Sunday, August 17, 2008

We're Doomed 11

“Well, hell,” remarked Evil Editor to the nine-foot-tall amorphous shiny thing that had just materialized in his back yard. “You got a face in there?”

“I must remain covered to protect myself from your atmosphere; and the reflective surface is necessary because of the harmful rays of your star. I am ¶ØĦŁξ, emissary of the planet řЉж∆◊ and of the Galactic Union. We have come to see if your dominant species is fit for membership. Are you a sentient being?”

“Absolutely,” replied EE, leaning on his hoe. “Top species here, top member speaking. What are your admission requirements? And what do WE get out of it?”

“Sentience, intelligence, and above all empathy for other beings. And we offer advanced technology to meet your needs.”

“Well,” said the Evil One, chopping at a molehill with his hoe, “I hope you’ve got something to get rid of these damned moles.”

“I beg your pardon. Moles?”

“Little varmints who ruin my lawn. I’ve tried ScootMole; I’ve tried sonic repellers; I’ve tried poison gas; I’ve tried poison bait. I’m now trying to fill in their damned tunnels. If it doesn’t work, I’m going to rent a flamethrower.”

“You have no compassion for these creatures? No empathy? According to the Galactic Encyclopedia, they devour harmful garden pests. Can you not come to some accommodation?”

“The only accommodation I’m offering the little bastards is enough ground to bury ‘em.

“Now, what do you want to know about us? Our great poets and artists? Our scientists and philosophers? Our beautiful women?”

“I think my observation of you is sufficient. You ARE a ‘human’?”

“Yeah. Make yourself at home; I’m going after that flamethrower. We’ll talk more when I get back.”

As EE departed, a tiny form popped up at the alien’s side and tugged at his ankle. “Didn’t we tell you? You see what they’re like?”

¶ØĦŁξ removed his helmet, revealing a tentacled snout identical to that of his interlocutor. “Yes, little cousin, I see. I have ordered the ship to release the plague spores. Soon you—or rather WE—will be the only sentient, intelligent, empathic species on the planet.”

--Talpianna “GOTCHA!” La Taupe


Julie Weathers said...

Ah, this was great. I loved it.

freddie said...

This is great!

Dave F. said...

"I’m going to rent a flamethrower."

Lowes and Home Depot have flame throwers? I can just see it now - crispy critter on a stick.

Very funny.

fairyhedgehog said...

This is wonderful. I love how you capture EE's innate modesty.

Robin S. said...

Oh Lord. EE with a hoe. There's a picture for me. Thanks, tal!

WouldBe said...

Would these be mole spores that are doing EE in? Will he ever learn? He's probably writing a letter of apology as we speak.

Bill H.

talpianna said...

Bill, they are the spores of a homo sapiens-specific deadly plague.

No moles were harmed in the writing of this exercise.

McKoala said...


I knew aliens and EE would mean the end of the world. I just didn't know about the moles.

Whirlochre said...

Didn’t we tell you? You see what they’re like?

Glad I saved this one till last.

talpianna said...

Poll: When I gave EE a hoe, what was I thinking?

A. I needed to introduce the gardening theme for the setup.

B. He needed a love interest.

C. I was reminded of Edwin Markhan's "The Man with a Hoe":

Bowed by the weight of centuries he leans
Upon his hoe and gazes on the ground,
The emptiness of ages in his face,
And on his back, the burden of the world.
Who made him dead to rapture and despair,
A thing that grieves not and that never hopes,
Stolid and stunned, a brother to the ox?
Who loosened and let down this brutal jaw?
Whose was the hand that slanted back this brow?
Whose breath blew out the light within this brain?

fairyhedgehog said...

Talpianna: Nothing so prosaic as A. Consciously you were thinking B, but your subconscious was working on C.

WouldBe said...

There's hope for you or EE, whoever cracks first:

--Bill H

talpianna said...

mckoala: What were you expecting--the Spanish Inquisition?