Sunday, August 24, 2008

Truth Serum 6

"To your health and mine!" I clinked my glass with EE's and watched him drink the Spanish brandy. His eyes popped like fried eggs as esters burned his throat and held sparring practice in his nasal passages.

"Whoa Jack of all asses! This stuff has the kick of a mule," EE said.

"Fundador's what brandy should be. Not that pampered stuff that the snobs talk about. This can peel the hair off your chest, like paint remover with a touch of formal-dee-hyde."

"I like my hairy chest," EE slammed the glass onto the table. His head spun around three times in his mind. "No wait, I want a hunky hairless chest like an Olympic swimmer."

"It's laced with truth serum. Tell me, what do you think of my trunk novel?"

"Like fine wine, an amusing and fragrant..." he stopped talking and shook his head from side to side. "No, it's like using boiled boar's urine to put out a burning compost pile. Stinks beyond all reasonable description."

"Huh?" I didn't expect that.

"And that middle section where they visit the midget lap dancers. It lacks credibility. Are you perhaps a virgin at your age?" EE eyes went crazy and he licked the bottom of his glass. "Where's the rest of this booze. Once you get past the initial kick. It's really good!" He poured a double from the decanter.

"What did I do?"

"What have you written? That's what I'm asking. Does this novel auger something new or just bore into the ancient and empty rectum of the nearest weredingo? Spock Loves Kirk fanfic reads better."

"You're a monster!"

"Moi? NO, think Doubleday for publishing Brown... Hey wench! Yes you, Missus V! Bring me that slush-pile and a dozen red pens. I'm going to enjoy destroying egos and crushing dreams."

--Dave F.

14 comments:

Whirlochre said...

From the moment EE's eyes popped, I knew this was going to be a goodie.

One of your best, Dave.

WouldBe said...

Spock Loves Kirk fanfic reads better.
*snork*.

I guess that mind meld thing serves as a truth serum; Spock knows what's on Jim's mind.

Anonymous said...

Rollicking good fun! I suspected Truth Serum might put Evil in a poor light and you delivered the goods!!!

Meri

Dave F. said...

Of all fanfic (and some of it is very good) the most despised is the premise that "Spock Loves Kirk" and they have sex in the story. I mean, how hard is it to create that scene? How hackneyed. How trite a love scene can it be? They meet alone, they reveal secrets, they kiss, they rip each others cloths off and go to it. Eighteen too many words to describe it. And yet, the fanfic goes on for thousands with explicit descriptions of their physical bodies and the act. How many times could you read that and not be bored?

It's right up there with the hatred of Wesley Crusher who usually dies after being violated by aliens. In this case, the author has to invent an alien species and that might involve some creativity. "Spock Bones Kirk" says it all.

Sorry, I'll take my well-worn soapbox and leave now. That was my weekly catharsis.

stick and move said...

Nice job, Dave. Good lines, not too wordy, packed some punch.

freddie said...

Ah, I love the dialogue.

Dave F. said...

Thanks.

talpianna said...

" Does this novel auger something new or just bore into the ancient and empty rectum of the nearest weredingo?"

A question worthy of Socrates!

WouldBe said...

I guess there was only one episode of Star Trek NG where Spock and Data could have been buddies. But I don't think that coincided with Data having a raging emotion chip. With the additional requirement for time travel, that seems a doomed relationship.

Also fanfic writers might be morally opposed to cross-breeding the shows.

I've never read any fanfic, but have seen posts of writers on another web site extolling the fun of it and the generous appreciation of their readers. (They acknowledged the hopelessness of it from an economic POV.) I, on the other hand, have easily cleared a nickel a month for my fiction writing.

ril said...

Funny and fun!

Dave F. said...

I'm not dissing fanfic, not at all. Some of it is very good. Lots of it exist on the web. There are paperbacks that follow lots of commercial shows and all of that is fanfic.

What I am dissing is the one topic: Spock bones Kirk... well and that other topic Wesley Crusher must die by horrible means because (a) I hate him and (b) I'm a virgin nerd who don't have a life...

Sarah Laurenson said...

Love the descriptions here, Dave. Excellent!

WouldBe said...

I think Wesley Crusher should die, too. He's no kind of officer. Arrrgh! Um, I almost had a date, once. She was hoping I was Bill Hurt.

--Bill H.

Dave F. said...

Bill is being naughty. Isn't that right Bill?
Bill is defending virginal nerds from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes.