Sunday, July 12, 2009

Professor EE 8

Wow, this hairy fat dude gives me the creeps. With that sack he’s carrying he looks like a demented Santa in the off-season. Why did I have to be the only one who showed up for this class? I should have expected bizarre when I signed up for Evil Literary Devices 101. Christ, he mumbles, too. I can’t even understand what he’s saying half the time. Oh, shit, he’s got a fucking dead squirrel in that sack. What? Great! He wants me to write about a dead squirrel for the next hour. My favorite squirrel is Rocky J. Squirrel. My least favorite squirrel is the one that lives in the pine tree next door and chirps at 6 am every morning in a frequency range nearing 10KHz. Let’s see. What do I know about squirrels?

Squirrels comprise more than 365 species in the order Rodentia, which is the largest category of living mammals. The gestation period ranges, according to size, from 33 days to just over 60 days. Depending on the viability of the location and abundance of the food supply, squirrels reproduce in litters of up to four kittens once or twice a year. Their brains are the size of a walnut.

No kidding. Whoa! What’s he doing? He’s brushing the thing. Oy vey! Talk about nutters, this guy’s a coco de mer. Wonder how long it’s been dead. It reeks. Funny how death always smells the same: disgusting. It’s hard to describe the odor, but once you’ve smelled it, you never forget. Hey, time’s up, thank God! I’ll give it another shot, but if he has that same sad sack next week, I’m dropping this course.

“Excuse me, young lady, you forgot to sign your paper,”

“Ah, so I did. Sorry about that. Here ya go.”

“See you next week, Miss, um, Miss Anonymous?”

– Anonymous

6 comments:

Dave F. said...

I met guys from Georgia who ate fried squirrel brains for breakfast during hunting season. Go figure.

Good stuff.

sylvia said...

I bet she doesn't show up for the second session.

Robin S. said...

Oy vey! Talk about nutters, this guy’s a coco de mer. Wonder how long it’s been dead. It reeks. Funny how death always smells the same: disgusting.

Very very cool. Really enjoyed this.

ril said...

Okay, so if squirrels brains are the size of walnuts, why doesn't that confuse them. I mean, why don't they end up trying to eat each others' brains? Kind like zombie squirrels.

You can't go wrong with squirrel humour; well done.

Rick Daley said...

Considering that I'm too lazy to fact check, I'll just assume your information on squirrels is correct.

Anonymous said...

I'll just assume your information on squirrels is correct.

'Tis.

And thanks for all the lovely comments!!!