Sunday, May 03, 2009

Detective Story 1

I was lighting a cigarette off a pile of its dead brethren when the lights went out quick as a fella at sunrise. When they came back on there was a guy in opera clothes standing across from my desk.

I said, "If you're looking for Detective Morgan, you found her."

"Such a beautiful voman in such a filt'y business."

"It pays the rent," I said. "You sound Russian."

"Romanian. I vant to hire you."

"Try Jones at the Windsor building. He's a commie. Seems more your type."

"I neet a voman detective," he said. "Or a very pretty man."

"Then forget Jones," I said. "What's so special you need a dame for?"

"I am lookink for somevone," he said. "Unt she is hiding vhere no man may go."

"The makeup counter at Woolworth's?"

"T'e abbey of St. Valpurga." He dropped a photograph on my desk. I'd never seen a nun tarted up like that.

"What'd she do?"

"She khilled my children."

"Ah. Catholic school teacher."

"I do not speak in jest."

"Hey, I know. I lost four brothers to Sister Mary Bruno myself." I tapped out the cigarette. "You want me to put on a cross and penguin suit to snatch a skirt. What then?"

"I vould rather you not wear t'e cross," he said, wincing. "But brink her to me. I vill arrange to turn her over to t'e authorities."

"Forgive me for betting they never see her."

"Forgive me for excludink you from dat decision."

He stank of a lot of things, but mostly money. "Make me an offer."

He did. And right away I knew I was going to spend my week saying prayers in Latin. This was a weird one, but it was the best offer I'd ever gotten to do something with my clothes on. Bar nun.

--150

5 comments:

Dave F. said...

Do you understand the concept of excommunication? Not that I'm threatening, just asking...

(I laughed all the way through this.)

Anonymous said...

Top notch, 150. Liked this: "I'd never seen a nun tarted up like that."

--WouldBe

Anonymous said...

"Forgive me for betting they never see her."

"Forgive me for excludink you from dat decision."
Now that's what I call repartee!!

I dithered too long over whether I should "ressurect" Dracula because I thought surely many would do a "Twilight" vampire, and so I did nothing, in the end.

Good to read you again!!

Meri

Sarah Laurenson said...

Hah! Loved this one!

Wes said...

Excellent!!! So many things to like. A tarted up nun, even the last line. Take Dave's warning. I hear excummunication can be a bitch.