivity with some stranger (Stockholm synd. aside, which really isn't planned).
And generally speaking, how solid is the future she sees? Can you change it? Or is it like the Greek Oracles where almost no one believes the visions / prophecies, and despite attempts to change the future, what you see is what you get?
Actually, the specifics you filled in were all exactly right. Spooky, EE.
Okay. I had a much more specific one, but people didn't like it. Here's my first draft, maybe it's better.
Watching her parents die was horrific—watching them die an hour before it happened was even worse. Eighteen-year-old Sarah hates her confusing and painful flashes of the future, except for one. Every night for three years she’s seen a face in her dreams, and every day she hopes to finally meet the man she’ll love. However, her carefully isolated life is torn apart when she does—Will is part of the group that kidnaps her on behalf of a powerful company. Suddenly she’s forced to face and control her flashes in order to give Keane Industries a competitive edge.
Complicating matters, Will is the one in charge of her development, and she struggles with her feelings for him. A single touch to trigger a flash is all it would take to truly know him, but Sarah is terrified of what she might find out. Her future—the one where she loves Will—has always been set, until everything starts shifting, dangerously manipulated by James, the handsome and charming heir to Keane Industries. Sarah is faced with a choice: give up the dream she has been living for, or find out once and for all who Will truly is.
Better? Worse? Laughing your head off?
Sigh.
You know me, I'll be back in a couple of hours with a new draft.
I was gonna say why not just substitute the correct specifics, but actually I like the first paragraph of this one better. Except that it implies her dreams are the same as flashes.
When the next paragraph gets to James you lose me. Everything starts shifting? What does that mean? Does James have special powers? How does she know anything has shifted? She won't know until the future whether her flashes will come true or not. Maybe it's better to leave James out. You;re having trouble telling us what his angle is.
Hmmm. It's true, I have a hard time summing James' role up. Basically he's offering her a different future, trying to pull her away from Will.
I'll work out a new one when the kids go down for a nap. Queries make me grouchy.
Kiersten -
I much prefer 'confusing and painful flashes of the future' to 'hates her flashes' if only because the latter makes me start thinking 'hot flashes.' Poor girl is only 18 and she has enough problems already. Though writing it as 'hates her "flashes"' could reduce that potential misreading.
And I am with megoblocks about wondering about the specifics of her ability to see the future - not that the query is the place for long explanations, but if her power *in itself* can be a source of conflict then you're ramping up the stakes. What if her visions of the future are like, er, whichever of the Cullens has them, i.e. not fixed in stone? Or so vague as to border on meaningless? Or not always accurate? If her value to the people who kidnap her becomes reduced because they expect her powers to be the mental equivalent of a vending machine, that can put her in real danger, because as we all know, if you put in your buck-fifty and get Diet Pepsi instead of Mountain Dew, anger results.
Okay, I know you liked the first paragraph of the other one better, but I can't figure out where to work in the extra information, and, like you said, it makes it sound like she only has flashes in her dreams. I added details to this one. What do you think?
You'd think a girl who can see the future could avoid being kidnapped. But eighteen-year-old Sarah Johnson hates her flashes—glimpses of what's coming triggered by trauma or skin contact—and is trying desperately to suppress them.
However, when Keane Industries recruits her at gunpoint, she has to figure out how to use her abilities to give them a competitive edge or they’ll destroy everyone she loves. Imprisoned in a secluded house, she meets intelligent and caring Will. He's in charge of training her to control the flashes, but she's seen him before—every night in her dreams for the last three years. Devastated to finally find him under such horrible circumstances, Sarah is nonetheless drawn to him, unable to resist the love she knows she'll eventually feel for him.
But the trust she's slowly placing in Will shatters when she flashes on him telling the President of Keane Industries that he’s got her completely under control. One touch is all it would take to know how he truly feels, but with increasingly violent reactions to the flashes, she worries that she’ll lose touch with reality completely. Her future hangs on one choice: accept her fate as the pawn of powerful men, or risk losing everything—including her sanity—to find out if Will really is the man of her dreams.
Megoblocks and Tracey, the future isn't set--she sees specific things that will happen unless something specific changes it. But yeah, query isn't really the place to go into it. And I'll work on the flashes wording ; )
You are so close. The thoughts and ideas are all there and so are most of the right words. I understand your uncertainty about each version.
This is the money opening lines with slight changes:
Watching her parents die was horrific—watching them die an hour before it happened was even worse. One touch, the slightest of physical contacts, and eighteen-year-old Sarah sees confusing and painful visions of the future. And yet, every night in her dreams, she has visions of the man she thinks she is destined to love and marry.
Nothing beats the emotional impact of that first sentence, or the mystery created in the next two. Now you have to sustain the mystery.
However, her carefully isolated life is torn apart when the man in her dreams, Will, becomes her kidnapper and jailer. Will wants to be her mentor, to teach her how to use her power to see the future and to use it exclusively to give Keane Industries a competitive edge.
There's your basic situation with Will. And you have the next set of thoughts about James in your own words.
Complicating her struggle is the charming and manipulative James, heir to Keane Industries who seems to be on her side, if and only if she works for him and abandons Will. Sarah is faced with a choice: give up the dream she has been living for, or find out once and for all who Will truly is.
Polish that. It's most likely rough because I wrote while cooking dinner.
"hates her flashes" i'm with Tracey. I went right to "Why is this teenage girl going through menopause?" Might want to come up with a different term for this affliction.
Dave, that was great. And actually very close to the plotline.
Here's my dilemma, and the reason why I worked over the posted version rather than the comments version: I sent out two queries on Monday (the facelift version) and the same day got back two partial requests. So, with that success, I'm hesitant to abandon this query.
I'm totally open to thoughts and suggestions. Maybe I'll just have two, and experiment to see which one generates a better response?
EE, did you like the updated one with the details you were asking for, or do you still like the "watching her parents die" one better?
Hey, EE! You owe me six bucks for mentioning zombie meerkats!
The only way to make Will acceptable is to have him turn out to be an undercover cop of some sort (or perhaps the agent of a secret--and benevolent--organization of people with psi powers, as in the Pegasus books of Anne McCaffrey).
This books sounds a bit like a cross between the TV shows MEDIUM and THE DEAD ZONE. You might take another lesson from them (and from the Delphic Oracle) and make the flashes cryptic, so people can't easily interpret them. Remember the ones where the Delphic Oracle said that safety lay in wooden walls and meant to build a fleet? Or told a king that if he invaded his neighbor, he would destroy a great ruler--only it turned out to mean him?
Another tricky one in MEDIUM: Alison had a vision of her husband embracing another woman: it turned out that when they went out to dinner, he wound up performing the Heimlich Maneuver on a choking woman at the next table.
Try for this sort of vision. No reason you can't read up on the Greek Oracles and modernize their prophecies.
Thanks, the book is completely finished, otherwise I wouldn't be querying. I like what I did with the flashes. Sarah can only see things that are connected to her or to people she has touched; they can change if something is done to alter them. She doesn't work at all the way the company wants her to. The visions are similar to absence seizures. She doesn't have much control unless it's something immediate. Sometimes the things she sees are taken out of context--the conversation between Will and Keane being the best one. Will is working with Keane so that he can save whoever they pick next, since the company pretty much destroyed his sister.
So rest assured, dear friends, I have actually thought this all through extensively and it works very well (I think) in the novel ; )
It's getting an agent to read the book that is the trick now.
The comment version has a better first sentence, but the version isn't what's important so much as that it be interesting. And with the specifics added, the face-lift version is a lot more interesting. YA is very hot now, so I'm not surprised you're getting requests.
Okay, thanks. I'll see if I can incorporate the beginning of the comments into the beginning of the facelift version. Man, that's confusing. But thanks EE, I didn't want to send any more out until I'd run it by you.
Let's hope I'm hot enough. I'm really excited about this book; nothing a few dozen rejections can't cure, though ; )
Should I send the thank-you cookies to the usual address?
Who asked for partials?? Was it LDS Press? Because if not, I'm sure they would love this!Congratulations!!!!
Well, I'm a bit nervous adding my view to this group; because, I think I know where you're coming from, but I could be WAY off. If I am , sorry. Anyway, I'll give it a go and you can use what might be helpful and trash the rest. Deal?
Your first conflict is very strong. (And, I suppose that internal change will eventually lead to her triumph over her external situation, right?) I also like that this conflict requires her to accept and magnify her "talent" for her to survive. I also found her personal situation to be deeply heart wrenching, and it put me square on her side from the very beginning. Nice! :)
"Watching her parents die was horrific—watching them die an hour before it happened was even worse. Eighteen-year-old Sarah hates her confusing and painful flashes of the future, except for one. Every night for three years she’s seen a face in her dreams, and every day she hopes to finally meet the man she’ll love."
I'm wondering might she already be in love with him? Might it be a more eternal love, one with no beginning and no end or pre-ordained? Maybe "...the man she already loves" as opposed to "...the man she'll love."????
Your next conflict with the two guys is still smushy and needs to be defined. It's not clear what either might have to offer in the long term or why she seems to be thinking long term instead of until I can escape. It seems like she's trying to determine the best way to be beaten because we don't understand the value of Will yet.
I think you may be trying to mirror her choice to value herself and chose (God's??) Will or give herself over "as a pawn" to her(the?)adversary with your conflict between the two guys. Their differences need to be delineated more effectively.
Last but not least, I'm assuming (and I'm doing a lot of that, so I may be miles off course by now, sorry.) the Keane Corp. mirrors both the previous conflicts. But why the Keane corporation wants or needs her is lost on me. I can't even figure out what they are planning to do with her let alone the benefit they intend to reap???
Anyway the short version of what I'm saying goes like this:
1. First conflict - brilliant!
2. Second conflict (the guys)- clearly convey the cost/benefit ratio of each.
3. The Keane Corporation - Why and What?
Lastly, (for real this time) I think conveying that you went to a BYU conference is a bit like telling them you went to the grocery store. I know you're trying to tell them something important, but unless this is going to LDS editors only I think it will fly over their heads. And, if it is going to LDS people I think you may be hitting them over the head. Maybe try something a little more straightforward. This part is strictly my opinion and is no more accurate than yours so take it with a grain of salt.
Good luck! I think you have an amazing story here. :)
Well you got the words to sell the book. Good Luck. Hopefully an agent and a publisher will pick it up.
My late 2 cents. I think the comment version, first paragraph, rewritten by Dave is very powerful. (whew) And easier to follow than the sentence I just wrote.
The whole - I hate these things because I saw my parents die - is gripping.
You rock, Kiersten! Hoping for the best!
Watching her parents die was horrific—watching them die an hour before it happened was even worse.
This is incredibly compelling as a beginning and as an opening for the explanation as to why she hates and tries to suppress her flashes. But you might want to rephrase slightly:
"Watching her parents die was horrific. Watching them die an hour before it occurs and not being able to stop it sets X on the path to Y..." That sort of segue will set up the story nicely, I believe.
writtenwyrdd
I think it's the details one for the win, Kiersten.
Since I got to read it, I think if you decide to put James in the query you could describe him something like this "James, the intoxicatingly exciting playboy heir to Keane Enterprises takes a liking to her too, and after Sarah gets a flash of his future is torn between two men's affections and her own survival"
Yeah, I'll retool anyway, gotta do a new round. Sigh.
Wendy, you were freaking me out there for a minute, until I realized the BYU thing was a tipoff. And no, the requests were from two agents. I don't think Shadow Mountain or LDS Press would be interested. Not that there's bad content, but just not really their cup of tea. (A little Mormon joke for you! Get it? Nothing would be their cup of tea! Okay, shutting up now.) Anyway, I just mention the conference because it's another thing to add besides "I'm a married mother of two" or "I read a lot of books, figured why not write one!" or "I have an English degree, just like every other person you ever hear from!" and it shows that I'm actually putting in time to grow as a writer. Thanks for the analysis, though, Wendy, and now you must know I've got to ask whether or not you, too, are LDS.
Alright, I'll definitely go for the parents dying opener. Work it in with the (I think) more coherent second paragraph from the reworked face-lift version. Thanks all for the tips and encouragement.
And lest we all get our hopes up, both partials passed. Fun night!
Well, you know what I think of this from my comments on your blog. This is great! Congrats on the partial requests, and good luck with the rest!
Kiersten, I was going to ask about the YA designation, since the ages of the protag and especially the love interests seemed high. But since you're getting requests for partials, that must not be an issue.
If you don't mind answering, how do you draw the line between middle grade and YA? (I've got some stories I think of as YA, but which may be middle grade.)
Good luck with this.
--Bill H.
lol, thanks Nick. While James was my favorite character to write, I think the query is tighter when he's left out. Poor James.
Target audience. I've been told the age of your MC should be around the age you're aiming for. But keep in mind that kids like to read up--reading about other kids a year or two (or four or five) years older than them.
Another important distinction is content. You can get away with amazing amounts in YA these days, but middle grade still needs to be fairly tame.
My target audience is teenage girls (and Nick, apparently) and the book is delightfully angsty and age-appropriate, even though my MC is eighteen.
Since Will is "in charge of her development," I took him to be at least 24 in a corporate setting, and worried that would be an issue. Thanks.
Twenty-three getting his PhD.
But there's no sex, so I think I get away with it.
Kiersten,
Congrats. again on the partial requests. You clearly have things figured out when it comes to writing an effective query. I'm taking notes!
Yes, I'm a card carrying Mormon, so to speak an have been for 12 years. And now that you tell me you've made inroads into the mainstream market I'm wondering if, with a few tweaks, you might be able to access the LDS market as well. Maybe change the title along with some content and use a pen name. It could be lucrative and if your story isn't already LDSish it sounds like it could be without a whole lot of effort. Anyway just a thought. Financial compensation is always a nice perk, and I can definitely see this story as literary "crossover" hit.
Jussayin' :)
Ah, you're thinking a la Obert Skye's Leven Thumps or what's-his-face's Fablehaven. (Anyone who is wondering, they were published through Shadow Mountain, a fairly small Mormon publisher, and then picked up nationally and have done really well.)
I just really can't see any LDS publishers jumping on the bandwagon with this story. I didn't pull in any religion at all, other than that my MCs don't sleep together. I approached Deseret Book with my last novel, but they weren't interested. I'd much rather get an agent and not be constrained by what a small publisher feels is and is not appropriate.
That being said, the idea of sending a manuscript and having them pick it up for publication, bypassing querying and agents and agents pitching to editors, etc, is appealing.
And I certainly wouldn't say I'm a pro at querying. I've just done a ridiculous amount of research. That, and I listen to what EE says, which I suppose makes me smart ; )
"I'd much rather get an agent and not be constrained by what a small publisher feels is and is not appropriate."
SO! hear you on that one.
There is some strange thought out there that any "conservative Christian literature" cannot be good. And that is silly.
It's the same school of thought that says that "G-rated" movies or entertainment are generally only enjoyed by small children when the good ones (well written and presented) entertain adults. (I just saw Wall-E with the kids. Take your kids and enjoy it. It's fun.)
Let me put it this way - - if your teen's class in highschool does "Romeo and Juliet" or its more modern "West Side Story," they aren't going to do naked bedroom scenes. That lack doesn't make it less of a good story.
And equally Silly is the thought that because a person doesn't want to read about explicit sex, or premarital sex, or violence in the form of blood and gore, then they aren't serious about literature. That's so wrong. One of life's stupider generalisations.
I'm probably preaching to the choir. Me and my soapbox will go home, now.
Hi Kiersten:
While I normally recommend leading off with the personalized statement from a marketing perspective (get the agent/editor feeling good about you and your research efforts right up front), I think your hook is powerful enough that you don't want to dilute it.
I also think that leaving James out may be a mistake. He's part of the complications of the plot and the romance.
One thing that had me confused in your query versions that you cleared up in your comments was whether or not the future Sarah sees is immutable. I think it's important to know that the future she sees CAN be changed because that adds in a necessary bit of suspense and helps mitigate the Stockholm syndrome feel to her relationship with Will.
See what you think:
Watching her parents die was horrific - watching them die an hour before it happened was even worse.
Eighteen-year-old Sarah can't control her glimpses - or flashes - of the future. Not only are the flashes unpredictable, the future she sees can still be altered. What Sarah can't tell beforehand is whether altering the future will necessarily make it better.
When Sarah is recruited at gunpoint to gather advance intelligence for a powerful bio-engineering corporation, she's forced to confront the mind-crippling flashes she's come to hate. Complicating matters is Will, the intelligent and caring young man put in charge of her development. She's flashed on him before, three years ago, and has been dreaming of him every night since. But does finding Will here under these terrifying circumstances mean the future where she falls in love with him is already changed?
Add in the charming but calculating son of the company's CEO who seems to have her best interests at heart, and Sarah must rely on her conflicting and ever-more debilitating flashes to sort out the truth of her situation. Because if Sarah makes the wrong choice in deciding who to trust, she risks losing not only her future happiness with the man she'll love but her very sanity.
FLASH, a YA novel, is complete at 76,000 words.
My novellette, Tangle, was featured in the May 2008 issue of Leading Edge magazine. [personalized agent/editor info here].
I look forward to sending you the manuscript.
Phoenix, can one get published by writing query letters alone? Because I think you could do it.
Querrific! A life in queries, by Phoenix.
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