Sunday, August 31, 2008

Bad Analogies, Batch 1

His voice was soft and sad, like sitting in lemon spread. --D Jason Cooper

It was an unorthodox choice, like spending one’s life translating Caesar’s COMMENTARIES into Latin. --tal

Writing exercises are like work, except you get paid in yucks instead of bucks. --Bill H.

She was talented but frustrated, with all the pent up ambition of a one-armed juggler. --stick and move

When the doctor told him he had six months to live, Kenkleman felt like a guy who'd just gotten a rejection slip from God. --EE

Convincing the jury my client wasn't a murderer would be difficult, like trying to relieve your constipation while Gilbert Gottfried sings Ava Maria in the next stall. --blogless

The man let out a terrifying scream, like a thousand parrots trapped in a particle accelerator with Englebert Humperdinck. --Whirl

The water was cold, like coffee left on the bench for too long. --Shell I

There are levels of bullshit. The childlike extravagance of my dad can beat up your dad. The elementally defensive commentary that blue or green does not make her butt look fat. The enriching blather that each child is equally creative, athletic and maybe even gifted in all ways. The newsy equivalence of opposing views comparing apples, dates and road cakes with peaches, pearls and whale turds, after all, lists of three items are undeniably logical making them incomparable and unquestionably accurate. Then there is the glorification of a lie, a set of words so false that truth pales and trembles - its crotch wet with fear and its anus quivering in horror; Lies so barren of truth that real men feel pain upon hearing and even cowards draw back, enamored of the audaciousness, enthralled by the spunky, odiferous stench that fills the ears, offends the eyes. Bullshit so fertile and fecund that it makes bold men dumb and righteous men howl tears and words of anguish rarely heard. --Dave F.

The tone and volume of her voice dipped and looped back upon itself, like a butterfly in flight, briefly resting on a word or phrase before taking off again as she expounded her theories on ex-presidents. --Meri

As I looked back on it, I saw that our love affair had been like eating a three day-old taco: hot at the start, uncertain in the middle, then a ferocious mutual rejection, leaving a mess no one wanted to clean up. --Paul Penna

9 comments:

freddie said...

He was facing the impossible. It was like trying to find a window table in a crowded campus coffee shop—next to an outlet for the computer, no less— all during the week before finals.

Their love like the White Sox's season during 2005: a series of ups and downs and the threat of blowing a record lead, but ultimately ending in triumph.

Hoping he would escape with his life was futile, like hoping the Mets would ever actually ever have a shot at winning the world series.

Loving Guy often made Mary feel like she was following a faulty GPS system.

Jeremy was glad he finally had a rather low-maitenance girlfriend. It was like looking for your favorite coffee creamer and having to settle for the generic brand, only to find out you like the generic brand better anyway, and hey—it's cheaper, too.

Dave F. said...

Gilbert Gottfried singing...
Oh Lord what a image that was for Sunday Morning...

Anonymous said...

The man let out a terrifying scream, like a thousand parrots trapped in a particle accelerator with Englebert Humperdinck. --Whirl

Had to reprint this one since I LOLd when I saw it. Maybe the huge coming-attraction-Englebert Humperdinck-sign I saw yesterday has something to do with that??

Meri

Anonymous said...

Also really enjoyed Dave's offerings today!!! It's more than applicable to the situation with Detroit's mayor and I'm sure I'll think of it again if I listen to any "Conventional" gobbledygook, aka bullshit!! Thanks Dave!!!

Meri

Dave F. said...

Oh Meri, I just spent a week listening to Obama's VP announcment, the Democratic convention and McCain's VP announcement. That's enough to warp the sanest of minds!

(heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh)

Xenith said...

It was an unorthodox choice, like spending one’s life translating Caesar’s COMMENTARIES into Latin. --tal

Oh, can I pinch that to use one day?

talpianna said...

Feel free, Xenith. Unlike the zombie meerkats, it's not copyrighted.

Robin S. said...

Engelbert, Meri and Paul made me laugh out loud, but all gave me good grins.

freddie said...

My favorites in this were the rejection slip from God, Englebert Humperdinck, and the three-day old taco. Very clever!