“Mr. Editor. I've written a great fantasy novel I think will interest you. The main character, Todd, is an eighteen year old boy who is really hot, like if Brad Pitt married Russell Crowe and they had kids – except that they can’t really do that because they’re two peas in the same pod, if you know what I mean. Anyway, he meets this princess from another world, but they flee the castle to escape a wizard who’s way evil, like the Grinch on meth with more magic than a bag of tricks.
“So the two of them end up escaping and screaming all over the place like the three blind mice with their heads cut off except like if the third mouse snuck off down the rabbit hole or something, because there’s three mice and only two of them. The best part, though, is when Todd fights a dragon as mean as the Cheshire Cat without a smile, but with a flame that’s hotter than a cat on a hot tin roof.
“The ending is really awesome too. In order to rescue the princess, Todd goes down into these scary tunnels with less light than the man on the dark side of the moon. He whips up on the bad guys though, and in the process has courage dripping off him like butter.
“I left a lot out for your imagination, but I just want to say that the plot has action packed into it like a clogged artery, and a storyline with more ups and downs than . . . than . . . well, than an overpaid hooker. Oh gosh . . . I’m not implying you ever had to pay for sex . . . or that you couldn’t afford it. I mean . . . it’s just . . . I’m sure most women come on to you like bees to money.
“So . . . what do you think?