Sunday, November 16, 2008

Uncooperative Agent 1

Absinthe Goodbody and Her Agent Hattie Faluntimo-Spiegel Beat the Bush For Big Game.

"He's bad for your novel." Hattie sipped her hot coffee. She scrawled a red X on a query and slid it into the reject box. Her lips puckered as she read another query.

"Snake Mountain's bad?" Absinthe teared up.

"Not your novel. This query sucks like a twenty-four hour lollipop." Hattie drew a skull and crossbones on the query. She picked up the next.

"I want to know why you think my novel isn't suitable for EE." Absinthe's feet scuffed the floor.

"I don't want him anywhere near our Snake Mountain. It's precious and he's common. He despoils fine, literate writing. He'll make you sacrifice your story on the altar of popular commerciality. Worse, he smells like butt crack in a steam room. Speaking of ass..." Hattie's eyes expanded as one hand fumbled to find a biohazard stamp. She slammed it down so hard that Lucent logos formed beneath the coffee cups.

"It's not like I write bad. We've sent this to how many -- fifty, sixty? And waited how long -- thirty, forty months now? I'm willing to rewrite just to get the ball rolling."

"I'd rather be reincarnated as kitty litter. Hold that, this query is kitty litter, soiled kitty litter. Who spells persnickety with a Q?" Hattie scribbled "NO" on it and picked up another query.

"I'm at my last straw. Either you send my novel out to EE or else I find a new agent." Absinthe stopped hunching like her husband told her.


"I insist." Absinthe squeaked.

"You insist? What for? He'll rape plotlines, parboil your hero, bimbo-fy our heroine, and crap out some supermarket drivel with delusions of Grisham!"

"It's my decision, please."

"OK, I'll send it to EE, my ex-husband. It's your lamb to slaughter... Humph! This query is brain schmaltz masquerading as foot fungus."

--Dave F.


WouldBe said...

I was wondering how she knew about the steam room. Ex.

Anonymous said...

Hattie's eyes expanded as one hand fumbled to find a biohazard stamp. She slammed it down so hard that Lucent logos formed beneath the coffee cups.

The above was worth the price of admission!(Hey, I'm paying for broadband now!)

I wonder if EE has a Bio-hazard stamp? Maybe we could all chip in and get him one for Xmas??


Julie Weathers said...

Sheesh, no wonder EE dumped that viperous woman. He could have been traumatized and turned mean with all that venom.

Dave F. said...

And "viperous" is a compliment for her.

fairyhedgehog said...

"he smells like butt crack in a steam room" Cruel, very cruel.

Can you get sacked from someone else's blog?

ril said...

Oh my. The agent from Hell.

Is Lucent still around...?

Well done!

sylvia said...

I love your similes in a "why did he put those pictures into my head" sort of way. A perfectly believable evil agent - she makes EE look tame!

Dave F. said...

There's a inside joke here. Snake Mountain is the home of Skeletor from HeMan and the Masters of the Universe.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Ah. Snake Mountain. Now I see.

Love the ex-hubby thing, too. Very funny, Dave!