“My ass is as itchy as dry skin gets after a shower with lye soap and sandpaper and that skin scrub my wife uses,” said Evil Editor to the Cardinal Cardinal in answer to the question “how are you today and why should you be pope,” so, without pause for thought, Evil editor continued: “You see, I have hemorrhoids and I have this pillow I normally plop my ass on but my wife and her sister borrow it and I said you know where that’s been right? To which she replied, “Your ass.” My wife is my primary reason putting in an application. Everyone is always coming up to me and saying, 'You have the patience to be the Pope.' So here I am. As you can see I’ve spent a lifetime crushing author hopes, which isn’t far from what the Pope does--you know: can’t be gay, women should be barefoot and pregnant, that kind of shit. I’ll be great. I only have one problem. No contraception. Do you have any children?”
"No,” said the Cardinal Cardinal. “I’m celibate."
“You dirty son of a bitch,” Evil Slapped him on the back. “The first thing I’m gonna do as Pope is make sure you get laid. I know a real fine hooker, name's Candy . . . "