Saturday, May 31, 2008
New Beginning 507
I killed for the first time when I was fifteen. I could have done nothing to prevent it, except die myself. A shadow fell in step to me on the street and ten minutes later I was in the ring, the same cold, dirt-floored pen they used for the dogs, one hand tied behind my back and the other holding a knife. I had to kill or be killed. Not much of a choice, although I didn't know it then. I didn't know it for a long time, in fact. Because whether or not it was against my will is irrelevant. I've done other kinds of killing since then: mercy, revenge. Downright murder, even. It all feels the same, if you ask me. Taking another man's life is a little like taking your own. You still die. It's just slower.
"Uh, you were right all along, pal. You were here first. My mistake. Please, do take that last Danish."
Opening: freddie.....Continuation: anon.
"Uh, you were right all along, pal. You were here first. My mistake. Please, do take that last Danish."
Opening: freddie.....Continuation: anon.
Friday, May 30, 2008
New Beginning 506
The nurse blows a puff of smoke over Johnny’s head, then tosses the burnt nub into the parking lot. “You may have a drag,” she tells Johnny, “after you’ve been cleaned up, stitched up, and paid up.” She squeezes his cheek and deposits him at the paperwork counter. Johnny thinks this squeeze is friendly. Friendly isn’t too far from sexy, so he decides to skip the paperwork.
Johnny limps back into the parking lot and sees the nurse smoking a cigarette with another woman. They are passing it back and forth. He wonders what else they share. As he walks over, he feels their eyes all over him. He stands between them and takes off his jacket.
“Your shirt is all wet,” the nurse’s friend says. She rubs her hand down the length of his arm.
"The ditch was wet," Johnny replies. "Great vacation, huh?" He laughs.
"You poor thing," the nurse calls him, and blows smoke from the corner of her mouth. Johnny likes the contrast of the gray against her lipstick. She puts her hand on his thigh. "And you must also get that leg fixed."
The nurse and her friend take an arm each and guide him back inside. "Let the doctors take care of you first," the friend says.
The nurse lights a cigarette and says: "Then we take care of you. We make sure everything is working, yes?" And she winks.
"Jesus," Johnny thinks. "No wonder the French healthcare system is the envy of the world."
"Alors! You have a fracture of the skull." The doctor sniffs, glances at his watch and crushes out his cigarette. "Come back tomorrow. Now it is already five o'clock and I am finished for the day."
Opening: Chris Eldin.....Continuation: anon
Johnny limps back into the parking lot and sees the nurse smoking a cigarette with another woman. They are passing it back and forth. He wonders what else they share. As he walks over, he feels their eyes all over him. He stands between them and takes off his jacket.
“Your shirt is all wet,” the nurse’s friend says. She rubs her hand down the length of his arm.
"The ditch was wet," Johnny replies. "Great vacation, huh?" He laughs.
"You poor thing," the nurse calls him, and blows smoke from the corner of her mouth. Johnny likes the contrast of the gray against her lipstick. She puts her hand on his thigh. "And you must also get that leg fixed."
The nurse and her friend take an arm each and guide him back inside. "Let the doctors take care of you first," the friend says.
The nurse lights a cigarette and says: "Then we take care of you. We make sure everything is working, yes?" And she winks.
"Jesus," Johnny thinks. "No wonder the French healthcare system is the envy of the world."
"Alors! You have a fracture of the skull." The doctor sniffs, glances at his watch and crushes out his cigarette. "Come back tomorrow. Now it is already five o'clock and I am finished for the day."
Opening: Chris Eldin.....Continuation: anon
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Book Chat 3: Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer
Book Chat 3: Stephenie Meyer/Twilight
Kiersten said... I thought I'd start out with a very brief background on Meyer and Twilight, if that's okay. It's pretty interesting.
Yank in Scotland said... Hi from Scotland, where it's 11pm and still (just) twilight.
(I love summer.)
Kiersten said... So, aspiring writers, prepare to pull your hair out by the roots in exasperation. Stephenie Meyer, young stay at home mom to three small boys, woke up one morning with a very vivid dream still in her head--two people sitting in a meadow, talking about how they were falling in love with each other and this was bad because the boy was a vampire. So she started writing. And kept writing. And--I kid you not--six months later she had a finished manuscript, Jodi Reamer at Writers House for an agent, and a book that sold at auction for $100,000.
Evil Editor said... And then she wrote Twilight.
Kiersten said... Ha ha, EE, the book was Twilight. Sorry.
YiS said... Wow, I didn't know that. Good for her! -
Robin S. said... That must have been one vivid daydream.
Kiersten said... Yeah, she said she couldn't get the image out of her head, and after she wrote it down she started crafting a story around it. That dream is now chapter thirteen of the book. She currently has legions of fans rabidly devoted to her, and each of her four books (three in the twilight series, which will conclude this summer with the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, and an unrelated sci-fi book, Host, that came out at the beginning of May) have hit #1 on the NYT Bestseller list.
sylvia said... *turns green*
Robin S. said... Maybe we should take a page out of her book, and write about our, um, dreams.
Kiersten said... You dream EE is a vampire?
sylvia said... My dreams are way too bizarre for public consumption and I'm not convinced that Robin's are ready for prime time ;)
Robin S. said... And yeah, Sylvia- mine are, you know. Well, you know. they might well be bestsellers, though. Maybe I'll add a chapter to mine. Anyway- back to Twilight.
Kiersten said... Other biographical info on Meyer that actually plays pretty heavily into the narrative is that she is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka Mormon). So, if anyone is interested in how that influenced aspects of the novel, I'm a good resource ; )
YiS said... Kiersten - actually, I *was* wondering about how her religious background may have influenced the novels, so please do tell.
Robin S. said... OK - I already have questions - but I'll wait - because I'm good.
Kiersten said... No, please ask! I just wanted to give the background first of all so that we could all scream out our frustration that some people really are overnight successes in publishing and because I think it's interesting. Did any of you see that Meyer was recently named one Time's 100 most influential people of 2008. ??
Evil Editor said... Before we discuss what's so good about it, here's what I didn't like about the book (which I read on planes and in airports). I think there's way too much detail in the first two thirds. Every little thing anyone says or does is reported. Then at the end, she writes off the villain in one sentence: Alice and (forgot name) took care of him. How about some detail on defeating this fearsome vampire? Also, while I'm not as anti-adverb as some, I stopped counting adverbs when it went over 2000.
Kiersten said... Oh, don't worry EE, I'm actually not a rabidly devoted fan. I have a LOT of criticism of these books. Meyer is interesting because she writes sci fi and fantasy almost action free. She focuses so much on how her characters are feeling and the relationships that action is relegated to a distant second. I mean, she creates these awesomely powerful creatures and doesn't even describe their fight? In a later book she does describe a fight between two vampires, but she definitely is not good at writing action.
A. said... I agree with EE. I love Meyer's books and think she's great at making us care about her characters... but she has a tendency to over write.
Kiersten said... She is definitely WAY over descriptive. And she is very repetitive--my fifteen year old brother suggests a fun game of counting how many times Bella stops breathing or describes her heartbeat. I guess you could even make it a drinking game if you were so inclined.
sylvia said... I really disliked the beginning of the book - if it wasn't for the bookchat, I don't think I'd have bothered to continue. The protag was just so whiney and unhappy about everything. It wasn't just that she hated Forks but her entire tone towards her mother and her father and the weather. It wasn't until she started to focus in on Edward that the story started to work for me.
YiS said... My main gripe about Twilight was: oh, let's have a baseball game in the storm. Fun baseball game. Oh look, here are other vampires coming to see us. We must protect Bella. Oh no, here is a very bad vampire. Oh no, he wants Bella.- and that's basically what triggers not only the denouement of this book, but the action of the next two. Seemed awfully random.
A. said... Okay... personally, I enjoyed the baseball game :) My biggest gripe mirrors Sylvia's... Bella is a bit on the helpless side, and Edward doesn't help her gain independence by protecting her every second of the day...
sylvia said... I didn't mind the other vampires showing up (they did talk about them earlier) but I did feel a bit "Huh?" with the whole "He's a tracker" thing. I never quite understood what that was supposed to mean, other than that they knew he'd be obsessive.
Evil Editor said... I was glad something triggered something. I wasn't happy they were going to play ball because it seemed like filler, but it actually started the plot moving finally.
YiS said... EE - fair point, but the huge significance seemed to, er, come out of left field. In three pages of dialogue, it goes from 'baseball game' to 'BELLA IN HORRIBLE DANGER RUN RUN RUN'. -
Kiersten said... Yeah, it is surprising how long it takes her to get to the baseball game/threat that moves the plot forward from "Oh, let's talk about what my favorite gemstones are because that's how you know if you love someone." Here is my main criticism of the book: I think Bella and Edward's relationship is very destructive, co-dependent, and actually has most of the warning flags of an abusive relationship. And young girls all over the country fantasize about Edward and how romantic it is. Also, here is how their relationship develops: Edward: "Oh, that girl smells so good I want to kill her. I better not." Bella: "Wow, he's really hot but he looks like he hates me." Edward: "I can't read your mind, how fascinating." Bella: "He's still really hot and he doesn't hate me any more. I love him. I think he might still want to kill me and he keeps giving criptic hints that he's dangerous, but I don't care because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE ONLY HAD FOUR CONVERSATIONS!" Edward and Bella: "We love each other."
Robin S. said... Yeah, Kiersten- this is the dangerous bad guy with a heart of gold thing. Which in reality - bites.
Kiersten said... That's what bothers me about it, Robin, is WHY it appeals. Let's look at it this way: Say Blondie meets a new guy at school. He's incredibly moody--one minute, he acts like he hates her, the next he's flirting, but there's always a subtext to his conversation with him hinting that he's dangerous and could hurt her. They have maybe four, five conversations, and Blondie decides she doesn't care what is wrong with him, she loves him. Even if it means being with him could get her hurt or even killed, she doesn't care. Then, after all of this, she finds out he's been sneaking into her room at night watching her. This is the point where you CALL THE POLICE. Being stalked is neither sexy nor romantic.
Robin S. said... Yep. Actually- we've come close to that - with Robin Jr. A real asshole. So many women deal with this - that the bad guy is the exciting one. When he's really just a big ass. I agree. Not a good signal for young women. But it obviously DOES appeal - some things never seem to change.
sylvia said... I can see Kiersten's point but that's a big seller in romance novels in general, really. The whole love/hate mix and "I should stay away from you but I can't." Having accepted that the book was focused around her wanting to sleep with him (guess she better watch that time of the month), it didn't particularly bother me that it wasn't a healthy relationship. To an extent, that was the point.
Robin S. said... I thought (no kidding) this book was a long and plotted piece of foreplay.
sylvia seid... I'm laughing aloud re: the drinking game. I did enjoy the book once she perked up - although I can see Robin's point about it being a long piece of foreplay. I did feel frustrated that it took AGES to find out if his desire for her was JUST blood or actually sexual at all.
Robin S. said... Bluntly- I think the foreplay aspect is the reason it best sells. The dream she woke up with gives me a big hint - that may well be true. I'm not saying it wasn't a fun read, (and there was the enjoyment factor thing)-but not my usual cup of tea. Kudos to S.M. for her success. It was obviously a successful dream that appeals to a bajillion females.
Kiersten said... Ah yes, the foreplay aspect. I guess this is part of the appeal to teenage girls. Bella's mom moves across the country and Bella lives with her dad who watches sports or is gone ALL THE TIME and doesn't notice that she has a boy in her room all night every night. But since Edward won't sleep with her, the threat/menace of sex is removed and replaced entirely with romance/foreplay, making it "safe." As far as James' abilities, I don't think she had that figured out very well in this book, because in the next couple of books she kind of scrambles to explain different vampire's special abilities. James is apparently a very good tracker.
YiS said... Kiersten - I wasn't paying close attention to the vampires' abilities but there did seem a whiff of (as I believe the HP fans say) retconning. Which is completely understandable; unless you have every last world detail plotted out, things are going to need changing. But the vampire superpowers did get a little too convenient, sometimes, esp. in later books.
Robin S. said... The sleeping together every night with no touching. That's when the foreplay aspect REALLY took off for me. Bluntly - that boy wouldn't have made it through the night with me, virgin or not at the time, without some action. And I think that's what most young girls are thinking - not just not-young-girl me.
Kiersten said... Ah, Robin, this is because you weren't raised Mormon, where sex is an absolute and complete NO until you are married. So having that physical closeness without actual intercourse is a Mormon girl's dream come true. She's not actually breaking any rules. Granted, Bella is not a Mormon, but Meyer is, and I think that Bella is pretty much Meyer as a teenager.
Robin S. said... But I was raised Catholic - back in the day- the strictures were just as strict. (We had the nuns and the priests and all the confession crap, you know.) I still did what I wanted. I think basically no religion would've stopped a person like me from doing precisely what I felt like doing. And again I say- Steph may be a traditionally-thought-of good girl in public- but her dreams are betraying her actual wishes. (And I'd kill if mine did the same. But mine are nastier.)
Kiersten said... lol, Robin. It's true. I have very violent stories in my head that I'm too embarrassed to write because of what my mom might think.
sylvia said... Hmm, I was like Bella tbh. My first serious boyfriend was happy to cuddle and snuggle up for hours. The next guy I dated assumed getting into bed together meant sex - I was shocked and disappointed. So I can see the appeal in that - and I would have, at the appropriate reading age.
Kiersten said... Sylvia, excellent point. Because really, other than that he can't read her mind, what does Bella have going for her? She's moderately smart. Not talented, not outgoing, not athletic, very insecure, not especially pretty...pretty much you are left wondering why DOES he like her?
Robin S. said... Yeah- why DID Edward like her? The scent started it, right? This thing where it's the girl's fault she's attacked again. Hmmmph.
Kiersten said... Yes, Robin, exactly! Classic abuser!
A. said... I think we have to remember that the narrator is Bella and she has a very low self-image. I imagine she has to be better than she thinks she is. All the other boys at school seem to be into her, so she must be desirable in human ways.
sylvia said... I think a. is right as well in that Bella is narrating so of course she'll constantly be putting herself down. But it would be nice if Edward had something specific that focused him on her, other than her blood scent.
Evil Editor said... In Homicide My Own last month we were saying ewww when a 14-yr.old girl was involved with a 30-something guy. What about Bella and a 108 year old guy?
Robin S. said... EE- I never thought about the age difference - as Edward was 'still' 18. sort of.
A. said... Well, EE, to be fair... Edward can't really date girls his own age :) Yuck.
Evil Editor said... But mentally and emotionally Edward is not a teenager.
Kiersten said... No, and I think Meyer tries to get around that with her assertion that Bella is an "old soul" and really mature. But really, where is that demonstrated? None of her actions seem very mature to me.
Robin S. said... True, EE. He's crafty. Eternally young. And a bad guy. And hot. And he'll never be not hot or have a poochy belly. Damn. He's perfect. Bring on the nibbling.
sylvia said... I did think about the "age difference" - his experience and worldly knowledge so outstripped hers. That bothered me more really as between that and superspeed and reading the thoughts of people around her, there wasn't any real balance between them. "Yeah, but you make me laugh."
A. said... I think it's difficult to say what Edward is mentally and emotionally. No, he's not really 17. But on the other hand, he's never had a real relationship, either. It's new to him, too. He also socializes with other humans very little. His only real experiences past the age of 17 have been with other vampires...
Evil Editor said... He's old enough to know what's really important in a relationship. Technically, he's an old geezer.
A. said... I find it interesting that these books appeal to women of all ages. Have you ever been to a Meyer book signing? My mother is a high school teacher and we took some of her students to a signing here. There were hundreds of screaming teenagers, but there were also plenty of older women, as well.
Dave F. said... I'm late to the discussion. I made it 15 pages into the book, FOUR TIMES.
Kiersten said... Ha ha, Dave, you are definitely not the target audience.
Dave F. said... Knew that. I usually can force my way through a book. Worse, I have a niece who had a baby at 16. I look (with good reason) poorly on older guys and teen girls.
sylvia said... I dug into the book about halfway through I think - stayed up late to read more. I ordered the next book on the basis of that, but I'll be really annoyed if her balance issues don't get dealt with soon!
Kiersten said...Sylvia, New Moon will make you want to scream in frustration. It is NOT good and Bella is a freaking co-dependent IDIOT. But Eclipse is better.
Evil Editor said... Are Bella and Edward the stars of all the books?
A. said... EE: They are the main characters, but there are plenty of other characters who become important. I read in an interview of Meyer's that she's wrapping up the Edward/Bella story in the fourth book and will then focus on some of the other characters more.
Kiersten said...Yes, Bella and Edward are the focus of all of the books.
YiS said... EE - yes. (Well, the first three, but the fourth is the final told from Bella's pov, so I'm guessing it's all about Her And Edward TLF.) And there will also be Twilight retold from Edward's pov (!). -
Kiersten said...Let's talk about all of the descriptions of killing her that are given in rape terminology. Vampire stories are classically about sex, anyway, right? When Edward is talking about the first time she came into the room and he says, "It was all I could do not to lure you into the woods and take you right then." Hello, take you? Yikes. So if you are going for the whole sucking blood as sex metaphor, he basically wanted to rape her the moment he met her, but then when he got to know her he fell in love with her instead, so he could keep it under control. I know that teenagers won't read this much into it, but it really does kind of disturb me.
Robin S. said... EE, do men wanna be bitten by a hot woman? Be honest. Remember - we don't know who you are.
Evil Editor said... No, we don't. It hurts.
Robin S. said... That's what I thought, EE.
sylvia said... I'm not convinced you have to like the idea of being bitten to like the tension brought up by his desire and denial of her blood.
sylvia said... I spent half the book convinced that Bella was supernatural (and that Forks/Charlie was the key). It answered so many questions - Forks weird micro-climate, her parents being so not-parent-like, balance issues, why he can't read her thoughts AND what he sees in her. I mean, I'm not saying I wanted her to turn out to be a zombie or anything, but...
Dave F. said... Beware of that little seduction game. He says: "I'm going to respect your wish for no sex." His actions are to get her hot, bothered and naked. Then as we all know, things happen.
Kiersten said... Sylvia, in later books there are hints that Bella is unusual in some sort of way, but she doesn't have powers or anything.
Kiersten said... A, Meyer has explained that by saying when she grew up in Phoenix no boys noticed her, but when she went to school in Provo, Utah, she was a lot hotter because of the comparison. Which is weird, because I went to BYU, and you will never find more cute, perky, thin, absolutely dolled up girls. Because they are all looking for husbands. Anyway. That's how she justifies why Bella is so desirable.
A. said... Well, it may be the new girl to a small town thing...
sylvia said... I had a friend who describes a similar experience, moving from Southern California to Idaho. I think big town -> small town move can increase attractiveness because you seem that much more worldly. Although that wouldn't work on Edward, obviously.
Robin S. said... You're totally on top of your subject - K. Good for you, girl! What a fun discussion. yep- the blood suck thing is foreplay while the suspense 'mounts', then the sex act, the taking of the flesh and blood - and it's an act of supreme selfishness. Like rape.
Dave F. said... Let ma also defend men. Even in gay novels where guy vampire creates guy vampire, it's not seduction or rape. The men in vampire stories are usually flunkies serving as feeding bags for the queen vampire.
YiS said... So, any bets on whether there's going to be an explanation for why Edward can't read Bella's thoughts, or is it going to remain a kind of vague indication that they are Meant To Be? Also, her father really becomes a cliche. Not Meyer working her A game. 'Hmm, I need him out of the way. There's a sporting event on! Again!'
Evil Editor said... It's her first novel. She had no A game.
A. said... The inability to read her mind comes up in later books.
YiS said... EE - true, but it doesn't get any better in subsequent books! Another item for the drinking game, maybe? -
sylvia said... YiS - thank you. And makes sense, but she MUST have had the further books in her head, considering all the stuff set up that must mean something - so the reader is waiting for the other shoe to drop. The references are too blatant to all have been just pieces of the first story that she decided to expand upon later, I think.
Kiersten said... Yeah, but she had to scramble to explain why Edward's power (and other vampires' powers) don't work with Bella, but Alice could see her future and Jasper could affect her emotions. I don't think she had that planned out.
YiS said... Sylvia and Kiersten - all the stuff about Jacob must have been planned from Book 1; it's all essential and tightly embedded. -
Kiersten said... Yeah, I think the Jacob stuff was planned.
Kiersten said... Yes, in later books it goes more into why he can't read her thoughts. I'm expecting a payoff with that in the last book, but I think it was just convenient for the first book and then she worked it more in the next books.
Robin S. said... Hey. I'm working my ass off to have an A game, Sparky. If I was good with a B game- it would already be out there. But now- I need to add some of my amazing night dreams - so it will best sell. Or - scare the living hell out of every agent in Manhattan.
Evil Editor said... Sharks. I keep telling you, add some sharks.
Robin S. said... Miss K - is the fourth book gonna wrap it all up? Will readers know all the answers?
A. said... Meyer has plans to write Twilight from Edward's perspective... I think that will be a far more interesting novel.
Kiersten said... Book four will resolve the will they or won't they question and wrap up their story, yes.
Robin S. said... And I agree- Sylvia- the foreplay doesn't need biting. Though eventually - it needs some kind of culmination. I assume that's part of what the series deal with.
Kiersten said...Robin, the sex issues are addressed a lot more in three.
Dave F. said... AS for writing your dreams. That's a good idea. Write from way deep inside your mind. Write the most sincere thoughts you have. It shows when you let the walls and barriers down that far and expose your "soul"...that sounds so hackneyed, cliche'd and trite. But it's true.
Dave F. said... I am guessing that Bella never becomes a vampire...
Evil Editor said... He would have had to make her a vampire to save her life if he hadn't been able to suck every drop of venom out of her bloodstream. Wouldn't some of that venom have gotten beyond Edward's ability to suck it out? They stood around long enough discussing what to do.
Kiersten said... I really can't see Meyer making her a vampire in the last book. I think something will happen that will be allow the good vampires to turn normal.
A. said... Really? I think Bella will be a vampire.
sylvia said... I didn't see anything in the first book to imply that any of them would want to be normal, does that change?
Robin S. said... Oh, crap - Dave- I hope you're not right!Do they HAVE SEX??? Ever? I mean, honestly. Sylvia.
A. said... Sylvia - they discuss the moral implications of being a vampire in the later books, but very little. The only one who I think would choose to be normal is Edward.
Kiersten said... A, Rosalee is desperate to be human. That's why she hates Bella. And Robin, the answer is no, not yet.
Evil Editor said... Does she hate all humans or just Bella?
Kiersten said... Mostly she just hates Bella, but it's because she envies Bella the opportunity for a normal life that Bella is willing to throw away, since Rosalie didn't get a choice.
A. said... Rosalie resents being made into a vampire, but I don't think she'd choose to be a human again. Vanity is her biggest weakness and as a vampire she is as beautiful as she'll ever be. I don't think she'd want to go through the aging process, etc. And she also wouldn't leave Emmett. In my opinion. And one of the reasons she hates Bella is because Edward loves Bella... but wouldn't accept her as his partner when Carlisle created her. Again... vanity.
sylvia said... I thought Rosalie's hatred/jealousy was pretty well explained, especially once Edward's rejection of her is brought into it.
Dave F. said... How does the book deal with killing people for their blood?
Kiersten said... Dave, they drink animal blood.
Evil Editor said... I didn't like the idea of the vampires killing bears and mountain lions.
sylvia said... I sort of liked the imagery of them wrestling bears for their blood - otherwise there was a good chance of romanticising the whole vampire thing to the point of losing the story tension.
Kiersten said...Yeah, EE, it's a little weird. Okay, Robin, that gets a lot more into the next books. But think of what Bella is giving up: She can never see her family again. She will have to pull away from them and leave her parents grieving for their only child. She will never be able to have a family of her own. Sure, she'll have hotty Edward forever, but she'll never be able to have children. I guess maybe that was just such a high priority for me that I think it would be tragic to willingly give that up. Also, everything that Edward likes about her is because she's human--becoming a vampire will change everything he likes/finds endearing or attractive about her.
Evil Editor said... Humans are a dime a dozen.
Dave F. said... Isn't that a little self-hatred on Edward's part? he likes all her non-vampire charateristics and would not be attracted to her "vampire" characteristics if she were to become one.
sylvia said... Dave F - that's a good point. It never occurs to Bella that by becoming a vampire, she could completely lose her appeal to him.
Robin S. said... Well, then, Edward really is a selfish ass if he only loves Bella for her human aspects - and not what she would be 'in total' - and I say - to hell with him. I hate jerkweed selfish angsty guys. (Mainly because I knew so many, back when I didn't hate them. As with most women - even if they think their personal case is different.)
A. said... I completely disagree that Edward would stop loving her as a vampire. It seems to me that his concerns are that a) she won't have a normal life with children, etc and b) she may be damned. Um, pretty good reasons to be hesitant if you truly love someone.
sylvia said... No - I don't mean he would actually reject her. But as insecure as Bella is, it's only just struck me that she's never thought that as a vampire, she's losing her scent and a number of other aspects that make her special to him.
Robin S. said... Good Lord. Sex drive is normal. Not having one - abstaining that long - is clinically strange. Robin S. said... OK- SO WHY IS THIS BOOK A BESTSELLER? I really wanna know. Because I'd never heard of it before it went on EE's list.
Evil Editor said... Who knows why books become bestsellers? This book and The Da Vinci Code get bashed all the time, for legitimate reasons, but can you really argue with massive sales?
Robin S. said... Massive sales. Hmmmm. It's a fence walk that's honestly screwing me up - trying to write for sales or write for what I think of as a well-written novel. Hope I get to find out.
sylvia said... Bestseller : I think it's romance for kids that don't have a handle on romance yet. Fast moving Gone with the Wind style but "urban fantasy" so it's not embarrassing to get caught with it. I ended up quite drawn in at some point - not in any kind of serious level, more like not being able to put the popcorn down. But still...
Kiersten said... Yeah, Sylvia, it's popcorn. If you don't overthink it, it's pretty fun. My first read through I really liked it. But when I started thinking about it afterward, so many aspects of it really bothered me. But like I said, this is romance for teenage girls. The more angst, the more drama, the better. Which, as adults, we know isn't true. Hopefully.
Dave F. said... People like to solve puzzles. That's why the DaVinci Code was popular.
sylvia said... The Da'Vinci code had me screaming at the book. I made my boyfriend read it immediately - as everyone I knew had loved it and I thought it was just me. Was so relieved when he started shouting at the book too (although "WTF are they doing to that poor Earl Grey?" still makes me laugh.)
A. said... Well, writing for sales probably never works. Besides, Kiersten told us Meyer wrote her book in a few months with no real intentions at first of having it published. I think a lot of it is luck. And a damn good agent.
Kiersten said... Okay, here's a HUGE pet peeve. This book is vaguely based on Pride and Prejudice. The next book, New Moon, on Romeo and Juliet. PLEASE can we stop treating Romeo and Juliet like a romance? Folks, it's a tragedy about how stupid adults and kids are and how selfishness destroys everyone around you. How applicable to Bella and Edward.
Dave F. said... Yeah, 14, 15, and 16 year olds are blind to everything when "love" is involved.
Kiersten said... Okay, does anyone care if we discuss spoilers for the next two books, or do you want to know?
Robin S. said... Go ahead with the spoilers, in my opinion. I'm not reading 2 and 3- and if I read 4 - it will be a speed-read. What's the dirt from books 2 and 3?
Evil Editor said... Spoil me.
YiS said... Okay, since we're going ahead with the spoiling - I wanted to smack Edward in book 2. He leaves Bella and then berates her for believing that he would ever leave her and not trusting in his awesome powers of vampire love. So the fact that she has insecurities - which, come on, she's SEVENTEEN - and actually thinks 'hey, he has good reasons for this' is her not being committed enough? Hey, I completely get the whole 'abusive relationship' thing now! -
Kiersten said... Okay, let's take a poll. How many of us wish we had made an eternal commitment to the person we were dating at seventeen? Me, I was dating a gay, drug addicted pathological liar. So I'd go in the no category.
Robin S. said... I can only remember the last names of two guys I knew when I was seventeen. I thought it was only me.
A. said... No, I certainly wouldn't want to be with the guy I was with at 17. But he wasn't Edward Cullen... Personally, I have a bit of thing for Jasper, even though he does attempt to eat Bella in book 2 :)
sylvia said... LOL I'm with you on that one Kiersten! But when I was 17? I sorta half thought that's what I should do. I wanted it to be forever. That fantasy aspect has to be very appealing at an age where feelings are so strong and everyone is telling you that everything is temporary.
Evil Editor said... I have to go. However, I'll leave comment moderation off so the discussion can continue. Sorry, unavoidable.
sylvia said... I don't think it would be possible to write something like that if you didn't still have the fantasy, though.
sylvia said... Aw, see you EE!
Robin S. said... Oh - EE. We'll miss you.
A. said... Actually, I should probably go, too. I have to study for the half of the bar that I didn't pass (failed by less than half a point... sheesh). That's why I haven't been around as much lately. I'll see more of you guys in August :) Have fun discussing the future books. So far, book 3 was my favorite. We learn more of the histories of the other vampires, particularly Rosalie and Jasper. I'm really hoping book 4 is fabulous (due to be released in August), but I fear it won't be, since she spent a good portion of the year dealing with her first adult novel.
Kiersten said... Good luck, A. The BAR is evil. Pure evil.
sylvia said... See you soon a. - get studying! That must be frustrating. Fingers crossed for book 4 (I guess the adult novel isn't out yet?)
Kiersten said... Came out a few weeks ago. The Host. Don't recommend it unless you loved these books.
A. said... Yeah, the adult novel was just released last month. If you think Twilight was overwritten, wait until you read The Host. It was pretty good for entertainment purposes... an easy, interesting read, but it's unnecessarily long. Meyer really doesn't like to edit :) Okay, really going now :) Good night!
Kiersten said... Bummer. Bye, EE Okay, New Moon. Edward leaves her after she cuts her finger at his house and Jasper wants to eat her. (PLOT HOLE: how on earth does Jasper function surrounded by fertile young women every day at school? Because periods? Blood. All the time.) Bella goes pretty much catatonic, doesn't do anything. She's LAME. Then she gets to be friends with Jacob and they have an awesome relationship, he helps her come out of zombie mode and just as he's leaning in to kiss her and she's wondering if she can move on from Edward... Alice comes back and Edward thought Bella was dead and is going to kill himself. Real healthy dynamic, these two. She saves him, blah blah, whatever. They are back together.
sylvia said... OK, I agree, that sounds awful.
Robin S. said... Why did Edward think she was dead?
Kiersten said... Because in an effort to feel alive, and because when she did stupid things she could hear Edward in her head yelling at her (no, this is not really explained satisfactorily) she jumps off of a cliff into the ocean. Alice saw this in a vision. But Alice can't see werewolves (and Jacob is a werewolf, btw) so when he saves her Alice doesn't see that. So Edward thinks Bella killed herself.
sylvia said... OH - that Jacob! sylvia said... I was thinking Jasper - that he had the same scent thing going on.
Kiersten said... Okay, that's the other frustrating thing--she builds up this love triangle between Jacob, Bella, and Edward. But as my sister said, she liked Edward and Jacob both better than Bella, and wishes those two would just get together. Bella has a much healthier relationship with Jacob, and even though I know she'll choose Edward because it's more romantic, I'd rather see her with the person that makes her happy instead of constantly miserable. I'm just weird that way.
Robin S. said... I liked Jacob better in the first book as well.
sylvia said... I like the idea of Edward and Jacob getting together!
Dave F. said... you would say that this is a teen girl book?
Robin S. said... Dave, I don't know about what Kiersten and Sylvia and others think- but I sure do agree- this is a teen book - in my reading experience.
Robin S. said...So- end of book 2- they're together? Book 3?
Kiersten said... Okay, Book Three... Edward and Bella are in LOVE. Bella's dad hates Edward. But they are in LOVE so they don't care. But poor Jacob is heartbroken. Edward forbids Bella to see him because werewolves have bad tempers (ahem...ABUSIVE) but she starts hanging out with him again. There's all this elaborate setup so that Bella ends up in the mountains on a freezing cold night and has to spend the night in a sleeping bag with Jacob while Edward watches. Then she is sleeping but still hears their whole conversation about how they both love her. Victoria comes to hunt down Bella, Edward kills her and a bunch of vamps she brought with her with the help of Jacob's werewolf pack. Bella and Edward are going to get married at the end of the summer because Bella doesn't want to be nineteen forever. Edward agrees to try to have sex before turning her into a vampire because she's worried when she's no longer human she will want blood more than anything else instead of wanting Edward more than anything else. The end.
Kiersten said... Absolutely a teen book. I'm leaving a lot of stuff out, but that's the book in a nutshell.
Dave F. said... Gee, the Dad doesn't like the boy his daughter is dating.
Robin S. said... Wow. No sex drive as a vampire? I thought Carlyle and Esme and others lived as marrieds. Does that just mean they share dishwashing duty? Who's Victoria? This is SOoooo protracted for a not-bog-plot. I say again. Foreplay. Titillation. Tantalization (if that's a word).
sylvia said... LOL ... aw. *shakes head* I wanted to slap sense into Bella at the beginning of Book 1 - I can see that's not an isolated occurrence.
Kiersten said... Well, in one scene Bella tries to seduce Edward and he wants to wait because he's an old fashioned guy. So he makes her agree to marry him first. Then in the end, he agrees to go for it right then, but she knows it's important to him to wait, so she agrees to wait until after they get married.
Robin S. said... And yet- as a mechanism for the aforementioned usefulness - reading this right before you turn the lights out - and dreaming of yourself-saving Edward from a forever without love blah blah thing - oh yeah. Let the fantasies begin. Ok- yeah- it's a bestseller.
Kiersten said... Btw, in case you didn't already know that Twilight fans are freaks, there is a fan site that made a replica of Bella's engagement ring you can buy in silver for $70 all the way up to platinum for $1200. People are weird.
Dave F. said... Talk about the teen ability to over-talk, over-analyze and over-dramatize. No decision is ever final, everything is up for discussion, endless discussion.
Kiersten said... Okay, any more questions? Any more things you want to discuss? Hey, it was fun. I like having things to think about besides what to make for dinner and how I have to wash Beast Boy's hair for the second time today because he rubbed ice cream in it.
sylvia said... See - that whole thing of I want you so bad I'm trying not to kill you - but I want you to promise you'll be mine forever first. Yes, ok, even as a teenager that would freak me out a bit - but as a fantasy, ooh la la :)
Robin S. said... Brit Boy has had one glass of wine- and, unlike Beast Boy- he;s still fussing. I gotta go. Thanks so much for doing this, EE and Miss K! I like these discussions a lot. And yeah, Sylvia--put into the real world, it's horrifying, but as fantasy it taps into a lot of day dreams that we all have but don't admit to. Yep- Sylvia- the old ooh-la-la dichotomy!
sylvia said...Yes, great job Kiersten. Was really good to get the background and understand how it wraps up. Also lots of points brought up that I hadn't noticed myself.
Kiersten said... I overthink things. Bad habit.
Well, the kids have lost patience. Thanks for staying up, Sylvia ; ) And thanks anyone who read through the whole thing. Yay for EE for giving poor bored housewives who have yet to get a fabulous book deal something to do.
Kiersten said... Also, disclaimer, should Stephenie Meyer or anyone related to her ever read this:
Yes, I think Bella and Edward have an unhealthy relationship and it bothers me, but I've still read all of your books. Three times. So what does that say about me?
Kiersten said... Goodnight!
Julie Weathers said... Good job, Miss Kiersten.
"dave conifer said... Kiersten (I mean, Key), nice job. I wish I could have been here but I enjoyed the way you presented this and I feel like I read it now......
Moth said... So, I'm curious. Do they do "it" at the end of Book 3 or is it a to be continued will they or won't they?
Kiersten said... No, they do not do "it" by the end of book three. They decide to wait until they get married.
Face-Lift 531
Guess the Plot
A Thief's Honour
1. Infamous cat burglar, Kitty 'Meaow' Felinski, vows to make amends for her life's misdeeds by returning all her stolen treasures. Donning her leathers and clutching her swag bag, she heads for the Louvre. But can she still swing it at the age of 77?
2. Czaretta Zigellva is on trial for her life. Her crime? Deflowering a young man, who happened to be the son of Dragbah's crime lord. Can she convince the judge she's blameless--without resorting to seduction?
3. Allan Smithee is an Internet plagiarist, his crimes too minor to attract attention--until he hacks into the British MI6 cryptography mainframe and copies a top secret encoded message. Now he must contend with counterintelligence operatives disguised as grammarians, a librarian with Nazi sympathies, and the vagaries of British spelling while trying to crack the code.
4. Master cat burglar Danny DeWilted can sneak into anyone's bedroom undetected and purloin whatever takes his fancy. But slipping into the boudoir of the hefty Eve Lavavoom to steal her pearls might prove a fatal mistake. Will his honour be tested by the pulchritudinous Eve? Or by her shotgun-wielding father?
5. "I wouldn't dream of keeping it," Nigel Codswallop declares as he flings back all the stolen swag from his burglaries. After all, that's what Catch and Release is all about.
6. After twenty years in prison, a master thief gets out and takes a job as a police adviser. When his daughter is kidnapped by someone who wants him to pull an impossible heist, he must risk his future--and his honour--to keep her alive.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor
Jenn was a master thief, unstoppable, uncatchable, until [he was stopped and caught.] a friend betrayed him. Now, after twenty years hard labour, Jenn wants revenge.
However, that former friend, Roland, is now a powerful lord who is not adverse [averse] to getting rid of people who annoy him, including a broken down ex-thief. [You've been in prison twenty years. You finally get out and someone you've never wronged wants you dead because you annoy him? If someone who hasn't seen me in twenty years still finds me so annoying he's willing to kill me, I'm resolving to stop ice chewing, knuckle cracking, and toenail clipping in public.] Jenn bides his time, rebuilding a life for himself by becoming a police advisor, [Jenn's job interview with the Police Human Resources Manager:
PHRM: Tell me about your recent job history.
Jenn: I've been working in laundry and license plate manufacture for 20 years.]
which brings him into Roland's social circle. [A powerful lord socializes with the cops?] It also brings him into contact with a young lord, who wants Jenn to help him with a burglary. Jenn agrees, believing it's the best way to keep his new friend out of trouble,
[Young lord: Life as a young lord isn't exciting enough. I've decided to become a criminal.
Jenn: If you get caught you'll spend 20 years at hard labor.
Young lord: But if I don't get caught, I'll possess someone else's property.
Jenn: Mind if I tag along?]
but their break-in attempt goes wrong, and Jenn finds himself facing trial for burglary and maybe murder.
[You're under arrest for burglary and maybe murder.
Maybe murder?
Depending on if that guy on the floor is sleeping with his eyes open or dead.]
He fingers the real culprit, Roland, [How does Jenn know Roland is involved?] who retaliates by abducting Jenn's daughter. Roland is a reasonable man though, he'll let her go, if Jenn does a little job for him -- break into impenetrable Haven, the one place that defied Jenn when he was young and able [and unstoppable except by Haven].
If Jenn refuses, he loses his daughter. If he tries, he could lose his freedom, his new friends, and everything he has worked to regain. [He could have lost all that for helping the young lord commit burglary, but he wasn't deterred.] And either way, his enemy benefits, unless Jenn can find [a way] to turn the situation to his own benefit.
A Thief's Honour is a Fantasy novel, complete at 100,000 words. Thank you for the taking the time to consider this. I look forward to hearing from you.
Notes
Why didn't Roland just abduct Jenn's daughter in the first place, instead of setting up the robbery?
It seems there should be something in your plot description to show what makes this a fantasy. Is there a character with magical powers? A fantastical creature? Something about your setting that isn't normal?
It doesn't seem reasonable that after 20 years of hard labor a guy who has gotten his life on track and is obsessed with revenge, would risk his future and his revenge to assist in a burglary that he doesn't care about. What are they trying to steal?
New Beginning 505
Thirty feet below the art gallery parking lot, Lacey McCrae pressed her back flat against the cement wall while a half tonne of steel cage rolled past her face. Trapped in a space barely wider than her hips, she looked out through rigid metal mesh at Wayne, the ex-Mountie who paid her to take these risks so he wouldn’t have to.
“Get in at that sensor,” he said. “I want to finish up and be out of here.”
Claustrophobic, she suspected. He didn’t like working in this underground vault, with its single exit and electronically self-locking elevator shaft. He liked narrow spaces even less. That’s why Lacey was the one in the cage.
Her elbows scraped against the walls as she struggled to get her arms up and reached for the motion sensor.
"That's it," Wayne told her. "Snap the cover off and pull the black wire." Lacey did as instructed. "Great. Now pull back the grille."
Sweat beaded on Lacey's forehead as she forced her fingernail into the edge of the ceiling air grille and pried it back. Dust scratched at her eyes and a small piece of card stock drifted to the floor.
"That's it!" Wayne said. "We're done. Hand me that card."
Lacey wriggled around and used her fingertip to hook the card.
"Perfect!" He reached out his hand. "It's sixty bucks to get your car out if you lose the ticket."
Opening: jeb.....Continuation: anon.
“Get in at that sensor,” he said. “I want to finish up and be out of here.”
Claustrophobic, she suspected. He didn’t like working in this underground vault, with its single exit and electronically self-locking elevator shaft. He liked narrow spaces even less. That’s why Lacey was the one in the cage.
Her elbows scraped against the walls as she struggled to get her arms up and reached for the motion sensor.
"That's it," Wayne told her. "Snap the cover off and pull the black wire." Lacey did as instructed. "Great. Now pull back the grille."
Sweat beaded on Lacey's forehead as she forced her fingernail into the edge of the ceiling air grille and pried it back. Dust scratched at her eyes and a small piece of card stock drifted to the floor.
"That's it!" Wayne said. "We're done. Hand me that card."
Lacey wriggled around and used her fingertip to hook the card.
"Perfect!" He reached out his hand. "It's sixty bucks to get your car out if you lose the ticket."
Opening: jeb.....Continuation: anon.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
New Beginning 504
I wish I didn’t have to tell my story in the first-person. To be honest, I wish I didn’t have to tell my story at all. My one hope is that my tale will somehow reach you. When it does, please don’t judge me. I am not crazy, paranoid, nor manic. I am simply a twelve year-old girl about to be executed for a crime that I did not commit.
I have been convicted of Murder in the First-degree. Yes, my killings were deliberate and premeditated. Yes, I feel no remorse for killing them. Yes, I would kill them all over again.
There is one problem; however, murder is defined as killing a human being. The Monroes were not human, they were vampires. But the prosecutor didn’t care about that. He had my fingerprints, my motive, and most important of all, my confession.
You might ask yourself, “How did they give the death sentence to a child?” Well, there’s sort of this “Technicality” as I like to call it. You see, I was born in 1896, officially making me 112 years old.
My name is Cleo. I am a vampire and a vampire hunter. This is my story.
Saffron stared despondently at the collection of pressed flowers on her desk. Oh, why did she always get assigned show and tell on the same day as Cleo the Overachiever?
Opening: R. Lyle Wolfe.....Continuation: Anon.
I have been convicted of Murder in the First-degree. Yes, my killings were deliberate and premeditated. Yes, I feel no remorse for killing them. Yes, I would kill them all over again.
There is one problem; however, murder is defined as killing a human being. The Monroes were not human, they were vampires. But the prosecutor didn’t care about that. He had my fingerprints, my motive, and most important of all, my confession.
You might ask yourself, “How did they give the death sentence to a child?” Well, there’s sort of this “Technicality” as I like to call it. You see, I was born in 1896, officially making me 112 years old.
My name is Cleo. I am a vampire and a vampire hunter. This is my story.
Saffron stared despondently at the collection of pressed flowers on her desk. Oh, why did she always get assigned show and tell on the same day as Cleo the Overachiever?
Opening: R. Lyle Wolfe.....Continuation: Anon.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Face-Lift 530
Guess the Plot
Weird Tattoos and Low IQs
1. Amateur sleuth Benny Collins has Down's Syndrome, but that doesn't stop him from taking on murder cases that have the police stumped. Also, weird tattoos.
2. A funny, poignant memoir which focuses on my teenaged sister's dating habits.
3. Why do so many young women get lower back tattoos? Why would a man have anime characters permanently inked onto his arm? And why do people choose tattoos in languages they don't speak? Homicide detective Zack Martinez ponders these questions and more while investigating the death of star basketball player Mkembe Balawa.
4. Mindy "Razor Mouth" Huggins details her descent into the hell of Mall Goth, a bizarre world in which a parent's credit card and no concept of appropriate attire are only the beginnings of extreme peer conformity.
5. Tattoo artist Truck Parker makes his living off the stupidity of youth. But when a busload of mentally challenged prison escapees arrives, all wanting tattoos of Einstein, Truck drives them across the Mexican border where tattoos are cheap--and human life is cheaper.
6. The only clues are the woman's tattoos: ostriches battling each other with swords. Can Bo Bumble, The Dense Detective, figure out where his teacher disappeared to before the bell rings, ending fifth period?
Dear Agent,
WEIRD TATTOOS AND LOW IQS, a 65,000 word Young Adult mystery, features Benny Cooper, an amateur sleuth with Down's Syndrome, whose disability outfits him with a unique perspective on solving crime. [What a dilemma. Normally I would mock this idea with exaggerated examples and sample dialogue from the book, but that wouldn't be PC. Or would those with Down Syndrome be more offended by my not giving them mockery equality?]
Benny loves "Wheel of Fortune," does a great Fonzi impression, and has dance moves that rival his idol, John Travolta's. [So far he's just like Evil Editor.] [These days, Travolta's lucky if he can squeeze through the door of a dance studio.] One thing he isn't, however, is a private detective—at least not until Benny's dysfunctional parents accuse him of his beloved MiMa's murder following his discovery of her severed foot.
[Benny: Mom, look, I found a foot.
Mom: Murderer!]
While the police seem to be stuck in a quagmire of paperwork and bogus leads, Benny takes an online quiz that tells him he is most like TV detective Dave Starsky and decides that he can and must find MiMa's killer. [According to an Internet description, Dave Starsky, was loud, brash, enjoyed street life and ate a diet of junk food. To me, this calls the validity of Benny's quiz results into question.]
At Siesta's Home for the Elderly and the Active, Benny delves into the dark underbelly of South Florida's retirement community where he befriends MiMa's secret lover, Henry. Confused but certain he is doing the right thing; Benny falsely accuses Henry and thus unwittingly ruins the relationship between Henry and his lifelong companion, Rose. Now, the police won't listen to a thing Benny has to say. [Now they won't listen?
Cop: This case is nothing but dead ends.
Captain: I guess it's time to bring in Benny Cooper.
Cop: Apparently you haven't heard. Benny broke up Henry and Rose at Siesta's Home for the Elderly and the Active.]
Captain: Damn. How about a psychic?]
What's more, Benny must learn to waltz, try to cope with his little sister's first boyfriend, track down a thieving cabbie, and keep his first secret all within a matter of months. [Three items per list, please. No more, no fewer.] Despite some bungling, [He's more like Inspector Clouseau than Starsky.] it is Benny's disarming demeanor that allows him to obtain secret information and turn his supposed disabilities into his greatest source of ability. [Killer 1: We did it. We robbed the bank, murdered MiMa, cut off her foot, and got away with it.
Killer 2: Hey, shut up! There's a guy right there listening!
Benny: I've always had a thing for blondes. Like you said, Feldman: Everybody deserves a second chance. Hutch do you got any more questions?
Killer 2: Whew. Okay, continue your boasting.]
WIERD TATTOOS AND LOW IQS seeks to give people with mental disabilities and their loved ones a protagonist with whom they can identify without examining societal implications. [You might put "without examining societal implications" at the front of the sentence so it clearly modifies the book rather than "identify." Also, it wouldn't be overly immodest to say "gives" instead of "seeks to give."] Like Benny Cooper, I am from South Florida where I worked with people with mental disabilities through the Special Olympics and a pen pal program. [No need for "Like Benny Cooper."]
Sincerely,
Notes
Certainly there is plenty of fiction featuring people with various disabilities making good. And certainly Down Syndrome isn't rare. And it's fiction, so even if it's unlikely Benny could solve a crime, who cares? However, while I know there's a wide variance in the cognitive abilities of those with Down Syndrome, I'm in the dark as to what percentage are young adults who could handle a detective novel. That would be the main concern: is the market big enough? And in the likely case that it is big enough, can you convince an editor that it is? If you're querying editors who aren't necessarily in the know, maybe a couple stats are in order.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Book trailer auction
The one-day auction of a book trailer created by EE got underway just after midnight, eastern time. As EE has no credentials other than the book trailers he created for his own books, this may not reach astronomical numbers. It's at this address.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
New Beginning 503
"You must get a lot of last minute customers?" Kyle blushed. It was 7:30 pm and his party was at 8:00. He looked around the costume shop. Nothing but plain brown boxes filled the shelves from the front to the back of the store.
"I can stay late to accommodate. Customer service in my fate." Multicolored, Day-Glo smiley-faces decorated the clerk's shirt. With its Peter Pan collar, voluminous sleeves and polyester sheen, neither Stevie Wonder nor Andrea Bocelli could miss seeing it. Ugly letters on his nametag screamed "Argyle." Harlequin costumes fill the flatscreen of the store's POS computer.
"Um, Argyle? I'd prefer black."
"You and Johnny Cash! I'm not Argyle. My name is Salvatore Gian-Carlo Benvenuti, Duncan for short." He reached under the counter and picked up a Groucho Marx nose, glasses and moustache.
"Say da magic woid and win a prize; black shall be your costume tonight."
"I'd prefer black, please."
"That's not it."
"If you please."
"That's three words."
Kyle glared at Duncan and sighed. "Abracadabra."
"Nope."
"Puffdoodle."
"Sorry."
"I've heard enough, Counselor." Judge Brandon Meredith cleared his throat. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, this case is dismissed. Based on today's testimony and the evidence put before me, it is clear that any reasonable man would have throttled the annoying bastard. "Mr. Kyle, you are free to go."
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: anon./ril
"I can stay late to accommodate. Customer service in my fate." Multicolored, Day-Glo smiley-faces decorated the clerk's shirt. With its Peter Pan collar, voluminous sleeves and polyester sheen, neither Stevie Wonder nor Andrea Bocelli could miss seeing it. Ugly letters on his nametag screamed "Argyle." Harlequin costumes fill the flatscreen of the store's POS computer.
"Um, Argyle? I'd prefer black."
"You and Johnny Cash! I'm not Argyle. My name is Salvatore Gian-Carlo Benvenuti, Duncan for short." He reached under the counter and picked up a Groucho Marx nose, glasses and moustache.
"Say da magic woid and win a prize; black shall be your costume tonight."
"I'd prefer black, please."
"That's not it."
"If you please."
"That's three words."
Kyle glared at Duncan and sighed. "Abracadabra."
"Nope."
"Puffdoodle."
"Sorry."
"I've heard enough, Counselor." Judge Brandon Meredith cleared his throat. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, this case is dismissed. Based on today's testimony and the evidence put before me, it is clear that any reasonable man would have throttled the annoying bastard. "Mr. Kyle, you are free to go."
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: anon./ril
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Face-Lift 529
Guess the Plot
Angel's Art
1. Turned down by the Met, The Frick, the Carnegie . . . even the Corcoran, for crying out loud . . . desperate artist Angel does what she must to survive and joins the slave army in the Thomas Kinkaid dungeon.
2. Angel's brain is half computer thanks to an operation that saved her life. Now she feels no emotions--until one day in art class her emotions return. Also, a half-cheetah.
3. All she is supposed to do is paint by numbers in the lines. But Lurael, the newest angel on world-creating duty, wants to do more. When she flexes her creative wings, will she get an okay from the Big Guy, or be clipped forever?
4. 45 years ago, Michael Angelo O'Reilly's mother gave birth to her darling son in front of Michaelangelo's Pieta at the New York Worlds Fair. Today, Mikey's unique shotgun/paintball splatter designs command the highest price, but his reputation will never rival that of Michaelangelo. He is so depressed.
5. All of the students at Little Angels Art School are just that . . . little well-behaved, good-hearted angels. Only little Johnny knows it's because Miss Gabrielle puts Valium in their Kool-Aid. When the Color-Inside-The-Lines art competition is announced, little Johnny knows he has to get rid of Miss Gabrielle. On the other hand, being on Valium feels pretty damn good.
6. John Tigotheles inherits the "paintbrushes" used by his famous artist great-grandfather, each a single feather of intense softness and unidentifiable species. When John tries to paint with the feathers, he produces masterpieces in the same heaven-themed style as his famous ancestor, but he suffers terrible nightmares about tormented children who say only John can save them.
Original Version
Dear Editor:
Science fiction draws in readers with worlds that are fantastic and yet plausible. Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game still remains a popular read more than twenty years after its creation. [If, as I suspect, you're sending this to editors who handle science fiction, you're not telling them anything they don't know.] My 60,000 word young adult novel, Angel's Art, takes the science fiction element into a familiar realm for young readers, the classroom.
Angel Morgan is a genius thanks to her half-computerized brain. But the novel operation that saved her life has also deprived her of emotions. That is, until she starts attending pubic school for the first time. [Pubic school? Did you do that on purpose just to make Evil Editor happy? Here we go.] [Pubic school: All Sex education all the time.] [Pubic school: it's where you go when you can't afford privates school.] [Mom: What are you studying in pubic school? Jane: The Vagina Monologues.] [I Googled pubic school. You wouldn't believe how many hits, and most of them accidents.] [On a whim I tried using Google to see if any universities had schools of pubic health. The Yale University School of Public Health website has a page devoted to alumni awards. Two excerpts: "Established by the AYAPH Board of Directors in 2006, this award honors an individual in public health practice or academic pubic health . . ." and "Determination of the final nominee is based on EMAC’s evaluation of candidates on the following criteria: 1. Leadership in the field of health disparities, cultural competency or diversity in pubic health.] [Googling pubic library gets a few hits and led me to this article. Note that this list of New Jersey libraries involved with the Laura Bush 21st Century Librarian program includes the Carteret Pubic Library. (Of course, you'd expect a library program named after Bush to be a pubic library. Da dum ching.)] [How does stuff like this stay online? Doesn't anyone ever visit these sites?] Between human-animal chimeras and English-impeded robots, Angel is almost overwhelmed with discovery. Imagine the worlds of J.K. Rowling and Isaac Asimov molded into one. [It's amazing how many Asimov titles sound intriguing when attached to Rowling's stock opening: Harry Potter and the Sensuous Dirty Old Man, Harry Potter and Still More Lecherous Limericks, Harry Potter and Space Garbage.]
Just as Angel is beginning to make friends and possibly feel her emotions again, her parents start talking about moving her to a private cyborg school. [As opposed to a pubic cyborg school. Ba dum ching.] At first, Angel wants no part of it, but soon she begins to develop suspicions that one of the students is somehow being controlled through illegal experimentation. [That word "but" suggests that you're about to say she eventually warms to the idea. Instead you follow it with something that has no obvious connection to the clause preceding the "but."] With her best friends, a human and a half-cheetah, at her side, [Is the other half of the half-cheetah human? Is it a human head on a cheetah body, or a cheetah head on a human body? I would rather have a cheetah body than a cheetah head. But that's me.] Angel is determined to discover what is going on, even if it puts her at risk of being deprogrammed.
I graduated from North Valley University in 2006 with a minor in creative writing. My debut story, Innocent Secrets, recently appeared in True Confessions magazine. I have enclosed a SASE, along with a synopsis and the first two chapters. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
[The title comes from the fact that Angel's emotions return to her during an art class.]
Notes
Let's hope this hasn't already gone out with the spelling error.
It's mostly the situation. It seems to me that the actual plot is dealing with the illegal experimentation. Yet that is given just a brief mention at the very end. Who's experimenting on whom and why does Angel suspect? If you get rid of the first two sentences and the one about Rowling/Asimov, you'll have plenty of room to tell us what happens in your book.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
New Beginning 502
Suenna.
The watchman guarding the gate--in between drinking and dicing with his friends--told me horses were forbidden the city. And then denied I had a place at the officers' school.
I showed him the letter, and he smeared it with greasy palms. While he puzzled, head bent, over the words, a youth in uniform, and leading two bay horses, approached. Where had he sprung from? I'd checked everyone leaving the Hippolita train to see if Della were among them; I couldn't have overlooked those covetable horses. They scented the air and stepped out lively. My horse's head hung low in defeat. Travel had begrimed the colours of the Aquilla in its mane, and they dangled like the flaccid fingers of drowned men.
The watchman shoved the letter back at me. "S'pose it's all right."
Why should anyone's word count for more than mine? Let the fellow mind the gate; that was his business.
"Till your brother finds out," the watchman added, with a snort.
“What’s all this?” A huge barrel of a man rolled up to us, his finger almost to the second knuckle inside his nose; only Zeus knows what he was mining for. Behind him trotted a wizened little runt with a short man’s scowl.
“Fella has a place at the officers’ school. Has papers.”
The barrel snatched the letter from my hands, smearing it with runny snot. “I don’t know,” he said. “Writing’s smudged bad, paper's greasy. Could be forged.” He turned to the scowl. “What do you think?”
Scowl took hold of the sheet and muttered, “Looks all right.”
I turned back to the watchman. “Then can I--”
“Be right back.” Scowl began to walk toward the gate.
“My letter!” I took a step toward him, but barrel blocked my way.
“I need it,” Scowl said. "You'll get it back."
“Where are you taking it?”
“Right over there," he sniffed. "I got to take a crap.”
Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: ril
The watchman guarding the gate--in between drinking and dicing with his friends--told me horses were forbidden the city. And then denied I had a place at the officers' school.
I showed him the letter, and he smeared it with greasy palms. While he puzzled, head bent, over the words, a youth in uniform, and leading two bay horses, approached. Where had he sprung from? I'd checked everyone leaving the Hippolita train to see if Della were among them; I couldn't have overlooked those covetable horses. They scented the air and stepped out lively. My horse's head hung low in defeat. Travel had begrimed the colours of the Aquilla in its mane, and they dangled like the flaccid fingers of drowned men.
The watchman shoved the letter back at me. "S'pose it's all right."
Why should anyone's word count for more than mine? Let the fellow mind the gate; that was his business.
"Till your brother finds out," the watchman added, with a snort.
“What’s all this?” A huge barrel of a man rolled up to us, his finger almost to the second knuckle inside his nose; only Zeus knows what he was mining for. Behind him trotted a wizened little runt with a short man’s scowl.
“Fella has a place at the officers’ school. Has papers.”
The barrel snatched the letter from my hands, smearing it with runny snot. “I don’t know,” he said. “Writing’s smudged bad, paper's greasy. Could be forged.” He turned to the scowl. “What do you think?”
Scowl took hold of the sheet and muttered, “Looks all right.”
I turned back to the watchman. “Then can I--”
“Be right back.” Scowl began to walk toward the gate.
“My letter!” I took a step toward him, but barrel blocked my way.
“I need it,” Scowl said. "You'll get it back."
“Where are you taking it?”
“Right over there," he sniffed. "I got to take a crap.”
Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: ril
Monday, May 19, 2008
Face-Lift 528
Guess the Plot
Flight of Faith
1. After Sherrie and Pierre witness a Shrimpocalyps, they have to face "Four-Eyes", the head prawn with flying surfboards, shrimp forks and lobster hammers. Can they make sushi out of the invaders? Or will Earth sail into galactic domination by crusty demons.
2. During a pre-Armageddon warm-up bout with the demon Azazel above Roswell, the angel Gabriel develops severe acrophobia. Grounded and pretending to be human, he must face his fears and soar back to heaven before the seraphim destroy the Earth searching for him. When he encounters a beautiful UFOlogist he realizes he's going to need more than a wing and a prayer to get back home.
3. A disillusioned young English woman heedlessly roams the lands of Europe and Asia trying to discover the spirituality within herself. But can she escape the arms of Jonathan Miller, who will follow her to the ends of the Earth for her hand in marriage? Does she even want to?
4. When an army of soul-eating demons is unleashed on a gardener, she heads for the hills, not realizing that the forces of primordial evil will find her wherever she goes. Is her faith enough to sustain her in her battle to save civilization from the entity known as . . . the Keeper?
5. Seth always trusted his mischievous brothers: Wibur and Orville. One day they brought Seth to the edge of a cliff and explained, "It's simple physics: You run fast, jump off the cliff, and flap your arms as fast as you can." Seth never achieved flight. In this Alternative History Novel I document the murder trial of Wibur and Orville Wright. Will their act of fratricide alter the course of human history, or will their wiley lawyer prove that Seth "Deserved what he got"?
6. A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk are the only passengers on a small airplane. When the engine fails, the pilot bails out. There are only 2 parachutes left. Hilarity ensues.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor:
If faith in a higher power gives much of civilization a reason to get out of bed in the morning, then what would happen if someone – or something – could extinguish it?
In FLIGHT OF FAITH, when a local man known for his devout faith denounces the church, Lia Danovin pays him a visit. In return, he tries to hill her. [To hill her? I think you mean to mount her.] And he’s not alone. [Every guy in town wants to mount Lia.] After a well-timed letter offers means of escape, Lia is forced to flee her quiet life as a gardener when the Keeper, tired of life in the underworld, unleashes his protégé and an army of soul-eating demons. [Unleashes them on Lia? Unleashing your army of soul-eating demons on Lia the gardener may seem like a good way to build their confidence, but if they succeed, big deal, and if they somehow fail, they'll never live down the humiliation. It's a no-win situation, like the New York Yankees taking on a T-ball team.]
As a fugitive, Lia meets Delina, an eccentric vagabond-warrior, and Tavoris, a demoted soldier, who lead her on a frantic search for guidance. [Hi guys. There's an army of soul-eating demons hot on my trail. Care to join me?] While the earth quakes, cities riot and citizens vanish, Lia must unite with four strangers against the primordial evil that somehow finds her wherever she hides. But even as the ancient powers of the world awaken to guide her, her four allies begin to crumble. [I think I can speak for Lia when I say, As long as you ancient powers of the world are awake, how about instead of offering me guidance you crush the primordial evil that keeps finding me?] Without them, Lia’s odds diminish - [Her odds of survival? Or of defeating the primordial evil? Is she trying to defeat the evil or just trying to escape?] and as she begins to question her own long-held faith, she unwittingly threatens the very bonds between civilization and its Maker.
FLIGHT OF FAITH, my first novel, is a completed, 85,000-word fantasy that explores the intricacies of faith, friendship and how the inexorable desire for love can backfire. The manuscript is available for your review upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Notes
What was Lia's purpose in visiting the guy who renounced his faith?
I don't get a good idea of why Lia is so important to the Keeper or what the stakes are.
Does the Keeper play a role after unleashing his minions? He seems to disappear from the query, even though he's the coolest character.
I'd either elaborate on the "well-timed letter" or leave it out.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Book Chat Auction
The book for the September book chat will be decided in the Brenda Novak Juvenile Diabetes Auction. It's a one day auction to be held May 29th (eastern US time). If there are those who can't get the book or can't afford it, and who wish to take part, I'm hoping a few of those who do get the book will be willing to read it early and ship it to someone who needs a copy. We'll let the author have input into the day and time of the chat, assuming he/she wishes to be present.
This month's chat on Twilight will be presided over by Kiersten, who has read the book three times and is an expert on it. I'll be there, of course, to make sure things don't get out of hand. Let's set up a date and time, Kiersten.
This month's chat on Twilight will be presided over by Kiersten, who has read the book three times and is an expert on it. I'll be there, of course, to make sure things don't get out of hand. Let's set up a date and time, Kiersten.
New Beginning 501
We all witnessed the kidnappings. No one truly saw them take the children away, but we knew whom to blame. All our towns' children, ages ten to thirteen, vanished in a blink's time. No one had that power but the witches in the south. Those evil magicians manipulated the heavens rode down on us under cover of cloud.
Lightning struck our lands, and thunder crashed above us, shaking the earth. The clouds grew darker and heavier, but not one drop of water fell from them. We first watched in amazement. Never before had we witnessed a storm without rain. Then those despicable witches poured down from the clouds in effortless flight.
They returned our children to us, confirming our suspicions. We scooped up the returned and fled to our homes. Back to their clouds and to the south, the sorcerers left without a word. Celebrations consumed us until the food ran short and our rejoicing grew tiring. We returned to our homes once again and finally had a chance for a contented rest.
The next morning we woke to a horror. Our youngest had begun vanishing, fading away before our eyes. Laughter erupted from the skies, and clouds to the south roiled without rainfall. This time the sorcerers forced us to witness their thievery.
Constable Sprackett finished reading the statement. He chewed thoughtfully and swallowed. "Let's run through the facts one more time, shall we?" he said. "A mysterious gang, consisting of magicians, witches and sorcerers, descended from a -- let me see -- laughing sky, and took away all the children. Just like that?"
"Yes, constable."
"Are you sure about this? Witches and all?"
"Yes, constable."
"Sign at the bottom, Mrs. Todd; we'll be in touch." He brushed crumbs off the table and slid the papers across. "These are delicious pies by the way; what's in them?"
Opening: Xiexie.....Continuation: ril
Lightning struck our lands, and thunder crashed above us, shaking the earth. The clouds grew darker and heavier, but not one drop of water fell from them. We first watched in amazement. Never before had we witnessed a storm without rain. Then those despicable witches poured down from the clouds in effortless flight.
They returned our children to us, confirming our suspicions. We scooped up the returned and fled to our homes. Back to their clouds and to the south, the sorcerers left without a word. Celebrations consumed us until the food ran short and our rejoicing grew tiring. We returned to our homes once again and finally had a chance for a contented rest.
The next morning we woke to a horror. Our youngest had begun vanishing, fading away before our eyes. Laughter erupted from the skies, and clouds to the south roiled without rainfall. This time the sorcerers forced us to witness their thievery.
Constable Sprackett finished reading the statement. He chewed thoughtfully and swallowed. "Let's run through the facts one more time, shall we?" he said. "A mysterious gang, consisting of magicians, witches and sorcerers, descended from a -- let me see -- laughing sky, and took away all the children. Just like that?"
"Yes, constable."
"Are you sure about this? Witches and all?"
"Yes, constable."
"Sign at the bottom, Mrs. Todd; we'll be in touch." He brushed crumbs off the table and slid the papers across. "These are delicious pies by the way; what's in them?"
Opening: Xiexie.....Continuation: ril
Friday, May 16, 2008
Face-Lift 527
Guess the PlotLizbah: Genesis Revelation
1. With the help of an oak tree, Lisbah sets out to disrupt the Circle of Time, in which the world is continually created and thus destroyed.
2. Lizbah's painstaking research leads her to a stunning realization: Cain didn't kill Abel! The real murderer is still out there, and only shy, stuttering Lizbah can stop him before he kills again.
3. All her life, Cornelia Lizbah has envied John Grisham's fame. Her literary endeavors, however, have been limited to the occasional rant in the letters pages of her local newspaper. Then she hits on a truly marketable concept: a severely abridged Bible for worshippers with ADD.
4. Forget Eve and Lilith--Lizbah is the true first wife of Adam, and she's determined everyone will know it, even if she has to travel back in time, defeat God, and rewrite scripture from scratch.
5. While reading Genesis, Lizbah, a precocious eleven-year-old girl, has a revelation: she was meant to be Eve. But starting a "Garden of Eden" club at school won't be easy. And choosing her Adam from amongst the obnoxious, gassy boys in her class will be even harder.
6. When Lizbah decides to read the Bible straight from Genesis to Revelation, she thinks she'll learn about God. What she learns is far more shocking, as she discovers that King James himself put a code into the scriptures, leading her to a secret too terrible to imagine.
Original Version
Dear E.E. McGhee,
Lizbah: Genesis Revelation
Destined to be a god, determined not to become one, and damned no matter which path she chooses: Lizbah sets out with four friends (one of which she created herself [A marionette.] ) to disrupt the Circle of Time. The Circle of Time is a perpetually repeating series of events in which the world is created, and thus destroyed in the end. [It's like the movie Groundhog Day, except that instead of every day being repeated, it's every twenty billion years. Apparently living through the same twenty billion years over and over gets really monotonous.]
With the help of an ancient Oak . . . Lizbah and her friends just might succeed in disrupting the Circle of Time. [You've already said they're out to disrupt the Circle of Time. This paragraph adds nothing except that they're being aided by a tree. And I'm not sure admitting that one of your heroes is a tree is a good thing.]
Complete with witches, warlocks, and warriors; the story of Lizbah will change how we view our past, present, and future. [A bold statement, but can you back it up with any evidence?]
Lizbah: Genesis Revelation is a completed 95,000 word fantasy novel. At your request; either a partial, or a complete manuscript will be immediately forwarded to you.
Thanks,
Notes
What is meant by the "world"? The Earth? The universe?
Why do they want to disrupt the Circle of Time? What happens if they fail?
Start over. Give us nine or ten sentences of the plot. Focus most or all of them on Lisbah. Who is she, what does she want, what's keeping her from getting it, why should we care?
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