"Good evening bookworms and welcome to The Road to Publishing on Book-TV. I'm your host, Warren Booker. Writers everywhere are piling up unpublished manuscripts. To help correct this tragedy, tonight we'll be talking with Evil Editor, author of Why You Don't Get Published."
The lights brightened and theme music played. Evil's stomach rumbled; he'd missed lunch.
Warren said, "So, Evil, why don't writers get published?"
"They don't make it out of the slush pile," said Evil. "People send query letters claiming their story will be the next sliced bread without including enough plot essentials to tell if it's sourdough or rye." Evil shuddered.
"But some books, like War and Peace, are complex. Or, take Arabian Nights. There's murder, adventure, comedy, romance, horror, fantasy, science fiction, evil minions, ruthless vigilante sorcerers, and creatures that could be construed as weredingoes with the right translation."
Evil sipped his water. "Arabian Nights is more of a folklore smorgasbord than a slice of pumpernickel. Even so, there's a sandwiching plot: girl betrays boy, boy executes girls, girl ends boy's reign of terror. War and Peace could be described as bakery on the verge of corporate takeover, no need for each employee's life history."
"Quite," said Warren. "Now, with help from our studio audience, Evil will demonstrate how he sorts slush."
The audience rose as one and surged forward. Each member held out a six-inch stack of paper. "He promised you'd work on one chapter of each of our manuscripts," they chorused.
"You're all writers?" Sweat dripped from Evil's brow.
As the mob closed in, Warren turned towards the camera. "We'll have more after the break. And don't forget to join us next week for our episode on analyzing the editor's brain with our special guest, the zombie known as P. S. Lovecraft."