Sunday, September 14, 2008

Pedicure 6

Toesies and Posies

Evil Editor sat in the pedicure seat in Elite Toesies and Posies, the finest pedicure/flower shop between Fifth and Seventh Street. “Why are there two of you?” said Evil.

“I'm trying for state certification for pedicurary; this is my examiner, Liz.”

“How many times must I tell you, pedicurary is not a word,” said Liz. “It's 'state certification for pedicurists.'"

Hmm, I like this pediwench, thought Evil Editor.

“Okay, let's see what we have here,” said Liz. “Please take off your socks, Mr. Editor....Oh, MY God. Put them back on!”

“See here, madam. I've paid my three bucks and I expect service.”

“All right.” Liz looked over the Evil toes. “Left great toe, paronychia, fungal infection, suggest client watch infomercials for dangerous cures; left second toe, onychia, inflamed matrix, possibly pathenogenic, suggest client take antibiotics; left middle toe, evident clubbing, suggest client see lung, liver and heart specialists; left fourth toe, Mee's lines, suggest client find new marital partner who won't feed him arsenic; left small toe, dark nail, suggest client add B12 to diet. Right great toe, nail impaled with ink pen nib, suggest client take anger management course; right second toe, ewww!, tinea unguium, infection similar to ringworm, suggest client go away; right middle toe, okay, but doesn't need pedicure procedure; right fourth toe-”

“Never mind, I'll just leave now,” said Evil Editor. “I've got to come up with some decent writing exercise topics and report a minion for wikipedia abuse.”

--Bill H.


Sarah Laurenson said...

Suggest Bill H. continue writing these hilarious exercises.

Loved this!

Julie Weathers said...

Bill, that is just scary. Wonder if Robin will notice the Mrs. EE? Are you trying to drive her insane?

Dave F. said...

Gees, those toes are worse than mine and I've lost three or four nails altogether. I haven't looked in a while.

Lots of fun, Bill. Lots of fun.

talpianna said...

I want to marry Bill H. and have his children--or at least his literary output.

WouldBe said...

Wow, Tal, that's the best offer I ever got for insulting someone's toes!

kaolin fire said...

Awesome. Especially liked "Right great toe, nail impaled with ink pen nib, suggest client take anger management course;".

Whirlochre said...

Loved the diagnosis.

debhoag said...

finally got here! Couldn't resist the idea of wouldbe taking on EE's feet, and it was every bit as good as advertised. Nice one!