Many thanks for your presence at our Thanksgiving table, and while I've tried to excuse your behavior by telling my wife you apparently mixed up our invitation with one from Caligula, she's not buying it. A few notes on why we've decided against a return engagement.
First of all, like you, I enjoy the drumstick, so it was a bit annoying to have you grab both of them. And it was even more annoying when you yelled, "Watch me play the bongos!" and used the drumsticks to bang out the drum solo from In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida on my sister's breasts.
Secondly, it goes without saying--or at least it should--that when, after calling, "Food fight!" you eventually realize you are the only person participating, it's time to move on, preferably while there are still some mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce in the bowls.
Finally, while we've all chuckled at the many amusing phrases describing you know what, from flogging the dolphin to spanking the monkey to polishing the bayonet, I don't believe "stuffing the turkey" is one of them, and even if it is, a demonstration, however entertaining, was inappropriate. I'm surprised anyone was willing to even eat any turkey after your performance.
P.S. My nephew Harry asked me to inquire as to whether you'd be available to attend his bachelor party next month.