Sunday, November 23, 2008

Evil Editor through History 6

Have a seat. I take it you've written a book?

Yes. It's about a whaling ship. The captain is obsessed with taking revenge on the whale that bit off his leg, so all he cares about is finding that whale. The rest of the crew--

Whoa. He's trying to locate one specific whale? In the ocean? Do you know how big the ocean is?

Yes, but this whale is white.

So is a rabbit, but I wouldn't want to try to find one specific rabbit knowing it was somewhere in Asia. See, that's an analogy.

Yes, I got it. The quest for the whale is symbolic. It's--

What's the title?

The Whale.

Christ. How long did it take to come up with that? Did you bring a chapter?

Of course. I think you'll find--

Quiet, let me read . . . Call me Ishmael . . . ? Is that your name? Ishmael?

No, I'm Herman.

Who's Ishmael?

He's a guy on the whaling ship. The Pequod.

And this is your hook? Call me Ishmael? Why wouldn't they call him Ishmael? It's his name. Now if he said, Call me Izzy, that would make sense.

Look, it's--

Trust me. You need a more memorable opening line. How's this, off the top of my head: Fucking whale!

I don't think--

It's perfect. The reader immediately wants to know how could anyone be angry at a whale. He reads on, discovers that the whale bit off the guy's leg. Now he's hooked. Whale versus man.

But--

What I don't get is how the whale bit off just one leg. When your mouth is ten feet across, it's hard to open it and take in one leg but not the other. It's like trying to eat one grain of rice off a piece of sushi.

A piece of what?

I think the whale should bite off both legs. And his torso. So the guy's just a disembodied head chasing . . . this whale got a name?

Moby Dick.

You're joking, right? Sounds like a porn star. Whatever. I didn't like this at first, but I've changed my mind. Head chasing Dick. It's symbolic, see? I'll buy it. No need to make the changes; I'll take care of it. How soon can you--

See you around, pal.

--Evil Editor

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny, funny, O Evil One.

You're joking, right? Sounds like a porn star. Whatever. I didn't like this at first, but I've changed my mind. Head chasing Dick. It's symbolic, see?

Above quote made me LOL and the ending was perfect!

Meri

William Highsmith said...

I just told Wonderwood you'd taken a beating today. You kicked your own arse pretty good with this.

Ellie said...

This was great!

150 said...

*dies*

BBJD said...

And this is your hook? Call me Ishmael? Why wouldn't they call him Ishmael? It's his name.

My son came by while I was laughing at this and read it over my shoulder. Now he's laughing.

This is how we talk to the television all the time.

Love it.

Bevie

Ah, I don't mean to imply you are writing at a 12-year-old level. But even if you are, it's still funny.

Rats. I think I just killed my chances to qualify as a Minion.

Anonymous said...

Clever. Gets my vote for best of the day. Like the no quotation marks thing ala McCarthy. Very good work EE.

Dave F. said...

A measure of a man's ambitions in life. This is really telling more than it appears. Fascinating.

Robin S. said...

This is funny and scary as hell - the voice subtraction thing.