Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentine's Day Blind Date 2

Dear Evil Editor

I know you will be surprised to find this letter waiting for you, instead of me.

It's just that a blind date is not so blind when you send a photo and information package in advance. However, I must say I am grateful, because I have, as you so kindly suggested, used that information to plan our long-term future.

Your allergy to all types of soap, shampoo and deodorant is certainly unfortunate, as is the excessive sweat condition that you suffer. Your chronic flatulence due to your restricted diet of meat and beans is not, as you say, your fault, nor is the long list of genetic conditions from which you suffer, which, as you say, may also affect our offspring.

Thank you for your questions regarding my own health. I have no major allergies, however I think that, physically, I may not be what you are looking for. I regret that I do not have 'children-the-size-of-a-small-whale-that-the-EE-gene-pool-produces-sized hips'. Nor am I willing to undertake the surgery required to lead-line my womb to prevent internal damage from fetal laser eyes. The requirement that we live in an underground bunker, lest the inherited projectile acid vomiting syndrome destroy all surrounding forms of nature until Baby Evil grows out of it, is also not something I am willing to do.

In conclusion, our long-term future ends here. Thank you for your time and if you need any further clarification, please talk to our mutual friend who arranged this date and pass on my regrets to her also. And while you're at it, if you could tell Robin never to fix me up on a blind date again, I'd be grateful.

Yours sincerely,



fairyhedgehog said...

This is brilliant. I love that he sent a photo and information package in advance, and I love the modifications you'd need to be able to bear his children.

I wonder if Robin knows?

Dave F. said...

please talk to our mutual friend ... GASP! CHOKE! SPLATTER! Wipe screen & keyboard! Funny, funny! A whole bowl of pink and white Hershey kisses!

Wes said...

Delightful, with an interesting twist.

Sarah Laurenson said...


I loved this, McK!!!!

Too, too funny.

sylvia said...

*ROTF* This is awesome.

Hebe said...

2G2BT......but is it?

Robin S. said...


I'd have done the lead lining, but I'm with you, McK, I'd draw the line at doing anything to rectify the lack of having 'children-the-size-of-a-small-whale-that-the-EE-gene-pool-produces-sized hips'!

But girlfriend, no way I'd share our boy on purpose!!!!

talpianna said...

Mahvelous, dahling!

chelsea said...

Fetal laser eyes! Just wonderful.