“What is this?” Julie looks around her at the dark, cool cave.
R-Man! Slumped down by her feet! She slides to the ground.
He isn’t breathing, he isn’t breathing! “R-Man! Wake up, baby cakes!” She gasps. “A cup? My true love, what’ve you been drinking, poison? It is poison!” She slumps over him, sobbing. “R-man, say you didn’t, please, say you’re joking and you’re not really dead, please!”
Julie sobs again as she inspects the cup. “Oh come on, you didn’t leave any for me? Maybe if I smooch you I’ll get a little off your lips.”
She tries it, really smooches the dude, crying all the more because his lips are still warm. Tears dripping from her cheeks, she pulls the gun from him. “Oh, happy gun!”
Yo, Julie, don’t!
“Huh? Who’s that?”
Never mind who I am, just don’t. There are other handsome guys in this world, you know.
“Never! Show yourself!”
No can do, babe. Ya see, I’m the narrator.
“Narrator, shmarrator. Where are you?”
Behind the computer screen, as if that makes any difference. Whoa, what are you doing with that gun? Don’t point it over here! Hey, put it down!
Put the gun down, Julie, don’t you dare—Agh!
OK, that’s it, I’ve had it. Julie dies a bloody death. She um, um—got any suggestions, Julie?
“No, I’m too busy dying a bloody death. Could you hurry this up so I could get back with my R-Man?”
Well, if that’s what you want, I think I hear some noises outside the cave. Yes! Here come Dr. House and Dr. Phil (trust me, you’ll need him, too)! And remember, girl—any more sass and I know where to get Torquemada…