Sunday, November 16, 2008

Uncooperative Agent 5

“Evil Editor is the only editor who accepts epic fantasy now.” I tried to keep my whining to an acceptable level, but it was hard to see nineteen years of work going down the drain just because he had to compare my agent’s boobs to luscious, firm, ripe…maraschino cherries. Why couldn’t the drunken fool have said melons, or grapefruits or anything besides cherries? Why did he even have to mention her boobs?

“Yes, I know he asked you where a forty-year-old woman buys training bras.” I laid my head on my desk. “I know he asked you what bras train your boobs to do besides play dead.”

I went to do laundry and came back to the phone to listen to the remainder of the Evil Editor speech. It always lasted exactly twenty-nine minutes. I still had time to do my nails.

“I don’t want to cut it down to 60,000 words and call it a young adult. I’ve been working for six months to get it down to 135,000. If I get him to apologize to you, will you submit to him?”

I sighed. “No, you don’t have to submit to him that way. Heaven knows I would put on a collar, a rhinestone leash and a corset if he would just apologize to you, but I just want you to submit my work.”

I showed up at Evil Editor’s house the next day. It meant spending my life savings and not going to Surrey next year, but it was worth it to find out where he lived. I knew he was in the house. I got out my guitar, my learn to yodel in thirty days tape and I waited.

He would apologize or I would learn to yodel and I didn’t care which.

Insane people never care.

--Julie Weathers

12 comments:

Sarah Laurenson said...

LOL

Ah, the pleasure of yodeling for the Evil Overlord.

Nice one, JW!

Dave F. said...

"besides play dead"
Now that's always a winner. If you ever say it to a woman, make sure you have a bodyguard nearby and a chair and a whip in hand.

WouldBe said...

So, you caught EE on a good day. :)

Anonymous said...

I sighed. “No, you don’t have to submit to him that way. Heaven knows I would put on a collar, a rhinestone leash and a corset if he would just apologize to you . . .

The above was exquisite, and the whole thing was a bouncing ball of double-entendre . . . make that two(including the link)!

Meri

Julie Weathers said...

Sarah, oh, yes. What a pleasure that would be. I know he would love it also, don't you?

I can see his eyes sparkling with happiness at this very moment just contemplating it.

Thanks.

Julie

Julie Weathers said...

Dave, you are a wise man. Methinks you are familiar with this.

Julie

Julie Weathers said...

So, you caught EE on a good day. :)

Any day EE gets caught is a good day.

Julie

Julie Weathers said...

The above was exquisite, and the whole thing was a bouncing ball of double-entendre . . . make that two(including the link)!

Thank you, Meri.

It was a lot of fun. I had forgotten how much I enjoy these little get aways.

Julie

fairyhedgehog said...

Very funny.

ril said...

Ooh, yodelling. Totally unexpected and discordantly funny! Well done!

sylvia said...

Very funny. I loved the description of what he told the agent: talk about worst nightmares! Great stuff. I bet he doesn't last 30 days.

Anonymous said...

Hi Julie,

How's Janet?