Face-Lift 550

Guess the Plot

Monster Hunter Fraternity

1. Okay, it's not really a frat house, it's a tree house, where Jamie and his friends track Bigfoot and werewolf sightings, hoping to prove the existence of monsters. It was all in fun until the moon became full and stayed that way. Now the town's overrun with a mob of terrifying creatures that the boys must defeat . . . if they want to live.

2. When ten-year-old Billy McQuaid sees something strange going on in the abandoned orange groves near his suburban California home, he knows what to do: put together a team of kids who can help him investigate. But Ginny Fillmore wants to come, too, and she has a walkie-talkie set. Can they confront monsters and survive with a girl in the group?

3. Now settled across the US with families, mortgages, and desk jobs more mind-numbingly horrifying than they ever were, Frankenstein, Dracula, the Wolf Man, and the Swamp Thing decide to start a yearly retreat. While sitting on the back of a pickup truck, drinking warm beer and pretending to look for deer, the old friends reminisce about the good old days. But when Bigfoot stumbles across them, they'll have to reawaken the monsters within if they want to get home alive. Or undead, depending.

4. Sean and Brendan, a pair of exchange students, try to join Sigma Xi. Blackballed for being geeks, they seek revenge in a Guinness-fueled killing spree, only to find that Sigma Xi is home to a pack of zombies. Joined by fellow losers, they form their own fraternity, dedicated to destroying the zombies before the Physics Department becomes a brains buffet.

5. In a bid to get lucky, the virgins of Alpha Alpha Alpha adopt a manly-man "monster hunter" theme for Halloween, disguising the House, as well as themselves, in gladiator bondage style, which seems to be very exciting for the two dozen scantily clad whip-snapping Medusa sex-pots who join them. All signs point to a lucky night, until the lads realize those snakes are real.

6. Minimum: a Grendel. That's what it takes to get into the Monster Hunter Fraternity, to bag a monster. Lions are for sissies. Grizzly bears, for a girl scout merit award. Bob Lout really wants into the club. He has a plan to snag a vampire, but can he convince his wife, Bertha, to hang around the Drac Klub in a low-cut dress, offering up a jugular, just so he can get the coolest tie tack ever?


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I am seeking publication of my YA novel MONSTER HUNTER FRATERNITY. It is complete at 70,000 words.

At Monster Hunter Fraternity, a treehouse in Blafford Hills, Ohio, Jamie and his three closest friends research and track sightings of everything from Bigfoot to Werewolves, wanting nothing more than to prove the existence of real monsters. After two years of hunting, however, all they have is a grainy photo of something dark and furry [It's never a good idea to carry your camera in your underwear.] they saw in Black Rock Forrest, [Forest?] a picture mostly obscured by Jaime’s forefinger. [I think that was his middle finger.] [By the way, is Jaime Jamie? Or one of the friends?] But lately, Jamie notices something odd – that recent monster sightings are surrounding Blafford Hills – unaware that his weekend pastime is quickly turning more serious. [If he notices it, I wouldn't call him unaware. Besides, it's more dramatic if you finish the paragraph: His weekend pastime is quickly turning more serious.] [Even more dramatic: His weekend pastime has become a bloodbath rivalling in scope the Massacre at Wounded Knee.]

Jamie can’t figure out what’s attracting the creatures. Is it the new girl in class who looks like a vampire? Or the full moon which never seems to change? Whatever it is, monster sightings soon breach the town’s border – family pets are missing, and frightening noises can be heard throughout the night. [The dash suggests that missing pets and noises are examples of monster sightings. There are three different kinds of evidence, so use a comma.] As the town is overcome by a mob of creatures more terrifying than anything they’ve ever heard of, Jamie and his friends are forced into battle with them. When they discover what these creatures are after, a secret that’s been hidden in Blafford Hills for years, they in turn discover what it means to be true Monster Hunters – because their lives depend on it.

Thanks


Notes

I don't see the YA crowd wanting to read about four kids in a tree house talking about wolfmen. Maybe an actual college fraternity on a campus overrun by monsters. As it is, I'd put your audience in the 9 to 13 range, which makes this middle grade. Title: The Monster Hunters Club. As a middle grade book, I'd say it's a good query.

Is there a reason these kids, rather than adults with guns, are forced into battle with these creatures? I'm not saying there has to be a good explanation (especially if it's for a younger crowd), but if there is one, you might work it in. I assume it isn't the old story that none of the adults believe the creatures exist so it's up to the kids; when the town is being overcome by a mob of terrifying monsters, someone's bound to notice.

Geezer 1: Our town's been destroyed. Half the people are dead with their throats ripped out.
Geezer 2: My grandson says it's a mob of monsters.
Geezer 1: Cute. Got any pictures of him?

Cartoon 181

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Evil Ad 102

Book Chat 5 . . .

Book Chat 5: Connie Willis/To Say Nothing of the Dog

July, 2008

BuffySquirrel> ok, hands up who's read the book

BuffySquirrel puts up hand

DaveFragments> I have

Robin> Me.

Kiersten> Umm...I've started it. I'm really, really busy adding to my rejection collection.

BuffySquirrel> so, who liked it?

Kiersten> I like it so far.

evledtr> This book is a classic.

BuffySquirrel> anyone really didn't like it?

DaveFragments> I liked it but I found the detail tedious and I was 150 pages into it screaming "where are you going?"

BuffySquirrel> so, bit slow for you dave? I thought it moved along fairly fast given the wealth of detail.

DaveFragments> in the book, I did reach the point of wanting less "thoughts" more substance And I thought it took too long to explain what the Bishop's Bird Stand was.

BuffySquirrel> i agree, dave it did seem to assume that you knew what a bird's stump is

Kiersten> Yes, what IS a bird's stump?

Xenith> I thought that was part of the "mystery"

BuffySquirrel> a bird's stump is a flower vase. but the bishop's bird stump isn't a flower vase, it's ironical: that's the bishop's IDEA of a flower vase cos he wouldn't buy one

DaveFragments> It's a piece of ugly junk with flowers in it.

Kiersten> Oh. Not at all what I had pictured.

BuffySquirrel> i think that is a flaw. . . unless you are meant to wonder for pages and pages and pages where you're too engrossed even to go get the dictionary

Xenith> you don't get to see it until the characters see it on stage

BuffySquirrel> that's true, xenith

Xenith> though coming down the river was a bit slow

BuffySquirrel> but i was very busy laughing at the poor narrator not realising he had the cat

Robin> I loved it. And I didn't expect to. The dialogue in this was absolutely SO well done.

BuffySquirrel> and all the things that nearly happened to the poor cat! i bought my dad a copy and he loved it

Kiersten> Well, I wasn't expecting much after it was compared to "The Water Method Man" but it was MUCH more appealing than that book.

BuffySquirrel> so it's obviously been a hit with a broad readership

Robin> I liked it a lot - and it was a totally different kind of novel for me.

DaveFragments> I started my fast read that's like a scan - yes

Kiersten>I think it's the most charming and effective use of first person I've ever read. I've always found first person to be very self-indulgent, but I think Willis does it incredibly well.

BuffySquirrel> hmm, that's interesting kiersten. self-indulgent in that it's a projection of the writer?

Kiersten> yes, Buffy, either you feel like you are getting all of their thoughts or you just want the narrator to SHUT UP. This was entertaining. I couldn't do it. First person is exhausting. I wrote a short story (it got published even!) and I don't think I'll ever do it again.

Robin> I like first person if it's done well - if it isn't then I agree- yuk.

BuffySquirrel> i hate badly done first person. it gives first person a bad namE!

Xenith> when it's good, it's very, very good but....

Robin> Yep- this was GOOD first person.

Kiersten> I haven't even gotten to the part where he finally realizes he has a cat.

BuffySquirrel> but you knew, right?

DaveFragments> I wondered what was so special about that cat. That's the problem with the Slipstream time travel gimmick

BuffySquirrel> cat is a "misplaced object". . . . or not

Robin> I enjoyed that whole slipstream thing. It reminds me of the way we think.

DaveFragments> I understand the time paradox and what happens as alternate history, but the cat didn't seem to have any importance until she reveals she brought it from the past.

BuffySquirrel> i thought there was a fuss about the cat, with it being The Only Cat in the World ohmygod

DaveFragments> PArt of the payoff is the Butler telling off the daughter about "running with the in crowd" and not having opinions of your own

BuffySquirrel> my dad pointed out that it's quite wrong to compare the butler to Jeeves Jeeves was a gentleman's gentleman, not a butler

Kiersten> I did like the nurse in the beginning, going off on how much better use the money could be put toward. That's how I feel about a lot of people's pet projects.

Robin> Can I say that I loved the 'old timey' chapter set ups?

Kiersten> There were a lot of very funny asides. And the section when he is time-lapsed and getting ready and the victorian tutelage is blending with everything else was great.

Xenith> I liked the time-lagged stuff too Kiersten

DaveFragments> But they were timelagged because of Lady Sphincter (I hope that's her name)

Kiersten> Schrapnell, Dave dearest. A little different.

BuffySquirrel> Schrapnell cos bits of her fly off and hit anyone within range

BuffySquirrel> i thought the cat was Suspiciously Quiet i mean they said it was time-lagged, but it was Very Quiet for a Cat in a Basket

evledtr> I thought the seance was the funniest part, though I now don't remember why.

DaveFragments> Seance was good.

BuffySquirrel> almost every victorian book has to have its seance

BuffySquirrel> has anyone read Three Men in a Boat?

Xenith> yes

BuffySquirrel> did you think it had anything of the same feel?

Xenith> the stuff at the beginnings of the chapters didn't work very well

BuffySquirrel> you mean the short little introductions? i think those divide opinion a lot

DaveFragments> What's his name Cormac McCarthy does that chapter summary stuff too.

BuffySquirrel> i tend to skip stuff like that. Dune is full of it. i mean, why not just read the summaries and skip the novel?

Xenith> in 3 Men, the chapter summaries added something, often that wasn't in the narrative whereas in this one, they were just alist of things that happened

BuffySquirrel> i think that's a good point

Robin> I love the quotes and the chapter sum stuff. And the humor tossed in throughout - without fanfare.

DaveFragments> I think it is pretentious and silly to add "stuff" to the beginning of chapters.

Robin> I like it - it sets it up for me. I read the ends of books first. I like knowing.

Kiersten> Beginning of the chapter asides sometimes frustrate me because I spend the chapter trying to find the information.

Robin> OK- so I'm the only one who liked the way this was structured?

Xenith> structured?

Kiersten> I didn't dislike it.

DaveFragments> I've read chapter summary stuff that bears no meaning to the story. It's just there to create atmosphere (I hate that gimmick)

Robin> I mean- the set up of the chapters, etc.

evledtr> I didn't read the opening chapter lists, but it didn't bother me that they were there, as I assumed it was a nod to 3 men in a Boat.

Xenith> didn't miss much by not reading them

DaveFragments> That's another thing that can create somnolence in a reader - if they read the other book, they know the reference but if not, then it's a bore

Xenith> some of the references were not obvious, I think

evledtr> I hadn't read the other book, but didn't find it a bore. There was hardly any of it.

DaveFragments> I could find the stuff this telegraphed to the reader. Maybe doing that is unfair, maybe not.

Kiersten> I had the worst Victorian Lit class in college; maybe this will help me feel better about the era.

DaveFragments> It's cutely Victorian and well researched, but I wouldn't consider it a historic example of Victorian Era life

BuffySquirrel> no most certainly not! but it's a romp, so it probably doesn't matter

Kiersten> Oh, I certainly don't think it's Victorian. I just hope that by making light of it I can get over the horrors of that mind-numbingly boring class.

evledtr> We see only one family.

BuffySquirrel> and a pretty strange one

BuffySquirrel> at least she doesn't make the mistake of thinking ponderous = victorian i've read a lot of imitation Victorian and it's usually dreadful

DaveFragments> My dearly departed doggie is greatly missed but I never treated it like Ned treated Cyril. My stars man, get some testicles

Xenith> depends on the dog

Robin> I liked some of the sentences so much I underlined them -yeah, i'm a geek, sue me).

Kiersten> There were some great lines, Rob

Robin> I have the paperback- and on page 173 is one of my favorites - the sentence that is the second para. Loved it.

DragonSlayer> going to quote for us?

Xenith> mine's gone back to the library

DragonSlayer> mine's in one of five twenty-book-high stacks

DaveFragments> I have the book club hardback - - it's got 400 some smalelr pages of tiny type

Kiersten> Type it out for us, Robin?

DragonSlayer> that'll keep her busy :D

Robin> "She also fell very slowly, and during the time it took her to collapse onto the carpet, I registered a number of impressions:" is the sentence. The reason I loved it and noticed it is because that's the way people think - they do think in slow time-fast time like that - and to me, this mirrored the book so well, and this whole slipstrema approach, but brought to a moment.

DragonSlayer> cool, Robin--thanks for sharing :)

DaveFragments> Did anyone find the discussion of ULTRA, the Enigma Machine or Coventry strange?

Xenith> had no idea what ultra was

evledtr> Strange?

DragonSlayer> Dave posted a page on ULTRA. a bit late perhaps :D

DragonSlayer> i had great fun working out who was going to be The Mysterious Lover

Xenith> I guessed Mr C early

DaveFragments> THey telegraphed it as the Butler with all that Peter Wimsey talk

DragonSlayer> well, i knew the cat was in the basket, even if i didn't guess mr C! lol

Xenith> there is a quote at the start of one of them chapters about using a false name in a country house

DragonSlayer> ah that should have tipped me off

Xenith> although because of that, I did think it was Terence for a while

DragonSlayer> what did people dislike? apart from it being a bit slow

Xenith> I reckon the bulldog should have been a fox terrier

evledtr> I disliked nothing.

DaveFragments> That's it with my dislikes - slow

Kiersten> Mostly my only complaint is that I have to focus a lot. And with my two-year-old climbing all over me any time I try to erad, that's kind of hard. It's why I read a lot of YA these days.

Robin> I didn't think it was slow at all. Not everything has to zing along to make me happy. i like to think as I read.

evledtr> I went to a Connie Willis reading once at a....conference.

DaveFragments> how did she sound in person?

Robin> What was her voice like at the conference?

evledtr> Delightful.

Kiersten> She seems like she would be terribly clever and fun to talk to.

DaveFragments> The book has a great sense of humor.

evledtr> Anyone here read Doomsday Book?

Xenith> no

Robin> Nope/

Kiersten> No--is it very similar?

Xenith> I don't think so

DaveFragments> No, I got a stack of unread books

Robin> This is the first book like this that I've read.

evledtr> It's not funny, but it has Mr. Dunworthy and the Net.

DaveFragments> Well that net sets up the plot - the time paradox

evledtr> No doubt Dragonslayer has read it.

DragonSlayer> yes

Kiersten> Do all of her books intersect?

DragonSlayer> the time traveling folk also appear in Firewatch, which is a short story about the Blitz

Robin> Is this an actual series then? Or looser than that?

DragonSlayer> it's looser than that i think

Robin> Cool.

evledtr> And while they don't use the net, Lincoln's Dreams and Passage involve going into the past. It's a Connie Willis specialty. Doomsday Book involves accidentally going back to the time of the plague and getting trapped. It would be Robin's cup of tea.

Robin> Why? I'm not disagreeing- just wondering.

evledtr> More like Lit Fic.

DragonSlayer> it's a device that she uses in various ways Doomsday Book is very different--it's a sad book i think in a series you would expect more continuity of feel

DaveFragments> The bombing of Coventry is still controversial. Some still believe that Churchill knew in advance.

Robin> Sounds like the Pearl Harbor thing.

DaveFragments> Yes, very much the same - - someone knew something was wrong but not what and couldn't act on it at the time. The Allies in WW2 actually did send spotter planes out to fool the Nazi's They did disseminate bad info about how they found Rommel - She has that history correct

Robin> I'm not so worried about the history being absolutely accurate - as long as it's in the ball park- because I think accurate histroy is so often in the 'eye of the beholder'.

Xenith> history changes a lot

Kiersten> So--what do you think about writers who always use the same theme/style? Stick with a good thing, or branch out?

Xenith> Kiersten: depends if they're relying on it because it's easy & works, or they're exploring parts of it/developing ideas/you know

Kiersten> Ah. I've read some authors and just gotten tired--feels like they're writing the same thing over and over. And then there are the ones who are amazing writers, and although there are similarities, there's enough difference. Marilyn Robinson's two books come to mind. I'll have to check out more of Willis'.

DaveFragments> She didn't invent the fact that Coventry was bombed and the implications of it. She didn't invent ULTRA and all it implies

Robin> I think most authors travel repeatedly through the same territory. Hemingway. Fitzgerald.

evledtr> If you're successful and want to make money, you give 'em what they want. Which is what they loved the first time around.

DaveFragments> Robin: I was like that for 20 years - only read the same stuff over and over. Then I joined a book group and they cured me of that

Robin> Sounds right to me, EE. I have to tell ya, Dave, that if it weren't for EE's idea about switchin genres around, i'd have stayed in my comfort zone.

Xenith> reading the same thing all the time

Robin> Glad you did it the way you did it, sparky.

DragonSlayer> heh, the book is safely in my comfort zone

Kiersten> Hey, if someone paid me to write, I'd write whatever they wanted. It's definitely fun reading something I wouldn't have known about otherwise.

DragonSlayer> hacks used to do well not sure how it works now but there is work for hire out there if you look

Kiersten> Yes, but you have to find the work first...

DragonSlayer> find sites for book packagers

DaveFragments> I joined the "Gay and Lesbian" book club at Border back in the 80's and when that ended, I joined the literary group. I knew I shouldn't join "mystery" or "Sci-Fi" that's all I read from when I was a kid.

DragonSlayer> sometimes when i stray outside SFF i find i bring my reading approach with me which can be fatal to more literary books

Robin> I studied literary fiction - and have read it for quite a while. But really- if well-written, i'm seeing the whole lit fic thing is a construct. I'd say this is well-written enough to qualify. plus, some of the utter crap that passes for lit fic now is self-serving scab-picking schlock.

DragonSlayer> i think a lot of litfic feels like it's written with eternity in mind
Kiersten> Yeah, I'd totally qualify this as lit fic.

DragonSlayer> but what's "eternal" is popular fiction. the litficcers would have a fit! loll the stuff people read

DaveFragments> oooh - I know lots of Sci-Fi that way (self-serving scab-picking schlock)

DragonSlayer> well Sci Fi is almost by definition schlock as opposed to science fiction :)

Xenith> lol

DaveFragments> The entire Star Trek franchise ruined me for time travel stories

Xenith> (bit slow there squirrel)

DragonSlayer> i was restraining self, Australia

DragonSlayer> would you recommend this book to your friends, folks?

evledtr> Unequivocally.

DragonSlayer> you really loved it, EE?

evledtr> I'm a sucker for time travel and good humor. Best of both worlds.

DaveFragments> I'm going to take it up to my Mother to read, maybe my Niece's 13 year old DragonSlayer> i love time travel

DaveFragments> It's a fun book to read and that sense of humor is enough for me not to badtalk it

DragonSlayer> hard to find good time travel books tho

Xenith> too many bad ones, yes

Julie> what do you consider a bad one?

Robin> I'd recommend this, even to my nose in the air friends.

DragonSlayer> i hate the whole go-back-in-time-to-stop-x and discover-you're-the-one-who-causes-x

Xenith> yeah

DragonSlayer> mostly i read them in slush Julie trying to think of a published one offhand

Xenith> and ones that rely on their clever & original (haha) idea rather than good writing & characters

DragonSlayer> i think bad books fade more quickly, thank goodness

DaveFragments> Bad Sci Fi - Aliens land and try to take ove rworld and someone has the only one of a kind special ZAP gun that defeates them in 30 seconds. YAWN!

Robin> I kinda like the time travel thing - because if ANYONE goes back in time, even in their own lives or the life of a loved one - finding root causes is what's gonna happen.

Xenith> unless they're really, really bad

Julie> Dog is a time travel book?

DragonSlayer> yes well, it uses time travel as a device there's lots more to it than that

evledtr> It's set in the future, but most of it takes place in the past.

DaveFragments> In this, the slipstream or net gimmick of time travel is sufficiently simple to not intrude on the story

Kiersten> Yeah, it's really treated as such a given it's not a big deal.

DragonSlayer> it's all in how you use it

evledtr> There were a few times I wanted her to quit yammering about slippage and get on with it.

DragonSlayer> yeah, it did get mentioned a lot

Xenith> yeah

Robin> But beautifully done.

DragonSlayer> i liked when the narrator ended up in the Wrong Place and nearly fell off the cathedral

Xenith> it got a bit confusing and it was all due to something 500 years in the future?

DragonSla}er> time travel's futsy like that

DaveFragments> I thought that was a little gimmicky - they were manipulated from 600 years in the future

Xenith> here is everyone running around thinking they're the centre of the problem and oh you're not! haha!

Robin> Yeah. I'm more used to being manipulated by the past, but ya know..

DragonSlayer> it's ironic that they don't realise while they're manipulating that they too are being manipulated

DragonSlayer> it demonstrates human egotism

DaveFragments> The best that science can say right now, is that even if time travel is possible, you cannot change the past.

DragonSlayer> well, time travel IS possible . .. . for particles anyway

Robin> Boy would I like to though. Change things.

DragonSlayer> ah, meddling!

Robin> Damnb straight.

DaveFragments> The premise is that no matter how you try, the past is fixed. That means no alternate realities or histories

DragonSlayer> that's the premise, but it may be wrong

Robin> I'd do what we all fantasize about - I'd go back to about sixteen. and do almost all things differently.

evledtr> I'd go forward in time to see what I was going to miss.

Julie> good thought, EE.

Robin> I'd start over so I wouldn't miss what I now know I need and care about.

DragonSlayer> i'd go back in time and give my younger self judo lessons

DragonSlayer> and a pony

Kiersten> lol, Buffy. I'm great with my past. I'd like to see what's coming.

Robin> My past is..checkered.

Kiersten> Yes, but infinitely more interesting than mine ; )

Julie> I would like to go back I think.

Robin> Well, I guess we can see the appeal of this type of novel, huh?

Face-Lift 549

Guess the Plot

Morally Ambiguous

1. Vicar Smith's sermon goes completely awry when he advises the parish to love their neighbor. Who knew an orgy would follow?

2. Which is better: killing a murder victim before the slasher does, or letting nature take its course? For Bricely Adams, it's no philosophical question. As a daughter of the Angel of Death, she can kill someone just before their murderer does. But how will she keep her father happy?

3. John Swishem came out of law school vowing to defend the poor. When he realizes that it's more profitable to defend the rich, he must strike a balance between greed and ethics, before his sister, Sister Cecilia, destroys his soul with guilt. With help from his first client, Tony "The Tuna" Pescatore, John learns that morals don't have to be clear and precise, and sometimes valuable electronics really do fall off of trucks.

4. Nodammo Ebonlocke is a morally ambiguous character, and this doesn't sit well with the Conglomerate of Cliched Fantasy Characters, who are out to "normalize" all fantasy worlds and characters. Can Nodammo maintain her individuality? Or will she be killed by vegan elves?

5. Thaddeus Dought wondered if he should run for Congress. He was qualified. He'd just snagged a commissioner's seat in the fifth largest county in the state. He was halfway to a college degree. The only problem was the morality issue; giving up his street drug business would seriously compromise his income.

6. Really, Julie Hatrack is a nice girl. But the rest of the small town of Houghman, AZ thinks the schoolmarm is a loose woman after she saves a stranger with a new-fangled rescue maneuver she's read about. Hilarity ensues as she tries to teach mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the doctor, the judge and the local sheriff.


Original Version

Dear Great and Mighty Evil Editor,

[Personalisation? Maybe. Might work better if I started out quick.]

Nodammo Ebonlocke's business card has "Morally Ambiguous Sorceress" on it in big gold letters, but that doesn't stop heroes from Quest(TM) trying to take away her breathing priviliges.

While Nodammo would like to stay alive, the conglomerate of cliches and poorly-drawn characters [If this is an actual organization, capitalize the words beginning with CCPC; if it isn't, "conglomerate" is a strange word to use for a non-organization.] doesn't agree, especially with regards to those who refuse to be "normalised". [That last phrase doesn't match the rest of the sentence; maybe it should be: especially as she refuses to be "normalised".] After she's offed one hero too many and [been] marked as a "deviant plot thread", Quest(TM) gets fed up and sends a level seven point three five five demolition crew of vegan elves, lewd barbarians and feisty princesses in the direction of Nodammo's amusement park-cum-tower, intending to turn the Ebonlocke family home into a pile of rubble. After all, everyone knows that the evil fortress collapses after the villian's death; the reverse should be just as effective.

Enlisting the help of the locals and a tea elemental, Nodammo escapes with her two employees, Agnurlin the skeletal butler and Victor the black dragon. Wise man say: "One does not annoy the morally ambiguous", and making heroes spill scalding caffeinated bevrages on themselves is just the beginning. Homeless and pursued by heroes, Nodammo travels across Fantasyland, rallying the disenfranchised, disaffected and dissatisfied among Fantasyland's inhabitants against Quest(TM).

However, something much more sinister is afoot. Witnessing the effects of "normalisation", Nodammo sees whole kingdoms turned into bad renditions of overdone sword-and-sorcery settings--their cultures dismantled, peoples' individuality [People's. I'm not sure peoples have much individuality.] broken in favour of monolithic "racial alignments", and whole populations established with the sole purpose of serving "plots", "protagonists" and "issues".

Armed with the power of well-brewed tea, Victor's business acumen and Agnurlin's knowledge of the mysterious workings of butler-space, Nodammo has to discover the dark truth about Quest(TM) and its president, the mysterious Mr. Smiley--before "deviants" like her all have their breathing priviliges revoked.

At X words, [First of all, that's awfully short for a novel, and secondly, why are you using Roman numerals?] Morally Ambiguous is a lighthearted fantasy in the vein of Robert Asprin's Myth series and an enjoyable read by both newcomers and veterans of the genre.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Wise man say: Typos don't help your cause. Your spelling: priviliges (twice), bevrages, villian's.

I'm not crazy about mentioning breathing privileges twice.

I also find (TM) annoying.

There seem to be some good ideas here. Quest is ruining fantasy worlds by normalizing the characters--making them all cliches. Nodammo is out to stop them and discover their diabolical motives. However, I think the query goes way overboard. In attempting to be creative, you're making it hard to grasp the plot. Some suggestions:

Make it the Conglomerate of Cliched Characters. Cliches alone wouldn't be members of a conglomerate.

Make it "with the sole purpose of serving "plots." Lists are boring, and you have two in the same sentence.

Delete "level seven point three five five." We don't know what it means, and it sounds like a gaming term, which is the last thing you want.

Delete: After all, everyone knows that the evil fortress collapses after the villian's death; the reverse should be just as effective.

Delete: Wise man say: "One does not annoy the morally ambiguous", and making heroes spill scalding caffeinated bevrages on themselves is just the beginning. Voice is fine, but apply it to major plot points; spilled coffee isn't one.

Delete: peoples' individuality broken in favour of monolithic "racial alignment." This shortens or eliminates a list, and the phrase is vague and boring.

In short, reading a query shouldn't be work. Keep it simple and keep it interesting.

Cartoon 180

Caption: Evil Editor

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Evil Ad 101

New Beginning 534

I’d only been in a steam room once for five minutes – Mom had let me ignore the No Children Under Sixteen sign – but since we’d arrived in Washington, D.C., whenever I walked outside, I had that same feeling of wet air bubbling on my skin, invading my nose, pounding in my head, just like it had that day. This weather made my chest feel tight and sweat drip down my back. The heat pressed on me. And it was only June 14th, a full week before the official start of summer.

Thank goodness for air conditioning. As my family dragged through neighborhoods, traipsing in and out of houses, I rushed from cool car to cooler house, lingering inside to dry my back and to review my list. I’d learned that there was a street with every state name in DC and I had collected twenty-four – or twenty-five, depending on whether I gave myself credit for California Street. Technically, I hadn’t seen it, since I’d dozed off when we passed the sign. But everyone else had.

Eventually I learned all those street names and where they were. In fact, I now have the entire map to the D.C. area memorized. Yes, even including North Dakota Avenue.

With my extensive knowledge of the city and my HVAC certification from Northern Virginia Community College (see attached résumé), I feel I'm the very best candidate for your Air Conditioner Repair Tech position.

Thank you for your consideration.


Opening: M.C......Continuation: Bunnygirl

Cartoon 179

Caption: R. Watson

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Evil Ad 100!

Face-Lift 548

Guess the Plot

Not Just Jane

1. There's also George. And Judy. And Rosie and Elroy and Astro. What I'm trying to say is that the Jetson family is not just Jane.

2. Frank McFarlane should be happy with the wife his family picked out. And he is--Jane is sweet and good natured, everything he should want. But George wants more--not just Jane, but Sally, Lucia, and Andrea, too. Can he convince them that polygamy is the way to go, or will he be stuck with just Jane for the rest of his life?

3. When Jane took a job in a costume shop she thought it might be a little exciting, but she didn't expect to suddenly develop super powers and become . . . Princess Janisha! From now on, she's . . . not just Jane.

4. When anyone asks who the girl next to gorgeous Maya Jennings is, everyone answers the same thing: "Oh, that's just Jane." But Jane is tired of it, and sets out to make people notice her, too. When her video rant making fun of Maya becomes a viral sensation, everyone notices--including Maya. Is it worth losing her best friend to have everyone know that henceforth, she's . . . not just Jane?

5. Tarzan's a creep. After thirteen years of blissful tree-swinging with Cheetah and Jane, his wife, the ape man announces he wants to swing in the bedroom, too. But a corseted Victorian lady doesn't easily assume loose laces OR loose morals, so Jane takes up a new hobby: Dominance.

6. It sucks being named Jane Doe. It doesn't help that she's quiet as a church mouse at the morgue, where she works. It also doesn't help that she dresses like a homeless woman, especially when a serial killer starts murdering homeless women around the city. Police think she's the next Jane Doe to die. Can Jane develop some fashion sense before it's too late?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Some jobs offer the chance of promotion; this one offers a new life.

Until now, fifteen-year-old Jane’s only escape from her ho-hum life and overprotective parents were her day-dreams. But Jane believes the job at the costume shop will provide at least a little excitement. [For instance, she thinks if Spiderman gets ink on his costume while battling Doctor Octopus, he might drop in for a clean set of duds.] What she did not expect was a doorway delivering her into her dreamland. She soon learns her ‘day-dreams’ were actually the result of a close connection with Gregoria, the land of her birth. And her arrival has triggered old rivalries. [What were the odds she'd end up in Gregoria? It's what's known as Gregorian Chance.] [From whom does she learn she was born in Gregoria?]

The Domovye have a long-standing grudge against Jane and her family. [How can they have a long-standing grudge against Jane, when she's fifteen, and she just got there?] Torben, the young captain of the King’s army, helps Jane escape the Domovye. [When did they capture her?] During her quest [What is her quest?] Jane will discover ancient traditions which tie her fate to Torben’s and grant her unique abilities to control her environment with her emotions. In order to harness this power she must learn to control her emotions.

[Torben: Jane, we need a tsunami to wipe out the Domovye army. Go into a jealous rage followed by fear of sharks and then love of puppies.]

Now she must evade capture long enough to claim her birthright, rescue her mother from torment in the enemy’s dungeons [I assume Jane got to Gregoria through the doorway in the costume shop. How did her mother get there?] and reconcile a land torn apart by war and hatred. In order to do this she must remember who she truly is; Janisha, the young Princess -Gregoria’s only hope for peace.

NOT JUST JANE, 45,000 words, is a YA fantasy filled with magic, adventure and first loves.

I thank you for your time for in considering my work.

Sincerely,


Notes

If by "first loves" you mean Jane and Torben, she's fifteen and he's an army captain. Unless he attained that rank before he finished high school, this sounds a little unhealthy.

Do they use the Gregorian calendar in Gregoria?

What are the Demovye? Another people? Dragons? Aliens?

I think if you answer some of my serious questions with specific information it'll sound less muddled.

Cartoon 178

Caption: Jeroen Nouwens

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Book Pitch 10

Evil Editor’s next appointment entered his hotel room—without opening the door.

“Please! Dim the divine effulgence, Most High!”

“Sorry,” said God, seating Himself. He was now glowing softly, and the chair had become a golden throne. “I always forget the effect of global warming.

“How did you like Our manuscript?”

“Is that the divine plural, or did You have a collaborator?”

God looked embarrassed, and the floor was immediately carpeted in blush-pink roses. “Some of it was Holy Ghost-written. It’s so hard to find time when One already has a full-time job.”

“All right, then, let’s get to it. First, the title. Why THE OLD TESTAMENT?”

“Well, I was thinking trilogy. I’ve finished the first draft of THE NEW TESTAMENT and I’ve got notes for THE APOCRYPHA.”

“That could work, but let’s see how the first one sells. Frankly, it needs reformation— I mean revision. Genesis, for example, has too much crammed into it. Good stuff, but You need to learn where to cut. For example, I took out the creation of the star-nosed moles. Too unbelievable. So are the star-nosed moles, for that matter. And I also cut your Sunday nap—TMI.

“Exodus, now. The title has to go; Leon Uris threatened to sue. The story is great, though. In fact, I’ve put out feelers to Hollywood, and Heston is definitely interested.

“You need to drop Leviticus. BO-ring! And—“

At this point Evil Editor observed a small, dark, lightning-filled cloud hovering over his head.

He rose. “Well, look over my revisions and get back to me. Sorry, but my next appointment is due. It was a privilege to meet You, Adonai. “

As he ushered the Supreme Being out, EE noticed a pillar of salt with very familiar features in the corridor.

Well, I’ll be able to have a nap, he thought. I won’t be critiquing the new Dan Brown MS after all.

---tal

Book Pitch 9

"Greetings, EE," he said. "I know you're a busy man, so I'll cut to the chase. The name's Donatien Alphonse François de Sade. My book could be described as depraved, cruel, philosophy-laden, violent pornography. Some would call me a perverted degenerate, though I prefer to think I'm simply ahead of my time, being that I see the pursuit of personal pleasure as the highest principle."

"I think I--"

"Whoa, I haven't told you about the book. It's called Justine, and it's about this girl who--"

"Mister de--"

" . . . wants to live a virtuous life, but the more she tries, the worse it gets. Even when she goes to a monestery for refuge from the cruel world, the monks make her their sex slave. Then when she--"

"Mister de Sade," I said, "if you'll just listen a moment--"

"I know, I know, too controversial, not right for you, I've heard it all, thanks any--"

"I'm trying to tell you, sir: You had me at 'depraved.' I'll have a seven-figure contract drawn up immediately. While we're waiting, tell me what else you've got on the burners."

--Evil Editor

Book Pitch 8

Evil Editor was setting the hands of the plastic Evil Editor-Will-Return-Clock to 3 pm when he saw the strange figure with a lobster on a leash approach. Evil told himself there were always a few “characters” who showed up at these things, but by then he was cowering in a lump on his desk, having a certifiably unreasonable fear of crustaceans in general and lobsters in particular.

“Good Afternoon!” said the strange man with the lobster, “I am Gerard de Nerval. Jack Kerouac recommended you.”

Evil could barely sputter in response. A petite but feisty blond nearby intervened, much to Evil’s relief, and offered to take the lobster for a walk. Evil regained his composure and was seated.

“I am hoping you will be interested in my story. It concerns a young gentleman who has fallen in love with Adrienne, who does not return his affections, possibly because he has never declared himself to her. When Adrienne is sent to study at a distant convent, the young man mistakes her absence for death. He is devastated and takes comfort in the company of Adele, who is a proper girl from a well-connected family. One night he meets an exotic dancer, Sophie, and the passion and excitement he thought he might never know again is rekindled; Sophie is almost identical in appearance to Adrienne, his departed love. He continues the sordid trysts even after he and Adele are married in a lavish wedding celebration in Nice. But even as Sophie is starting to feel the pangs of Catholic guilt, Adele is beginning to suspect her husband of infidelity. In a dramatic denouement, the gentleman is confronted by all the women he has loved and finds he must adjust some long-held beliefs or lose everything.”

The blonde and the lobster approached at a stately pace. Evil thought quickly. “Here’s my cell,” he said, handing a card to the author as he shoved the yellowed manuscript into his laptop. “Ditch the blonde and the lobster and call me in an hour!”

--ME

Book Pitch 7

"All right, folks, make it snappy. I have a date in twenty minutes with a chick named Sloane, and she promises there'll be cake. First!"

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was --"

"How long does that sentence go on for? Criminy, learn what a period is. Next!"

"It is a truth universally acknowledged --"

"Yawnola! Start with an explosion. Next!"

"Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road --"

"I don't handle kid stuff. Next!"

"While the present century was in its teens --"

"Don't touch YA, either. Man, this batch is the pits. NEXT!"

"This is the story of what a Woman's patience can endure, and what a Man's resolution can achieve."

"If I want resolution I'll hire a graphics designer. Next!"

"Now, what I want is Facts."

"Weren't you in here before? What *I* want now is a bourbon sour, and none of those frou-frou maraschino cherries. Next!"

"I first met Dean not long after my wife and I split up."

"Oh, how very clever – no, not the sentence; the fact that my ex-wife is hiring starving writers so she can twist the knife a little more! Tell her if I hear one more word about that yacht, I'm delivering it in a matchbox. All right, last pitch. This had better be good."

"It was a dark and stormy night –"

"Whoa Nellie! That's brilliant! Get Random House on the phone! If this doesn't get a seven-figure floor bid, I'll eat my hat!"

- Tracey S. Rosenberg

Book Pitch 6

This guy drops like acid out of the sixties! Why me?

He sits down at my table. I hit the timer. Yeah, he has his entire manuscript with him! I ask him his name and he says his current fantasy is Ken Kesey! And just when I think he’s going to try to read the entire thing, he leans back in his chair and pulls out a canteen and a couple of Dixie cups.

“Kool-Aid?” he says. “A toast.”

Well, I’m going to kick the guy to the curb at the bell, so the least I can do is accept a drink. And besides, I’m dying to hear the toast, right? So, we drink up. And it’s really orange Kool-Aid, no vodka even! He just grins and lays his cell phone out on the table. It’s playing this weird techno-rock music with a laser light show flying up between us! And his smile starts talking.

“I’ve been doing this security gig out at the local mental toolbox. Just for the money, y’know? Then it kinda became my freak, ya’see? So I started to write about it, how the patients were like zombie meerkats and how it wasn’t clear who was leading who. Like, are you holding my hand or am I holding yours. See? I’m calling it One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest 'cause it’s like I did a fly-by to their reality and......Understand?”

I look over to Snarky’s table and she’s got a smirk and her magic wand waving in my direction. Game’s on. I reach up into the clouds and pull down the guy in the white suit and he’s carrying a 5,000 page manuscript. Something about urban decay, as I recall.

“Sic ’em, Wolfey, give her every detail,” I say. “Bwaaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha – and her little dog, too!”

--wendy

Book Pitch 5

The editor watched the gas lights flicker in the bar of the Willard Hotel where so many meetings and plots were hatched in Washington City. He relaxed in his chair looking quite fashionable in his mutton chop sideburns popularized by General Burnside. Now that the tragic war had ended, memoirs were a dime a dozen. Exactly on time his 7:00 o’clock appointment walked briskly through the door to pitch another. He was slender, ramrod straight, and carried himself befitting his blue uniform with gold trim.

“General Wallace at your service, Mr. Editor,” he said in clipped words.

Please, General, have a seat and tell me about your book. Is it about your capture of the Confederate forts in Kentucky?”

“No.”

“Then your role in the terrible bloodletting at Shiloh?”

“No.”

“So it’s about the campaign in the Shenandoah Valley?”

“No.”

“The trial of Lincoln’s assassins?”

“No.”

“The court martial of that fiend Henry Wirz who ran Andersonville prison?”

“No.”

“Good God, man! I mean General. What is your book about?”

“A Jew.”

“A Jew? My dear General, this is a Christian nation. I doubt there will be interest in a Jew.”

“Sir, my last duty was in New Mexico settling a range war between ranchers, and I had abundant time to think.”

“New Mexico? There’s an old sot, name of Kincaid, trying to peddle his memoirs to me. Do you know him?”

“Yes. Sad case.”

“Quickly, give me the essence of your story.”

“A Jewish prince is betrayed and sold into slavery. A Roman benefactor restores his freedom, and he returns to Jerusalem in time to see Christ die.”

“That’s it?” the editor asked, shaking his head.

“What’s the title?”

“SON OF HUR.”

“I’m sorry, General, but this has no commercial appeal.”

“What if I changed the title to BEN-HUR?”

--Wes

Book Pitch 4

"A guy? I thought you were one of those post-WW2 women who come through the slipstream to sell their prescient novels about the nobility of working mothers. Been there, done that, and I'll never do it again." EE said.

"No sir. My book begins after WW1 at Oxford and ends in the early days of WW2. Charles, my middle-class hero, befriends a upper-class student, Sebastian and his family. Eventually, he beds Julia, Sebastians's sister. It's about the manners and mores of the two young men and their fate in life. "

"Oh dear. That sounds like something you wrote from hunger or privation. This isn't one of those depressingly lyric 'they all died' stories, is it?

"No sir. This is a story about how one man comes to find meaning in life and finds grace in God. You see, Sebastian's father converted to Catholicism to marry a rich widow, then moves to Italy and takes a mistress. His wife raises the children."

"A working mother in prewar Britain. Might work," EE interrupted.

"Hardly, Lady Marchmain fundraises and has jumble sales for the local charities. She is the rock of the family, a stalwart believer. It's her faith that illuminates Lord Marchmain's deathbed conversion. That nearly destroys her children and their lover Charles."

"I see you've titled it: The Sacred & Profane Memories of Captain Charles Ryder. Profane will sell but that sacred part, what's going on there? You don’t have Episcopal priests running around buggering young boys, do you?" EE asked.

"No sir, in the end Charles returns to the abandoned manor, Brideshead, and gains redemption."

"Sounds depressing. Tell you what, add some three-way sex, gay boys, colorful parties, drug addiction, jazz the title, and you might have winner there. Go revise and come back." EE waved him away.

--Dave F.

Book Pitch 3

Paradise Found

“Well, Milton, I think you’ve got an interesting premise. But your villain is flat—absolute evil is fine and good—well, you know what I mean—but it’s so dry. At least make the guy intriguing, or charming.”

“Sir, I simply haven’t the inspiration. Where would I look for a character both evil and intelligent? How can I write a devil appealing enough to compete with deity?”

“Ah. Clearly you have never visited my blog.”

--Kiersten

Book Pitch 2

A Farewell to Arms,

Hemingway shoved James Dickie away from Evil Editor's table at the Non-Extant Writers' Conference in Paris. "Come on Evil, we'll discuss my book over a bottle of sherry in Pamplona."

"Um--"

"The bulls are running. And I know where the cockfights are. Join me, Evil. Don't be a girl."

"I have to pour over your new novel, and beat it into shape," said Evil.

"Rewrite it all you want pal, as long as it ends up unchanged. You're going to get it published like I wrote it. That is given. So why not join me? If not Spain then we'll take my boat in the Keys and head for Cuba. Rum and cigars. Hot Cuban flamenco dancers. You and me."

"I'm not really dressed for cock-fighting, whoring around...stuff like that. Evil tugged on his lapel.

Hemingway pulled a sword from his scabbard and sliced off one of Evil's arms.

"Where the hell'd you get the sword?" screamed Evil.

"Literary license, pal. Now, are you coming with me, or losing another arm?"

"I'm coming," said Evil, mopping up his blood off Hemingway's manuscript.

"Great," said Hemingway. "You'll be pretty useless to me with one arm. Let's start this over and see if you've learned a lesson."

Hemingway went back to the netherworld and returned five minutes earlier. Evil had his arm back.

"Are you coming to Spain with me, Evil?"

Evil sighed. It had hurt losing an arm. A lot. But he had literary integrity. "Yes." Sometimes.

--Bill H.

Book Pitch 1

Her ten minute slot with the big-time editor at the conference was nearing. Her hands were cold and clammy, and her stomach churned. I can’t do it, she thought and tried to leave. But a woman with tears streaming down her cheeks burst out of the tiny office and blocked her way.

“Next!” boomed the voice from inside. The line pushed her into the close room. “Well”, he said. “Get on with it.” He wore spectacles, mutton chop sideburns, a frumpy suit, and a frown.

Her throat tightened, but she managed to squeak out a few words. “Mr. Evil Editor, I’d like for you to consider my book. It’s my first, and I’m very proud of it.”

“Never tell an editor it’s your first book.”

She looked at her shoes and thought about leaving.

“I’ve put a lot of work into it. It’s 175,000 words.”

“Christ on a crutch! A debut book that long? Forget it.”

“What genre is it?” he asked.

“Historical fiction.”

“Sorry. Historical fiction is out now, particularly about America.”

“It’s American, but I’m sure it will be a best seller, and the movie will be even better!” she countered.

“That’s what every wannabe writer things. So far you’re oh-for-four.”

Her cheeks burned, and she turned for the door.

“Wait”, he called. “Who is your protagonist?”

“She’s vain, selfish, and deceitful. She steals her sisters’ boy friends and tries to run off with her best friend’s husband. She lies, steals, and even kills.”

“Oh, great,” he sneered. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

She felt a shock ripple through her body, and she turned quickly and reached for the door knob.

“I’m sorry Miss…..Miss…. What is your name? I’m evil but not mean.”

“Margaret Mitchell. And that’s OK, but I’ve got some writing to do.”

--Wes

Evil Ad 99

Cartoon 177

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 533

Everyone wants to feel unique. To know there is something special that sets them apart from everyone else. Jane Shaw was no different, she longed for that one event that would make her life exceptional. Her parents, John and Amy didn’t seem to understand this desire. As far as Jane could tell they were happy to blend into the background.

The three Shaw’s lived in a non-descript house at the end of Sunnydale Drive. They had moved here when Jane was three. John and Amy both knew the real reasons behind the move but they didn’t like to share them with anyone, least of all their 15-year-old daughter. At the time they made each other promised to never discuss the events leading up to the move; the unexpected guest who turned their life upside-down. They couldn’t bear to think of it happening again, so they moved to this house in a dead-end street in a quiet part of town. To date their plan had worked. There had been no unusual interruptions, which was just the way they liked it.

When Jane was thirty-five, she still lived with her parents at the end of Sunnydale Drive. In all that time, they'd never had unexpected guests. She still lacked anything special to set her apart from everyone else. She snapped.

At least, that's the way I figure it. What other reason could there be for a woman to take a butcher knife and . . .

Anyway, the kitchen was upgraded two years ago, and you can't beat the location. Plenty of storage, three bedrooms, and except for the little incident, it's been a very quiet neighborhood. Can I show you the master bathroom?


Opening: Shell I.....Continuation: Mignon

Cartoon 176

Caption: Shell I

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Evil Ad 98

Face-Lift 547

Guess the Plot

Tarawa

1. Jimmy’s baby brother witnessed the murder of their Uncle Wences, standing in his crib as the assailant swept through the front window and strangled the old man. The detectives promised to solve the case but Jimmy was unconvinced. All they had to go on was the cryptic word his baby brother kept repeating: “Tarawa. Tarawa.” Unfortunately, no one knew what the hell that meant.

2. Justin was busy saving a bus load of preschoolers when the Justice League handed out the rallying cries for its members. Now he's stuck screaming, "Tarawa!" instead of something cool. It's affecting his self-esteem, his sex life, and--most importantly--his marketability for endorsement contracts. What's a superhero to do???

3. When her town is ransacked and burned to the ground by roving bandits, Tarawa is forced into the wilderness. On death's door, she's rescued by a mysterious monk, who trains her in the ancient art of killing. Years later, she's capable of killing anyone with a single blow. But when she finds love in the form of a simple farmer, she must decide if life is worth something after all.

4. Kidnapped from Earth by the king of the elfes of Tarawa, Fay Emory sides with the Tarawan enemy, Suva, in war. The big question is, when a war has lasted a thousand years, is there anything a 12-year-old girl can do to end it? Also, a frog that isn't transformed into a prince.

5. When Master Sergeant Shepard McManus wakes, he sees the rising sun of Tojo flapping over the base. The assault had failed and Tarawa stood firmly in the hands of the Japanese. Thus begins the alternate history of Japan as the dominant power in the Pacific.

6. In Tarawa, words are dangerous tools. Speaking the wrong one can be deadly. When Lieh, street urchin and petty thief, discovers an ancient dictionary, she has no idea the terrors she'll unleash on the city. Can she figure out how to undo the damage, or will her words come back to haunt her?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Researching via the Internet, I found your agency and decided to contact you for representation of my young adult fantasy ‘Tarawa’. With an approximate count of ninety thousand words, it has similarities to Philip Pullman’s ‘His Dark Materials Book One, The Golden Compass’, whose protagonist’s life is challenged [by?] her parent’s [Parents'?] secrets. [I'd rather you tell me something about your book before you bring up Philip Pullman's.]

Twelve when kidnapped from Earth by her long-absent father Deryck, King of the Elfes of Tarawa, Fay Emory rebels. Stunned she is an Elfe, [If she made it to age 12 without even knowing she was an elfe, it can't be much different from being a human.] Fay does not want to be a princess either. Befriending a frog faery a kiss will not transform into a prince, rejecting a king her father betroths her to, [Sorry, sire, but I refuse to marry beneath myself.] and wearing a sword but refusing to fight, [Fight? Don't be silly, this is just an accessory.] Fay’s differences propel her to champion Tarawa’s enemy, the underworld Troll kingdom of Suva. Ending an unjust war that’s lasted a thousand years is a lofty goal. [If there's anyone still alive after a thousand years of war, they must be fighting with squirt guns and snowballs.] It’s also as dangerous as Fay fears. [That's it? What happens? What's her role in ending the war? Warrior? Negotiator? Marry the Suvan prince? None of these seems reasonable for a 12-year-old kid.]

Having decided to write fiction, I attended The Wimbledon Writer’s Conference in Middlemarch, England in 2005, [where my writing stayed about the same, but my backhand improved immensely,] and Erstwhile College’s ‘Writers’ in Purgatory’ Conference in Hell, Nevada in 2006. Based on recommendations, I have studied books on technique and written virtual reams to improve my skills. [I, too, have written virtual reams, in my persona as Poet Laureate of Sim City. Someday I may start doing some actual writing.] Regularly, I also exchange pieces and critiques with writers I met at both conferences.

Enclosed in this email are the first ten pages and a brief synopsis of ‘Tarawa’. Thank you for taking time for my query.

Sincerely,


Notes

For some reason I can't get that song out of my head. How does it go? Tarawa Boom De Ay?

Tarawa sounds like baby talk. Replace the "w" with any other consonant or any consonant plus an "i" or an "h."

The title means nothing to anyone.

Apparently Tarawa isn't on Earth. How did the kidnappers get Fay there?

Young adults usually don't want to read about 12-year-olds. Have you considered making Fay older or calling it middle-grade?

Lose the paragraph with your credits and give us more information about the plot.

Cartoon 175

Caption: Shell I

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Evil Ad 97

Face-Lift 546

Guess the Plot

Flash

1. Baylie Richards has trained as an ice skater since she was five. With the junior nationals approaching, she desperately wants to bring some new style to the competition. Can she convince her coach to let her perform to "Hollaback Girl"?

2. When the partially eaten body of celebrity photographer Marc Austin is discovered in Griffith Park, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the cougars who stalked the handsome Austin aren't the type with fangs and claws; and he'd better not forget his son's birthday at the zoo on Wednesday.

3. In the high stakes world of celebrity photo-stalking, Flick was the best around. When he catches starlet Lola Linguard in a compromising position, he knows he's hit paydirt. But after she begs him not to publish the photos, he begins to wonder--is the money worth destroying someone's life?

4. All Bart wanted was a wife and family and a happy life in the country. Instead he's stuck in a studio apartment in New York City, and he can't stop flashing people at the corner bar. When he's arrested, he meets a beautiful cop, and they fall in love. She makes Bart promise: no more exhibitionism, or they're finished. Can Bart stop himself, or will their relationship be over in a . . . Flash?

5. Red Spandex grows old on a superhero after a while. Especially when the red fades in the wash and you're a winter person with brown eyes that clash with red. The Superhero spandex fashion world is just so unfair to guys with olive complexions and an above-average package.

6. Kidnapped by thugs from a major industrial corporation, Sarah Johnson is ordered to help them by using her ability to see flashes of the future--or she'll face brutal consequences. Things get complicated when she finds herself falling in love with one of her captors.


Original Version

Dear Evil,

(Personalized info here) I hope you'll be interested in my 76,000 word YA novel Flash.

You'd think a girl who can see the future would be able to [could] avoid being kidnapped. But eighteen-year-old Sarah Johnson hates her flashes--painful glimpses of what's coming triggered by trauma or touch--and is trying desperately to suppress them. [Painful because they show bad news, or physically painful?] [What do you mean, triggered by touch? Touching people? Objects? Men's underwear? Is this like when I touch a Cheesecake Factory menu and get a painful glimpse of the heartburn I'll be suffering in a few hours?]

However, when she is recruited at gunpoint by Keane Industries, she has to figure out how to use her flashes for their benefit or face the brutal consequences. [What does Keane Industries do? Manufacture torture equipment? What are the brutal consequences?] Imprisoned in a secluded house, she meets intelligent and caring Will. He's in charge of her development, but she's seen him before--every night in her dreams for the last three years. Devastated to finally find him under such horrible circumstances, Sarah is nonetheless drawn to him, unable to resist the love she knows she'll eventually feel for him.

But the trust she's slowly placing in Will shatters when she flashes on a cruel conversation between him and Phillip Keane, president of the company. [A cruel conversation? Are they discussing the most effective way to torture Sarah?

Keane: I need to know what our stock value will be next month.

Will: I had her touch a stock certificate, but all she flashed on was comfortable business shoes. I strapped her onto the rack and stretched her, but then she flashed on playing pro basketball.

Keane: Make her read the Wall Street Journal. Then--

Will: Hey, even I'm not that cruel.]

James, the gorgeous, charming, and calculating heir to Keane Industries is there, ready to sweep her away. [He's there in the flash, or he's there with her when she has the flash?] [Sweep her away meaning rescue her from her captives?] Her future hangs on one choice: accept James and her fate as the pawn of powerful men, or risk losing everything to find out if Will really is the man of her dreams. [What do you mean by "risk losing everything? If she's being held captive, how does she have options?]

My novellette, Tangle, was featured in the May 2008 issue of Leading Edge magazine, and I attended the BYU Writing for Young Readers conference in June of 2007. I would be happy to send you a partial or the full manuscript of Flash. Thank you so much for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Does anything that happens in Sarah's flashes ever not happen in reality? If not, she should know Will is the man of her dreams.

What makes Keane Industries think they (or even Sarah) can exert control over Sarah's flashes?

I don't think it needs to be much longer to be made more specific. Instead of "trauma or touch," say "touching zombie meerkats." Instead of "the brutal consequences," say "Borgo the Disemboweler." Instead of "her development" say "training her to control her flashes." Instead of "a cruel conversation between him and Phillip Keane, president of the company," say Will and Phillip Keane, president of the company, laughing about what Borgo the Disemboweler will do to her." And be specific about her options. What is James offering, and what happens if she turns him down? Right now I think it's too general. I may have guessed wrong about your specifics, but any specifics will be more interesting than generalities.

Cartoon 174

Caption: anon.

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Guess the Plot

Triggered

1. When Hattie Barnes accidentally walks into an airport men's room in Philadelphia, she has no idea she's just triggered a series of events that will culminate in the assassination of the Prime Minister of Canada. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

2. When Joe Minkowski signed up for a new experimental procedure, he was just trying to earn a little extra cash. However, now that he's a "trigger"--a human weapon capable of killing hundreds of people at a time--he must decide what to do with the power he's been given. Especially since he still needs some extra cash.

3. Charged with treason, Ramie Ashdyn faces the death penalty. Not only that; an enemy agent has fitted her with a "trigger" that will make her actually become a traitor. Only Rip Rykus believes Ramie's innocent, but he's beginning to wonder if his judgment is clouded by his feelings for her, feelings Rip thought had died six years ago when he finished turning Ramie into a lethal killing machine.

4. In the city of Necropolis, nothing is as it seems. Zombies roam the streets, vampires rule the night, and werewolves make travel dangerous. When the new head of the NRA is found in rigor clutching his rifle in his cold, dead hands, Detective Paul Fontane knows he's looking at a murder. Figuring out the suspect should be simple, since the victim is also missing his brains. But getting around the People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies protesters to get a DNA sample won't be easy.

5. Travis "Trigger" Thompson thought he was every woman's dream come true. But when a one night stand leads to a dangerous obsession, he finds himself fleeing from a homicidal ex. Desperately trying to figure out which jilted lover has it in for him, Trigger must discover the truth or find himself . . . triggered.

6. When he fires his rifle at a mountain lion outside his cabin, Pete Chalmers triggers an avalanche that buries the cabin and Pete's family alive. Will help arrive before the food is gone? And if not, which family member would make the tastiest dinner?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Telepaths don't exist, but try telling that to Ramie Ashdyn. [Better yet, try beaming it into her brain.]

After an enemy agent telepathically assaults her, Lieutenant Ashdyn is framed for treason and imprisoned on the Coalition's flagship to await interrogation and possible execution. [What is it she allegedly did?] She’d love to deny the charges against her and prove her government’s stance on telepaths wrong, but each time she tries, she’s silenced by debilitating seizures.

But she has information the Coalition needs, so they bring in Captain "Rip" Rykus, the man who turned Ashdyn into a soldier. Rykus knows how dangerous his former student is, but he also knows her better than anyone else. He doesn't want to believe she's a traitor, but he can't understand why she won't talk, why she collapses, screaming when he interrogates her,

[Mr. Big: Any luck with the interrogation?

Rip Rykus: No. She collapses, screaming in pain, every time I ask her a question.

Mr. Big: Have you considered not sending 5000 volts of electricity into her body each time you ask a question?]

or why she's trying so hard to send him away. He's desperate to prove her innocence, but with so much evidence against her and no denial of guilt on her part, he's afraid his judgment might be compromised by his feelings for her, feelings that should have died six years ago when she completed her training, feelings that never should have developed in the first place [, feelings that nonetheless cannot be denied any longer, feelings that haunt Rip in his dreams and endanger his men when he daydreams about Ramie as enemy agents telepathically bombard the planet with thoughts of Will Ferrell movies, feelings of love and disgust and disgusting love.]

Time is running out for Ashdyn because the enemy agent did more than link her memories with the neural circuit that registers pain; he also changed her into a sleeper agent and inserted a trigger that will make her fears of becoming a traitor come true. [Why did she have fears of becoming a traitor?]

TRIGGERED is a science fiction romance novel and is complete at 85,000 words. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

What do you mean "inserted a trigger"? Sent it into her head on a beam of brain waves? Why insert a trigger in someone who's about to be tried for treason? What opportunity will she have to really commit treason? Wouldn't it be better to insert the trigger in someone who won't be in jail, someone who has the trust of the higher-ups, someone with the freedom to do the dastardly things you've programmed her to do?

Have Rip and Ramie been apart for six years? Seems unlikely he would know her better than anyone else if he hasn't seen her in six years.

Rip Rykus seems like a cartoon name. I'm thinking Zapp Brannigan, from Futurama.

We wouldn't mind knowing what she's charged with doing and what evidence they have.

Cartoon 173

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 532

Kincaid rode behind the sheep. Dust choked his lungs, and the stink of sheep sickened him like the raid itself. But riding last was better than being out front leading the column on the hunt for slaves. He told himself he was protecting the food; two sheep per day for twenty days.

He looked ahead at the ciboleros, most of them his friends. Why did they do this? These people he liked, who welcomed him, a foreigner, into their village at the base of the magnificent mountains. These people who forged a life from little, surrounded by enemies, cut off from trade and support. These people who made snug homes from mud, dished up food that nourished a body and lifted its spirit with flavor and spice. These people who cherished their children were riding 200 miles west to steal children of others.

Rico, his horse, snorted dust from his wide nostrils. If only Kincaid could blow out the stench of the voyage and its evil purpose.

Pablo rode up and said “You don’t want to be with us, do you?”

“It’s just not my way.”

“But you have slaves in your country.”

“Yes, but we don’t capture them.” Kincaid watched the sheep, reluctant to meet Pablo's gaze. “In our country, we keep the slaves in identical boxes. We give them pointless, repetitive tasks to do and we berate them when they make a mistake. We treat them like animals; we break their spirits. Eventually they go insane.”

“Then how do you replace them?”

Kincaid scratched at his stubble. “We fill out a form, get it authorised by the manager and send it down to Personnel. A new slave shows up in the morning.”

Pablo spat into the dust. “It is your people who are the primitive barbarians.”


Opening: Wes.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 172

Caption: Anon.

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Obituary 10

Evil Editor passed away July 16th after a sushi binge at Masa. An autopsy has been scheduled to determine whether the cause of death was tainted mackerel or the sight of the bill.

"EE" is survived by son Evil Jr., daughter Evilette, and dogs Evil Beagle and Beelzebub III. Also by "Grisham, that bastard, so at least I won't have to edit any more of his crap," as his will directed that his obituary be worded, unless Grisham died first, in which case we were to say, "but at least he outlived Grisham, that bastard."

Though he was responsible for the success of the finest writers of the past half-century, it was the thousands of followers of his blog who meant the most to EE. Especially . . . well, she knows who she is.

In lieu of flowers, please send donations to Mrs. Robert Mugawbe, cancer patient and widow residing in the Ivory Coast (Contact information available through Liggett and Myers Funeral Home).

--Evil Editor

Obituary 9

July 19, 2008, after a short surprise, Evil Nathaniel Editor III, husband, father and overlord.

Although best known for his abrasive humor and facial hair, Evil Editor was also a pioneer in the controversial field of Literary Eugenics. A graduate of the University of Dorothy Parker, New Jersey, he was the first person to completely decode the Query DNA, for which he won no prize at all, perhaps contributing to his characteristic contempt for all mankind.

According to the eyewitness account from EE’s personal assistant and manicurist, Mrs. Varmighan, Evil Editor’s last words were, “Grisham! What’s that in your ha--”

In accordance with Evil Editor’s expressed wishes, there will be a private ceremony for family and friend at which his mortal remains will be wadded up and tossed in the trash.

The family requests that flowers not be sent, however appropriate tributes (US Dollars only, please) may be wired to the usual account.

The eulogy will be given by an anonymous stranger with an uninformed opinion and an inflated ego. Following the ceremony, Evil Editor’s last will and testament will be read, critiqued and re-written for plot and character development.

Any clients of Evil Editor who are concerned about the status of their manuscripts should present themselves at the offices of Evil Editor Publications by 8:00am Monday, where Evil Editor will be undead and open for business as usual.

--ril

Obituary 8

Death of Roquefort


The ice cubes in the gin glass hardly melted. This sitting room was my first crime scene. The body and clues arrayed before me like a cheap murder in True Crime or Gritty Tales. To the left of the body stood what the beat cops called the towers of despair and fear -- fifty thousand rejection letters in uneven stacks, each stamped in ruddy-red; REJECTED.

To the right of the body, a wall of empty gin bottles. Dirty highball glasses arrayed on side tables. A stale, dried-out cheese platter sitting nearby. At his feet, bunny slippers. On his knees, a computer plugged into a never-ending battery and a high-speed cable modem still working hard. Careful eyes saw years of posts set up for automatic display just to keep the masses bedazzled and mollified. In the yard, a fifty-pound block of Roquefort carved in the shape of a poodle knocked over on its side. The effigy of an unknown house god.

And the body -- disheveled, wearing a goofy grin, a smiley face on one lapel, a Wilkie for President button on the other. It's head lolled back, mouth open, chicken leg standing at attention, muttonchops covered in oily breading; ugly death by chicken gristle.

I am reminded of Hamlet: "Alas poor Yorick." A man of infinite jest and boundless joy, now brought low in the ground to commune with the lowliest of worms. They buried the dead man in Calvary Cemetery, and they buried the cheese where it lay.

--Dave F.

Obituary 7

Literary celebrity Evil Editor (1888-2009) was found dead yesterday morning in the Olympic-sized swimming pool behind his palatial home.

According to investigators, the case remains a mystery. He did not drown. The cause of death was exsanguination, and the body was covered with hundreds of tiny tooth- and claw marks. Next-door neighbor Talpianna, a self-described “minion” of the deceased, who discovered the body, stated, “There’s a lot of that going on around here. It’s very strange.”

Other “minions” also commented. Robin sobbed, “He had so much to live for—namely me!” Julie W. wept hysterically and told our reporter that she was much too delicate to discuss the death, but would he care to read her query letter and sample pages? Anon. refused to be quoted by name but claimed to be deeply grieved.

And Dave gave a long disquisition on Etruscan funeral practices, which was quite irrelevant as a Miss Snark, who described herself as the deceased’s closest relative, announced that the body would be taken down to the shore and tossed off the end of the pier, whereupon it would be eaten by the Query Shark. “It was what Evil wanted,” she said. “He was a back-to-nature kind of guy.”

Other literary lights had their own comments on Evil Editor’s passing:

John Grisham: “He leaves a much-needed gap in the world of contemporary literature.”

Anne Rice: “I adored him. He told me I was the greatest chick-lit novelist currently writing.”

Dan Brown: “Who the hell is Evil Editor?”

---tal

Obituary 6

Bizarre Editor, Evil, dies in Ironic Twist

Evil Editor, founder of the self-flaggelation web site of that same name, died tragically this weekend, the victim of a stray bullet from an attempted suicide gone right.

He is survived by his many minions, several of whom are now aimlessly wandering the streets of New York carrying stacks of paper strangely inscribed with the words "insipid" and "drivel" in bright blue ink across the top of the first page and every page thereafter.

Hundreds of minions gathered at a graveside service this week and could be seen politely but enthusiastically taking turns stomping upon his grave. According to pre-arranged funeral plans Mr. Evil was to be cremated; however, due to the fact that he burst into flames at the moment of his expiration most found the idea repetitive, redundant, and a bit like doing the same thing over and over again.

Described as a visionary and often as a damn son-of-a-bitch by those who knew him well, Mr. Editor was probably best known for his oft-spoken desire to rip the heart and soul out of every young writer he met.

In the end, though, it may indeed be the words upon his tombstone that describe Mr. Editor best: Loved by few - Loathed by many - Feared by all.

--wendy

Obituary 5

Evil Editor has died. Government authorities are saying the situation is in hand and advise the public to remain indoors, do not panic, and above all, re-elect them.

Evil Editor was an editor with several large publishing houses as well as minor ones during his lifetime. It is known he worked for Random House and Penguin Group, serving for a time as senior editor for Ace and DAW Books. Several of his rejections became well known. 'Your novel set between crucifixion and resurrection presents Christianity as an unassuming little Judiasm and I am to be amused by its presumption.' 'If the only qualification to be President of the United States was to be a fat drunk, we would have had better Presidents years ago.' and his most famous, 'It is writers like you who force me to hire new staff on a regular and frequent basis.'

Despite dating a series of beautiful women, Evil Editor managed to keep out of society pages.

The cause of Evil Editor's death is not clear. What is certain is that he has arisen from the dead and is now a werezompire. So it is essential that really intelligent people and alcoholics keep their brains and blood, respectively, out of the reach of Evil Editor. Homeland Security believes his future actions will parallel his past actions and he will suck dry every worthwhile talent and crush the dreams of all others.

This paper's condolences go to Evil Editor's family in this time of loss.

--D Jason Cooper

Obituary 4

“Evil Editor” finally died on July 20, 2008. He is survived by his son, Evil Jr. Memorial services will be held at the Hickton Spring Carnival in August. In lieu of flowers, Evil Jr. asks that all revelers purchase numerous copies of Novel Deviations so that Junior can finally get his car into the garage.

--Anon.

Obituary 3

OBITUARY

"Died, on July 18, 2008 by mutual agreement. Erroneously announced last summer, but held over like acid reflux and diarrhea from yesterday's barbecue, sauerkraut and pasta festival..."
(Oh EFF my buttocks. Even a ghostwriter can't begin an obit this way. How does one report the death of a fiction? Hopefully, with gravity and not insouciance.)

"Full fathoms five thy father lies."
(Gag, nautical metaphors are only good if you mention he used to pour salt in the whip marks he left in minion's scribblings.)

"Yet once more, oh ye laurels."
(Pretentious. This only works with dried flowers. The minions submitted ripe weeds, fresh from the compost normally called slush-pile.)

"Let four Agents bear him like a soldier to the stage, ...for he proved most loyal..."
(Hold it! Agents in high heels can't carry coffins.)

"Now cracks a noble heart."
(Again? Hyperbolic! Now cracks a smart-assed remark, with giggles, guffaws and buffoonery.)

"If a minion be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less."
(I don't know about Europe but sea, land and sun-stroked strand are pyrrhic clichés.)

"God save thee, ancient Editor! From the fiends, that plague thee thus!"
(Epic! Epicurious? Like who cares, dude.)

"It's better than Philadelphia."
(Antagonistical silliness! It's better than the Chicago stockyards. But seriously, get it together!)

"The final deadline, the final facelift, the final new beginning and final edit of our beloved Evil Editor was published yesterday. He is survived by four books, a wife, a son, his dog and a blog."
(Sadness. Loss.)

--Dave F.