Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentine's Day Blind Date 5

The doorbell rang. I checked myself out in the full-length mirror on my way to the door. I was looking hot in a rose-pink brocade cocktail suit—a Karl Lagerfeld knockoff—that exactly matched the tendrils on my snout and set off my fur beautifully. I opened the door to…Evil Editor!

“Well, hell,” I exclaimed as he reeled backwar d with a gasp. “I wonder which of us Buffysquirrel was playing the practical joke on when she set up this blind date. Or was she just being squirrelly as usual?”

Evil Editor fell to his knees. “Please, Talpianna, don’t hurt me! Not again!”

“Oh, stop squirming around on the hall carpet and come on in. We’ll figure something out.”

I poured us each a glass of Valmolicella and sat down next to him. He quickly gulped the wine and I refilled his glass, studying him carefully. What with the way he usually ran off at the sight of me, and my poor vision, I hadn’t really gotten a good visual impression of him before.

“You clean up pretty good,” I said. “And I was looking forward to going out.”

“You look very nice,” he mumbled into his glass.

“Okay, we’ll go through with this. At least it will be a way to score off Buffy. Did you make plans?”

“No, no. Whatever you want. Wherever you want to go. Just don’t HURT me!”

“Then we’ll make it a night to remember! Cocktails at the Molein Rouge, followed by dinner. I’ll have their fabulous escargot mole poblano for a starter, then the sautéed eels, and tiramousu for dessert. Then a movie. The local art theatre is showing a revival of INVASION OF THE MOLE PEOPLE.

“Then we’ll come back here. I’m sure you’ve made love to a gal on a fur blanket. Ever done it with one WE ARING one?”

I stared down at the muttonchopped form lying unconscious on my rug.

“Evil? Was it something I said?”

--Guess who


fairyhedgehog said...

Very funny. Poor old Evil, I'm not surprised he's suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after everything you've put him through in the past.

Dave F. said...

Now that's sexy! A large red velvet heart shaped cake with chocolate icing for you, my dear.

Wes said...

"....don’t hurt me! Not again!”

I love it.

Sarah Laurenson said...



sylvia said...

Surreal and funny - but Poor EE!

Hebe said...

The old rubdown with a velvet coat routine. Perfect!

BYW I'm sorry about using the chipmunks. Squeaking like -- two minnows (no),- two starfish (no),- Two overdone hotdogs? See the problem? This blog is a nightmare for someone that likes to mention small mammals.

I swear no small furry things were hurt during the typing of my piece...not even a muttonchop!

Robin S. said...

Muttonchops and moles, oh sweetie, you're so mean to our boy!

Makes me wan to get a little hairy myself.

talpianna said...

Hebe--I have passed on a copy of your piece, together with your name and address, to the Small Mammals' Terrorist Cell.

Hebe said...

OK, forewarned is forearmed but I think that there is nothing they could come up with that they have not already tried. How about fruit bats crawling up my torso up to the mesh above and peeing on me -- for three years! Oh, and the spiny mouse that leap out of his damaged cage into my blouse at the air freight office....tiny little bites....everywhere. I don't think the guy at the emergency room believed my story.

Thanks for the warning though-- I'll re-set the laser beams real low on all the doors and windows.