"Hey kid. My contract demands included stocking the green room with all flavors of Häagen Dazs. I don't see any vanilla."
"Sorry, sir. I couldn't get it, but I did get some Ben and Jerry's vanilla."
"Ben and Jerry's doesn't pay me for product placement on my blog. Plus, Jerry's an idiot."
"Sorry, sir. Perhaps you could try a different flavor?"
"Sometimes you just have a craving for vanilla. There's gotta be a Kroger store somewhere in this city. See what you can do."
"Yes sir. Anything else?"
"Some sprinkles would be nice. Brown, not the multi-colored ones. When am I on?"
"Dan Brown, ladies and gentlemen. The new book is Tunnels Under the Vatican. My next guest is the world's most famous editor--in fact, the world's only famous editor. Please welcome to the show Evil Editor."
"Thank you Chuck. May I call you Chuck?"
"Actually, it's Harold."
"So, EE, what have you been working on lately?"
"Nothing. Listen, if that kid shows up with my ice cream while we're still on, have him bring it on the set."
"The board of the Modern Library has come out with a list of the 100 best novels published in English since 1900. The top two were Ulysses and The Great Gatsby. Your thoughts?"
'First of all, if anyone on the 'board' actually read Ulysses, I'll eat a copy. They should make a Ben and Jerry's flavor called Ulysses' Fishies. It would contain a bunch of unpronounceable ingredients and some fish bones you could choke on. As for Gatsby, I read the whole thing waiting to find out what was so great about him. Never saw it. He was mediocre at best. It should be called The Ordinary Gatsby, The Unexceptional Gatsby, The Vanilla Gats-- Where the hell is that kid with my ice cream?!!"