Sunday, August 17, 2008

We're Doomed 6

I went to the door to see who had the nerve to ring my bell at the dinner hour. Had to be either one of those door-to-door meat salesmen or Mormons. Either way, I figured if I gilloolied their knees my neighbors would thank me.

Turned out someone thought Halloween was early this year. "Come back in October," I told them. "I haven't finished inserting the razor blades into the apples."

"We seek a representative of your species," the female said. I could tell she was female because she was drooling as she gazed at me. "We must decide if your planet is salvageable."

I considered sending them to the president, but that would have doomed us all. "I'm your man," I said.

"The value of a species lies in what it produces in the arts. Painting, music, literature..."

I could tell we were in trouble. The only painters we cared about were the long-dead ones, rap was our top-selling music, and the only books anyone read nowadays were ghostwritten celebrity memoirs. We were doomed.

Then it hit me. I brought them inside and fired up my computer. "Our greatest art form," I said, "is the short film. Have a look." I played the Evil Editor Saturday Film Series movies, including the ones that hadn't even been released yet.

They were entranced. They laughed, they cried, they made me play them over and over. And in the end, they spared us all.

Lucky for us I didn't let them get a look at the slush pile in my office.

--Evil Editor

10 comments:

freddie said...

Hilarious!

Julie Weathers said...

Too funny. I think your slush pile might have scared them witless though.

Anonymous said...

They were entranced. They laughed, they cried, they made me play them over and over. And in the end, they spared us all.

And that's a fine way to wrap it up, I thought.
Love that Evil(super-sized)ego!! Where would the world be without it?

ME

Dave F. said...

I remember a stupid Stallone movie where he was unfrozen in the future and the "great" songs were all TV and radio commercial jingles. Now that's a nightmare!
I like this. It's subtle satire.

fairyhedgehog said...

Very nice work, EE!

Robin S. said...

"We seek a representative of your species," the female said. I could tell she was female because she was drooling as she gazed at me. "...
And then there were those other parts.

You made me smile. Thanks!

WouldBe said...

Crass self-promotion! (Why didn't I think of that?)

Robin S. said...

Also, what the hell? I never even heard of the word gilloolied.

It makes me crazy that you know words I never even heard of.

And that you're probably watching the Olympics.

Whirlochre said...

Shameless. I love it.

Kiersten said...

I had to google gilloolied, too, Robin. Turns out it's adapted from the name of one of Tanya Harding's co-conspirators, and has been adapted to mean taking out someone's knees.

Ha! Poor missionaries. At least you aren't kidnapping them to be sex slaves like that crazy dog-cloning British lady.

Wow, I digress. What I meant to say was, this was great, EE. I love the shameless self-promotion. Perfect.