Sunday, August 23, 2009

Zack Martinez Case 7

When homicide detective Lieutenant Columbo is found partially dead under his Peugeot next to the train station, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: One, Columbo didn't commit partial suicide by backing up over himself, and two, if he doesn't bring home a piece of Columbo's famed trench coat to his new and best wife (so far), she will back up over him with his 1959 Renault Dauphine.

Detective Martinez likes his coffee black, his chocolate white and his corpses tawny, not blue-ish, so he calls in the medical examiner.

“He's definitely not alive,” says the medical examiner. “His heart hasn't beat and he hasn't breathed for at least five hours.”

“Then he's dead?”

“He's not quite dead but not alive, either,” said the M.E. “He's slightly undead. Um, if you repeat that, I'll deny I ever said it.”

Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: one, there are no almost-a-homicide laws and two, if he backs up the Peugeot over Columbo one more time, he'll get home in time for bridge with his wife, ex-wife, and her new boy-toy, Frankie.

"Hold on a minute here", rasped the undead Columbo. "What's the big deal? Elvis has gotten away with this for years!"

Martinez looked at the body on the pavement. "What the hell are you still doing down there if you're not dead dead?"

"I'm a little... stuck. But I'll tell ya, I took the quickest way down," said Columbo.

The medical examiner had already heard enough from the googly-eyed zombie. "You guys are on your own. I have to get home to my wife."

Columbo frowned at that. "My wife is gonna be mad. I worry. I mean, little things bother me. I'm a worrier. I mean, little insignificant details - I lose my appetite. I can't eat. My wife, she says to me, "you know, you can really be pain." What do you think she's gonna say about THIS"

"Sounds to me like you didn't hit your head hard enough," said Martinez. "Do you know who ran you over? Can you give me a description?"

"My wife says I'm the second smartest guy she knows. She claims there are 80 guys tied for first. She's mad at everybody. She's even mad at the ice cream man.”

Martinez climbed in his Renault and backed over Columbo's head. He'd start with the wife. It was always the damn wife.

Opening: WouldBe.....Continuation: Aimee States


Dave F. said...

Zombie Columbo and a Renault. What more is there to life?

William Highsmith said...

Funny monologues in the continuation.