Dear Mrs. Editor,
Thank you for submitting your application and completed questionnaire for our advertised supervisory position at Happy Faces Daycare. As you know, Happy Faces Daycare strives to insure the best preschool experience possible, and we screen all of our applicants thoroughly.
Your resume shows that only one of your sixteen children survived infancy, and County records claim that your one surviving son, little Evil, was removed from your care twelve times, and spent an appreciable amount of his childhood being raised (if the record is to be believed) by feral cats. This does little to convince us that you are competent to supervise children.
Your answers to our questionnaire were downright shocking. When asked how you would respond to a lying child, you replied: “I’d bend that f***ing rug rat over my knee and beat his boney ass with a switch.” Also, the golden rule is not: “Do unto others and don’t get caught,” as you suggested.
Coincidentally, three of your psychiatrists, and two of your medical doctors have committed suicide.
You’ve obviously failed as a parent and a human being, and it’s apparent that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Our background check shows that little Evil is now an editor who follows your insensitive footsteps by routinely ripping the hearts out of aspiring writers.
Your application has been rejected, and we strongly suggest that you never apply for any position within our company again.
Manager, Happy Smiles Daycare Center