Sunday, August 16, 2009

Bad Query 10

Dear Evil Editor,

Our novel, Murderer Among the Mourners, shows how much better my co-author and I are at crafting a suspenseful romance than any other authors within the genre. We know that our writing and craft is so spot-on, we would ultimately outsell Mary Higgins Clark, Jodi Picoult, Johanna Lindsey, Judith Krantz, and Catherine Coulter. This having been said, one could call our excellence at romance a Mary Picoult Krantz Coulter-Lindsey production.

My co-author and I have poured over many a great literary suspense and mystery-based story in order to write our novel. Because it involves someone who has died and the mystery behind his death, we have also read and researched about every book written by Agatha Christie, the greatest female mystery novelist of all time in our esteemed opinion. Also, in focusing on sleuthing female main characters, we used The China Bayles Mysteries by Susan Wittig Albert to further our deathly research. Believe you us; those mysteries are nowhere near as good as ours.

To research suspense, we watched all of Alfred Hitchcock’s films and documentaries on the greatness that he was. Our novel truly shows that we have transferred that on-screen suspense, for which Hitchcock is so well known, to the written word. What would be the better way to portray suspense to the viewer: as some outlying thing observed or within the mind or imagination?

No need to answer. Our query has done that for you. Be confident that we are much better.

Sincerely,

Authors Greatness and Perfection

--Xiexie

7 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

It's always good to know your true worth, as this query letter clearly shows.

Khazar-khum said...

Comparables are everything, as they say on the real estate TV shows.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Nothing like healthy self-confidence.

Awesome!

Dave F. said...

Like, valley girl speak, Dude.

_*Rachel*_ said...

I think the same thing goes for fear as for suspense; your query's brought it into my very home!

Jeb said...

They didn't mention which dictionaries, style manuals and thesaurii they researched. How can anyone compete?

Rick Daley said...

The Title: Stolen Words and the Lost art of Plagiarism