Sunday, May 03, 2009

Detective Story 1

I was lighting a cigarette off a pile of its dead brethren when the lights went out quick as a fella at sunrise. When they came back on there was a guy in opera clothes standing across from my desk.

I said, "If you're looking for Detective Morgan, you found her."

"Such a beautiful voman in such a filt'y business."

"It pays the rent," I said. "You sound Russian."

"Romanian. I vant to hire you."

"Try Jones at the Windsor building. He's a commie. Seems more your type."

"I neet a voman detective," he said. "Or a very pretty man."

"Then forget Jones," I said. "What's so special you need a dame for?"

"I am lookink for somevone," he said. "Unt she is hiding vhere no man may go."

"The makeup counter at Woolworth's?"

"T'e abbey of St. Valpurga." He dropped a photograph on my desk. I'd never seen a nun tarted up like that.

"What'd she do?"

"She khilled my children."

"Ah. Catholic school teacher."

"I do not speak in jest."

"Hey, I know. I lost four brothers to Sister Mary Bruno myself." I tapped out the cigarette. "You want me to put on a cross and penguin suit to snatch a skirt. What then?"

"I vould rather you not wear t'e cross," he said, wincing. "But brink her to me. I vill arrange to turn her over to t'e authorities."

"Forgive me for betting they never see her."

"Forgive me for excludink you from dat decision."

He stank of a lot of things, but mostly money. "Make me an offer."

He did. And right away I knew I was going to spend my week saying prayers in Latin. This was a weird one, but it was the best offer I'd ever gotten to do something with my clothes on. Bar nun.



Dave F. said...

Do you understand the concept of excommunication? Not that I'm threatening, just asking...

(I laughed all the way through this.)

Anonymous said...

Top notch, 150. Liked this: "I'd never seen a nun tarted up like that."


Anonymous said...

"Forgive me for betting they never see her."

"Forgive me for excludink you from dat decision."
Now that's what I call repartee!!

I dithered too long over whether I should "ressurect" Dracula because I thought surely many would do a "Twilight" vampire, and so I did nothing, in the end.

Good to read you again!!


Sarah Laurenson said...

Hah! Loved this one!

Wes said...

Excellent!!! So many things to like. A tarted up nun, even the last line. Take Dave's warning. I hear excummunication can be a bitch.