Obituary 5

Evil Editor has died. Government authorities are saying the situation is in hand and advise the public to remain indoors, do not panic, and above all, re-elect them.

Evil Editor was an editor with several large publishing houses as well as minor ones during his lifetime. It is known he worked for Random House and Penguin Group, serving for a time as senior editor for Ace and DAW Books. Several of his rejections became well known. 'Your novel set between crucifixion and resurrection presents Christianity as an unassuming little Judiasm and I am to be amused by its presumption.' 'If the only qualification to be President of the United States was to be a fat drunk, we would have had better Presidents years ago.' and his most famous, 'It is writers like you who force me to hire new staff on a regular and frequent basis.'

Despite dating a series of beautiful women, Evil Editor managed to keep out of society pages.

The cause of Evil Editor's death is not clear. What is certain is that he has arisen from the dead and is now a werezompire. So it is essential that really intelligent people and alcoholics keep their brains and blood, respectively, out of the reach of Evil Editor. Homeland Security believes his future actions will parallel his past actions and he will suck dry every worthwhile talent and crush the dreams of all others.

This paper's condolences go to Evil Editor's family in this time of loss.

--D Jason Cooper